How to Heal After You've Been Cheated On

How to heal after you have been cheated on

How to heal after you have been cheated on? There are several stages in every experiences specially bad or traumatic experiences like the experience of having been cheated upon. According to psychologists the first stage is the denial stage where you cant accept and you are in a stage of disbelief.

Then you start to panic, don’t know what to do stage, feeling of anxiety is common, then you grief there is a feeling of losing something, you are in a world where there is misery you keep on crying and you don’t have motivation to do anything, cannot eat, cannot do task or go to work. Then you have guilt, you blame yourself. I think this stage is good because you start to evaluate things, what went wrong etc.

During this time, you need to be around people who really care about you, sometimes you feel depressed, and then next stage is anger, you are angry at the world at yourself or your partner who cheated on you.

But what the heck? We all need to move on whether we choose to be with the cheating partner or moving alone, it is a choice for us to make. Life is not perfect anyway, as long as you tried your best, you don’t need to blame yourself. We cant hold our partners feelings and we are responsible with our own action, not theirs.

Life is a learning process and we don’t need to dwell on it. When its time to move on, we gather our senses and we take the experience as a lesson in life, and we laugh at it. Sometimes this is better said than done, but still we just have to forget about what happened. Sometimes also, time heals all the wounds they say, but for others it takes time. We are really the one who can make our agony shorter. Next time around, we become really wiser.

Healing after an affair

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Acceptance

Acceptance is hard but you have to move on. You are not the only victim of a cheating partner. Infidelity is the leading cause of divorce in the western world. As I have said as long as you did your best, then it is not your fault anymore, even if a relationship is perfect, other people still cheat, reasons maybe varied. Why is it easier to accept? because if you cant accept that it happens to you, it will just be forever in your mind and it will destroy you physically and emotionally eventually. Even the most beautiful people in the world have been cheated upon. Men and women are just born insatiable, they always look for greener pasture or just sometimes they just don’t know what they are looking for.

Full forgiveness without always reminding them of what they did

You ask yourself, Can I forgive him/her? Cheating is never justified, yes it can put strain in a relationship, sometimes you can never recover anymore, but once you forgave the person who did that to you, there is no turning back and you have to move forward not constantly reminding them of what they did. It gives you peace of mind when you forgive them. It is easier for you to forgive because it will help you in the healing process. The key here is to love yourself, don’t be hard on yourself. It can happen to anybody. Depending on your partner, he/she can help you heal.

Moving on

Once you accept the apology of your partner, moving on is a must, if you cant forget and forgive then you must also move on and be ready to face the consequences. It will take time, maybe even faster but everybody needs to move on. It is a process in a thing called life. Things are not always what we expect it to be, so happy are those who haven’t experience it, otherwise you should live by it. We can emerge a better person after all what we have been through.

Continuously working on it

For some, they do counseling, willingness to change for both you and the partner. Some men have difficulty with counseling, it comes with the concept that they are seeking help. There is a tendency for men to think that they can do it on their own, all emotions are bottled up inside of them, and they are not ready to share whatever is in their hearts and mind, and to talk it with somebody else. It is a sign of weakness for them, this is what the expectation of the society, and that’s the way they were raised. But they should come out of that, you need to help each other.

Once you decided to move on anyway, there is always the objective of moving forward and consistency on your part and your partner.

Since your partner committed an act of infidelity he she must support you in the healing process. The objective is moving away from the experience and always emerging as a better person. Take this as a lesson and one stage in life.

Surround yourself with happy people and activities

Better be surrounded with people who support and care for you while you are on denial stage, then finally acceptance the realization that you need to move forward and you cant be bitter forever. Choose people who have positive attitudes during these times. Watch movies or television which makes you laugh. Engage in happy activities.

Relax, rest, eat nutritious and balanced food

This is obvious in order for you to remain healthy, even if you are feeling depressed or sad, just take time to take care of yourself. Have some good sleep, and eat nutritious foods. Avoid cigarette smoking, alcohol intake because it will add up to depression.

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Comments 212 comments

stricktlydating profile image

stricktlydating 6 years ago from Australia

Hi prettydarkhorse, great tips, thanks!


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US Author

stricklydating: thanks for reading this hub...what are you up to now, read some of your hubs about dating,,they are well written..


Poppa Blues 6 years ago

Very good! Yes indeed your descriptions are classic and match my experiences and the lessons I learned perfectly!


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US Author

hmmm, Hi POPPA, classic hmmmm,,,you got it right, thanks for dropping by..and yes I have been cheated on also thrice, but here I am, I still believe that there are people who will respect and love me at the same time...


Colay 6 years ago

I was cheated on by my man who I have been with for 12 years. We had planned to have a baby and I was four months pregnant when it happened. Everything started to come out the day before I went into the hospital. I still wonder to this day why it started to come out the day before I was going to deliver.

He and I have done all purging of all the details. He stated that it had nothing to do with our relationship and he doesn't understand why he did. He said that he put himself in a position he should not have.

It has been over two months since this all came out. It has gotten better. I believe in my heart that he truly loves me and I do not think I will ever understand why this is happened and maybe it is not for me to understand.

I hate that this has been marked with the birth of my son. That makes it even harder. He has poured out all his feelings to me and feels that his days are number with me. All I can do is take it day to day and I did tell him that if I get to the point to where I cannot do this, then him and I will be having that discussion. As for now, I cannot predict the future.

It has been hell, but it is slowly getting a little better. I can hold his hand and sleep next to him at night without wanting to put a pillow over his face. He tries to remind me every day why I fell in love with him in the first place.

To be continued....


Colay 6 years ago

I meant to say, that I have bookmarked this page for when I am having a bad day and to remind me of what I need to continue to do.

Thank you


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US Author

hi Colay, it happened to me before and it still hurts at times, I just try to forget it and moved on for my chidlren too. Brave girl, you are beautiful and think about your child, she needs you to be brave. I know that things will be sorted out for you. i wish you the best and hope I can hug you, feel free to leave a note..


Colay 6 years ago

Love and support is what I know I need right now. You wish someone could just make the decision for you, but I think things out before I make decisions. The only person other than your page that knows is one of my older sisters. I wanted good clear conscious support and not my entire family to know because I wanted to make the decision myself in the end and not have them make it for me.

I do not know you, but it felt good to let it out.

Thank you again...


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US Author

hi Colay, I can really feel what you are undergoing through, you are doing the right thing, but I would recommend you talk to a trusted friend and your sister and tell all, everything, let it out, cry it out...just think that it happens to everybody, I have been cheated on thrice and I know that it is really hard..

You eat well, force yourself and be busy so that you don't need to dwell on it, don't blame yourself ok,,,,

keep your head up always...

Maita


carolina muscle profile image

carolina muscle 6 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

Interesting read. Thanks!


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US Author

hi! thanks for dropping by!


Disturbia profile image

Disturbia 6 years ago

Great hub! Thanks!


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US Author

hi disturbia, thnaks for dropping by and reading this one, hope you learn from it, goo day to you!


Niteriter profile image

Niteriter 6 years ago from Canada

My eyes are blurred... I cannot see... I am all alone... I don't know if I can go on...

Oh, wait a minute. I just wiped my glasses, I can see better now. And Wifey-Poo is sleeping peacefully upstairs while I work down here in my basement office. I'm pretty sure I can keep going... everything's okay.

Thanks for helping me through the trauma, Maita. You are such a beautiful soul!


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US Author

Hey nite, how are you, are you ok? I hope you are ok it is cold and I think your gf left you and cheated on you? Oh time can definitely heal it Nite, It is sad but its reality, they say our hearts might be broken but it just keeps on breathing just the same, One day she will come and you shall have fogotten the other one, Hehe, Thanks, Maita


trying to find forgiveness 6 years ago

I've been through a traumatic experience the pain is always there,15years ago I was cheated on by my husband of 25yrs he had a 1yr affair just last year we had a bad argument he called the past back into the present I'm living with a lot of hurt he wants to move on I'm stuck he dug up old bones and I feel humiliated and betrayed I cannot trust him caught him in several lies wish I could forget the scars are so deep he says he's sorry he wants to try to move on all my love feels lost I m here we have children donot know if I will trust again.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US Author

Hi trying to find forgiveness, You are a beautiful woman inside and out and yes everybody of us needs to move on, slowly by slowly, it is hard to forgive, but the more you forgive, the more you let go,

Take care and HUGS and feel free to reply, Maita


Astra Nomik profile image

Astra Nomik 6 years ago from Edge of Reality and Known Space

This is a great hub, although it's mainly Cassy who has been on the receiving end of this "having been cheated on" thing. I have been dumped but never cheated on myself. Rating this with the Facebook button too! :D


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US Author

Hi Astra, good you visited my hub again, Thanks for the FB and take care, Maita


Raquel 6 years ago

Wow... this actually does help me realize that what I'm going through isn't something out of "normal". For the past week, since I found out my partner of 4 years had been cheating on me for most of our relationship with his best girl-friend, I have come to notice a sudden drop of my weight having to do with me not eating. My family & friends are worried b/c they think I purposely haven't eaten, but it's honestly b/c I simply have not thought about food and would much rather stay in bed.

