Donald Trump For Dictator

For the Trumpins, Trumpsters and Trumpettes who disdain the talk of a president Donald Trump being a dictator consider the following. His genius for irrelevancy: Zero club head speed and look at the size of his hands. His lack of specificity: It’s gonna be better, faster, taller, bigger, and stronger. As opposed to: Discussing the finer points of Smoot Hawley and Glass-Steagall. Moreover, Trump supporters do not seem to care what he actually says or does or doesn’t say or doesn’t do. For instance, two of Trumps most famous and popular black, female supporters did not seem to have any problem with the fact that Trump couldn’t be bothered to tell the Ku Klux Klan to return to hell and stay there this time.

So let’s look at some presidential findings and executive orders that may come from the desk of a Dictator in Chief. All that follows is a fairy tale and a fictional prediction for the purposes of amusement only! We’re experts, sorta, don’t try this at home….

Trump called it a Wall Tax. Everyone else called it the Trump tax. Given the vagaries of the legislative and court processes the actual names for it might be fee, assessment, tariff, regulatory enablement, donation, contribution or heavenly emolument for the purpose of calling down divine intervention in mortal affairs. Never forget that as one man famously said: The law is an ass. After all, if you give your girlfriend a gift after sex—every time—it’s nobody’s business. But if you give a stranger money for sex then it’s everybody’s business.

Trump will tax all foreigners in the US on green cards and visas. He will tax all tourists. He will put a tariff on all goods and services from Mexico. Trump will put a hefty service charge on everyone who is caught hiring illegals—including housewives with illegal maids. Billionaire corporations and individuals will be forced to pay millions for hiring illegals just to keep the corporate officers out of jail. Anyone deported from the United States will pay a Wall Tax.

At some point Trump will authorize the creation of paraphernalia like golf balls with his likeness on them and he will make millions for the US treasury by selling the golf balls to Mexico and whomever else wants to buy them. These official government memorophilia will be sold with phrases like “Smack the hell out of Trump!” Donald J. Trump will make bank on the fact that in some quarters he will be the most hated man in the world.

Donald Trump will surcharge so many things all over the world so often for the Trump Tax that the treasury may receive as much as $100 billion of the course of his presidency. After cost overruns the $10 billion wall will actually cost $50 billion. $10 billion will be stolen outright. Another $10 billion will be lost through waste fraud and abuse.

The remaining $30 billion will be spent to protect the wall. The wall will be topped with razor wire and laser beam sensors. The wall will be monitored with dirigibles and drones. On the US side of the wall anti-tunneling devices will be buried that will detect tunnels and collapse them.

Mysteriously, most machines and vehicles—except for special US machines and vehicles—will stop operating within 10 yards of the wall. This will prevent desecraters from either side from ramming the wall. Although nothing will be confirmed by the US government, anyone approaching the wall at any point other than the designated entry points will feel burning and itching sensations that will become intolerable if they actually touch the wall. Some say it was because the wall was coated with the seeds and eggs of the world most obnoxious and icky plants and insects. This explained why gate guards with unprotected skin constantly had skin rashes and allergies all though it did not explain why all gate guards consistently complained of a persistent ringing in their ears.

Trump declared that all western nations would stop paying people to kill us. He banned all trade, commerce and flights to all countries of the middle east except Israel. He even created a naval blockade and no fly zones. Europe and the rest of the industrial and western world were not amused. Not even when he offered them terror free US coal and oil.

Trump turned every spare acre of government owned land in the south western deserts of America into a giant solar farm and imported unemployed black youths from the inner cities to learn how to build and actually construct electrical energy transmission lines to the rest of the US. He declared that once this project was finished that it would be illegal to burn fossil fuels of any kind within the boundaries of the continental US. All coal, gas and oil would be sold to foreigners and all of it would be taxed to help maintain the Trump Wall.

Trump will create the Department of Cyber Warfare. They will be dedicated to modifying existing computer viruses and creating new ones to attack cyber criminals and nations which are not nice to the US.

Trump will redirect NASA away from pure exploration and into finding miniature black holes for the purposes of building a time machine. Basically because he thought having a time machine would be cool.

In order to reduce the debt and deficit Trump would abolish the following:

1) EPA

2) National Endowment for the Arts

3) Department of Education

4) Homeland Security

5) All Czars

6) Funding for Planned Parenthood

7) Welfare

Trump will declare that meat is murder and replace all meat with textured insect proteins.

Trump will declare that all privies, toilets, washrooms and bathrooms in America be made touch-less. The doors will open and close automatically. All toilets, sinks and paper towel dispensers will have heat sensors. We declare war on contagion says Trump. I alone can cure the common cold!!!

Trump declares that airline passengers must be stripped nude and sonically cleansed and searched before airline travel. For both safety and hygiene.

