Eight Ways to Get Yourself Kicked Out of a Filthy Restaurant

I am not trying to be harsh, ugly, or even cold, but I want to point out to you that sometimes in life we just have to throw off our rose colored glasses and face certain hard truths. One being, there are, without a doubt, nasty, unclean restaurants in our midst. People know it, and still they flock to these cesspools as if nothing were wrong.

The reality is when you and I ignore certain dangerous conditions, say eating in a filthy restaurant, we run the risk of gambling with our health because you know as well as I do that consuming food prepared in a nasty environment can lead to food poisoning and other ugly physical afflictions.

I'll share a personal dining story that didn't turn out well before I tell you the name of this hub. My family and I dined our first (and last) time at this out-of-the-way catfish restaurant on a dismal Friday night. Everyone was having a great time. The place was jumping with droves of customers and the restaurant owner couldn't be happier.

We received our orders in record-time. I took my fork and cut into my still hot whole catfish fried just right. I heard the strange sound of my fork meeting with something that felt like ice. I soon discovered that it was ice. My catfish were not finished cooking. My appetite, which was big on those days, disappeared instantly. I did not cause a ruckus, but I did show this to my waitress in a discreet manner.

She apologized and took my order back to the kitchen to be re-cooked. When she brought it back, the catfish was stiff as any board you can stick a nail in and I just went through the motions of enjoying myself and we eventually left.

Today this story is funny to me. But since I am a fun-loving individual, I want to turn the tables a bit and share with you . . .

Eight Ways to Get Yourself Kicked Out of a Filthy Restaurant

Dead Give aways That a Restaurant is Filthy

• Rodents are dressed as well as the human customers.
• The dining tables are held together with bread dough.
• People who got drunk and passed out weeks ago are still sleeping in the floor.
• Flies are swarming from the coolers and kitchen.
• Underneath the "No Smoking" signs, are piles of cigarette butts.
• Your table is almost full of bullet holes.
• People not knowing this business is a restaurant are embarrassed to find out that it is not a public restroom.

My Restaurant Healthy Tip of The Day:
Simply visit the eatery before you make plans to eat there.

Dress "to the nines" -- clean shirt, new shoes (lyric by Z.Z. Topp, "Sharp Dressed Man, 1983). Your image of one who cares about their appearance will "go against the grain" of other patrons who love filthy dining places and the head waiter, "LeRoy Bubba Bobbs," will tell you to leave this establishment.

Talk Quietly and Civil -- to the waiter and whomever speaks to you. This is another thing filthy diner customers cannot relate to. They are used to yelling, bellowing, and cat-calling from the time they arrive, while they gorge on food that is halfway-prepared, to the time they finally leave. Your soft tone of voice will instantly cause problems and you will be told "you are not welcome here."

Smile, Be Courteous -- to your waitress or waiter. If you want kicked-out of a nasty place to eat, this is the way to do it. Waitresses and waiters who work in these smoke-filled "dives" are not trained on how to listen to people speak in soft-but-clear tones like you are using. You won't have to say that much, just use respectful tones when you speak and you are "outta there."

Chew Your Food -- unlike those around you who chew their food while most of it spills on their chins and clothing. In just moments, your nice table manners will be the center of attention and complaints will be given to the less-than-average restaurant manager and your presence will not longer be appreciated.

Keep Your Feet -- underneath your table. What a ghastly way to eat and have a great time with family and friends. You know that you are special when you see the majority of the clientele around you eating while putting their boots on their table and some even without socks. Yes, this too shall get you escorted off the dirty restaurant property.

"What's that odor?" -- will be heard when you and your family are seated in this dirt-laced restaurant. Why are people asking this rather odd question? It is because you and your family take regular baths using regular soap. Patrons of filthy restaurants feel as if you and your family are looking down on them and treating them like they are beneath you with your clean clothes and bodies. Oh, do not worry. This strategy will get you banned from every nasty restaurant that ever opened its doors.

Staying Sober -- the few moments that you and your family are in a filthy restaurant will guarantee quick-passage for you and your family from this fly-infested food trough to your car and then to where you live. You see, customers who love to eat in "filth holes" also love the very affordable alcohol prices so they load-up on all they can hold of their favorite beer and wines. A sober person like you will only make these people feel uncomfortable and they might not patronize this type of restaurant again. This potential loss of business scares any manager of a filthy, unclean restaurant. That is why you will never be welcomed inside one of these places again.

Keeping Your Cool -- when you finally wise-up and start to leave. Although your fine, patent leather shoes are stuck in the grease and chewing gum on the cement floor, you maintain your composure and do not cause a nasty scene. Besides, if you did cause a nasty scene, no one would be able to hear you for the yelling, bellowing, and drunken laughter.

Do you think that this hub is a joke? Well, are roaches, ants, and silverfish welcome in your kitchen?

Now as a parting barb, how about some accidental extensionalism? So roaches are at the top of the "Filth List," right? That's what I was always taught, so a sensible question might be: is there not one good thing to be believed about roaches?

The majority of you would yell "no, you fool," while the stubborn minority of which I am founder will silently smile and say, "roaches are the only known form of life who could survive a nuclear holocaust."

Something worth mulling over while eating lunch with your coworkers.