It's weird, I know I shouldn't be so sad since afterall, he cheated, yet I can't help just breaking down in tears at times. Not until today, did I begin to wonder if it had been something I had done to push him to cheat.

Though I'm still hurting, it does bring me somewhat of a relief to know that eventually I will move on in these steps and that there will be a day in which I won't think about him and will actually 'move on'.

Thank you for posting this.


Very hurt 5 years ago

I know of many breakups but never once believe it would happened to me. Just breakdown on the 24/02. The whole world collapse on me. The constant question of How, Why, When and revenge keep plugging me. I cry every night and have sleepless night and both of them slept so well. Must make them pay for it.But hubby says it happens and now he is back with me, he chose me! Why is it that he always make the decision and not me. Why he is always in control and not consider my feelings whether I want him back. Why he is still so protective over her and wants time to heal for them, yet he wants me back. SO Sad, SO Sad, loneliness is all i get.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Very hurt, I understand what you are going through. If he always do this to you, think about yourself, it is not you who is the problem. Always love yourself first and time to really reflect and take a stand fr yourself. Think about your future.


Very hurt 5 years ago

I think one time too many. WE have been communicating what went wrong. And we realised that we have not been talking for a very long time.Assumption is what we have for each other. He thought that I am a super woman and he just need to bring in the bacon.

I think I am doing him a favour by letting him concentrate on his work and reach new height in his career. ( The woman behind every successful man)But you were right, I have neglected myself along the way. But when I suggest coming out to work, he is not in favour b/c i have done a great job at home taking care of my 2 kids.My children are still young.

Another thing is that he is not willing to face the consequences with his parents. He wants us to work things out first then later part let his parents know what's wrong he has done. Do u think a person will go back to open this wound? I guess if he is going to keep quiet @ the whole thing other then ourselves, I think the healing can't start with this hidding.Still SAD but now I know someone is sharing it with me. Thanks, hope i am not a baggage to you


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Very hurt, of course you are not a baggage to me. Communication is good so that you will understand each other. if he doesn't want to open this to his parents then respect it, the most important thing is that you are talking about it and I guess more open conversation is at placed now.

Are you happy supporting him, because if not then there is a problem. if you don't have any issues with him working and you support him all the way, then that is good (as long as you are happy with what you are doing). You can also widen your own horizon, have some friends, why not try writing online. You can join this site if you like to write.

I think that men like it when you tell them in straightforward way what you really want and then you can compromise both. Congrats to being a good mom and a husband supporter.

Work on it and be brave, things may not turned out the way you liked it to be, but still you are back together and are talking now.

I hope you resolved your predicament and feel free to come here to share. Take care..


VEry hurt 5 years ago

Thanks pretty dark horse even though we are miles apart. It has been 7 days since the discovery of the affair. I don't know why I still feel so pain. Time heals right. Yesterday while having lunch with son, he was asking me do I feel better today. I was shock "I ask why"? He said you look sick the past few days. I say "I am fine now." And he says now you can make me my jacket potato today. After lunch we have to pick up my daughter, we were late half an hour due to traffic jams. When she got up the car, she was crying hysterically, all the way home. My son says, "mom pick you up already and you are still crying. So baby."

I think they can feel it, even though all these while i put on a brave front in front of them.Behave normally and everything as schedule.

I also went to see a friend working as a family counsellor and she lets me pour out. She says she will introduce a marriage counsellor for me and whether my husband is willing to go.

Going back to what you say, respect my husband decision @ not telling his parents. Won't that let him off too easily. If he has respected me, HE WOULD NOT HAVE DONE IT, and kept this affair till i discover. He also told me he don't have any intention to let me know. But somehow GOD is fair. He is in the mist of changing job and the next one might require him to travel out for 2 weeks and 2 weeks in. I guess if he don't truly see his mistake, there will be another and another.....So a ticking time bomb. I just feel that if he has been shame this once, he will be hurt too and should never let himself into another one again. IF not, who knows what he is thinking right now.Maybe he might think I am a push-over.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Hi Very hurt, I can understand what you are undergoing. Been there and I know that you can help yourself heal, but don't force it, just take it one day at a time. Since it is still very fresh, it will hurt yes, and little things can trigger it. Be brave, you will really need it. I just want to hug you and I want to tell you that this happen to most of us, both for men and women. There is hope and remember to think of your welfare because your children depends on your strength and love. Things always get better, my dear.

About his parents, just let it go, he will talk to them in due time about it. Concentrate on your well being (eat), your children and maintain your good looks, understand why it happened and go for the counseling (both of you should be ideal).

Don't think of the things that may happen if he sworks out of town for two weeks etc, but be on the look out if things happen again. It may or not may not happen again but don't be scared, ok. You can't have a hold of what your partner does, no matter what you do. But you can take care of yourself and be the best.

Again, take care and eat ok,


How long??? 5 years ago

How long does each stage take, because I feel I can't overlook what he has done though I told him I forgave him. When I feel the hurt of what he has done I tell him about it.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

hi how long?, Don't always remind him of what he did, this will cause a conflict. One thing for sure, we may not forget what others did to us (specially about infidelity), even though we forgive them. I don't now how long it will take for the different stages, but it is only you who can do something about it, remind yourself that these things happen to anybody and he is not perfect. Until now I haven't forgotten what my ex hubby did to me, even though we are not together anymore.


very hurt 5 years ago

finally manage to get a counsellor to see us. Hope it will turn out well. I am both excited and scare about the whole thing. What to say in front of the counsellor, what to expect from. HOw forward should I be, or put on a mask? I am the one arrangeing all these and he,sigh...

What do i look for and wish to get out from these counselling? Am I prepared for the worst. He has been very sweet to me since the last time I wrote here. Should I face up to reality and not blinded by all the effort he has done.Come to think of it, he has not done much but spending time with me...maybe i should be satisfy.After all it is all these lost time that we are finding back. But something is still missing? WHat????

Pretty dark horse, i enjoyed reading back the things i have wrote.Thanks


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Very hurt, I am glad he is treating you nicely, hang in there and continue with counseling. As long as you will share what is in your mind to the counselor with all frankness and you should be clear about your expectations, plus you also need to do your part then you will do good in time. Know that both of you need to work together and you need to understand him more and try not to dwell on the past. Take care and tell me what is happening!


ltstajul profile image

ltstajul 5 years ago from gazipur

This is a great hub, although it's mainly Cassy who has been on the receiving end of this "having been cheated on" thing. I have been dumped but never cheated on myself.


Ed 5 years ago

Im 26 I've been cheated on after nine and a half years by my girlfriend who I have two daughters with. We'd always rented and really want to buy a house, I could afford to run a household just didn't have a deposit so I decided to double shift for one whole year. I was doing ten shifts in five days and going all week on about five hours sleep a day. The arguments started when she wasn't letting me sleep during the weekends to recharge saying I wasn't giving her any attention and that I was moody. I probably was a bit moody but it was only due to total exhaustion. All of a sudden she breaks up with me she goes so cold so quick that I suspect a new man is on the scene but she denies it, just five weeks later while I'm playing golf with a work pall I receive a text saying she's met someone and she's telling me cause she wants to introduce him to our daughters. Obviously I didn't take kindly to. Yo cut a very long story short I find out that she had indeed been at least lining him up to move onto. I've recently found out through my eldest daughter that this new guy is quite ugly (and fat) but is quite rich. It's mad me feel totally worthless I'm told that I'm a good looking guy but I have no confidence now and really struggle to stay enthused. The only time I feel happy at the moment is when I have my daughters which is every weekend at the moment. Something I find strange is that I call my daughters everyday yet when I have them my ex won't call to speak to them.


Ed 5 years ago

Im 26 I've been cheated on after nine and a half years by my girlfriend who I have two daughters with. We'd always rented and really want to buy a house, I could afford to run a household just didn't have a deposit so I decided to double shift for one whole year. I was doing ten shifts in five days and going all week on about five hours sleep a day. The arguments started when she wasn't letting me sleep during the weekends to recharge saying I wasn't giving her any attention and that I was moody. I probably was a bit moody but it was only due to total exhaustion. All of a sudden she breaks up with me she goes so cold so quick that I suspect a new man is on the scene but she denies it, just five weeks later while I'm playing golf with a work pall I receive a text saying she's met someone and she's telling me cause she wants to introduce him to our daughters. Obviously I didn't take kindly to. Yo cut a very long story short I find out that she had indeed been at least lining him up to move onto. I've recently found out through my eldest daughter that this new guy is quite ugly (and fat) but is quite rich. It's mad me feel totally worthless I'm told that I'm a good looking guy but I have no confidence now and really struggle to stay enthused. The only time I feel happy at the moment is when I have my daughters which is every weekend at the moment. Something I find strange is that I call my daughters everyday yet when I have them my ex won't call to speak to them.