Trump declares that all homeless and anyone who has claimed unemployment for a year or longer has one additional year to either get a job or be forcibly inducted into the military. The new conscripts get to work on maintaining the Trump wall.

Trump mandated that all video games that have as there chief objectives the torture, maiming and killing of the innocent and vulnerable be altered to incorporate an ornate and arcane suicide ritual that offers to give the game player ultimate power if he will only agree to kill himself. The first players of the game are death row serial killers. After every one of them kills himself the game is declared a success and unleashed on the unsuspecting public. The game players self select. If you are a person who thinks it would be a good idea play a game where you get extra points for beating an octogenarian nun to death with her own walking cane for praying to loud for your soul, then this game is for you!

When congress refuses to move on omnibus spending bills to build monuments to The Donald, Trump closes down the government. All of it. Even the military.

Trump abolishes public employee unions, lobbyists and leaf blowers.

Trump made it illegal for companies and corporations to move out of the US. He also levied heavy Wall Taxes on all US companies that--for tax purpose--are outside or largely outside the US. For companies that do manage to move out of the US they get levied a heavy, heavy wall tax in order to move. For all millionaires and billionaires who move out to the US or renounce US citizenship a heavy Wall Tax is levied. Everyone who moves out of the US for political purposes (they hate Trump for instance) or renounces their citizenship for political purposes, a heavy wall fine is levied.

The terms “environmental activist” and “animal rights activist” are banned. Henceforth by presidential proclamation they shall be known as “Green Weenies!” Green Weenies are banned from interstate and international travel. All visits, meeting and conferences, including with their relatives must occur via video conferencing. Donald Trump took you seriously Green Weenies. Now you are forced to conserve and you are banned from polluting. This meant that no famous Hollywood actor could travel to make any movie. Hollywood moved to making movies with computer generated actors.

Donald Trump mandated that all electronic devices be outfitted with backdoors and monitoring devices. Even TVs and doorbells had government listening devices inside them.

Donald Trump declared that the human body is more than a device operated by viruses and bacteria as a means to transport diseases from place to place. Trump declared war on all diseases.

All human waste was collected and mined for useful bacteria and viruses and toxins that might be used to cure disease. So was all pet waste, all yard waste as well as examples of all spores, molds and fungi. Every substance on earth was tried in every conceivable combination against every disease on earth. The NIH and the CDC were ordered to create digitized smart databases on all diseases, medicines and cures. If a new disease that had never been seen showed up then the smart database must be able to create a brand new cure based on existing cures and the characteristics of the new contagion.

Pollution of all types were banned. All pollution, even polluted air was to be collected and studied to death. A use was to be found for every useless thing. Even politicians and lawyers can make good compost Trump opined.

No more oil wars Trump mandated. Some said his blockades of the air and sea in the middle east amounted to a trade war. Trump pointed out that whatever he said 24 hours ago was non-operative. Only what he said 5 minutes ago was in play.

Trump will gather up all the white separatists and supremacists and black separatists and black supremacists and put them on an island. Each side is armed with huge trebuchets. Leaving the island is punishable by death. Drones laden with TV cameras get to watch as the racists bludgeon each other to death.

Trump detractors are declared bribed, commie traitors and are all sent to Guantanamo. Trump declares himself president for life and has the entire Supreme Court impeached. The constitution is non-operative declared Trumplestillskin.

Trump noticing that there are free food samples all over the internet mandates that all soup kitchens have internet accounts on every free food sample website on the planet and that the homeless be fed with free food samples.

Trump mandates that until China, India and Indonesia clean up their act, Climate Change does not exist and the US will do nothing concerning Global Warming until the third world is pollution free.

Trump gives China 24 hours to remove all nuclear materials from North Korea. If you don’t he declares, the US will do it.

Trump declared that feminism and feminists no longer exist. This was proved by the lack of response to women being raped by fake refugees—actually economic refugees—in Europe. A real women’s organization--if one is ever formed again--will be immediately recognized because they will concentrate on the following:

1) Female genital mutilation

2) Punishing rape victims

3) Honor killing

4) Strapping bombs to children

5) Sexually enslaving women

6) Punishing homosexuals

7) Murdering homosexuals

8) Child marriage, Child Brides, and Forced Marriage

9) Domestic Violence

10) Disciplining or Punishing Wives

11) Beating Wives

12) Violence Against Women

13) Sharia law

14) Women being beaten or raped for wearing "inappropriate clothing"

15) Women being beaten or raped for leaving the house without a male relative as a chaperon

16) Women and men beating beaten and sometimes killed for expressing inappropriate thoughts in a blog.

17) Women and men being beaten and sometimes killed for being accused of disrespecting the religion of peace and tolerance.

Also, the belief that flogging, stoning, beheading are appropriate punishments for adultery, apostasy, witchcraft and blasphemy.