How to Be a Successful Hermit

With technology today, it's become easier to be a hermit. You can permanently exclude yourself from the human race or at least decrease contact with your fellow man. Introverts can finally be at peace; extroverts can force themselves to become introverts. Why worry about personal hygiene when no one else will be around? Listed are some great ways to chill alone without the nuisance of being polite and carrying on awkward small talk. Hermits, unite! (Hmm, or is it divide and conquer solitude?)

1. Get rid of all personal hygiene products. They are not needed.

2. Invest in the most advanced laptop; you don't want to have to update soon.

3. Sell your car. Keep your bike, but only for emergencies.

4. Buy everything online, including groceries. Learn to sign for packages without looking; just stick your arm out to avoid eye contact.

5. Work online from home. You have plenty of time to do so in the comfort of your own abode. No more annoying colleagues and pushy bosses.

6. If you are missing human contact, hug a stuffed animal or poke someone on Facebook.

7. Burn your garbage in the backyard. No, do not even put it on the curb; someone might see you and say hello.

8. Do not mow your lawn. How can people bother you if they can't find your house?

9. Only follow companies and celebrities on Twitter. They will never communicate with you. You can read what they say; they won't read what you say.

10. Get rid of your cellphone and home phone. No, do not get rid of your TV or computer: these are your only portals to the outside and your only entertainment. Yes, yell at the football players when they make stupid plays. Yes, post updates on Facebook that no one will read.

Sigh, kick back and relax. You are a hermit that is allowed to express his or her self. You just don't have to do it in front of live people.