Just When is Drunk Really Drunk?
Vintage ad for Black Label Beer
This is not a story about alcoholism. I’ve already done that with a piece entitled, “Places You Never Take a Drink or Show-up Drunk,” and in that hub, I did speak a bit about the dangers of alcohol-addiction.
Then after that story was published, I had this uneasy feeling in my gut as I guessed it to be a sign that I was not finished with the subject of drinking.
Drinking has two personalities. Actually, three. You already know the dark side of drinking: Helpless addiction. But did you ever stop to consider that “tipsy,” and “dog-drunk,” are also the other two personalities of drinking? If you didn’t, then you now realize just how subtle alcohol can be.
Passed out on a beach: Drunk or Really Drunk?
Passed out or napping?
Alcohol is not just a distilled or brewed substance or liquid. Alcohol is a live, breathing, organism that expects respect from us that have “played with its fire,” and were burned. Alcohol plays the fool many times when we put it down our throats. I know. There were times when I was guzzling one brew after the other, partying like there was no sunrise and after the party was over, I was as sober as I am now. Thus, alcohol suffers sometimes from a personality disorder. In my case, alcohol didn’t know it could have made me intoxicated and unable to walk, talk, or speak.
With these newly-discovered facts, I must propose that there are degrees of drinking and degrees of drunkedness. It stands to reason because there was another time when four, 12-ounce beers got me so ripped that I just looked for a good safe place to sleep.
Vintage ad for Corby's liquor
Celebrities known for excessive drinking in film and on television
iDo not argue the “alcohol’s affects are due to what condition our metabolism is in,” argument. I have heard this debate from other drinkers “back in the day.”
So with some diligent-research and digging, I have compiled a highly-important list, and it’s just in time for the holidays . . .
“Ways to Know When Drunk is Really Drunk?”
You are really drunk
- when you answer to the name, “Barbara,” when you are obviously a male.
- when you try to hit on the lamp in the corner of the living room.
- when you do your best to ride the party host’s St. Bernard and trying to stay on him eight seconds.
- when you buy the clothes from a “Dr. Taylor,” who was invited to this wild party.
- when you try to get a good ol’ boy who is also at the party, shoot a banana off of your head.
- when you climb to the roof of your host’s double-wide and yell, “Up! Up! And Away! I am Superman!” And try to fly.
- when you try to eat the artificial fruit out of the center-piece on the dining room table.
- when you have forgotten how many shots you have had in the half-hour you have been at this party.
- when your friends at this, or any party, nick-name you, “Scott, the Slosh.”
- when two fifth’s of whiskey are standard equipment when you go out of town on a business trip.
- when you return from that same business trip and do not remember landing a big account.
- when your very breath could melt a plastic figurine your wife has sitting on the mantel above the fireplace.
- when you do not need starter-fluid to start a fire in the fireplace, you simply breathe on the wood.
- when driving and drinking doesn’t interest you, but jumping atop a moving freight train does.
- when the host’s kids hope you will pass-out soon so they can build a bridge over your back with Lego’s.
- when a party guest steps outside to get some air and spies a poisonous snake and you try to dance with it.
- when “you” are advising people to not drive and drink.
- when you finally look into the mirror and break-down crying thinking you have met your long, lost brother.
- When you choose boozing over an award-winning hub like this one.
Coming in the near future . . .”Great Things People Say When They Are Late”
Gag or really drunk?
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