Oprah Winfrey, Weight Loss Queen

Oprah Winfrey has battled her weight in the limelight for many years, shrinking and growing alternately, trying different diets and exercise programs,hiring various gurus, discovering her inner self, whittling away at her outer self, making Dr Phil famous, snubbing Tom Cruise, building schools for girls in Africa, doing a whole lot of things to enrich her spirit and trim her waistline.

Every year has brought a new incarnation of Oprah, and today's Oprah Winfrey bears little resemblance to the cheery brightly knitted cardigan wearing lady who took the mission of finding sexy Chicago firemen find dates. For some reason she actually looks younger now than she did then (I'd bring up the possibility of sucking the youth from babies, but apparently it's in bad taste, and worse still, been done before) Personally I think her appearance has been much improved since she started giving away cars, but that's just me.

The current Oprah flavors of the month are Dr Oz (who spends far too much time talking about colons and the state of them for my liking) and Bob Greene, a fitness expert with all the joi de vivre of Richard Simmons, but in a much prettier package. The message for 2006/7 is then 'Pretty people can help you get pretty'. That's what we can really learn. Think about your doctor. Is he hot? Or is he kind of old and dumpy? If you want to be successful like Oprah, then you'll soon learn never to take weight loss advice from an ugly doctor.

Oprah has been inspirational to millions of women globally, leading them in an internal and external revolution, in fact Courtney Love even claims that Oprah was the driving force behind her losing weight (and consequently resembling a skeletal scarecrow more than a human being, but hey, let's not be critical here.)

And Oprah's own diet? Can you hack it? The New York Times ran a story that included the hook: "Diet that made Oprah Winfrey slim demands discipline, specialists say". This was shocking news to me, and I am glad that they got specialists to confirm that dieting requires discipline. I would have thought that any woman who had ever done silent battle with a Twinky before would know this, but it is good to have specialists back these things up. God forbid we see the day where common sense doesn't require a doctorate.

Here's what I have learned from Oprah about losing weight:

Stop eating all that crap.

Sign a contract with yourself.

Chant.

Breathe.

Watch Oprah.

Get an enema.