Jokes About Religion

Collecting Jokes About Religion

These are some of the funniest jokes about religions that I've heard over the years. I had to get some help from family and friends by asking to send my their favorite heaven, priest, nun, rabbi, or minister jokes, and here they are. I hope you have a good laugh like I did.

Jokes About Heaven

An old preacher was about to die. He called two members of his congregation to be with him in his final hours- an IRS auditor and a lawyer. The men were proud to have been chosen for this honor. The two men sat awhile, one on each side of the bed, with the preacher. The preacher was quiet, but contented. Finally, the IRS auditor asked the preacher why he chose them to be with him. The preacher replied, "Well, when Jesus died, he was placed between two thieves and that is how I wanted to leave this world, too."

A man was about to die and the priest was called. The priest told the man to denounce the devil. The man just looked at the ceiling. Again, the priest told the dying man to denounce the devil loud enough for all to hear. Again, the man was mute. Then the priest asked, "Why do you refuse to do as I tell you?" The man replied, "No offense, Father. I just don't want to make anyone mad unless I know which direction I'm heading."

A young man and his fiance die in a car accident just days before their wedding. They both go to heaven. They ask an angel if they can get married in heaven. The angel tells them he will see if it's possible. He is gone so long that the couple think they can't get married. Then, the angel shows up and gladly tells them that they can get married in heaven. So the couple think some more about it. Then they ask the angel if they can get divorced in heaven, because half of marriages don't work out. The angel responds, "It took me 4 days to find a priest in heaven. Do you know how long it will take to find a lawyer?"

A young man arrives at the gates to heaven. He is greeted by St. Peter holding the Book of Names. St. Peter glances through his book, closes it, and informs the man that he isn't listed in the book. "How often is the book updated?" asks the guy. "I get new updates every 15 minutes," replies St. Peter. "Why?" "Well, I lived a sinful life and didn't cry out to God until I knew I was dying. So I'm probably not listed yet." Peter says, "While we are waiting for an update, tell me about the best good deed you ever did for anyone." The guy responds, "Well, there was this one time when a girl was being threatened by a bunch of gang members. There must have been 10 of them wearing their gang colors and tattoos. I couldn't just walk away. I grabbed a tire iron out of my car and walked right up to them. They turned away from the girl when they saw me. I told them that if they didn't leave her alone, I was going to teach them a lesson." Peter was impressed by the man's actions. "So when did this happen, young man?"

"I would guess about 5 minutes ago."

Add Clean Religious Jokes to the Collection

Do you have any funny, but clean jokes about religion to add? Put them in the comments section and I will add them.

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Jokes About Heaven Comments 9 comments

Leif profile image

Leif 8 years ago from East Coast USA

ahaha, those were good. I remember some oldies from back in the day...

Can you smoke in heaven? Yes! But you have to go hell to get a light...

A guy goes into a bar, asks the bartender for a "lite". Right then the Lord comes back...

A christian is rudely awakened in the middle of the night by satan himself throwing everything around. The christian says, oh it's only you, and goes back to sleep.

The one Bill Gates goes to heaven is a good one.. (can't find it at the moment)

Thanks for the funnies and have a great day!

Leif


Angela Harris profile image

Angela Harris 8 years ago from Around the USA Author

Leif, thanks for the contributions and the laughs.


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 8 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

Nice hub! It sure put a smile on my face.


Angela Harris profile image

Angela Harris 8 years ago from Around the USA Author

Thanks, Sally's Trove.


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 8 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

Here's one I just heard tonight on Garrison Keillor's Prairie Home Companion (all credit goes to Garrison), and remember that this joke is spoken, not written: What's a transistor? A priest who wears nun's clothing.


Leif profile image

Leif 8 years ago from East Coast USA

How about some that are funny (not made up) but for real...

Should an Athiest be allowed to claim "act of god" on his homeowners insurance?

There are non-believing scientists and phycsists, who know the rule that there are no "absolutes" in anything. That the only absolute in the universe is that there are NO absolutes. But yet will say there is absolutely no god.

CHEERS!


Angela Harris profile image

Angela Harris 8 years ago from Around the USA Author

Transister- ha ha! Love it.

Leif, those jokes are great. I laughed out loud at the act of God insurance clause.


Bill Dearmore profile image

Bill Dearmore 7 years ago from San Antonio, Texas, USA

There's gotta be at least one joke about a preacher, a priest, and a rabbi. Actually, the rabbi could have been an immam, since there are about as many Muslims as Jews in the US; but this is how I heard it.

A priest, a preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the same university. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they got together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, on crutches, his arm in a sling, with various bandages, spoke first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him, and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb! The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, an arm and both legs in casts, and with an intravenous drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't SPRINKLE! I went out and I found me a BEAR. And then I began to READ to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted NOTHING TO DO with me, so I took HOLD of him and we began to WRESTLE. We wrestled DOWN one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a CREEK. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul! And just like you said, he became as gentle as a LAMB. We spent the rest of time PRAISING JESUS. YEA brother!"

They both turned to the rabbi who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction, with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was obviously in bad shape. The rabbi squinted up at them and said, "Looking back on it, maybe I should have tried discussing a few other things with my bear before bringing up the concept of circumcision."


Moulik Mistry profile image

Moulik Mistry 6 years ago from Burdwan, West Bengal, India

Very interesting, I laughed a lot...

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