Ed 5 years ago

Im 26 I've been cheated on after nine and a half years by my girlfriend who I have two daughters with. We'd always rented and really want to buy a house, I could afford to run a household just didn't have a deposit so I decided to double shift for one whole year. I was doing ten shifts in five days and going all week on about five hours sleep a day. The arguments started when she wasn't letting me sleep during the weekends to recharge saying I wasn't giving her any attention and that I was moody. I probably was a bit moody but it was only due to total exhaustion. All of a sudden she breaks up with me she goes so cold so quick that I suspect a new man is on the scene but she denies it, just five weeks later while I'm playing golf with a work pall I receive a text saying she's met someone and she's telling me cause she wants to introduce him to our daughters. Obviously I didn't take kindly to. Yo cut a very long story short I find out that she had indeed been at least lining him up to move onto. I've recently found out through my eldest daughter that this new guy is quite ugly (and fat) but is quite rich. It's mad me feel totally worthless I'm told that I'm a good looking guy but I have no confidence now and really struggle to stay enthused. The only time I feel happy at the moment is when I have my daughters which is every weekend at the moment. Something I find strange is that I call my daughters everyday yet when I have them my ex won't call to speak to them.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Hi Ed, She was definitely wrong there, in that your relationship is not yet over and she was seeing another man already. Surely your schedule took a toll on your relationship. How old are your children, I presume they are still below nine years old? The reason I ask is that, she should have found some part time job so that she was not bored. Did you ever talked about it. Perhaps, your problems didn't just sprout out, maybe she was already feeling left out and you not having time to be with her, made it worst.

Don't feel worthless, this thing happens to everybody, it is not about looks, but as a woman, sometimes we need to feel that you are paying attention to us. Having a work that demands long hours can have negative effect on the relationship, although she could have been more upfront. Did she really say that it is about money or a house. Perhaps it is just about making time for each other. We all learn a lesson, very hard lessons.

I really hope you can recover soonest.

Regarding your children, she is with them already most of the time, so perhaps she is giving you time with them without her checking or calling them.

Regards and take care!!


Ed 5 years ago

My daughters are 7 and 3. No she never said it was about the money but always expressed that she didn't want to rent which is why I (mutually) agreed to do so much over time to try to save a deposit. With any argument we had she would never talk it over shed always go off round her mums ( who I never got on with cause I caught her cheating on her husband my partners dad, and I was very close to him so I really told her off) I

Think her mum always slagged me off to her. With regards to her new fella he really isn't her type and when I saw a picture I was really surprised and instantly thought that there must be something else about him.


Ed 5 years ago

Ps thank you prettydarkhorse it really helps to get this off my chest. This is the first time I've chatted about it. I have a tendency of closing up and suffering in silence.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Hi Ed, there must be something else about you, because if he is not her type and you are more good looking then you're right it is something else.

I see you had some issue with her mom, that's tough for both of you. Perhaps her mom is her confidante.

Know what, since you've opened up already it means that is the first sign of acceptance. They say that the best revenge is moving on, but of course you don't like revenge isn't it? after all, she is still the mother of your children.

I hope you find solace and have peace within yourself. Definitely, time flies and you will find another love, sooner than you think (but it is wisest to enjoy yourself and pursue any hobby) and you will be more stronger and wiser. Good luck, please feel free to drop here.

Take care! Maita


Ed 5 years ago

Thanks maita your a good soul to offer advise/help to a stranger in need. I wish you all the best.


mr kumbah profile image

mr kumbah 5 years ago

I can relate to this 100%m my ex cheated on me with her ex , I even caught them , but couldn't end it, she eventually did...by not bothering to text me anymore...unfortunatly for meshe lives 20ft away from me five doors down so I see her regular away , it was also the second time she had done this to me waiting 2 years to repeat her action telling me she was over her ex...NOT !!!

That ws two years ago, since then Ive met someone else, were away to Barbados in a few weeks,all is good.

I had been carrying a lot of unresolved anger around, ignoring my ex when I saw her, she just looked at the floor, but yesterday I decided to change that , I spoke to her said " Hi u ok ?", she replied "yes thanks" that's pretty much it, being angry and hating her for what she did and hating myself for trusting her ws not doing me any good, seeing her around wasn't helping either, they say theres worse things at sea, there probably is !

Like anything else , time heals all wounds, you finally get tired of carrying the anger , resentment and bitterness around, lesson learned ...again, no more chances now, once bitten twice shy, twice bitten, never too come again.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

You're welcome Ed..


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Mr Kumbah, I am happy for you, it feels good after? isn't it. This time it will be good for you with your newfound love. Any resentment prevent us form being the best that we can be. I am really glad for you!!!


Ed 5 years ago

I still have feelings for my ex despite what she done to me. I hate myself for that. Any tips on moving on emotionally. Every time I see her when I get my daughters my feelings for her re-surface and I can't bear to think of her with someone else. I'm not living to my full potential at the moment and can't seem to pull myself together. I know life goes on and all that but can't see a way out at the moment. Selfishly I've thought about suicide cause my pain out ways my capability to deal with it. The only thing that stopped me was the effect it would have on my girls. I have no confidence to meet someone else and I'm petrified that the one for me is in someone else's arms.


mr kumbah profile image

mr kumbah 5 years ago

Ed , I can honestly say this, hating her is a good thing, it means you are angry at her, when my ex dumped me the first time , I still loved her and wanted her, I was like a puppy dog, when she did it again, I hated her, resented her and hated myself for trusting her again, I was no longer loving her.

She lives 5 doors down from me, I saw her breifly as I came in from work, I just smiled, that was it.

Carrying the anger round is not a good thing, yeah it helps , but it stops you becoming whole again.

My girlfriend who I met one month after I split from my ex (yes I rebounded, but were still going strong !)said to me "don't hate her, just say you don't like what she,s done", hatred uses up too much energy , it also consumes you.

Its doubley hard when you see them regular and realise they've taken you for a fool, but hate her till you get fed up with it and till you say to yourself one day, "Im not that bothered what happens to her anymore....good or bad, in fact, when you befriend her and lets keep this real, I stayed friends with my ex the first time she dumped me because I still loved her, now im indifferent to her, friendship on any levelis something im bothered about, we have as far as im concerned an understanding, I have the same with my ex wife, an understanding, Ive been divorced 11 years from her,I wonder why I ever married her we have nothing in common except a son who is 20 and has flat of his own , having my ex wife as a friend would be pointless, like having my ex as a friend would ne pointless too , theres so many other people to be friends with, why have an ex as a friend, unless you still have a secret likeing for them , which I did the first time round, when I say befriend her, Im saying you are doing that for your benefit, not hers, as long as you realise YOU have an understanding and nothing more , who cares what she thinks ?

Time is a good healer, you will meet someone else who does care about you.

Those thoughts of suicide are something you should not be having, my ex wife has thoughts of suicide from time to time , since we split, she has suffered from depression, getting married again in a hurry etc , boyfriend after boyfriend, she wanted the split in the first place, she cheared on me lol, how glad I am of that now, like Im glad my ex dumped me too,I couldn't of done it, I was blinded by "love"...

If its any help , Im 46 soon and my girlfriend is 29,a stunning blue eyed blonde , with no children(she cant have them and Ive had the snip)we have a great time together, my ex girfreind was 8 years older than me and was still hung up on her ex , that made her miserable, I was dating a woman who didn't want me, it becomes so black and white after a while.

Hang in there Ed and try to remain "compos mente" , I wanted to punch my ex after what she did, Im glad I didn't, whovever she's with now is quite welcome to her, you,l be fine and you'l pull through, you have too, I hope this helps.


Ed 5 years ago

Thanks kumbah, the feelings of suicide were only temperay when I realised how selfish I was being feeling like that but still when I was with my ex I was so driven to better myself to provide the best life for my family I could. Now that it's a broken family I feel resentment and can't help but feel sorry and sad for my kids. It has definatly affected them. They

Are both proper little daddy's girls especially the youngest when I collect them they don't look back nor say goodby sometimes yet my ex has to peal them of my arms my heart breaks for them as well. Sounds like you've been through it though I guess, unfortunately we need to go through these things in order to learn how to deal with it. Thanks again.


mr kumbah profile image

mr kumbah 5 years ago

Lol, yes Ive been through it, when I split with my wife I could proportion some of the blame, I was quite headstrong , wanting to provide the best for my family, always working not really listening to her ,having the money and the best life brings, unfortunatly she didn't see it that way, she got bored of me always being at work, so she had an affair, I guess we both wanted different things, looking back why we ever married is beyond me, weve nothing in common, but I very rarely back at it now ,its 11 years ago.

My sons at the time were quite affected,they were 9 and 11, as soon as they were old enough they left home, they still see their mother , after all its their mum.

