Just When is Drunk Really Drunk?

Vintage ad for Black Label Beer

This is not a story about alcoholism. I’ve already done that with a piece entitled, “Places You Never Take a Drink or Show-up Drunk,” and in that hub, I did speak a bit about the dangers of alcohol-addiction.

Then after that story was published, I had this uneasy feeling in my gut as I guessed it to be a sign that I was not finished with the subject of drinking.

Drinking has two personalities. Actually, three. You already know the dark side of drinking: Helpless addiction. But did you ever stop to consider that “tipsy,” and “dog-drunk,” are also the other two personalities of drinking? If you didn’t, then you now realize just how subtle alcohol can be.

Passed out on a beach: Drunk or Really Drunk?

Passed out or napping?

Alcohol is not just a distilled or brewed substance or liquid. Alcohol is a live, breathing, organism that expects respect from us that have “played with its fire,” and were burned. Alcohol plays the fool many times when we put it down our throats. I know. There were times when I was guzzling one brew after the other, partying like there was no sunrise and after the party was over, I was as sober as I am now. Thus, alcohol suffers sometimes from a personality disorder. In my case, alcohol didn’t know it could have made me intoxicated and unable to walk, talk, or speak.

With these newly-discovered facts, I must propose that there are degrees of drinking and degrees of drunkedness. It stands to reason because there was another time when four, 12-ounce beers got me so ripped that I just looked for a good safe place to sleep.

Vintage ad for Corby's liquor

Celebrities known for excessive drinking in film and on television

FOSTER BROOKS
FOSTER BROOKS
MIKE FARRELL "B.J. HUNNICUT," WHO REPLACED WAYNE "TRAPPER JOHN" MCENTIRE ON M*A*S*H
MIKE FARRELL "B.J. HUNNICUT," WHO REPLACED WAYNE "TRAPPER JOHN" MCENTIRE ON M*A*S*H
W.C. FIELDS
W.C. FIELDS
WAYNE ROGERS (LEFT) "TRAPPER JOHN" MCENTIRE ALAN ALDA "HAWKEYE" PIERCE ON M*A*S*H
WAYNE ROGERS (LEFT) "TRAPPER JOHN" MCENTIRE ALAN ALDA "HAWKEYE" PIERCE ON M*A*S*H
DEAN MARTIN
DEAN MARTIN

iDo not argue the “alcohol’s affects are due to what condition our metabolism is in,” argument. I have heard this debate from other drinkers “back in the day.”

So with some diligent-research and digging, I have compiled a highly-important list, and it’s just in time for the holidays . . .

“Ways to Know When Drunk is Really Drunk?”

You are really drunk

  • when you answer to the name, “Barbara,” when you are obviously a male.
  • when you try to hit on the lamp in the corner of the living room.
  • when you do your best to ride the party host’s St. Bernard and trying to stay on him eight seconds.
  • when you buy the clothes from a “Dr. Taylor,” who was invited to this wild party.
  • when you try to get a good ol’ boy who is also at the party, shoot a banana off of your head.
  • when you climb to the roof of your host’s double-wide and yell, “Up! Up! And Away! I am Superman!” And try to fly.
  • when you try to eat the artificial fruit out of the center-piece on the dining room table.
  • when you have forgotten how many shots you have had in the half-hour you have been at this party.
  • when your friends at this, or any party, nick-name you, “Scott, the Slosh.”
  • when two fifth’s of whiskey are standard equipment when you go out of town on a business trip.
  • when you return from that same business trip and do not remember landing a big account.
  • when your very breath could melt a plastic figurine your wife has sitting on the mantel above the fireplace.
  • when you do not need starter-fluid to start a fire in the fireplace, you simply breathe on the wood.
  • when driving and drinking doesn’t interest you, but jumping atop a moving freight train does.
  • when the host’s kids hope you will pass-out soon so they can build a bridge over your back with Lego’s.
  • when a party guest steps outside to get some air and spies a poisonous snake and you try to dance with it.
  • when “you” are advising people to not drive and drink.
  • when you finally look into the mirror and break-down crying thinking you have met your long, lost brother.
  • When you choose boozing over an award-winning hub like this one.

Coming in the near future . . .”Great Things People Say When They Are Late”

Gag or really drunk?

