Baby Names Gone Bad

I am troubled by a phenomenon that is sweeping across our nation with no apparent end in sight. Although I have noticed this phenomenon before, and cracked jokes about it privately, it has only been since I have started thinking about baby names that I have had sufficient motivation to actually do something about it. The phenomenon of which I speak is the near complete abdication of the parental responsibility to give a baby an appropriate name.

Eryka Badu - Seven Sirius (Siriusly?)

Eryka Badu - Puma (Seriously?)

David Bowie - Zowie (Bowie, yes?)

Nick Cage - Kal-el (Super!)

Cox/Arquette - Coco (Shocker!)

Cruise/Holmes - Suri (Suri Not?)

Gwyneth - Apple (Unsweet)

Tawney Kitean - Raine (Only child?)

Tawney Kitean - Wynter (Uh, no!)

Ving Rhames - Reignbeau (Yes.)

Sly Stallone - Sage Moonblood (")

Bruce/Demi - Rumer (Ironic)

Bruce/Demi - Scout (Huh?)

Bruce/Demi - Tallulah (")

In the selection of baby names, I find there to be three types of errors in judgment that otherwise seemingly rational people make: (1) the funkification of the spelling of an ordinary name, (2) the selection and attempted conversion of a non-name word into a name, and (3) the creation of an entirely new word for the purpose of converting it into a name. I will elaborate.

1. Attack Ut Alica: The attack ut alica is an attack against the spelling of a word, and it is growing increasingly popular. For some apparent although unknown reason people have become dissatisfied with the letter "Y" as an acceptable ending to a name. These anarchists have instead opted for names ending in "EE", "IE", or (God help us) "EIGH". However, in what appears to me to be a completely insupportable contradiction, within the name the "Y" is well on the way to making the letter "I" obsolete. This is but one example of this attack against conventional spelling out of countless. The "k" and "ch" distinction is practically nonexistent anymore.

2. Attack Ad Verbum: The attack ad verbum is an attack on words and word usage. It is the imposition of a non-name name. The whole square peg/round hole thing. Examples of this egregious behavior are naming children after days of the week (Wednesday Adams being the only exception, and she was, of course, fictional), months, holidays, seasons, numbers, articles of clothing, brand names, automobile manufacturers (Ford is fine, it was the name first, Chevy is most certainly not), boat manufacturers, arms manufacturers (I realize am treading on thin ice as Smith and Wesson are each perfectly acceptable names, but Smith Wesson Johnson is completely unacceptable, and Luger...PLEASE!), how about manufacturers period(?), and animals (these are reserved for nicknames only, a la Tiger Woods).

3. Attack Ad Lingua: This is an all-out assault on the English language, or any language for that matter, but Americans appear to be uniquely disposed to this sort of insolence. This is the blatant fabrication of words for the express purpose of naming a baby. The desire for uniqueness taken to the extreme, or a simple desire to torture an innocent child. Names like Keelee, Ramari and Shaquyla come to mind.

*The Crossovers: As if committing one of these heinous violations wasn't enough, you have the worst possible circumstance, those who commit multiple infractions in the same name. E.g. Stormie, Stormee, Stormeigh; or Rayn, Rayne, Raine (ut alica and ad verbum).

As I mentioned earlier, I am motivated to do something about this crisis now. Rather than just continue to snicker, jeer, or roll my eyes, I propose the passage of legislation that would:

1. Ban all intentional misspellings in baby names. I am not insenstive to the atrocities of generations past, and my legislation would allow for family names provided the naming party supplied documentation that the misspelling is a past or existing family member's name. A grandfather clause for bad grandparents, so to speak.
2. Require that all names be recognized proper names; or, for parents who insist on non-name words, only words that are defined in a published, reputable dictionary, or reasonable derivatives thereo provided the spelling otherwise complies with other provisions of this legislation and there is no funny business in the compouding of words (see Reignbeau above).
3. The administration of this legislation would be funded by a $10.00 surcharge on all babies born in the United States. As an additional source of funding, I would propose that naming parties could elect to opt out of these requirements for a $999.00 penalty, a sins-of-the-father tax of sorts.

Given the current state of affairs, a constitutional amendment may be appropriate, but I will settle for mere legislation. If you support this legislation, please indicate your support in the comments section below.

Top 10 Baby Girl Names (2007)

1. Sophia
2. Isabella
3. Emma
4. Madison
5. Ava
6. Addison
7. Hailey
8. Emily
9. Kaitlyn
10. Olivia

Top 10 Baby Boy Names (2007)

1. Aiden
2. Ethan
3. Jacob
4. Jayden
5. Caden
6. Noah
7. Jackson
8. Jack
9. Logan
10. Matthew

Source: BabyCenter.com

I am willing to forego the the time and effort it would require to pass my proposed legislation if enough Americans will simply exercise a minor amount of good judgment and mercy.

If there are any questions or concerns perhaps this can serve as some sort of guide:

Example 1:

• Good: Kimberly
• Not Good: Kimberlee
• Abusive: Kimberleigh

Example 2:

• Good: Eric
• Not Good:Erick
• Abusive: Eryck

Example 3:

• Good: Hunter
• Not Good: Browning
• Abusive: Uzi

Example 4:

• Good: Luke/Lucas
• Not Good: Lukas
• Abusive: Lukemya

I trust this has confirmed you choice of a strong, pronounceable, and recognizable baby name, or shamed you into leaving Peytyn off your shortlist. Peyton, is perfectly acceptable.

If you have any question at all about a baby name, before you potentially doom your child to a lifetime of ridicule, please ask and I or other members of HubPages community will give you appropriate feedback.