When I split with my girlfriend, I could proportion no blame, if anything I made life too easy for her, I was a walkover, she knew it, she saw me nothing more as a "close neighbour", that split both times hurt more than when My ex wife cheated, mainly because my ex girflriend seemed she couldn't care less.

You will find that sense of balance and see it in black and white,you may even realise yourself one day she has done you a huge favour, whether she regrets it or not then is down too her.

I think reading what you've wrote , in time you,l br thankfull for what she did, although you don't see it quite like that now.

I came here on Hub pages a year ago lookng for guidance advice etc,now Im glad that from time to time I can give it, take care.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Hi Ed, I hope you are feeling better, just let it out ok, everybody goes through that stage - feeling helpless, thinking what could have been. The truth is that it is over now, she is with another man, and think about it as an ending don't get hopes anymore that you will be together. if it turn that way, then it is is good.

Don't ever think of suicide, when you think of it, picture your two daughters, they are more than reason to live and have motivation to have a life, They love you and they will be hurt much more.

Just live your day everyday, sometimes any time of the day you remember what happened, just let it be, sit down or scream if you can, then always remember the children, then I hope you can smile afterwards. I know it hurts more than words can say, but like Mr Kumbah said, one day you will thank your ex for what she did!

and the morals of the story is that - when sh**t happens, it happens and don't ever let it crush you, you are better than that. Although I wish I could extend my hugs to you! here, (((((()))))), Maita

Take care you both, Maita

@Mr Kumbah, thanks for your time and sharing plus talking to Ed. I know you are both a gentlemen. I wish you joy with your ladylove!!


very hurt 5 years ago

Hi am back again. Counsellor is good and so are the session. The only thing is the follow up after these session. WE have realise how much we still care for each other but somehow still needs time to see things eye to eye. Our recent session 2 weeks ago was that if there is a chance meeting for him and her,a hi and bye would be most appropiate. No need any catching up to do. But somehow my stupid hubby still manage to chat up with her, although he says it is strictly business. Excuses... Even though he insist there is not hidden feelings between them. Bullshit, all bullshit, if I have been there, will there still be an opportunity. I am still trying very hard to forgive him. I know I have to let go and move on, but I don't have know how? I am hurting myself everyday, I keep telling myself think @ myself first, love myself, do what you like for yourself but I keep putting him in priority. Old habits died hard.Wanting to go on a solo trip but keep putting it off, I ask myself why? Keep giving myself excuses like no friend is free, too expensive, boring itiernary.Why,why, why, is it so hard to let go.YOu owe it to yourself.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Hi Very hurt, I know that it will hurt everytime you remember what happens. Plus your relationship will not move forward as long as he is not saying what he is really saying. Make it clear that you don't want him talking to that woman anymore, and if you don't trust him that yet, it is just normal and he should help you with getting the "trust" back.

I am glad however that you both found out you love each other and congratulations for the counseling. I Know you are still struggling with what happened but you should just concentrate on your children. Everytime you feel lonely think about them and you need to be a better person because of them, yourself and family. Actually if your hubby will cheat again, you can't do anything about it anymore, you can't watch over him 24 hours, if he will do it, he will do it again.

Do you have families or sister, you can leave the children to them on one day and have a date with your hubby or just go on your own (but you said it is difficult for you). Why not write here at HubPages, might help you. I find writing to be therapeutic.

I have been there Very Hurt and I know what you are feeling. I want to hug you and I know you can survive this. No matter what will happen just remember that you did your best. Take care, Maita


Ed 5 years ago

I haven't visited here for a while. I've been really low. I just can't seem to get over my ex and the thought of her with someone else is killing me inside. I am a shadow of the man I was. I used to be so driven and confident and focused and now I spend all day in bed. I really find it hard to motivate myself and sometimes dint even eat I've stopped working out and try to sleep as much as possible cause time passes quicker. The only time I feel alive now is the days I see my daughters. I do actuall feel that my ex killed me inside cause the man left over is completely different. I feel totally betrayed because the fact that she strayed cause I was working so much. I've hit rock bottom now so hopefully the only way is up. It has been a shock to me to learn to deal with depression as I never have before, these feelings are so forren to me.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

ED, am sorry you still feel that way, that is normal. The children are reason enough for you to be motivated. The truth is that she is with another man already and don't blame yourself for it. Just take it as a learning lesson in life. I know that is difficult. Try to get yourself busy and concentrate on other things. I know it is hard to do that, but force yourself to do it, as time passes by, you will heal.

Take care and give feedback here,


mr kumbah profile image

mr kumbah 5 years ago

Hi Ed , I carried on going to the gym and working out the first time my ex left me ,in fact the way she dumped me made me all the more focused to go , sometimes being angry at them is a good way to start to get over them , in fact, now I look 10x better than I did when I was with her , Ive put 2 stone on (24lbs) of muscle on and have a 29 year old blonde on my arm who tells me one of the reasons she's with me is because I look like Vin Diesel, lol ! Im 46 soon my ex is the wrong side of 50, smokes like a trooper and looks like a man in drag, she lives a few door down from me, trust me , she's done you a huge favour.

Mate if you lived here Id drag you down to the gym with me !


Confused 5 years ago

Im 29 and have been recently cheated on by my spouse of 2 1/2 years. This is not the first time he's done me wrong but rather the third. Each time of happened I was always forgiving and optimistic about moving forward and working on building our relationship. But not this time, I recently caught him and confronted him and the person he's cheating with a few weeks ago. and let me say that it wasn't easy, I felt so embarrassed because for the past 9 months he's been lying and cheating with her. I've always had my suspicions and confronted him but he always deny, deny! Well until proven guilty he fessed up. The reason why I'm hurting so much now is because I felt like I've invested so much into this relationship......his family and such. Not only he betrayed me but also his family. I felt so deceived by this person. The moment the truth came out I felt as if I have nothing else to live for, as if the whole world came tumbling down and crushed me. I am a very compassionate person overall and I don't take infidelities to easily because I don't find a reason why I deserved to be cheated on. I treat my partner with the upmost respect and never judged him even when I knew that he doesn't work and has bad addictions to drinking. I accepted him for who he is and never knew how destructive he would be to me. His family thinks the world of us being together and always praised how great of a person I was to him, yet he manages to go out and cheat on me. Its hard to obsorb what has happened and look pass this. Now I feel like I'm at a crossroad of moving on with or without him. People say you build trust....how and when....I already forgave him. I ran away and came back with a piece of mind. He tells me that he wants to make it right between us yet he's telling the other person another thing. I feel like he's leading us both on. How do I approach this to him or her? She obviously thinks that I'm away yet is certain that I'll be back. I hate this love triangle but I do love this man way too much to let go. I know it could be done where I could just be the better person and say I'm done......and this is why I say I'm confused. I'm lost...I just need clarity.....I can sit here all day and say how good of a person I am but I just feel that I wasn't good enough....


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Mr Kumbah, I appreciate that you are coming back here and looking after Ed.

I am happy you are doing well with your gf too! Good luck, and thanks!!


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Hi Confused, I know you are feeling low and devastated right now, but I want to tell you that you are a wonderful lady.

It seems to me that you need to love yourself now, you don't deserve to be hurt like that. If he keeps on lying and cheating, then I think it is time to move on.

It is hard, not an easy path, but it is the only way for you to see the lights. Trust me, it is hard in the beginning but it is worth it.

I want to hug you, and reassure you that things always get better but without him. He keeps on telling you that he will change but his actions tell otherwise. You've done a lot and that is not the way to live.

Keep your face up, cry if you must and just move on. Do you have children with him?

Take care!!


Ed 5 years ago

It was my birthday on the 17th and I didn't celebrate it I was at my lowest. But on the weekend my palls dragged me out and I had a propper good evening I pulled this lovely girl and have been talking since. I feel like a door had opened for me and in running through it. Your right mr kumbah she has definitely done me a favour. Not rushing into anything but this new girl is so much more my type. I'm working again and ice got my get up and go back. Onwards and upwards. Hey I'm re-joining the gym next week so here I come vin deisel LOL LOL. thanks for all the support it really helps to have these talks with people you don't know, if that makes any sence. I guess it's cause it iliminatrs imbaresment. Ta.


Ed 5 years ago

Hi confused. You sound like a caring person im 26 and I was cheated on after a 9.5 year relationship let it all out I recently visited this site and it helped me to no end. I felt like my life was over but sometimes you do need to fall to be able to pick yourself up again. There are some brilliant people out there who can offer advise and there is always someone right for you it's just sometimes you are misguided who it is. Putting your feelings on sites like this and talking to others will help it helped me and I'm ready to start my life again good luck with yours and I hope you find the answers your looking for.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Hi Ed, I am happy for you. Belated Happy Birthday!! seems the new woman you are talking to now is a promise. Now go to the gym, LOL.

