Stopping "Food Hogs" from ruining your weekend dinner party

Take a good, close look

when you see a person or persons sitting in a restaurant with their plates filled to maximum capacity with any type of food, then you are not in the presence of a "Regular Joe." You are in the presence of a

"Food Hog"

can easily be attributed to one thing: "Food Hogs." I know. I said 'one thing,' but I have never claimed to have a Ph.D in English. "Food Hogs" is normally a group of three to five men and maybe a woman or two. Their main goal in life is eating. That's it. Just eating. And eating.Without any sign of a worried conscience, these daring people live to eat a lot and often.

And "Food Hogs" are NOT gluttonous nor do they want to deprive a hungry person from their fair share of food, these special people seemingly were put on God's earth to eat.

Do not judge. These people are NOT abusive people. They had rather step in front of an oncoming semi-truck with trailer than hurt anyone or even a beast. They pay taxes without argument or cheating. They are exemplary employees, neighbors, and friends. And honest, let me tell you. They are all honest to to a fault. These folks are wonderful givers to churches, the needy, or a stranger in hard times. These people never have to be begged to help. They are always there to help.

Their only fault, if we can call it a fault, is they love to eat and they do it with a passion such as master painter, Vincent van Gogh, who loved the subjects of his painting so much, that he suffered several mental break downs.

Look at the person to the left

when you see a person or persons eating every crumb of food on his or her plate and what is left on the plates of those at his or her table, and they, the ones eating with such a drive, are not stopping to talk to anyone, well you know that this person is a

"Food Hog"

to me would be, and I know that I am giving away the ending of this hub, but I figure that if our government and other world governments would allocate a few billion bucks to train concerned people to have "Eating Education Seminars" and teach people how to eat and how much to eat, this would stall the future food shortage that economists say we will suffer due to our farmers not being able to grow enough food to feed us and the rest of the world.

Do you know who is really to blame? Take a wild guess. "Food Hogs." You are right. Teach a "Food Hog" how much to eat and you can help our world to survive a few more years. But stand by and watch the "Food Hogs" eat like there is no tomorrow, we only contribute to the food shortage tragedy that is just around the corner. For me, I do not like to feel guilty when I could have helped.

So here are my ideas on how to face the "Food Hogs" with a brave spirit and even suffer some persecution along the way, but all the time know that "we" are suffering so the rest of mankind may have another meal.

Other slang terms used for "Food Hogs":

• Bottomless pit
• Gut
• A Gut Fed
• Human Eating Machine
• Locust with Legs and Arms
• Danger to Free Society

"Food Hogs" are normally the first to show-up at community events such as grand openings that have free hotdogs and balloons for the kids and of course, those neighborhood barbecue parties you or your friends have on weekends. Remember, "Food Hogs" are never tardy.

"Food Hogs" are always smartly-dressed and have shining appearances. So keep your eyes peeled for couples or single people with great appearances and nice clothes. Odds are, these people are "Food Hogs" in disguise.

"Food Hogs" when you greet them never make eye contact with you. They smile and listen to your gracious welcome but all the time looking past you and toward the table in your dining room that is heaping full of great eats.

"Food Hogs" seldom talk to other guests you have at your party. We can credit "Food Hogs" for not dominating conversations. How could they? Their mouths are always loaded down with food.

"Food Hogs" up to a few years ago, made several trips to the dining table to get their fourth or fifth plate of food, but they wised up. Now days they send their plate by the wife or girlfriend to get another helping or three of your special "New England Style Fried Clams." In other words, "Food Hogs" know well how to use misdirection like the Seattle Seahawks of the NFL.

Meet the known--"Food Hog" before he or she can stake a claim on your table of food. Simply tell the "Food Hog" that you are a close friend of the hostess and she has commissioned you to humbly ask them to eat a moderate amount of food, say a two-trip minimum to the table due to you having financial trouble filling the grocery list. Most "Food Hogs" will honor this request, eat once and leave.

Pay the little kids--who may be present at your dinner party to say cute remarks to "those people who eat a lot" as you say to the youngsters. Have them to go up to the "Food Hogs" and say, "Hey, mister! I am hot down here. Can I stand in your shadow for a shade?" or "Miss, I have read of people in foreign countries who would love to eat as much as you." I promise you that the "Food Hogs" will get the hint.

Be the "voice of reason"--by standing near the area where guests are to fill their plates and in a low-but-firm voice, tell the hungry "Food Hogs" that you read a very interesting article in the New England Papers for Medicine that stated eating more than two plates of food can take at least nine years of of anyone's life who practices this type of eating.

Bump into--the "Food Hog" and act as if it were an accident. I know that this is a cruel method to prevent "Food Hogs" from "eating you out of house and home" but sometimes a person has to do what they have to do. Of course, apologize quickly, but point out that the fall sent potato salad and spaghetti sauce onto the female "Food Hog's" dress and the male "Food Hog's" shirt, so they will get up and head home in order to wash their clothing before they stain.

Sit down at the table--and pretend to be eating. (you can "really" eat later). When a "Food Hog" bounces up to the table with his or her eyes wide with excitement at the massive amount of food to eat, you put on an Oscar-winning performance by saying, "Ugghhh! Yukkk! This beef stew has roaches!" Then with your hand shaking, hold up a fake roach you purchased at a local gag store. This scene will be planted in the "Food Hogs"memories and they should go home immediately.

Concentrate on the--female "Food Hogs" by using compliments to keep them from eating all of of your baby back ribs. "Wow, that dress looks great on you. I bet you seldom eat a plateful of food," you can say this to any female "Food Hog" and her ego will not let her get more than two plates of food. Note: Females can use this statement on male "Food Hogs" and the guy will be lead away from the food table by his pumped up male ego.

Be direct--with the "Food Hogs." After all, it's your house. Say the following in a nice tone, "Hi, Jim. I didn't know that you were training to be a competitive eater. That makes your fifth plate. I know. I have watched you. How do you do it?" Of course, the "Food Hog" will be ashamed and complimented at the same time and simply fade into the crowd.

Do some research--on any "Food Hogs" who are on the guest list. Then study their hobbies, likes and dislikes. And just at the right time, interrupt their hand going back and forth from the table to their plate by starting up a conversation by asking the "Food Hogs" about their college days, fly fishing and other interests. And if the "Food Hog" has won any awards such as "Insurance Salesman of The Year" you have hit pay-dirt. This should keep him talking and talking until other guests have had a fair chance at getting enough food to enjoy.

The "Old Go For The Throat"--approach. I do not recommend this strategy unless a group of "Food Hogs" have attended every party you have thrown for nine consecutive times. And each time they show up, they yell, "Stand back everyone! 'Mr. Mighty Mouth's is here and is famished!" Then with his wife and five friends, completely wipe out every piece of food sitting on your table then start ribbing you with, "Hey, Ann! Got any more whole hams in the refrigerator?" Then use this tactic: Get a photographer friend of yours to ask if he or she can shoot photos of them and give them a free 8x10 portrait. But as the "Food Hogs" group for the photo, the photographer can let loose cruel remarks such as: "Man, you are a big guy!" "Just how much can you eat?" and if this does not get the "Food Hogs'" attention and make them shape-up (no pun here) nothing will.

I am finished. Soup's on.

Good night, Tecumseh, Michigan.