Just When is Drunk Really Drunk?

This is not a story about alcoholism. I’ve already done that with a piece entitled, “Places You Never Take a Drink or Show-up Drunk,” and in that hub, I did speak a bit about the dangers of alcohol-addiction.

Then after that story was published, I had this uneasy feeling in my gut as I guessed it to be a sign that I was not finished with the subject of drinking.

Drinking has two personalities. Actually, three. You already know the dark side of drinking: Helpless addiction. But did you ever stop to consider that “tipsy,” and “dog-drunk,” are also the other two personalities of drinking? If you didn’t, then you now realize just how subtle alcohol can be.

Alcohol is not just a distilled or brewed substance or liquid. Alcohol is a live, breathing, organism that expects respect from us that have “played with its fire,” and were burned. Alcohol plays the fool many times when we put it down our throats. I know. There were times when I was guzzling one brew after the other, partying like there was no sunrise and after the party was over, I was as sober as I am now. Thus, alcohol suffers sometimes from a personality disorder. In my case, alcohol didn’t know it could have made me intoxicated and unable to walk, talk, or speak.

With these newly-discovered facts, I must propose that there are degrees of drinking and degrees of drunkedness. It stands to reason because there was another time when four, 12-ounce beers got me so ripped that I just looked for a good safe place to sleep.

iDo not argue the “alcohol’s affects are due to what condition our metabolism is in,” argument. I have heard this debate from other drinkers “back in the day.”

So with some diligent-research and digging, I have compiled a highly-important list, and it’s just in time for the holidays . . .

“Ways to Know When Drunk is Really Drunk?”

You are really drunk

• when you answer to the name, “Barbara,” when you are obviously a male.
• when you try to hit on the lamp in the corner of the living room.
• when you do your best to ride the party host’s St. Bernard and trying to stay on him eight seconds.
• when you buy the clothes from a “Dr. Taylor,” who was invited to this wild party.
• when you try to get a good ol’ boy who is also at the party, shoot a banana off of your head.
• when you climb to the roof of your host’s double-wide and yell, “Up! Up! And Away! I am Superman!” And try to fly.
• when you try to eat the artificial fruit out of the center-piece on the dining room table.
• when you have forgotten how many shots you have had in the half-hour you have been at this party.
• when your friends at this, or any party, nick-name you, “Scott, the Slosh.”
• when two fifth’s of whiskey are standard equipment when you go out of town on a business trip.
• when you return from that same business trip and do not remember landing a big account.
• when your very breath could melt a plastic figurine your wife has sitting on the mantel above the fireplace.
• when you do not need starter-fluid to start a fire in the fireplace, you simply breathe on the wood.
• when driving and drinking doesn’t interest you, but jumping atop a moving freight train does.
• when the host’s kids hope you will pass-out soon so they can build a bridge over your back with Lego’s.
• when a party guest steps outside to get some air and spies a poisonous snake and you try to dance with it.
• when “you” are advising people to not drive and drink.
• when you finally look into the mirror and break-down crying thinking you have met your long, lost brother.
• When you choose boozing over an award-winning hub like this one.

Coming in the near future . . .”Great Things People Say When They Are Late”