Thank you for posting what happened to you here, and you can also come back here to share and enlighten some people!

Best of luck!!


Ed 5 years ago

Lol lol with reference to my last post I'm 27 now not 26. I'd like to say a big thanks to prety dark horse and mr kumbah you both really helped me get my head straight.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Hi Ed, Cheers, see I can feel you're a lot happier now.

Maita


Ed 5 years ago

I am indeed Maita I feel like I have my life back. I'm energetic again. It's official I'm seeing this new girl (Amy) and we really compliment each other. I'm really excited about my future and no longer have any hangups about my ex. I said before you have a good soul maita. Thanks for your help and thanks for listening.


Ed 5 years ago

I am indeed Maita I feel like I have my life back. I'm energetic again. It's official I'm seeing this new girl (Amy) and we really compliment each other. I'm really excited about my future and no longer have any hangups about my ex. I said before you have a good soul maita. Thanks for your help and thanks for listening.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

That's good to know Ed, I hope you and Amy will hit it off. Just take it slowly and the key is don't get your expectations too high. I am very happy for you. Things always get better! Take care!! Maita


marius252 5 years ago

Pretty, I have a question for you. my ex cheated on me, she was my fiancé, and we were in a 9 and a 1/2 year relationship. eventually she came back, I was so stupid to take her back, and she started with the stuff again. I left her, and that was the end. I met a wonderful woman, we have been together for 2years, BUT, I cannot perform sexually anymore. I think it has todo with what my ex did. Everytime there is even a movie with a woman, cheating on her husband or boyfriend, I can feel the weird feelings inside, like its hurt or something. How do I get past this, I am right? Right? it is me that hasn't gotten past the cheating thing of not being able to perform sexually anymore. Maybe you know of a book, or maybe you can make me a suggestion or 2, something, I don't know what to do anymore. I have alot of anger,but this is 2 years ago already. My girlfriend says I must write all the feelings, in that way, it will come out. Thanks in this regard.

Marius


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mr kumbah 5 years ago

Hi I have an answer for you, I hope I don't offend you with it, but maybe your anger is holding you back from "getting over it" properly, still carrying baggage from a previous relationship is not going to do your current relationship any good, try and do what I did, make the move to be right with her, speak to her and be friendly, by this I mean just being civil with her, remember , this is purely for your benefit.

My other answer is probably the one you wont like, but as wonderful as your new girlfriend is, maybe your not sexually attracted to her, maybe she,s just a really good friend who you feel you should be sexually attracted to.

How old are you ?


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Marius, I am sorry about that. I think that the anger is still seeing in your mind and emotions is affecting you. That is too bad, what you can do us talk to your partner right now and think of ways by which you become excited, what turns you on. Then work towards that. I think it is right that you are telling your partner about that problem and the two of you can overcome that. Just avoid movies, shows which remind you of what happened. Healing is different in every person, it takes time with you. Perhaps experiment with your partner about your fancies. Concentrate about the things that turn you on and work for it. As for books I will research and get back here.

Take care, Maita


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Marius and Mr Kumbah, I will check back again and see what is your response to Mr Kumbah, he has some points there, Thanks for dropping by again Mr Kumbah!


marius252 5 years ago

Mr Kumbah, thanx for the advice, I am 30yrs old. I think you are correct when you say that its my anger preventing me from getting over it. How do I let go of my anger?? Regarding my girlfriend, I am very much sexually atracted to her, what I meant when I said I cant perfrom is that I do not last, (blushing), it's very quick, and then it's over. So embarrasing! what do you mean when you said that I must talk to her? who is her? my ex??? wow, its a liitle bit impossible, as she has moved very far away from me... now what?

Maita, thank you for your response aswell, and the work that you put in. How you get back to everyone, and try and help is unbelieveable. I will be waiting for your response.

Marius


mr kumbah profile image

mr kumbah 5 years ago

Hi , yes I meant if you could talk to her your ex, not ask for closure but to face her without going nad and saying just "Hi", that usually helps in letting it go,but as she,s moved , try and adopt the out of sight , out of mind approach.

I was in the same situation as you a few years ago, I dated a woman who lived a few doors down, she was still seeing her ex,she dumped me, eventually moved away, 2 years later she assures me she was over him we date again and I caught her with her ex, after telling me she was at her sisters.

At the time she was living a few miles away, I was angry more with myself for trusting her again, but because I didn't see her , I wasn't to concerned, last may, she moved back to my street, a few doors down from me, at fist we would ignore each other , she couldn't even look at me, but she likes living round here, eventually I started to say "Hi" to her, that's it.

Theres no point in beating yourself up about it , if you really like someone enough to give them a second chance and they betray to again , you have to accept that you made the decision to allow them back into your life , whether you feel used, hurt or foolish after tells you that you shouldn't bother there again, lesson learnt,you both know where you stand.

As far as your sexual problem goes, try Viagra, it does help you last longer and delay the orgasm.

Maybe you are still hung up about your ex and have issues there that you feel were beyond your control, but give yourself the closure you need , tell, yourself and keep telling yourself , that for you she isn't worth the trouble and worry and the anger will eventually dissipate.

It took me over a year to get to where I am , I see my ex sometimes on a daily basis, if I sit and think hard , yes I could dislike her, but it was me who let her back in, the choice was mine, she played me all over again, but who cares , as Ive wrote above previously in other comments, Im with someone 100x better, and were away to Barbados in 3 weeks, life just gets better.

You are with someone you are attracted to, work and focus on your new relationship , theres so much more fun to be had with someone who cares for you, your ex obviously didn't, you gave her another chance and it didn't work.

You will go through the emotions till you give it up youself, then probably breathe a sigh of relief and wonder what you ever saw in her when you bump into an airport lounge in Moscow and she's looks like she could lose 300lbs.

Think positive and leave the past where it is, look to the future.


mr kumbah profile image

mr kumbah 5 years ago

Hi Maita, hope you are happy and keeping , regards .


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Mr Kumbah, that is a good advice, am grateful that you are advising Marius on what to do. Thanks a lot for dropping by always!!

I can't advise him well on that department being a woman...

Regards and take care too, thanks really!


marius252 5 years ago

Mr Kumbha, thanx for the advice. Sometimes it's easier said than done, but, I think that with me re-affirming with myself everyday that she isn't worth the trouble and agony, it will start to probably put the ball in motion. What a great laugh about the airport part.

Take care Mr Kumbah.... Much appreciated!!

Marius


very hurt 5 years ago

Hi Pretty dark horse, it's me again. Have not been writing for a while.

Regarding your last reply, I told him in front of the counsellor that I want him to stop talking to the woman, but he refuse. Reason being they are in the same industry and he might meet her again. He does not want to sour the relationship. As long as she do not called him, he will not call her

We went for a family holiday recently, before we left, we agree not to talk @ the past or the 3rd party. But it was so difficult for me but I manage. The reason is I found out that they check into a hotel behind my back last year.So painful.

Although he is with us physically, his soul is not. He is constantly looking into his phone for text messages. Recently he adopted a new approach, when his phone rings, he will walk away from us so as we cannot eavesdrop his conversation. From the body lang. he is happily chatting away. When I question him who it was, sometimes he will let me know if he feels it is harmless person.If not he will feign ignorance like he didn't hear me.

Just 2 days ago, it was his birthday. We celebrated his birthday but I sense something is amiss. He did not mention anything @ the 3rd party. I thought she will at least call or text or maybe buy him a birthday treat. I want him to be truthful to me, alas he is not. I have to resort to snopping into his hp to see what she wrote. So sad and pathetic. Till this day he is still not honest.

Should I see a lawyer next as I feel the counsellor is not doing much to save this marriage?

Again we argue @ telling his parents @ the dark secret but he is against it. He says he will tell in good time.

I feel he is buying time with me so that when I am off guard, he can carry on his relationship with the woman behind my back. And he needs someone to take care of his children and I am the catalyse that hold this family together for the time being before I breakdown.

So tired, so sick and tired of all this emotional cheating. I am living for my 2 pitiful children only. What more can I do????I tried very hard to accommodate him even though he did me wrong but he is taking it for granted.Whatever I wanted him to do he is not doing it. everyone thinks he is a good guy. I try to forgive and let the past be past but....what good does it do for me???Once a cheater, always a cheater, is there any meaning to it.Good morning. Everyday I waited for dawn to appear because I wanted to see a better tomorrow. But I cry and cry and cry....


very hurt 5 years ago

Guess I will have to swallow my pride and move on with him till such time. He is always in control. He decides to stay or go, not me. I guess the person that can earn is in power. Got to move on.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Very hurt, gather yourself and try as much not to be affected. The more you become miserable, the more it will affect you emotionally and physically, it will drain you. You can check if he is really cheating by checking your cellphone billing, check the numbers he is calling specially during off work hours. You can also check his expenses, credit cards transactions etc, and then when you have a solid evidence, that is the time to confront him, and be ready for the consequences. It is hard when there is no hard evidence. I see that you can't trust him yet again and that is understandable. Trust can be brought back into the relationship when he is cooperating with you.

