Project F.U.R.B.A.L.L.

 

I blame this on Shadesbreath. His hub and the subsequent comments gave me this idea...

Please feel free to check out his hub. I warn ya though...his writing is addictive.

10 Reasons Cats Love Us More Than Dogs

Foxy - International Cat of Mystery

My name is Foxy...or to those of you privy to such classified information, Field Agent 18243-8.6...and a half. For the last two lives, my orders have been to infiltrate the creatures known as humans, observe their behavior, gather intelligence and report back to our honorable leaders a viable method for the much anticipated takeover.

It is imperative that this document not fall into the hands of our enemies. Once you have read it, destroy it immediately. Shred this document completely. For those of you that have been disfigured for the cause by the barbaric practice known as declawing, my condolences and esteemed gratitude for your sacrifice. It is suggested that you try to trick the species known as dog to chew it up for you. Being of even lower intelligence than the human, it should not be too difficult to gain its cooperation.

I cannot stress how important it is that no human ever suspect our intentions. Your mission is to keep a low profile and lull the humans into a false sense of security. Once we have a cat in every domicile, and I've been reassured by the statistics we have been receiving that we are gaining ground, it is then we will be ready to strike.

I've attached a report of your basic duties below. These are all accepted, and expected, "cat-like" behavior that you will need to become familiar with in order to perform convincingly. While not as highly evolved as we are, the human has an uncanny instinct for what they call "bullshit." Please keep in mind that the fate of the feline world is in your paws. We are counting on you.

Good luck...and may you be blessed with many tuna.

 

INTERACTING WITH YOUR HUMAN

(Feline Urban Rehabilitation, Behavior and Liability List)
                           aka
                 Project F.U.R.B.A.L.L.
 
 
 
  • Eating Habits - Your Human will willingly provide you with nourishment. The most common forms seem to come from a cylindrical container, a box or a bag. While we are sure one of these will appeal to you, it is your duty to not like any choice...or to like the one you didn't get only to change your mind if you should get what you thought you liked but don't now. Feel free to supplement your diet with the local flora and fauna. Houseplants, mice, goldfish...even the little feathery guy that somehow ended up in a jail cell.

(Addendum: We urge you to curb any gluttonous behavior. Having you show up as a 44 pound tub of lard on a national broadcast is not what we consider keeping a low profile.)

  • Grooming - Keep yourself immaculate at all times. Remember, you are one of the few, one of the proud...the Felines. Yeah, yeah...I know they swiped it from us, but we'll get our revenge. Not only is it good for your self-image, but good for our image as cats. Due to our proclivities toward fastidiousness, we are welcomed with open arms into homes that would prefer our company to that of a dog. We wish to continue encouraging this perception.

  • Keeping in Shape - Above all else, you must be ready on a moment's notice. Ironically, the human will provide you with all the equipment you need to keep in shape. Remember to keep those paws and claws strong with repeated work-outs. You may use either the provided scratching post, a piece of furniture, curtains, your human....well, pretty much anything. I've heard toilet paper rolls give you a sort of treadmill effect. Keep your reflexes sharp with agility conditioning. You may bat at balls, chase lights, jump, run...whatever brings that heart rate up. Your human will call it "playtime"...but do not be fooled...it is combat training.

  • Purr - If you feel your position has been compromised, that you've been caught in an un-cat like behavior, activate the purring mechanism. We're pretty sure that this is still a safe distraction as none of our purring mechanisms have been discovered to date. Be warned that this could lead to heavy petting and snuggling by your human. While some field agents have reported that turning up the volume on the purring mechanism sometimes manages to drown out that dreaded human baby talk, when all else fails, presenting your bottom side and placing it in front of your human's face will work as well.

  • Early Warning Devices - So far our biological foot mines seem to be doing their job. Please continue to manufacture and regurgitate them at strategic spots in your assigned quarters. Remember, one day, your life may depend on the early warning of a properly placed hairball.

  • Recreation & Time Off - Due to the nature of the assignment, we can only give leave in extreme cases. It is up to you to responsibly seek stress relief. We have found that a product called catnip can provide temporary mind-altering pleasure. As always, we trust that you will not abuse this product and will only use it for occasionally getting goofy. For those of you with more biological urges, your human may be of the "Outdoor" cat persuasion. If this is the case, please feel free to indulge with your fellow FURBALLs. Should it be your misfortune to be assigned an "Indoor" type human, it has been rumored that fuzzy footwear makes a satisfactory substitute partner. For those of you that have sacrificed your ability to procreate for the nobility of the cause, as always...and once again...we are indebted to you for your patriotism.

