I wrote this blog after reading several rather funny articles on Yahoo News, in November 2007. Everyone has probably moved on from this by now, but I still think it merits reposting.
"Charity looks at the need and not the cause"
Charity is a personal thing. The plight of people suffering, whether from a catastrophe or a medical condition, has the ability to tug at both the heart and purse strings. Occasionally, if not sufficiently moved, organizations might get involved...the Red Cross, the Salvation Army...or an event might be scheduled like Farm Aid, Band Aid or the ever popular Labor Day telethon. Giving allows us to feel noble for a fleeting moment or two. Our spare change can send an indigent child to school, feed them and give them medical care. In our lifetime, there could be a cure....to EVERYTHING! It's nice to feel that you've made a difference somewhere.
With that said, I wish to draw your attention to a couple of charities that I recently learned about. Perhaps, one of these may inspire you to give...or not.
That much beloved philanthropist, Paris Hilton is at it again. This time she is launching a campaign to save the Indian elephant...from inebriation. In her own words...
"There would have been more casualties if the villagers hadn't chased them away."
"And four elephants died in a similar way three years ago. It is just so sad. The biggest problems are in Assam and Meghalaya. The elephants get drunk all the time."
"It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them."
'In Tinsukia, the elephants smashed huts, plundered granaries and broke open casks to drink rice beer. The herd then went berserk and killed people.'
'It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them."
She's absolutely right. The last thing this world needs is more plastered pachyderms running amok.
As the story goes, in Northern India, they (the natives, not the elephants) brew their own rice beer and leave it to ferment in uncovered containers. The elephants thought this meant it was an open bar and have since grown fond of the beverage. Unfortunately, as it turns out, elephants are mean drunks. They turn into Dumbo-zillas and pretty much trample anything that pisses them off. Evidently, the powerlines were a bad choice of things to be pissed off at....
Luckily, Paris is stepping in and I'm sure that this problem will be solved in short order.
However, if Babar the Beer-crazed is not your cup of tea...perhaps you'll be inspired by this next charity...
While partying in Las Vegas, Jason Grunstra was overcome by the plight of a poor flat-chested stripper that was unable to afford...*pauses to wipe a tear from my eyes*...breast implants. He and his friends tried their best to raise an impromptu charity event on site...but the best they could do was come up with $ 70.00. Realizing that this was a mere pittance of what this sad little creature would need to raise her up from her crippling debilitation, Jason was inspired...
And thus MyFreeImplants.com was born...
(cue inspiring music...maybe from 'Rocky')
As incredible as this may sound and I know how long we have awaited this day...there is now an answer to every woman's dream to have bodacious ta-tas. YES!! *thrusts a fist of triumph into the air*
At last our prayers our answered!
All you have to do is post some nude pictures of yourself...before and after preferably...along with a blog or two of how much it would mean to your quality of life to have bigger breasts and wait for the money to roll in from all those charitable men out there.
Once enough men have been...uh...moved to donate to your cause, these funds are then sent directly to a plastic surgeon that will happily make your dreams come true.
I'm sure that all those beaming faces baring their newly acquired boobage is enough for the philanthropic Mr. Grunstra...but the 10% fee that nets him a cool grand a day can't hurt either.
At first, I have to admit...I pretty much threw up into my mouth on this one...and then I was a tad indignant and angry...but eventually I had to give the guy credit for a brilliant scheme. I guess it takes a special kinda guy to capitalize on an insecure woman who believes that her self-worth is tied to the size of her mammary glands, create a forum for women to debase themselves and do it willingly, promote pornography as a charity and make money off it. America...I think we have seen the next evolution of the Cyber Pimp.
I do have questions on where this will lead though. For example, if men are "donating" to this cause...does this make cruising porn a tax deduction now? And if so...can we use the same method of appealing to the prurient interest of men, to raise money for things like AIDS, Breast Cancer, the Make A Wish foundation or Toys for Tots?
Perhaps all of those charitable organizations out there could take a lesson from the noble Jason Grunstra. Perhaps a website for children that are victims of starvation, sickness and a lack of education...toss in some pictures of the naked little tots to appeal to those pedophiles out there looking for a good cause...and BAM...I bet that problem would soon be solved. Rather than appeal to the humanity in us, our ability to be compassionate, sympathetic and kind...we need to appeal to the baser side that is concerned with our own self interest and pleasure first.
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