I can really feel for you, and the emotional pain you are undergoing. It takes time to accept the things that happened specially if you have still doubts.

You can resolve this thing on your own and your partner without parents intervention. It is better that way, I think.

Most specially eat well and always be ready for what will happen in your relationship. It may turn out to be worst, but make sure first about the solid evidence. Otherwise, it will juts make a toll in your relationship if there is no solid evidence.

Take care ok, I hope you feel better today!


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Very hurt, sorry I am late in responding to you, I don't have Internet access for one week.


Very Hurt 5 years ago

Thanks for reply.


Very Hurt 5 years ago

Recently just resume our counselling session again. Due to his new job and travelling.

I am at a loss. sometime when I want answer from him @ his pass affair, he just shut me up and says it is a toxic subject and that's that. I am find it hard to accept his attitude and his reply is "It's over". He wants to start fresh with me. So easy to say "It's over" and all the pain he has cause me. He says he make up to me by spending 2 months without job. Actually he wanted to stop and smell the flowers before he starts a new one.

Not I ask him to but so happened the timing is just right. Now that he is back with work, he is immersing himself completely in it, he don't call or sms me. Come home late as usual.

Today he is later than usual and I decided to go get some fresh air without the kids. He came home, eat, bath and watch TV. He don't even to bother to call me to ask where are you. Is this call care and concern? I am so utterly disappointed with him.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Hi very Hurt, I hope you are ok today? I would like to say that I am happy you are continuing your counseling together. is it helping at all? I hope so.

I am really sorry for what you are undergoing right now, but for most of it, it is just expectations from him. Is he a loving partner before he was infidel to you, if not, don't expect him really to change. Tell him about your expectations and be clear about it, Say and tell him I was hurt by your lack of concern to me, tell him, "I would like to be appreciated more", but not sounding very needy.

I am happy he found a new job. And tell him about your feelings really when he doesn't SMS you. I will repeat again, that if he is not that kind of person before he had an affair, don't expect him to be more loving now. It is either you lower your expectations of him or tell him straight that you need those "reassurances" which he should have been giving you because of what he did. In reality he should help you bring back the trust again. If he is not concern about how you feel, that's a different story. The thing is just tell him once and if he don't do it, it is a sign that he wouldn't like to help you recover from that.

I must tell you that moving on after you have been cheated on is very difficult, it takes longer for some people and only you can help yourself with his assistance of course. Try to concentrate on yourself and your children, making yourself more beautiful and get a hobby.

Ask yourself, Can I accept him again just the way he is, if not then think about separating. It takes sometime to heal, and always think that this thing does not happen to you lone/ In fact even the most beautiful women in the world, their husbands cheat on them. It happened and you need to move forward.

Hugs and update me, Take care...Maita


Very Hurt 5 years ago

Always looking forward to yr reply. Things have got back to norm. He's at work, kids in school and house is just me alone. It's nice to enjoy the peace and quiet b4 they are back and the mad rush.

But being alone also gives me time to think @ us. During the counselling session, we have so many difference in aspect of life. WE have different sleeping pattern, how to handle kids, food wise,etc. we don't seems to have a thing that keeps us together now except the kids.

I cannot stay forcus for long nowadays as his pass and action is occuping my head.I want to go and he wants me to stay. But how much longer can I take this. I am a very unhappy housewife.

He say I have loss confident in life. Yes! how true. After not working for 10 yrs and devote myself to this family and being cut out from the working world. How do you find confident again. And he is not helping, just merely asking me have I found what I want to do? Even working he want me to work on weekdays while everyone is out of the house and not weekends. I feel I need to get away from him and kids on the pretext of work.

I feel I want to run away from him but I cannot let my children down by just walking off. Everytime I see him is a stress to me. My heart sunk whenever I see him. I know I cannot finance myself well now and working world is so different now from 10 yrs back. He and counsellor is against the idea of me working over the weekends, no family time. I told him I want to make the weekends for myself, but ended up doing the household chores. Kids ask me what's for lunch, he ask me what's for dinner and so on and so forth. So sick and tired of all these.

He is getting suspicous of me always in front of the screen late in the night.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Very Hurt, I can see that you are struggling to be a better mom and wife as well. I think you need a break, you need to talk to him and explain all of it, all your feelings. You need a much deserved time out. What are your interest, can you think of some wishes you had that you need to do. Jot it down. Like me, I have been learning to play the guitar, it is my wish ever since, and now I am pursuing it.

Or if you think you can be a writer, write here at HubPages when you feel like it, look at the Learning Center, just below this page and click it.

Do you like making your own website, explore, so you can be busy.

I can understand your situation and I agree that he should help you with coping as I can see that it takes time for you to recover form that infidelity. Tell him and approach him by saying you need more time for yourself, and it will be better for you in the long run.

Can you find a job when the children go to school, not on weekends, I agree with the counselor about that?

Healing really takes time for some people like you and I really wish you get past that sooner. The earlier for you to get over it, the better. I really wish you can overcome it sooner and you have to move on for your own sake.

Take care ok give me a feedback...


godfrey profile image

godfrey 5 years ago from California

As a philosophical contrarian, I would wish to offer the following: That the very notion of being cheated on implies ownership. Further, it de-naturalizes the elemental impulse that drives and governs human relationships. In more mature world societies, the notion is virtually mute. To a typical American my concept is obviously marginalized. This is not the best forum for my thesis; but consider this: Only the FREE can enjoy the greatest sensation of all. The reason is because this enjoyment defeats fear, shame, and guilt. Any desire to force love for oneself is a fundamental ignorance of what love is, and whence it derives. Love is like a river. It thrives when unbridled. If you NEED to chain another human to yourself, you should check your intrinsic premise. Note that I handled those words gracefully. As humans evolve, psychological health is infinitely more priceless. In America virtually all ties break. Why?

Godfrey Silas


Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan

I am in the healing process - being cheated on for most of my 26 years of marriage. I questioned it for years, but never truly believed that he committed 'the act', particularly when he so vehemently denied my questions, then. He decided to 'confess' his sins over a year ago.

He decided he didn't want to live that way anymore and felt if he confessed to me I could absolve him of his sins, and he could live a normal life with me.

He felt he was too old to start over and is in the hopes that I can forgive him. I told him his sins were not mine to forgive.

I feel like the entirety of our marriage has been a lie (he began cheating at the 3 month mark). The part that has me the saddest is my lack of hope. I feel as though there is no hope for me anymore. I will never get to feel the love that wanted to feel.

He asked me last week "Are we ever going to be man and wife, again?" I answered as honestly as I could "I don't know". I think the pain has gone too deep, I feel as if I am in a pit with the walls greased and I can't get a good grip.

I keep trying to let him go, to get him to leave, I feel he is unhappy with his self-imposed lifestyle. He insists this is the way he wants to live - now. Monogamous. He has burned me too many times, when I have begun to believe him he hurts me once more.

Only I can find the answers to all of my questions, this I understand.... I'm just tired of feeling this way, I want joy in my life, other than the joy found with my kids and grand kids. I feel like I'm in a limbo.

He doesn't comprehend the destruction he has done to me with this.

@ Godfrey - You are correct we do not 'own' one another, but when a promise is made, it should be kept. At the very least a person should be released from a relationship before going on to the next. No relationship should be based on lies. If it is ones desire to be frivolous with their love, then that should be brought into the mix at the onset of the relationship.

Thanks prettydarkhorse for allowing my venting..


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

@Godfrey, this is beautiful words from you -- "Love is like a river. It thrives when unbridled." Definitely true, but all you want from loving a person is for them to be honest and love you back..specially if they committed to you as well.

"As humans evolve, psychological health is infinitely more priceless. In America virtually all ties break. Why?"

I think that if you compare America to other western countries, they are bit more conservative. Family is still important, so for most specially those who are married, they are bound not only to themselves but for their children.

Thanks for reading Godfrey..


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Sweetsusieg, that is hurtful. Yes it is difficult, you can't really say that your heart will stop hurting, I think it takes time to heal, and it is difficult for some.

I know you are a sweet lady, I have read some of your hubs..I feel that you know what you are doing, you can't force yourself to do things which doesn't correspond to how you feel, you've been hurt. Letting go, means not forcing yourself too hard and just taking the time t heal as well.

Thanks for sharing and HUGS to you..


mr kumbah profile image

mr kumbah 5 years ago

Hi Maita , I think I have to disagree with Godfrey.

Being cheated on is not about ownership , if someone tells you they are exclusivley with you , then you catch them with someone else, that is nothing to do with ownership, its about someone using or decieving or both,playing you etc.

I think I would agree if someone was overly possesive and smothered their partner to a degree that they could not leave the house like some peple do, then the first chance they get they cheat to break free , then that could be classed as a form of deluded ownership.

