How I Got Carpet Tunnel Syndrome!

 I know nothing whatsoever about the subject of this small hub, written in hot blood after a two-hour battle with an implacable enemy which eventually, grudgingly, yielded, but not before putting about 2 years I cannot afford on my life and leaving me with a scarred and lined battlefield I don't know what to do with.

Anyone got a clue yet what I am talking about?

THE RUG, THE BLOODY RUG!!

A friend was about to throw away a large rug she had had in her home office for a couple of years. It was in good condition, apart from a small cigarette burn (these damn nicotiniacs!) in one corner which had fused the polyglomerate, or whatever is this stuff they are made of. Being an Essex female, the rug became persona non carpeta in her house. Jeez, these people should live in Mexico for a year! So I offered to give it a second home as I could hide the burn under something.

I had admired this large rug, because it was really very masculine being covered in heads! Lion, rhino, something with antlers, etc. The color was acceptable for my flat, too, any color is.

My real reason in acquiring it was my toadstool colored fitted carpet in the lounge was very worn in places a rug would cover...mushroom color? Whose writing this?

Learn from this you newbie's on hubpages, you can write an article about any damn thing you like, HP don't care, they ain't paying for it and your fellow hubbers should suffer for all the c--p they turn out, too!

So down went the rug: under the table, the sofa, the TV stand (heavy...old Sony), the budgie cage - it was luckily bird-crap colored - and the nasty bits on my carpet were concealed. Well done, Robert, you did something right for once and it didn't cost you a sou.

Ha! The knowledgeable home-makers out there are nodding sagely - or after a coupla joints - and thinking, "It ain't all over till it's over!"

The floor was completely flat. The rug was heavy and laid on it.

So what unseen and unknowable energy force had it shifting around, curling at the corners, causing me to trip up once and cannon into the budgie cage, nearly giving them cardiac arrest?

Also it was forming ridges in parts near the middle.

I tried everything: wedging the corners under the TV stand, the sofa and a heavy potted plant. The lion sneered at me as another ripple cut across his snarling grin. The rhino's horn took on the wavy form of a hog's dick; the deer only had three legs. Nothing seemed to keep this recalcitrant rug in place.

"Sue," the previous owner told me, there was only one thing for it: either throw it away or stick it down with carpet tape, a product I was unacquainted with... heck, when I was a wealthy coke dealer, I would just buy a new house!

"Don't forget," she said, "Buy a good one" Eh? A good what? At the local DIY store, there were two brands of carpet tape for sale. They were - approximately - £2.95 and about £7.95. As getting any help and advice in a British shop is akin to finding gold nuggets in the high street, I opted for the cheaper roll, snarling something about "con artists" and "capitalism" under my breath at a startled old couple looking at the paint.

Back I went to the grot and down went long strips of carpet tape along the sides of the rug at the corners. I was enjoying every moment of this, I hadn't been on my hands and knees since about 19980 when I was begging Judge Hester to take it easy on me, and when I weighed about 200 pounds less. (It's easy getting down there, it's the arising again that calls for mechanical help).

I sat and drank a cuppa with a glow of pride and accomplishment. The rug was flatter than a snooker table without a wrinkle in sight. I had finally conquered the beast!

This euphoria lasted for about two weeks. No! The side of the rug near the kitchen was...it couldn't be...lifting again as if being levitated by some malevolent spirit. As I watched - or so it seemed - the other corners began to wrench away from the tape - I swear this is true apart from a little editing for effect.

So, within two months, I was back to having an ugly, wrinkled mess covering another, stained torn one.

I called Sue. I was sent to the forget me box and she didn't call back.

So today, May 6, 2011; after living like this since the beginning of the year, I though "To hell with it, you're going, menagerug!"

I soon had it rolled up, taped with my eBay packaging stuff and leaned in a hidden corner. I tucked my hernia up manfully and got down on my knees. The lady downstairs banged back on her ceiling.

Just remove all these bits of carpet tape and....NO...SHIT! They've become part of the carpet underneath!

I'm sure some of you have been there with this stuff. I should have bought the better, thicker, stickier tape. What's the saying about "Fool's Savings?" Anyhoo, I did eventually get most of it off by scraping with various kitchen tools. Now I have to get a professional shampooer to try to get the marks and all the dirt out.

And I will NEVER, never put down a rug over a fitted carpet again!! I couldn't anyway, both my knees are buggered: I think it's called "Carpet Tunnel Syndrome!"