You Know You're Old When . . .

You KNOW you are old when . . .

• You consciously combine any 3 of the following sartorial elements in the same outfit — and then venture out in public(!): pastels, houndstooth, logo gear, stripes, sharkskin, Hawaiian prints, rodeo piping, anything with more than 5 zippers, oxblood, shoelaces with objects on their ends, animal prints, anything labeled ‘Members Only’.

• You have Boz Scaggs' Lido Shuffle on 8-track.

• You have the recurring nightmare of staying up half the night, trying to type that final English Lit essay on onion-skin paper, without using either a sheet of carbon paper or a bottle of white-out.

• Butter is one of your basic food groups.

• They don’t make TVs loud enough, nor newspaper type, or cell phone or remote buttons big enough anymore.

• You care what your garden actually looks like to passersby.

• Your latest driver’s license renewal mandated a vision test.

• You think Julie Christie is (was) hot.

• ‘Sleeping in on Saturday’ means you won’t awaken to having to go to the bathroom until at least 5:41 a. m.

• You realize you’re the only person in the elevator singing along to “Walk away, Renée”.

• Cracker Barrel is your new happening hangout.

• You wish more Presidential candidates were like Ike.

• Your closet contains a ‘really nice’ sweater older than your eldest child.

• Your closet contains 3 or more such sweaters.

• You can’t understand why others aren’t starving by 5:10 p. m.

• When you say “I just don’t get music these days”, you’re still talking about David Bowie.

• Even after a little fooling around, a 5-hour nap, a really good BM, your favorite cheesecake, and a steaming mug of coffee in front of a Matlock rerun you don’t quite recall, you still only feel so-so.

• You recognize automobile makes by the shapes of their fins.

• You resent those ‘damn neighbor kids’ riding their bikes across your tree lawn.

• You are convinced that the lottery’s gonna change your life.

• You have enlisted anyone more than 3 decades younger than you to assist with your smartphone.

• You can’t understand why others think black nylon socks with tan sandals and plaid shorts are somehow unfashionable.

• Your favorite lunch meat is pimiento loaf.

• At a party, you make an offhand remark including the phrase “ . . . the Howdy Doody Show . . .” and everyone halts conversation, open-mouthed, and stares at you uncomprehendingly.

• You have more than one gnome in your back yard, and they weren’t gifts.

• You know what an icebox was.

• You spend more than 11 minutes with the daily newspaper, every single day.

• Your idea of a ‘naughty night’ involves HBO, a red scarf tossed over the lampshade, and cocktails containing fruit.

• you prefer soft foods.

• You don’t dare look at your backside in a mirror (even if you could).

• One of your daily challenges is recalling just how many pills of which color to take at what time, and with or without food.

• You can recall when Christopher Plummer was a leading man.

• You read this entire list hoping to Jesus Christ himself that at least one of them wasn’t true.