Prudes of the World - Unite!!

prude (prδδd)

NOUN:

One who is excessively concerned with being or appearing to be proper, modest, or righteous.

According to most dictionaries, this is an accepted definition of the word. Evidently, in its earlier incarnations the word "excessively" was not a part of the definition and it was actually considered a compliment! However, as time went on and society became more accepting of impropriety, it became a feminine slur...

It's time to take back this word and its original meaning. Prudes of the world...let us UNITE!

I don't consider myself to be a card-carrying member of the pornography police. As an adult, you have every right to view or read whatever you consider to be sexually stimulating in private. Just as I have every right not to have it shoved down my throat 24/7. Should you choose to spend your hard earned cash encouraging the opposite sex to take it from you...again, that is your prerogative. Don't ask me to spend mine on something I find demeaning. However, should your income tie directly to my income...then I'm going to have something to say about it.

Example:

Husband: I'm going out to shoot pool with Wayne.

Wife: Have fun! Where are you going?

Husband: Uh...The Porn Palace. But I'm only going to shoot pool...I swear. It's Wayne's idea to go there...but I'm not going to be looking at any naked women...I'm just going because that's where he picked. I'm only shooting pool.

Wife: Hmm...I see. Well since you are only going to shoot pool...Yancy's is just around the corner, it's cheaper and you won't have any distractions.

Husband (on phone with Wayne): Meet you at Yancy's? Yeah...yours too?

Yes...yes...I've heard all the arguments. These girls are actually working their way through med or law school and are in actuality VERY smart. To be honest, I think they are...they've figured out that they can take your dollars by showing you their boobs. This makes YOU the idiot. And since no woman wants anyone in the world to know just how stupid her husband is...not to mention the fact that you are dipping into the mutual funds of the household...you are forbidden to publicly admit your idiocy.

With so many married men forbidden to go to what is fondly called "the titty bar," another creative solution needed to be found. Thus the titty bar disguised as a "family restaurant" was born. It was supposed to be a win/win situation. The wife would be happy hearing those joyful words, "Honey, I'm taking you out to dinner" and he could watch the waitress bend over his table in her skimpy little uniform. Unfortunately, men aren't very good at naming these places and thought that their wives would be fooled by names such as "Hooters" and "The Tilted Kilt" to name a couple...

Example:

Husband: You've been working so hard today. Why don't we go out to dinner together tonight?

Wife: Oh you are the greatest husband...what a terrific idea! Where do you want to go, darling?

Husband: I was thinking...Hooters! They have great chicken wings!

Wife: How about Wendy's?

Yes...yes...I've heard the arguments on this one too. What do I have against chicken wings...especially good ones?! I must be....A PRUDE!! That's right...there you have it folks. While it was certainly understandable for me to be bent out of shape over mostly naked women writhing on stripper poles, it was totally irrational for me to be against women with clothes on serving me dinner.

I did the only thing I could think of at the time...I resorted to the feminist equality argument...

"The day they have a restaurant called "Peckers"...and you take me there for dinner....is the day I will believe "Hooters" is the bastion of great chicken wings."

Which of course got me thinking truly evil thoughts about opening a franchise and calling it "Peckers" just to see how many men would want to dine there...

But just imagine it for a moment with me if you will...

Our logo could be a chicken...nothing offensive there. Like Hooter's owl...if you think the name has a double meaning, you must be the current definition of the word "prude."

Our staff would be made up of drool-worthy men in tight fitting and brief garments. No uggos would be hired for outside the kitchen...no matter how many lawsuits for discrimination would be filed!

The menu would be fabulously titillating, making it hard to choose between our "Big O" onion rings and our "French-kissed" Fries. We'd offer all dishes in sizes from "No...it's not small" to "Oh, baby!" (because after all...size does matter). Just make sure to save room for dessert. Unfortunately we wouldn't be able to cater to vegans since there would be no such thing as a meatless entrée in our restaurant.

Yeah...it's laughable...but as a woman, it might amuse me to go to such a restaurant only once...and just with the girls. I guess it's because I'm a prude.