I think if you were being manipulated by someone who you loved and would never hurt, then they cheat, then that's simply cheating.

I went to Huddersfield university many years ago to study philosophy, simply because my late father taught it in Milan in the early sixties,when he was dying , I wanted to know more about him and where he drew his wisdom from, I learned that philosophy is certainly not a subject that you could use the words so freely as "Cheated on implies ownership ", its a subject that is too deep to generalise.

If we lived in a society that taught free love then nobody would be cheating nobody, although I like the idea of the free love , its very impractical for me, my girlfriend doesn't buy it lol !

Take care Maita, always .


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 5 years ago from US Author

Mr Kumbah, hi, I am glad you always drop by here. Thanks for your kind words and your nice reply.

Yes, your take makes sense. Even if your partner is possessive, bad or the worst kind of human being, I think that we don't resort to cheating just to get back at them. It is better to break the relationship, then find another one if you are not happy anymore, you owe your partner that one. Of course when you have children it becomes more difficult.

It is difficult continuing with the relationship when you know that your partner is cheating on you and you made it clear that it is making you sad.

If you both agree that you can cheat while on the relationship, that is another story, but for me, I am happy to know for example that my partner is sensitive to my feelings.

Trust and honesty go along way in every relationship.

Take care too Mr Kumbah


godfrey profile image

godfrey 5 years ago from California

The irony is that my post has engendered passionate responses and a modest examination of lateral angles to the vexing issue of relational departure called infidelity. Not very long ago in human history we might not be negotiating this bend. How things have changed...

Sweetsusieg steals my compassion for obvious reasons. She is exactly the reason this phenomenon needs clarification. It is duly pertinent to declare categorically that SEX IS NOT LOVE. Since there are billions of women in the world, a man is rarely with a woman he does not love for 26 years, no matter how many women he flirts with. That beats Hollywood relationships by an impossible margin. What Sweetsusieg may wish to understand is that she is the primary winner. The larger issue beyond the cheating fixation is a wide scheme of understanding what engenders infidelity. Complaining about people's infidelity is a circular project. It seems clear that most humans have an intrinsic propensity for erotic multiplicity. Gender is not a factor. I have traveled the globe a few times. When you isolate people from social moral constraints, and esteem obligations setting them free of chains...you are then ready to appraise them. In America, humans exist in a plastic, mechanical domain. Plus, America was settled by the PURITANS. If politicians who have all to lose are caught with their pants down, the answer is in the question. I am never shocked. Because I study this stuff. Most people were born into the scheme we know, namely: shame, guilt and fear of sexuality. Sex is not a thought, sex is not an emotion, sex is not a tool of reason. Sexuality is a drive. Many struggle with its repressing, some crumble to its force, the rest have found acceptance by way of communal expression, probably the most rational of all. Finally, if fidelity were natural and not forced, I would not be writing this. Everybody would wear it like a glove. Social expectation has manufactured the pain.

- Godfrey Silas


erik 5 years ago

They all cheated on me. I no longer even date.


yummy 83 5 years ago

I found out 2 weeks ago that my boyfreind of 3 years cheated on me for at least six week with a 20 year old im 28, im heartbroken, i have tried to break up with him, but i love him and keep giving in. I was cheated on in the past by my kids father and i dumped him straight away and never looked back. I'm just at the stage where i don't know what to do. I tried to dump him last nyt but this morning i wanted him back. i know i cant go on like this it not fair on me, him, or the kids. i also found out i was expecting the day after i found about his cheating, but lost it a few days ago. which really doesn't help things either


happydms 5 years ago

i just found out yesterday that my bf is still seeing his ex. it was so painful. i thought their relationship was over but they went out on a family vacation, my bf the ex and her 2 kids.

my bf is a good man. for the longest time he has been trying to let go of his ex but she is totally dependent of him. as one of my bf's friend put it, she has a way with him and somehow she always manages to get her back. the girl is older in her 50s with 2 kids, my bf is 42 single and without kids. they have been together for more than 10 years and have been through hell and back.

we are together for about 9 mos. never really imposed rules about not talking to the ex bec i too came from a long term relationship (11 years) i still communicate with my ex but i have made it very clear to him taht we are just friends. i have also tried to lessen our communication because i don't want it to be an issue in my present relationship. so i assummed that the same holds true for them.

but i guess not because he has lied about it, went on a 3day trip with her and he spends time with her during family gatherings.

in my heart i want to forgive him and give our relationship a try. i hope someone will be able to give an opinion about my situation.


tonya 5 years ago

I knew two weeks ago that something was going on. My husband had changed. We been together 14 yrs and i knew. I caught him in too many things. There were too many signs. He told me last night that he had cheated on me with a girl twice. We talked, we cried we made up. But then i woke up this morning and still i feel like going over there whoopin her rear after i smash his skull in. Im so MAD.What do i do?


Tonya 5 years ago

So yesterday was awful. My husband is still protecting her by not letting me go over to her house and stompin a mud hole in her rear. He says he doesn't want me going to jail or prison because of my martial arts training. But i say hes protecting her. We talked again last night about the affair he started getting mad, he said hes mad at himself but he just wants to stop talking bout it all together and move on he said i squashed it lets move on. he says he'll never do it again he's sorry, he loves me with all his heart and soul. Then he purposelly started making me angry i ended up punching him until i almost cried, he said there do you feel better? I did a little bit. then 1am finnaly went to sleep but kept waking up every hour or two from nightmares of them and me. He told me this morning i kept waking him up too. Then he asked why? I said well the last dream ended with me in prison orange. I don't know if i can move on from where i am at right now i know that its gonna take time i know that im supposed to forgive and forget i know that he loves me that's why he stopped the affair and told me i know i loved a man on Aug 20 2011, then the affair started aug 21, and ended sept 1. he said the last time he slept with her was on the 28th and the first time was the 21st but she did not satisfy him. he finnaly sat there and told me last night that she made him feel young carefree and they laughed and had a fun time i said what the hell we do too he said not like we used too. Anyways i hope i did not confuse anyone. Someone please help. Im not supposed to talk to anyone in my family about this he doesn't want them to know. Thank you Tonya


Solana 5 years ago

OMG,

I am so very glad to have found this blog... my husband of 7 year confessed to me two months ago that he cheated on me 4 times during our marriage. he explained that the first 3 times were one night stand but with the forth person even though he didn't feel anything for her he did feel stuck and kept the affair for 10 months until we moved to another location. During his confession he explained that he has gotten safe by God, wanting to live his life following the Bible and God's will... and that is why he needed to confess and come clean. I was shocked, I was hurt and completely lost. could not tell anyone, I felt embarassed, angry and bitter. I decided to stay with him and try to re-build our relationship because I am a beleiver, I am a person of faith and I felt I could not do anything different but forgive the husband that was asking for my forgiveness and another chance. quite honest i would of never known if it wasn't because he told me... he is in the military and I was in the military myself. the military environment and work schedules along with deployments make cheating so available and so easy to hide that it is unfortune.

anyway, reading about other stories and how other people handle this type of situation has helped me a lot and even though I am still working on leaving everything in the past I am doing considerable well. my husband has been making sure that I know that he is truly committed to make it work and he is thankful for the opportunity I have given him... I feel lucky actually and I feel that I earned a better husband instead of loosing a bad one if that makes sense. I am in a recovery stage still but I am in a happier place with my relationship... this experience has changed me forever but I am determine to make something positive out of it.

thank you!


Solana 5 years ago

I wanted to make one more comment ...

I read Tonya's post... one thing that did help me was something that my own husband told me and it was something I have told him once...

"people can only continue to hurt you when you give them power by allowing them to enter your life and we do that by giving them a thought and allow bitterness to come in... only then they can continue to win"

i am not a counselor by any means but these words and my faith have kept me from becoming unhappy.

lots of blessings for all the people that are going thru this...

PS, English is my second language so I hope you can all understand what I tried to say...God Bless


Needs Advice 4 years ago

A week ago my boyfriend of 1.5 years tells me he cheated on me with his ex whom he has a child with. He spilled everything from he told her he was going to leave me, that he was in love with her, he also lied to her saying he was sleeping on the couch and that he had broken up with me. 2 days before he told me they had slept together. The emotional side of the cheating went on slowly and escalated over 2 months. I had suspected something was going on, as he had changed his passwords and was keeping his phone in his pocket. When i confronted him letting him know how i felt he would just say we are going thru a rough patch and that i shouldn't feel like the other woman. I confronted him over 5 times.

the day he told me he said he didn't want to loose me and that he can only hope that i give this another chance. 2 days after he went to her and broke it off. he told her that he told me everything. She didn't take the 'break up' nicely. A couple hours later i get a call with her telling me her side of the story, alot which had matched what he had told me and some that did not. I believe she called me only to dig the knife a little deeper and make me feel worse.