More by this Author


Comments 16 comments

kislanyk profile image

kislanyk 2 years ago from Cyprus

I am not a drinker - at most a glass of red wine during weekend with my lunch. I definitely see a change in myself when I drink even a full glass - I'm tipsy, more talkative, my personality is changing. And I don't like it. So I keep my drinking to minimum. Sadly so many others can't.


LisaRoppolo profile image

LisaRoppolo 2 years ago from Joliet, IL

I'm more of a social drinker. I hate drinking for the sake of getting drunk. I'm 40 now and I know people who still cannot control their drinking and then complain the next day about how hung over they are. Also wanted to add, you might have a drinking problem if you get drunk and repeatedly wake up with no pants on. lol


MizBejabbers profile image

MizBejabbers 2 years ago

I've been around too many drunks to want to be a drinker. A couple of margaritas a year are my limit.

You know you've drunk too much when, like my ex-husband, you show a group of teenage boys you can put out a cigarette in your palm, and then the next morning wonder how you burned your hand.

Good one, Ken!


sheilamyers 2 years ago

You got that right! Every one of these are signs you're really drunk. Whew! Nothing I ever did while drinking was on your list. The worst I've ever been (and only once because it taught me the lesson) was when everything was cool until every time I closed my eyes to try to sleep the room would spin. Eyes open = good. Eyes closed = the earth rotating at the speed of light.


Abby Campbell profile image

Abby Campbell 2 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

Boy! I'm so glad I gave up drinking long time ago, or my name could have been listed many times on that long list of yours, Ken. :-) I so enjoy your writing. You make me laugh, and I look forward to reading more... especially when I need a break or am down in the dumps. Have a wonderful day, my wonderful new friend.


grand old lady profile image

grand old lady 2 years ago from Philippines

Well Kenneth Avery, I knew this was going to be funny. But I learned something, too. You see, I easily get drunk, there is no in-between. On half a beer. So, I don't drink, so it was interesting to learn that there are degrees where drinking turns to being drunk. Just saying.


vkwok profile image

vkwok 2 years ago from Hawaii

I've never drank alcohol, unless you count prescription cold medicine, and I have no intention of drinking in the future, however, your article really lit my mind.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

vkwok,

Great! You should be an inspiration to all who are thinking about drinking to get drunk.

Stay sober and grow wiser is my motto.

Drop by again. Anytime you like.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

The Grand Old Lady (Who is still NOT old)

I admire you for confessing, or sharing, about your low-tolerance to booze. That took nerve. And I respect that a lot.

Thanks for your comment. I appreciate you very much.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Abby,

I am proud of you too! I have see what alcohol can do for ME and it wasn't pretty. I guess if I had of used moderation, things might have been different.

But I didn't.

Lesson WELL-learned.

Hey, Abby. I appreciate you so much. You are a great friend.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear kislanyk,

You are a good girl. It's best for me, to just sit on the sidelines and watch others make the same errors you did. And help those who will listen.

Thanks, dear friend, for your sweet comment. Come back often.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Sweet Lisa,

Thanks so much for the hilarious comment--and the tip at the bottom, which is a fantastic tip. If you get drunk often and wake up with your pants off . . .odds are you are broke and hung-over.

I loved it.

Visit with me often.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

MizBeJabbers,

That should have taught me not to overdo booze, but being a hard-headed guy, I thought I could handle it. I couldn't. I even found out that life is much more interesting sober.

I love the part of your comment that said your husband would wake up and wonder how he burned his palm.

Sounds so familiar.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, sheilamyers,

You are a wise girl. Only once. Wow. If I had a dollar for each time my room spinned, I wouldn't be here typing. I would take you and my followers on a two-month cruise.

I admire you, Sheila.


Elsie Hagley profile image

Elsie Hagley 2 years ago from New Zealand

Great hub. Plenty of food for thought here.

My husband and I are not drinkers but we always have a glass of red wine with our tea every night.

We are both in our seventies and running a large beef farm on our own 161 hectares and both very healthy.

So having a drink every day is not all bad, most just need to control how much they drink.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Elsie,

How true you are in the taking one drink of wine with your meal or tea. It boils down to how much a person consumes and then what they do with it.

Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

I wish for you a peaceful and safe week.

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working