The Shamefully-Incorrect Ways That We Have Eaten Doughnuts

Before I begin, a warm shout-out to: Breakfastpop; Minnetonka Twin; Catgypsy; Bobbi Purvis; word55; mary615; Jodah and all of my cherished-followers, even my new followers, who (like me), love doughnuts. This is not an endorsement of Krispy Kreme, Dunkin' or any national or privately-owned doughnut shop. This is merely a study of the doughnut. Thanks, Kenneth.

Before I begin, let me debunk a few long-standing myths about doughnuts. Thanks for your patience.

• "Donuts," is the incorrect spelling of "doughnuts."
• Doughnuts will not make you more intelligent, charming, or popular.
• Eating doughnuts is only cool in a crowd if you know how to master the icing.
• If you bring a box of doughnuts instead of pretty flowers to a girl on your first date, she will instantly think you have an eating problem.
• It is not illegal to eat one or several doughnuts on the White House grounds.

To me, the lowly doughnut is easily considered "God's perfect food," not the banana. And for this opinion, I apologize to all those who choose to eat a banana first thing in the morning instead of a fresh, hot, jelly-filled doughnut just begging for you to eat it before you head to work.

Today's United States Army soldiers and Marine Corps are referred to as "dough boys," but the evolution of The doughnut was given to the brave soldiers of World War I and according to reliable sources, the often cited explanation is that the term "dough boy" first came about during the Mexican-American War, after observers noticed U.S. infantry forces were always covered with chalky dust from marching through the dry terrain of northern Mexico, giving the men the appearance of unbaked "Dough."

But yet, for a food to be so patriotic and popular, I do not see that many doughnut commercials when I watch television. And this, I hate. Negligence like this makes me ashamed to be an American at times.

The accepted way

to eat a doughnut

is to either quickly-dunk or not dunk your doughnut into your coffee, take a quick bite, then wipe your mouth with a napkin while chewing slowly and listening to others while they are talking. No muss. No fuss.

Now aren't you glad that you read this lecture on doughnuts?

The doughnut needs to be promoted, advertised, talked about in all of society's circles--from socialite Paris Hilton being photographed walking the Red Carpet eating a grape jelly-filled doughnut (allowing the jelly filling to crawl down her chin) to an average college student "running like the wind" to the corner doughnut shop to grab a few fresh doughnuts to munch before his or her next class. CLARIFICATION: this college student was not a user of "weed." I just wanted to make sure that you didn't draw the foolish conclusion that I think all college students use that dangerous drug.

My dear, true, blue Americans, it is now time for us to stand together as one, stop all of our bickering about such trivial matters as the photo of a dress on Facebook being purple, blue or white. Come on, people. We need to hold the doughnut high in our vision of respect. It deserves all of our admiration.

Awww, just look. I went off-track and had to stop just when I was getting hot. The name of this hub is entitled . . .

The Shamefully-Incorrect Ways We Have Eaten Doughnuts

The Hungry Wolf Technique -- is normally used by those who DO smoke "weed" with friends at a wild party and then get something called the "mumchies." These 'stoners' run wild into any store that sells this tasty creation, the doughnut, and eats them by the handful long before they pay for them. This technique is wrong. Also vulgar and a disgrace to humanity and the doughnut itself.

The Diva Doughnut Eater -- is so sexy and fun to watch when she just has to have a doughnut to satisfy her hunger. But the Diva Doughnut Eater will only eat a doughnut if she thinks that her crew of female admirers are not watching her. Her little hands with professionally-styled nails shake with nervous anticipation as the doughnut nears her pouty red lips. Suddenly she hears a "Whattts up?" And thinks one of her friends has spotted her. Now the doughnut in her pretty hand is now smeared on her perfect skin and the sugary-icing is sticking into her clean pores.

The Non-Disciplined Doughnut Diner -- mostly guys, will devour a half of a doughnut without realizing that he is in public. No wonder this type of doughnut lover is many times shunned by people, even his good friends for fear that strangers will draw the same conclusion about them.

The Insecure, Needing Validation Doughnut Eater -- again, mostly guys, will do this shameful act of eating a delicious doughnut all at one time. You got it. He will wait for just the right moment and then cram the entire doughnut into his mouth so those around him will say, "Gee, Tom. We never knew that you could do such a rare thing." And he does this over and over until he feels accepted.

The Over-Dunking Doughnut Consumer -- is a cool man or woman, but when he or she dunks his doughnut into his cup of hot coffee, he or she gets distracted. He or she needs to do a "quickie dunk" and then take a quick bite so the coffee will not drip and his or her doughnut will not come apart like a stress-driven Woody Allen while producing a Broadway play.

Icing-Licking Doughnut Eaters -- are mostly hot girls who actually think they were made for porno films. All they do is pick up their doughnut when they are alone or with friends and make a spectacle of how their tongue can go up and down the doughnut securing the tasty icing and letting it melt in their mouths, but these girls do not know that a few times is entertaining, but every time gets a bit old.

Clumsy Doughnut Lovers -- are not bad people at heart. They just do not have a finely-tuned sense of eye-to-mouth coordination. And when eating a doughnut, they miss their mouth six times out of nine causing an embarassing mess on their shirts or blouses and turn red in the face while friends and others laugh at them without apology.

The Silverware Stylists -- are not setting any new trends in eating their fresh doughnuts with a fork and knife. The doughnut was made to be eaten with the bare hand. And while I am on this item, and not with a few napkins wrapped around it either. The doughnut is not ashamed of itself, so why insult its heritage by using silverware?

The Doughnut Nibbler Society -- needs to be disbanded immediately. Who nibbles at a doughnut besides a common rat who dwells behind dumpsters and underneath your sink? No one. I do not know if its fear or shame that causes these people to take the smallest of bites so that they will not be accused of gorging. A moderate-sized bite is socially-acceptable. Not a nibble which is mostly viewed as being out of place.

The Eat Only Half -- a doughnut eater needs to be scolded by the spirit of Amy Vanderbilt, America's expert on manners. Only a person craving attention will leave half a tasty doughnut on their plate. I can also guess that people of this description are praying that those around them will think, "I can see why they never gain weight."

What an open shame for our good and loyal friend, the doughnut.

And a personal note: Here's to you, the wonderful ally of America: The Total-Patriot, the doughnut.