More by this Author


Comments 49 comments

Enelle Lamb profile image

Enelle Lamb 6 years ago from Canada's 'California'

What a great hub! I am putting a link to it on my blog (A Cat's Tail - the 'Purr'fect Blog) on blogspot.com for my readers to enjoy :D This one is a must read!


KT pdx profile image

KT pdx 7 years ago from Vancouver, WA, USA

Special Agents codename: PDX pride reporting in.

Project Stink is almost complete. Starla's new litterbox was installed in her bunker right under the human male's napping pillow. Now there are three depositories for smelly grenades: the bunker, the bathroom, and the bedroom.

We have spread the word about Project F.U.R.B.A.L.L. to our friends on Blogger. Be advised they will be stopping by to report in.

PDX pride out.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I told her, but I don't think she believes me. She just left my house with a pair of handcuffs tucked into her supersleuth type trenchcoat. She also mentioned something about leaving "a little present" behind the couch.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

BT -

Thanks for the advanced warning. While you are working with her...could you do me one small teeny tiny favor? Tell Foxy that I'm not leaving for a bit, the unpacked suitcase stuffed back in the closet should be a strong sign. She can cease torturing me with her constant head-butting to the nose and sitting on my chest staring at me while I'm trying to sleep.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Foxy was able to track me down, afterall. Fortunately, I was able to entice her to join my cause. I suspect that you can no longer trust any intelligence you may receive from that agent.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

To Spryte Private [ON]

Can't wait to read further reports on the Michigan based Canadian Buttertart addicted Jackalope. Also it seems that SirDent is Mighty Hunter AH HA

Spryte Private [OFF]


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Jackalopes see all. Even invisible text. You may want to check the title of the hub to which you have stealthily linked.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Oh! My mistake BT...darn, I coulda swore I saw the word "Michigan" before...

<invisible to sixty>

http://hubpages.com/literature/A-day-in-the-life-o...

let him think he's so cunning...the felines have landed.

<invisible off>

It's actually better that you are....sorta...right next door now. *evil smile*


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I'm sure I don't know what you mean. My profile plainly shows that I don't live anywhere near Michigan! Jackalopes are simply not suited to that climate!


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

To Spryte Private [ON]

Despatch one of Foxies agents forthwith to Michigan to see what's up

Spryte Private [OFF]

No theory at all eh.

As for that Jacklope and Stew sanctuary, we could sell lamps and laserswords too!


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Hmmm...doesn't Gravy World and Jackalope Sanctuary kinda send conflicting messages? Hehehe...unless we're just saving them for dinner?


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

Evilpants debagging...sounds like a new funhouse ride at Gravy World and Jackalope Sanctuary.

I must get with the architects and engineers right away.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

*smiles slowly and then widens her eyes innocently*

Theory? I have not theory...

<invisible on to Sixtyorso>

There's something up between rmr and the rodent...not sure what it is yet...but we can safely assume Michigan is a starting point.

<invisible off>

...nope, no theory at all. :)


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Ah Ha Do we have some evil (pants) afoot?.Funny how pants and debagging (a british term for forceably removing someone's pants) seem to be coming up (down?).


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

spryte, if you look at our profiles, you will notice that we're not even from the same city. I'd say that's incontrovertable evidence against your newly formed theory.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

Well, since I watched a couple cooking shows that used too many plastic baggies for food decorating and threw them away full of food as well, I think plastic should be peed upon, to - but I will control myself - I'll hire FURBALL. BuwahHAHAHAHA!


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

*nods*

You are right Patty...perhaps Mighty Hunter is unaware of the evil jackalopes plans...

LG - Fortunately, I've never been the target of a cat's expression of displeasure. However..I do have a cat that nearly asphyxiated on a bag of ferret treats and ever since then has decided all plastic is evil...and must be peed upon. :)


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

There's another player! "Mighty Hunter" needs a F/U/R/B/A/L/L/ perhaps.

http://hubpages.com/profile/Mighty+Hunter


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

*spryte's nose quivers...something that often happens when she wonders about coincidences*

rmr....jackalope....rmr....evilpants...common denominator...michigan...

*spryte crooks a finger at Foxy...*

I think there is work to be done...who do we have in Michigan?


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

You can't say I didn't warn you. I have set the wheels of nasty frame-up in motion. You should be hearing something any time, now.


