You Know You're Old When . . .

Old World old dude
Old World old dude | Source

You KNOW you are old when . . .

• you consciously combine any 3 of the following sartorial elements in the same outfit — and then venture out in public(!): pastels, houndstooth, logo gear, stripes, sharkskin, Hawaiian prints, rodeo piping, anything with more than 5 zippers, oxblood, shoelaces with objects on their ends, animal prints, anything labeled ‘Members Only’.

• you have Boz Scaggs' Lido Shuffle on 8-track.

• you have the recurring nightmare of staying up half the night, trying to type that final English Lit essay on onion-skin paper, without using either a sheet of carbon paper or a bottle of white-out.

• butter is one of your basic food groups.

old guy sheep herder
old guy sheep herder | Source

• they don’t make TVs loud enough, nor newspaper type, or cell phone or remote buttons big enough anymore.

• you care what your garden actually looks like to passersby.

• your latest driver’s license renewal mandated a vision test.

• you think Julie Christie is hot.

feelin her age
feelin her age | Source

• ‘sleeping in on Saturday’ means you won’t awaken to having to go to the bathroom until at least 5:41 a. m.

• you realize you’re the only person in the elevator singing along to “Walk away, Renée”.

• Cracker Barrel is your new happening hangout.

• you wish more Presidential candidates were like Ike.

Bozo's DUI photo
Bozo's DUI photo | Source

• your closet contains a ‘really nice’ sweater older than your eldest child.

• your closet contains 3 or more such sweaters.

• you can’t understand why others aren’t starving by 5:10 p. m.

• when you say “I just don’t get music these days”, you’re still talking about David Bowie.

Hey there, Grumpy
Hey there, Grumpy | Source

• even after sex, a 5-hour nap, a really good BM, your favorite cheesecake, and a steaming mug of coffee in front of a Matlock rerun you don’t quite recall, you still only feel so-so.

• you recognize automobile makes by the shapes of their fins.

• you resent those ‘damn neighbor kids’ riding their bikes across your tree lawn.

• you are convinced that the lottery’s gonna change your life.

Ain't aging fun?
Ain't aging fun? | Source

• you have enlisted anyone more than 3 decades younger than you to assist with your smartphone.

• you can’t understand why others think black nylon socks with tan sandals and plaid shorts are somehow unfashionable.

• your favorite lunch meat is pimiento loaf.

• at a party, you make an offhand remark including the phrase “ . . . the Howdy Doody Show . . .” and everyone halts conversation, open-mouthed, and stares at you uncomprehendingly.

Healthy — it's all relative
Healthy — it's all relative | Source

• you have more than one gnome in your back yard, and they weren’t gifts.

• you know what an icebox was.

• you spend more than 11 minutes with the daily newspaper, every single day.

• your idea of a ‘naughty night’ involves HBO, a red scarf tossed over the lampshade, and cocktails containing fruit.

last hurrah
last hurrah | Source

• you prefer soft foods.

• you don’t dare look at your backside in a mirror.

• one of your daily challenges is recalling just how many pills of which color to take at what time, and with or without food.

• you can recall when Christopher Plummer was a leading man.

• you read this entire list hoping to Jesus Christ himself that at least one of them wasn’t true.

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Comments 7 comments

trish1048 profile image

trish1048 4 years ago

OMG, this is too funny! And the sad, sad truth is, not only can I can relate to every one of them, but I remember all of them!

I haven't looked in a mirror anywhere below my neck in years :)

Great memories! (I think)

Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 4 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

Love the toons! Do I see Garfield on the bike fender? He hasn't aged at all. *sigh* Up, funny, awesome. :)

rickzimmerman profile image

rickzimmerman 4 years ago from Northeast Ohio Author

Yep, trish, I also regularly avoid those multiple menswear mirrors — don't need to really know how bald I'm becomin.

Thanks, Sally! That's actually Garfield's obnoxious twin, Gilfield, who is literally 'poppin' a squat' on the front fender of the chopper of The Easy Drooler!

trish1048 profile image

trish1048 4 years ago

Oh boy! One of my most horrifying chores is having to go shopping for clothes and face that same 3-way mirror! And as horrifying as it is, do you think it inspires me to take some weight off? A resounding no :(

rickzimmerman profile image

rickzimmerman 4 years ago from Northeast Ohio Author

Hey, leave the inspiration to the college students. They need it to figure out where to find a job. The rest of us should be content in our amplitude and attitude.

Georgina_writes profile image

Georgina_writes 4 years ago from Dartmoor

Great cartoons. This crosses the pond well. Both mirrors in my house are set pretty high on the wall, so I can see just head and shoulders! The only benefite of ageing is that everything looks soft focus now in any case.

rickzimmerman profile image

rickzimmerman 4 years ago from Northeast Ohio Author

Thanks, Georgina! Soft focus, out of focus, better left unseen, whatever . . . that's what I say. :-)

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