Grumpy, I'll say I'm grumpy, short story

Grumpy old man

You sort of slip into it really, there are no courses to go on and even if there were I couldn’t be bothered to attend. Mostly the reason for that is that I probably would hate everyone else on the course or think them complete idiots after one meeting.

I went to some sort of ‘get fit for old, fat people’ and decided after ten minutes to go wait in the park for my wife. It wasn’t the exercise, it was Doris or whatever her name was that was in charge. Purple rinse, slacks, and pumps, probably went dancing twice a week with a bloke called Trevor who ran the chemist shop for forty years. No, not for me, I put my scooter into top speed, around 8mph and beat it scarf fluttering behind me, I see myself as a sort of Biggles character.

The grumpiness is accelerated by cellophane wrappers [especially the ones on CD’s and DvD’s, reps or similar who call my wife and I ‘guys’, people dressing down, and oh so gross, drinking from the bottle at a restaurant table. I don’t want to eat surrounded by lager swilling degenerates particularly when I’m paying for the pleasure.

Thongs, I find rather disturbing for some reason too, knowing where that ribbon of cloth is going makes me queasy and people with strange hair colours I wonder if they do it for a bet, or perhaps their friends do it to them as a sick joke when they are drunk or asleep. Why do people need to stick pins and rings through everything? They must feel so uninteresting without them.

Mobile phones, everyone seems to spend their whole day with their ear attached to the phone. I don’t have one, I’ve been bought them for Christmas and such like, but the buttons are too small, I can’t read them or get my fingers to fit to them. I’ve had the misfortune to be within earshot of someone wandering around the supermarket trying to push their trolley and talk on the phone, those places are tedious enough without some clot asking his wife if they need pickled beetroot, or frozen peas, and then crashing into this week’s special offers. Also how bad mannered, when you are speaking to someone, their phone rings [usually with some stupid tone] and they leave your conversation to speak to the kids and tell them what’s for tea, which leaves you stood there like a spare part.

Another one is, people especially young fit ones who dump their cars in the Blue badge zone, and run into the shop, if you say something, they say ‘I was only a minute’ usually followed by a hand signal or verbal abuse. That seems to have replaced respect and good manners.

Labelling is something else, the writing is so small you can’t possibly see it or they print one colour on another making it illegible. Then they list things that are not in there; no sugar is one they use on something like bacon, but why should it have sugar? Low fat fresh fruit; is there any other sort?

Bogoff, well that means that when everything was full price and not free they were really ripping you off.

Television advertising, how stupid do they think we are; you use a certain aftershave and suddenly your neighbour’s wife hurdles the fence to rip your clothes off. Most of them smell like fly repellent rather than aftershave. I don’t buy certain brands because their adverts have so annoyed me, that I think ..d you, I’ll buy some one else’s.

What about doctor’s receptionists, but I think that is everybody not just me. They attend some sort of college, to learn the true ways of antagonising people whilst being obstructive unsympathetic and they deliberately mishear, and misunderstand everything you say; or they just don’t listen in the first place. There’s a sign about the reception desk telling you that the staff is not to be abused, I think there should be one for the receptionists to read telling them not to abuse patients.

The list is endless, and all the time you’re wondering why is it getting to you. I can only conclude that I just have time to notice these days, I don’t want to listen to other people’s noisy kids and bumping music from a passing car that has more power in the hi-fi than the engine, basically I just want to go about my day not troubling anyone and everyone keeping out of my face.