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 8 years ago from West Virginia

I get those mines all the time. I have a pisser and a spray who when they don't get their ways they leave me some undesirable eveidence that they are mad.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Sixty: It seems that misty's husband has been debriefed already...now you want to go commando too?

Misty: LOL! Yeah...I don't think I'd want to share anybody's underwear either, no matter how close we were.

LG: Was this "love me" session long enough for him to read this article? Coincidence? I think not. Be careful okay...and watch out for those biological foot mines.


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 8 years ago from West Virginia

This is one of the best things that I have read in a long time! Funny now because I have a furball on my desk at the moment and we just had a "love me" session. Meaning I had to pay attention to just him and nothing else for a few minutes!! Great stuff!!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Well sixtyorso, Husband wasn't too keen on the idea of wearing the wet underwear that Squish's Brother had pee'd on, and the alternative was to borrow our friends underwear or go without. I know these people are very good friends, but not too sure we are at the "sharing underwear" stage yet.


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Misty that family of yours just gets more and more interesting. "he had to go home with just trousers and a top on, but minus underwear"???

Spryte I think a report back is required from agent "Squish". Perhaps she has been in the field too long -not following procedure- or she is attracitng attention showing her need to report back. I await your debriefing (sic) report "M" Er I mean Spryte.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

LOL, Will consider this, but somehow can't yet see myself wearing the bath mats that she pee'd on previously. Funny thing is that her Brother infiltrated a friend of ours home and is now well established, and when we stayed at their place overnight a few weeks back he pee'd on my Husband's socks and underpants overnight. I thought this was hilarious, Husband not quite so amused as he had to go home with just trousers and a top on, but minus underwear!!!


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Sixty: That just might be it...Squish might be making a comment on what misty should or shouldn't wear. (See Shadesbreath's hub)

Misty: Very odd...try wearing the vinyl and leather and put the sweater and slacks in the tub and on the sofa...see if the trend reverses? Although, I can't imagine suckling on vinyl and leather could be particularly tasty...one never knows.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Thanks guys, will avoid the leather and vinyl just in case, Husband will be upset though!!!. No new significant other in my life, only the original model that was here when agent "Squish" arrived, so not sure of her motives. Very odd to say the least!


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Spryte you are a spoilsport. Misty in leather or vinyl or leather and vinyl well now!

I see this eventuality is not covered in the  advanced F.U.R.B.A.L.L. survivors guide  from which I did an extract earlier. Your recruit is behaving out of character unless you have a new significant other in your life in which case she should follow procedure as above in extract from the advanced F.U.R.B.A.L.L. survivors guide. About 17 comments back.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

misty:

I see Foxy making a note behind me to forward your recruit a copy of accepted cat behavior...you should notice a marked improvement soon.

Until then, whatever you do, do NOT...I repeat do NOT wear leather or vinyl.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

I think my 4 month old recruit is trying to lull me into a false sense of security, as she keeps suckling on my jumpers and trousers until they are soaking wet. If that fails she will pee on the leather sofa or the bath mats to gain our full attention!!!


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

*spryte is caught off-guard by the pointy papyrus plane (say that three times fast) as it strikes her in the temple.*

Ouch! Hmm...what have we here...

*deftly she unfolds it and smooths out the creases...pat, pat, smooth*

*her lips move as she tries to read the handwriting, tilting her head to the right as the words start to run off the page at an odd angle*

*spryte blushes*

Awwww...I wuvs you too Shadesbreath...

*spryte winks and blows you a kiss*

don't worry...our little secret, okies?


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

Ok, I got some papyrus and a stylus, and I wrote my vehement response to your attitude. I folded it up into a paper airplane and threw it in your general direction out of a top floor window at the library. You will see how I really feel once you get that, for now I have to go, the Librarian said I've been here too long and that my mumbling beneath my breath is disturbing people.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Patty:  LOL!  Loved that video!!! BT should see that and take heed!

As for you my dear Shade...if you could find no other method of destroying the evidence other than the complete destruction of your computer...than you simply should not have ownership of an obviously complex tool meant for those of higher intellect. Might I suggest Papyrus and a stylus? /flee

*looks at the box of fur*

As for this...

*shows the box of fur to Foxy...who sniffs, stretches, yawns, blinks and commences purring*

Hmmm...

(to be cont)


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

I have liberated myself, and seized your agent. If you want her returned, unspayed, you WILL submit to the list of demands, which I shall send in a separate transmission. I have sent a box of her (former) fur, just to show you that I'm serious.

