Social Security Owes Me Money

Social Security Owes Me Money

 Dear IRS Person,

 First of all, I hope you are having a good day. Why? Because: #1. I just like hearing that people are having a good day, and #2. Because honestly, it gives my letter to you a better chance of not ending up in "the round file". By "Good Day", if you are a male, I hope you started your day with a nice hot shower, a good hearty breakfast (because it truly is the most important meal of the day), I hope that you didn't have to stand in line too long at Dunkin Donuts for your morning coffee, and lastly, I hope that you got a little sumpin' sumpin' last night. If this letter is being read by a female, by "Good Day", I hope that when you woke this morning, you got a hot shower and while stepping out of that shower as you stepped on the dreaded weight scale- I hope it read 3 lbs. lighter than yesterdayl. I hope that your children are grown and no longer living at home, so that you could leave the house without  making lunches, ironing a skirt, or helping with last minute homework projects that are due today. I hope that you woke up 2 hours early, so that you had time to fix your hair and make-up. And lastly, I hope you gave your husband a little sumpin' sumpin' last night, so that you don't have to think about anything for the next week, other than that book your reading that sits on your nightstand.

 The reason for my letter is this: How many years can I go back if I want to file an amended tax return? I would like to go back approx. 33 years, if that's possible. You see, I got a letter in the mail from you people that tells me when I retire, I will only be receiving some $300 per month. My kid's cell phone bill is $300 a month!! There has been a terrible mistake, and I did not file my taxes correctly all of these years. I have to admit, that "Tax Returns" have always been an item on my husband's "To Do" list, and therefore I had no knowledge of his "typical" male ignorance. Do you believe that he has had me listed as "unemployed" for the past 33 years?! Yep! Typical male thinking!

 Oh, I have been working alright! You see, he should have listed my job description as: Self- Employed, and my title as: a Domestic. For 33 years, I have worked scrubbing floors (before they invented the Swiffer); I have cooked approximately 2 meals a day, 365 days per year for 33 years for a family of 6. (Now I want to stop right here and let you know, that I have personally heard of many people cheating on their taxes. I won't name names, because I am NOT a rat. Well okay...I WILL give you one name: Donald Talbot...he's a contractor that has cheated a lot of home owners out of money, and I'd be willing to bet he never reports any of his income. Anywhoo... cheating for myself is just not in my makeup! For example: I could have EASILY told you that I had prepared THREE meals a day for all of those years, but you and I both know that technically, cereal for breakfast does not count as a meal! So you see Sir/Madam...I am no cheat.) Along with the cleaning and cooking, I have done yard work (shoveled driveways with an actual shovel, not a snowblower), I've taxied/chauffered kids to numerous ballgames, birthday parties, and friends' houses. I've been a personal shopper to this brood: shopping for Christmas gifts, school clothes, school supplies, etc.... I've been an event planner- hosting numerous birthday and graduation parties (do you believe kids graduate from kindergarten, middle school, high school, the Tech, & then Unniversity now-a-days! Makes you understand more clearly how Mr. Hallmark & Mr. American Greetings got rich now, doesn't it?) I've done dog walking and litterbox cleaning. I've nursed children back to health from many a malady; from a burst appendix to a first period. (True...the appendix BURST, because I first had misdiagnosed that stomach pain as constipation, and I apologized for that.) Anyway, I think you get the picture. It is ludicrous that my husband would have noted that I was "unemployed" on our tax forms all of these years!

 So please ammend my tax forms (as far back as you can). I would like myself to be listed as Self-Employed with a Home Business! I would like you to deduct my entire house, because I have worked in every single room, every day of my life. I would like you to deduct all of my cabs throughout the years and the gas, oil and repairs for those cabs; to include: a Toyota Tercel, a Toyota 4-Runner, and a Toyota Corolla. (what can I say? The Japanese make a good car. Besides that- I feel a little guilty about Hiroshima & Nagasaki; in the same way that I feel a little guilty about Slavery, and about not being there to Welcome Home  the Viet Nam Vets with ticker tape parades); a Dodge Durango, a Volvo (that was a good year!), a Ford Fairlane; a Mercury Sable, and a Honda Element.  I would like to deduct all of my cleaning supplies: Windex, Mr. Clean, Pine-Sol, Scrubbing Bubbles etc...  (I think you get the point here.) I would like to list ZERO dependents...although between you and I, we both know that all of these clowns have depended on me for everything, from feeding them a bottle at 2am to returning and paying for an overdue DVD. I still choose to list ZERO dependents, because I have always had it ingrained in my brain: that it is better to pay out more now by claiming zero dependents, then getting a surprise bill from you guys at the end of the year!

 Can we talk here just for a minute about this "dependent thing"? I always hated that word: Dependent. UGH! From the day I was born, I was listed as a dependent for somebody. My parents listed me on their tax forms as a Dependent. When I married my husband, he was in the U.S. Air Force, and the Air Force listed me as a Dependent. Being "just" a housewife and mother of 4 all of these years, I myself, have come to believe that I am a Dependent. That I have depended on my husband's pay and career to support me & my family. Well answer me this....if "I" am the Dependent, then why every night for 33 years at around 7 o'clock  does everyone in this family hang around staring at me looking  so sad like those little kids in the "Save The Children" ads on TV...just begging for a meal? (Come on people...there's this thing called a "refrigerator" and this other thing called a "microwave oven"; both invented years ago!) But I'm the dependent! How come every day of my life I have heard people say to me things like: "We need more toothpaste!", "I need a notebook for school!" "We're all out of toilet paper!" "I need a ride to practice!" And I'm the Dependent? I guess you would understand now, why I think of the word "Dependent" as somewhat degrading. I am not a Dependent, I am a semi-retired self-employed Domestic and I want my money.

