Smart Investors Keep Their Cash Under the Mattress

Pardon my naivete, but don’t people put their money in banks to earn interest? That’s what I was was taught and that’s why I would accompany my dad to his branch bank to deposit all the birthday and Christmas cash i received from my family. I thought it was a wonderful way to earn a few extra dollars lust for depositing that money. That’s where my parents advised me to stash all my loot, then watch the principal grow over the years. It seemed like a good idea.

I am much, much older now and still regard banks as places of safekeeping that can also provide some growth in the value of my cash cache, small as it might be

That ‘s been true until just recently when I read about how the Bank of Japan now offers a negative rate of return for the privilege of holding on to your savings. Now, I might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but for some reason, the idea of me paying a bank to hold my cash stuck in my craw. I can’t seem to wrap my head around a bank policy that insists that I pay the institution to hold onto my money so they can use it as they please to enhance their bottom line while depleting mine.

Am I stupid? Has the world gone mad? Have the 1 percenters devised yet another scheme to separate me and my fellow 99 percenters from our cash?

Financial experts have apparently bought into the new money strategy and have given the new policy a thumbs upand a knowing wink. The we win / customers lose strategy is the latest ploy by big banking to separate us bottom feeders from the wealthy class who use offshore secret bank accounts to make them some serious bucks.

All this while we dumb bunny (code for dumb a**) commoners kowtow and accept this newfound monetary wisdom to which we are not privy. In my book, these actions rate nothing more than a hearty WTF response and do nothing but fuel my growing dislike for the bankers and their secret world.

I refuse to be outdone by a group of effete money manipulating bankers expensively suited in garish pin stripe suits. To counteract the financial moves of their banking system, I have a better idea for your money that I am willing to share with you: Rather than pay these stooges to sit on your hard earned cash, why not join my new Matt Stash Bank?

Here’s how the Matt Stash Bank Plan works:

The heart and soul of the Matt Stash Bank Plan are matresses.You heard right … mattresses. With or without springs, the cheaper the better- unless you are running a brothel. Why mattresses you ask? It’s been common practice for generations for folks to stash their money under their mattresses. It’s been going on since the invention of comfort mats.

As long as our newly conceived bank operation home is secure and has a working alarm system, our “between the sheets” low tech, under the mattress plan strategy can go a long way towards preserving your hard earned money..

Matt Stash Bank

Think about it. Here’s how the system works now.

Not only do banks charge for holding your money, they also charge for every deposit and withdrawal you make. If you are like most bank clients, that can add up to a considerable amount every year. If you stash under our mattress, you will not incur any costs for the privilege of depositing or withdrawing your own funds.

So how do we earn money? We don’t charge people to make deposits into their Matt Stash account. Nor do we charge our clients to deposit or withdraw their funds like the big banks are beginning to do.

All the funds that we are keeping safe under our network of mattresses is invested in safe municipal bonds. We don’t pay interest, and we don’t charge people to store their money under our mattress,

In essence, we get free money to invest and our clients get to deposit their money free

Sleep on my proposal for a bit and when ready, call me at Matt Stash Banking at the Trump Tower in NYC. Genius don’t you thin?

There are no doubt a number of additional benefits yet to be discovered for our fledgling Under-mattress banking concept. The timing is perfect. Get on it now before the bankers buy up all the mattress manufacturers.

As our bank grows, it is conceivable that we may join forces with major hotel chains who have plenty of available mattress space that just lies there unproductively.

Mat-Stash Bank has a certain ring about it. Its time has come. There is no better place to stash your cash then under our mattress.

See us about establishing a savings account. ASk about our Flat loans and freshly laundered money. With Matt Stash Bank, there are no Springs Attached.