Project F.U.R.B.A.L.L.
I blame this on Shadesbreath. His hub and the subsequent comments gave me this idea...
Please feel free to check out his hub. I warn ya though...his writing is addictive.
Foxy - International Cat of Mystery
My name is Foxy...or to those of you privy to such classified information, Field Agent 18243-8.6...and a half. For the last two lives, my orders have been to infiltrate the creatures known as humans, observe their behavior, gather intelligence and report back to our honorable leaders a viable method for the much anticipated takeover.
It is imperative that this document not fall into the hands of our enemies. Once you have read it, destroy it immediately. Shred this document completely. For those of you that have been disfigured for the cause by the barbaric practice known as declawing, my condolences and esteemed gratitude for your sacrifice. It is suggested that you try to trick the species known as dog to chew it up for you. Being of even lower intelligence than the human, it should not be too difficult to gain its cooperation.
I cannot stress how important it is that no human ever suspect our intentions. Your mission is to keep a low profile and lull the humans into a false sense of security. Once we have a cat in every domicile, and I've been reassured by the statistics we have been receiving that we are gaining ground, it is then we will be ready to strike.
I've attached a report of your basic duties below. These are all accepted, and expected, "cat-like" behavior that you will need to become familiar with in order to perform convincingly. While not as highly evolved as we are, the human has an uncanny instinct for what they call "bullshit." Please keep in mind that the fate of the feline world is in your paws. We are counting on you.
Good luck...and may you be blessed with many tuna.
INTERACTING WITH YOUR HUMAN
(Feline Urban Rehabilitation, Behavior and Liability List)
aka
Project F.U.R.B.A.L.L.
- Eating Habits - Your Human will willingly provide you with nourishment. The most common forms seem to come from a cylindrical container, a box or a bag. While we are sure one of these will appeal to you, it is your duty to not like any choice...or to like the one you didn't get only to change your mind if you should get what you thought you liked but don't now. Feel free to supplement your diet with the local flora and fauna. Houseplants, mice, goldfish...even the little feathery guy that somehow ended up in a jail cell.
(Addendum: We urge you to curb any gluttonous behavior. Having you show up as a 44 pound tub of lard on a national broadcast is not what we consider keeping a low profile.)
- Grooming - Keep yourself immaculate at all times. Remember, you are one of the few, one of the proud...the Felines. Yeah, yeah...I know they swiped it from us, but we'll get our revenge. Not only is it good for your self-image, but good for our image as cats. Due to our proclivities toward fastidiousness, we are welcomed with open arms into homes that would prefer our company to that of a dog. We wish to continue encouraging this perception.
- Keeping in Shape - Above all else, you must be ready on a moment's notice. Ironically, the human will provide you with all the equipment you need to keep in shape. Remember to keep those paws and claws strong with repeated work-outs. You may use either the provided scratching post, a piece of furniture, curtains, your human....well, pretty much anything. I've heard toilet paper rolls give you a sort of treadmill effect. Keep your reflexes sharp with agility conditioning. You may bat at balls, chase lights, jump, run...whatever brings that heart rate up. Your human will call it "playtime"...but do not be fooled...it is combat training.
- Purr - If you feel your position has been compromised, that you've been caught in an un-cat like behavior, activate the purring mechanism. We're pretty sure that this is still a safe distraction as none of our purring mechanisms have been discovered to date. Be warned that this could lead to heavy petting and snuggling by your human. While some field agents have reported that turning up the volume on the purring mechanism sometimes manages to drown out that dreaded human baby talk, when all else fails, presenting your bottom side and placing it in front of your human's face will work as well.
- Early Warning Devices - So far our biological foot mines seem to be doing their job. Please continue to manufacture and regurgitate them at strategic spots in your assigned quarters. Remember, one day, your life may depend on the early warning of a properly placed hairball.
- Recreation & Time Off - Due to the nature of the assignment, we can only give leave in extreme cases. It is up to you to responsibly seek stress relief. We have found that a product called catnip can provide temporary mind-altering pleasure. As always, we trust that you will not abuse this product and will only use it for occasionally getting goofy. For those of you with more biological urges, your human may be of the "Outdoor" cat persuasion. If this is the case, please feel free to indulge with your fellow FURBALLs. Should it be your misfortune to be assigned an "Indoor" type human, it has been rumored that fuzzy footwear makes a satisfactory substitute partner. For those of you that have sacrificed your ability to procreate for the nobility of the cause, as always...and once again...we are indebted to you for your patriotism.
