Canada Green: Does Your Yard Need Canada Green?

Canada Green: Does Your Yard Need Canada Green?

Got yard problems? Canada Green can help. This stuff grows anywhere!

It grows in dirt. It grows on concrete. It grows on top of itself.

It's the ultimate grass for people who want to grow grass. Canada Green virtually cannot be stopped. A bag was dropped in an Alberta parking lot by a little old lady; that strain has now reached the northern shores of Lake Michigan and is patiently waiting for passage to the lower 48 United States.

Don't turn your back on Canada Green.

Canada Green Grows in Almost Any Soil

Does your backyard suffer from sandy soil, loamy soil, clay-ey soil, or is it composed completely of jagged boulders on pea gravel? Canada Green comes to your rescue! Simply split open a bag of the ultra-potent Canada Green seeds, spread them uniformly throughout the yard, and fire up the grill. By the time your ribs are done, you'll have a lush growth of grassy goodness. You'll want to skip barefoot through the greenery populating your back 40.

Canada Green Grows in Almost any Temperature

Does your yard suffer from extreme 'cold' or 'heat'? Fret not; Canada Green thrives in environments that would prove fatal to normal organic plant material. Turn a blowtorch on it; Canada Green shrugs off volcanic lava, glacier flows, and everything in between.

Is Canada Green Lush?

Lawn Engineers measure the quality of a lawn by 'lushness'. Complex measuring metrics have been devised to identify narrow gradations in lushness between various strains of grass. Canada Green is off the Lush Meter! Scientists and Lawn Care Technicians are absolutely amazed by the amount of lush appearing in the average Canada Green yard. Many scientists and Lawn Care technicians actually come to work barefoot. Close your eyes and imagine a silky smooth lush carpet of extremely expensive carpet that's not really carpet but feels like carpet! This is what Canada Green would feel like if it were dried out and poorly mowed.

But wait! There's more!

Canada Green stands up to the toughest uses. Kids can frolic and play on it from dawn 'til dusk, then frolic a little more as they enjoy the sunset, then continue frolicking as they get bitten by mosquitoes, chased by nocturnal woodland creatures, and collapse in exhausted heaps. Canada Green welcomes their depleted bodies with stalks of cushiony chlorophyll.

Do you change your motor oil in the yard? Surprisingly, many homeowners still do. Not even 5W-30 phases Canada Green. A leaky crankcase is no match for Canada Green. Rumors in the Scientific Community indicate that several major oil-change franchises have considered the possibility of researching techniques for sowing Canada Green in the bottom of the service bays; at the end of each day they rinse away the detritus and count their profits. Canada Green earns them money!

Fauna not included.

Turtles love to frolic in Canada Green.
Turtles love to frolic in Canada Green.

Basic Recommended Care of Canada Green:

  • Water it, or not.
  • Mow it, unless you're busy.
  • Fertilize it, if you have nothing else to do.
  • Tell stories to it
  • Include it in your family activities.

But Wait, There's More!

Canada Green is shipped to you in a specially designed "bag". This space-age container gently cushions each grassy seed, virtually guaranteeing a "bag" full of healthy lawn for you and your family. Simply open the "bag" with a sharp cutting implement and spread the contents evenly throughout your yard.

Caution: Do not plant the bag.

Conclusion

Look for Canada Green on finer web sites throughout the Interweb. If your favorite web site doesn't carry Canada Green, run away and find a more finer site.

Disclaimer

No turtles or nocturnal woodland creatures were harmed in the making of this hub. All trademarks and copyrights are the properties of their respective companies. Don't take this seriously.

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Comments 8 comments

Tom Whitworth profile image

Tom Whitworth 6 years ago from Moundsville, WV

Nicomp,

I just love Canada Dry Ginger Ale.

Oops sorry, you're talking about something else!!!!

Good hub!!!!!!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Tom Whitworth: Hmmm... another hub topic?


drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

nicomp - do you think there may be a market for this stuff since it grows so lushly and so fast if we paint it dark colors and use it as a product for men who are losing their hair?


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@drbj: That was my next hub, North America Brown.


The Old Firm profile image

The Old Firm 6 years ago from Waikato/Bay Of Plenty, New Zealand

There's an urgent need for it in the Gulf of Mexico I hear. Mexican Green takes their minds of the problem but does little else. (Isn't it mandatory for BP executives to use before major planning decisions?)


nicomp profile image

nicomp 6 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

89 views in three months. Bummer!


Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 5 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

Is this for real? i just paid good money to lay new turf (Sorry Sod!)Could have saved myself some money!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 5 years ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Gypsy Willow : You need Canada Green!

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