The evil one


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 8 years ago from California

I was going to comment on this but the instructions at the top said that anyone who read this had to destroy the evidence afterwards. Since I can't really "shred" my computer I had to beat it in with a hammer. Frankly, Spryte, either you as forwarding agent or Foxy as originator, should have to replace my computer for that. That was very wrong. I don't feel like coming to the library now every time I want to write. You owe me.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

Where are you, Superman?

Over and out,

Lois


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Urgent transmission from agent 33-1/3.

Codename:Snickers

RE: Agent needs assistance

Extraction team requested. Cover blown. Have temporarily locked jackalope in bathroom and seized computer, for this transmission.

Took a cat nap this morning, and woke up bald. Jackalope sewed me to the carpet, and shaved me. Specifically mentioned project F.U.R.B.A.L.L.

Attn:Foxy, Spryte is on to you, as well. Scrub mission and return to HQ, if possible.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

F.U.R.B.A.L.L. interviewing a Jackalope.

http://hubpages.com/food/World-Class-Gravies End of Page.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Uninvited: Thank you :) With a name like Boo I wouldn't be surprisd in the least if your cat was covert ops...

BT: I hope you are right, I sincerely do. But to be safe, you might want to check your back pocket occasionally for catnip. Sometimes those darn cats just can't resist a good prank and the idea of you being used as a feline pinata well...okay okay...it makes me giggle a little...but really I'm sad...quite sad.

Sixty -

Absolutely brilliant suggestions - especially the injected identificaiton chips - I had not thought of that. I'm sure we can find a way to make those work to our advantage. Unfortunately, I'm slowly being worn down as they suspect I know something I shouldn't know. Sleep deprivation...every time I managed to fall asleep last night, Foxy would pounce on my chest and rub my face with her tickly whiskers...waking me up....1 a.m....2 a.m...over and over again. But I won't break...I won't....this issssssssssssszzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......


Uninvited Writer profile image

Uninvited Writer 8 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

Great hub! My cat Boo is definitely a member of F.U.R.B.A.L.L.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Thanks for the freindly warning, Spryte, but I fear no cat. I live with one, and my constant tormenting has tamed her nicely. I have never met an animal I couldn't bend to my will. They don't call me Evilpants, for nothin'!


sixtyorso profile image

sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

Do you think Foxy has his Double Oh number? 007? Plase warn all recruits that some humans have really started to wise up and are inserting chips under the skin of F.U.R.R.B.A.L.L's so that they can be easily tracked if they decide that they can no longer remain undercover with their designated humans. Another great trick is to french kiss the over attentive humans when they respond too effusively to the purring manouvre, the roughness and surprising dry nature of your tongue comes as an unpleasant surprise to the humans. Also when the designated human takes on a new partner who may prove threatening to the cause, defecate on the bed clothes as this clearly signifies your dislike of the newcomer. Get very fit before attempting this manouvre, so that you can easily jump out of the way or escape, as a swipe of the hand or foot or even a swish with a broom may be aimed in your direction. Another less obvious manouvre to illustrate your displeasure with the interloper, is to sit on the lap of your intended victim and urinate in tiny dribbles while mewling somewhat affectionately. it may then look like your victim has wet themselves causing suitable embarrassment and a possible exit from the scene.

The above is an extract of the advanced F.U.R.B.A.L.L. survivors guide.

Great hub. very funny.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

Patty: LOL! Thank you :)

BT: As your friend, I must caution you. My husband found uh...parts...in the back yard the other day and while he dismissed them as bunny bits, I think Foxy just stashed the antlers someplace else. You may wish to reconsider which side you aid and abet.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 8 years ago from Hell, MI

Pssst. Let me know if you need a trainer. I am familiar with advanced espionage techniques, and willingly share my expertise with other species. particularly those engaged anti-human activities.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

OMG! - This reminds me of Forbidden Planet, as heckled on Mystery Science Theater 3000. I can't stop laughing.


spryte profile image

spryte 8 years ago from Arizona, USA Author

mistyhorizon: Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed this and say hi to the vets for me!

talented: You are very welcome. I'm keeping a close eye on Foxy and hoping that the duplicitous behavior of her and her cohorts can be exposed before it is too late. :)


talented_ink profile image

talented_ink 8 years ago from USA

LMAO! All this time I thought my cat was expressing his undying love for me and he's just been using me as a pawn for Project F.U.R.B.A.L.L.?! Thank you Spryte for exposing this heinous fiasco.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 8 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Hilarious, I am going to forward this on to friends of mine who still work at the vets where I used to and have cats themselves.

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