 Don't give me this $300 a month Social Security stipend either! My daughter gets more than that from you government people just for having a baby out of wedlock...and, she gets it in CASH! They also throw in Free Food Vouchers (it's politically correct to call it an EBT card now, not Food Stamps); and..she gets Free Medical. I have an insurance plan that I pay for and that only pays $6 toward a teeth cleaning! Don't you call me a Dependent! I ain't nobody's bitch! Don't you dare say I sat on my a** my whole life and did nothing! You people owe me money and I want it. I'm not going to ask for any interest on that money, because I realize that this Country is in a whole mess of financial trouble right now, but I will point out that by keeping my money all of these years, YOU have been able to use the interest on MY money! Hah! What do you say to that? I say, that you are looking at a good American right here sister (or mister...cause I don't know who's reading this letter). So you just go ahead and do what you have to do to fix this. I realize that it was my husband who made a mistake when filing, but it's time to right this wrong! Again, I realizeand am not entirely sympathetic regarding this Country's money troubles, but that had nothing to do with me, I've only voted a handful of times in my life (and not unlike my husband- it looks like all you all have made a few money mistakes yourselves, eh?) So do what you have to do, but bottom line is this: pay up! I'll be fully retired soon and at $300 a month, I don't want to become one of the Government's Dependents. Just drop one of those Space Flights or forclose on that Camp David vacation site... just do something. It can be done. I can even offer you another bailout if need be. Let's conduct this transaction like the Powerball Lottery! Let's just say you owe me $3,000 per year for the past 33 years. That comes out to $99,000 I think. Instead of paying me $4,950 per year for the next 20 years, not unlike the Lottery, you can pay me my back wages in a one-lump sum option of...let's just say $50,000. But after that...I intend to look over my husband's shoulder to make sure that he files my taxes correctly. Oh yeah...and don't forget to fix that Social Security thing...cause I sure as hell am not going to be able to live on that paltry farce of a $300 per month stipend that you thought you were going to throw my way! You may have thought that I was just going to accept being a Dependent all of my life until I died and disappeared in a Cloud of Dust, well it ain't happening. And if I don't get some satisfaction soon, I'll go over your head...do you happen to have the address of Oprah Winfrey?

Respectfully yours,                                                                                                                   From one American to another,                                                                                                    

Anita Sue 

P.S. Dont' you ever screw with me again and insult me with your $300 a month. And don't you ever call me a "Dependent" again. I swear, I'll slap a class action lawsuit on you so fast for discriminating against housewives everywhere!

 

 

5 comments

christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 5 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom

Good luck with that.

I think a multi talented person like you should be running your country, instead of being redsuced to existing off the scraps.

Thanks for a very funny article.


Anita Sue profile image

Anita Sue 5 years ago Author

Dear Christopheranton,

Thank you for your very intelligent observations! And this is why I'm thinking of voting for Donald Trump if he ever runs for President! I think that we really need a "money" person to straighten this mess out!

If a non-college graduate, like myself, has been able to raise a family of 4, not bounce checks, pay off the balance on all credit cards every month, and still manage to pay her oil bill within 10 days for the 10% discount; you'd think the U.S. Government would be able to get out of this pickle we're in. Didn't anyone in Washington ever hear the old saying: "Never a lender or borrower be"? (That advice might not get you friends, but it won't put your economy in the crapper, either!)

I'm just thinking that if my husband (the one with the 25+ year career, the one with the fancy job title, the one known as "The Provider" of this family), if he had paid me at least minimum wage all of these years for doing a little "providing" for this family myself; then maybe I could have filed Income Tax, shown that I was working for poverty level pay, and in the end; I could have shown that I earned a little more Social Security than $300 per month.

Don't get me wrong! I think that my husband has been a Great Provider & that he deserves Kudos for that. What I'm saying is that "society" will tell you that "Motherhood" and "Taking Care of the Home" is the most important and unappreciated "JOB" you'll ever have! "Society" says that! So either society is just blowing smoke up all the stay-at-home mamas' butts, or society OWES us...what is it?

Now, getting off my soap box (the same soap box which contents I have used to wash clothes, wash dogs, wash floors, wash dishes, etc....); getting off my soapbox; I just want to stress the fact that this Hub was (almost) entirely satirical and was meant to be a "Laughs Only" piece- with a slight hint of sarcasm, dipped in a bit 'o truth. Thank you for getting it - thank you for letting me know that I made you smile. I hope that smiles and laughter come your way - every day...because laughter is what's "truly" good for the soul.

Yours in loving me ;)

Anita Sue


Reynold Jay profile image

Reynold Jay 5 years ago from Saginaw, Michigan

This is a BIG WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Christopher is a top writing talent and a big thinker. You'll be hearing more from him. Be sure to read a HUB or two by him. You should think about placing the one article ( that I talked about)( not this one) on hold while you get it polished up. If a reader finds that first, they will not move on to your other HUBS and never know how clever you are. For now, keep writing like this. When you have a big nest of gems, we can approach the paying world for a column that you so richly deserve. Yep, $300 a month is insulting for 33 years of mothering. I understand,as will everyone,that this is meant to be funny and yet strikes a chord of anger at the same time. That is the genius of your writing. RJ


Anita Sue profile image

Anita Sue 5 years ago Author

Dear RJ, I have pulled the other Hub as you suggested and have placed it on my list of things to clean (like the attic, the outside windows, and my car...no rush but "always on my mind").

Best Regards,

Anita


Reynold Jay profile image

Reynold Jay 5 years ago from Saginaw, Michigan

You did well to pull it and when you repost it, you'll know you did the right thing. I'm not trying to be a bossy person, just want what is best for you. Yep, never rush. RJ

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