I am continuing every day the best i can. But i do need some advice on dealing with her, as they have a child together. A lot of ppl say that in order to heal the other woman must never be contacted and that can not happen in this case. How do i move on when she will always be there?

I also told him that in order for me to move on i need access to his emails and fb, so i can check on him, i know slowly i will not check up as much i just need to know now that things are not continuing.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

I just got back, sorry for not responding.

Hi Needs Advice. It is good that your bf told you about it, it means he care for you. try to put back that trust again and just be vigilant about the signs that he is cheating again, you don't need to know his password or check his cellphone. I know that trust is difficult after the cheating but you need to give it to him so that you can start anew.

Good luck, and don't be scared about it, (about his ex and child), he will surely be in contact with them b/c they have a child together. Just be your best, show your love to him.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Godfrey, again I can only say one sentence "loving your partner means you don't want to hurt them and if they are hurt while you are having sex with other partner, then you can't blame them. Some people grew up that way, "their social world is based on a family that should be intact and parents are exclusives".

There is joy in making love while you love your partner.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

hi Solana,

I am so happy for you, once a person comes clean they mean well, and I agree with what you say about "it is up to you if you want to have peace, don't let other people hurt you". You have a forgiving heart and I think your husband loves you because he told you about all his past relationships. I have a feeling he will not do it again. Take care.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

hi happydms,

It seems that he still love his ex, just let him know that you are not happy when he do those things -- staying with her ex and children. It seems that he is not over his ex yet.If he really care for your feelings, he will stop to do it.

Take care..


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Erik,

One day you will find what you are looking for, honest and loyal woman. Good luck to you and take care.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

yummy83,

I hope you are ok and you said you are pregnant. I hope you can still read this, how is it going now?

Give him another chance and that's it. Since you experience how painful it is with the father of your children, then I think now you have the power not to let him hurt you. If he really care for you, he will be true to his word and watch out if he do it again, then be prepare. It is difficult for you at the moment bec you are also pregnant, I hope things will get better for you. Take care ok.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Tonya, I hope you are feeling ok now. Acceptance is difficult, but you can make it easier for you by not reminding him always of what he did and find activities which you can do so that you don't always have to think about it. I know it is difficult for you, but once a man confided to you, it means he care for you.

it is not the other womans fault, don't go there in her house to confront her, you are better than that.

Don't hurt yourself by thinking about it always, i know it is better said than done, talk about other fun activities with him and try to rekindle what you used to have.

Take care ok..


Aiden 4 years ago

This is a bit long so please feel free to not read I don't want to be a bother or bore anyone.

About 7 months ago my girlfriend cheated on me with a boy she has known from her classes. Me and her had constantly argued over her liking him and deciding between me and him in the past. We broke up and they went out. She seemed to move on and when other girls started to talk to me (I'm not trying to say I'm a player or anything I was just trying to move on) she dumped him telling me that I was the one she wanted, not him. Over months I put all my trust into thinking she wouldn't be anymore than friends with that guy but she continued to get distant from me and I started getting scared. One evening I has received a phone call from her, she sounded cold and lifeless (her friend, angry with her, was making her call me to tell me) like she could care less about what she was about to say. She told me "I has sex with [him] and now I'm pregnant, I'm going to live with him." I was completely shattered. I hung up and completely went into a rage, not towards or, or even him, but on myself. I'm proud to say I didn't go as far as cutting, or drugs, or drinking. I bailed and bailed though. After recollecting myself several hours later I had wanted answers. I loved (still love) this woman so much, I gave her everything I had and got this in return and I wanted answers. I called her and I could still hear coldness in her voice and it put me into another rage, this time at her. She finally broke down and cried. (I wasn't calling her names, I was yelling stuff in the form of "How could you do this to me, ect." To be honest I have NEVER called her a name and this is the only time she has heard me cuss out loud in our 3 year relationship) Still crying she told me that she wasn't going to get an abortion (we are both pro-life) but she told the real father [him] that she is and that she never wanted to see him again. I was still heartbroken and even now I wonder if I did the right thing but every little broken piece of my heart wanted her back. I told her I'd take care of the child with her (something that has gotten me disowned from my own father and mother) I'm 19, she's 18 in and half. I know we're too young for this and the worst thing is I don't think I can trust her ever again. I forgave her and prayed a lot, I still need to go to church more, and it seemed to put my heart at ease, I even go as far as feeling love for the child I know I will raise as my own. The baby has done nothing wrong after all. But a few months into her being pregnant she called me several times (I was sleeping and finally woke up after 7 calls) saying that she had tried getting in contact with the original father and that he moved on with another woman and didn't want anything to do with the baby. This upset me again because this means that my girlfriend told [him] about the child and tried reaching him. I asked her why she was crying and she said it was just because the girl he was now dating was her [former] friend. I don't want to assume or sound full of myself but at this point I feel as if that was a lie. We again moved on from this and soon found out that the sex our the baby will be male. For a few weeks now (and I think she's thought of it too) I have wondered, what if the baby looks like him? Rumor wheels go about of her not knowing the father (we know it isn't me, we know it's him, no question about it) and it's been more so stressful on me and her talking. I text her good morning and goodnight with no replies in the past few days even though she gets on Facebook and updates her status. When I confronted her she said I was being clingy.

Some people tell me I have a strong and forgiving heart but why now all of a sudden I feel weaker than ever? I'm not trying to make my life-partner feel guilty with reminders of her mistakes but I need her and it doesn't feel like she's there. She always talks to her friends online and on the phone about how much she loves the baby and she's excited for him to be born but as soon as I ask how she's feeling or bring up the baby she ignores me for days on end.

I don't know I just had to get this out, I'm crying just recollecting it but it feels a little good to vent to strangers.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Aiden, thank you for your trust in confiding here.

What you did, forgiving your gf is remarkable, plus accepting the baby, are you sure about it though? I want to tell you that accepting the baby she is carrying is a big responsibility, you are still very young, things may change, I mean your feelings about it - raising the baby and the responsibility that goes with it. Your gf might change her mind about everything, - between you and her, the baby etc.

I can see the concern about what if the baby will look like his dad etc., you are still not sure about your feelings toward it. You have to know the rules in your area about it. Are you planning to marry the girl in the future? Will the real father abandon the baby? Are you living together with your gf?

I can see that your gf does not love you the way you like to be loved, can you say that you are clingy? Well, if she is busy with facebook and she can't even reply to you, that is something.

I know and can feel that you really love the girl, but is she the same boat with you? She cheated on you and apparently she still has the feeling for the guy, you are a very young dude and just take it easy. Don't expect too much, your gfs mind might change again. Protect yourself by not expecting too much like what I have said.

Do your best, are you in school still? Talk to her about what you are feeling and about what are you going to do with the baby, it is difficult raising a baby, both emotionally and economic reasons. If your gf is not mature enough, then I don't see where your relationship is going. You are both very young.

Get busy with other things and once and for all tell her you need to talk about everything, the future etc, plans need actions and if you see that she is not bothering with it, it is time for you to see beyond.

Take care and thank you for sharing here.


Aiden 4 years ago

prettydarkhorse thank you a ton for the advice. I'm going to reflect on everything said and discuss things with my girlfriend. We are planning on getting married and [he] did abandon the baby but I have to tell her what I think before I go any further. I'll let you know how things go and thank you again for being not only an ear to listen but a voice of reason.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Aiden, good luck, be happy ok. Always stay positive and give us a feedback. Love yourself more! Use your heart, a bit of wisdom to know what is real and love yourself more.


Aiden 4 years ago

Wow. I can't believe it's been 12 days since we broke up.

It happened pretty fast. I asked why she was being distant and she got very aggressive about the whole subject and dumped me. Even after she texted me several times during the day and night I didn't reply. I found out later she is going out with the boy she was with so I suspect she had been ready to fall back on him awhile.

I'm not sure what's next for me. But whatever it is it won't invole here..


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi Aiden,

Just keep on believing in yourself. Time slowly heals the wound, and if there are moments when you remember her, just think about the good days.

Things always happen for a reason. A good friend of mine told me once "You will be happy one day and thank them for what they did".

There is someone for you out there, but remember not to rush things. It is maybe harsh to tell, but she does not love you.

Take care ok and like I said, love yourself more. Give us a feedback.


Aiden 4 years ago

I have decided things do happen for a reason, but I will waste time moving on if I sit here looking for closure so I'm ready for a chance at life on my own and hopefully, wait scratch that, I will find someone else that can deal with my clingy nature.

Thank you so much for your ear and advice.


Pamela 4 years ago

Hi, I was in a seven year relationship with my boyfriend... he asked me last year for christmas to marry him...... I was so excited as after i finish my studies in 2013. Meanwhile, we would have planned and prepared for the wedding..... However, in september i got msg on fb about he having a daughter.. I did my investigation and found about the baby

i confronted him and finally accepted he cheated me on 2010 and the baby can be his..........

He mentioned the women isn't bothering him and he regrets what he did...... he cried and pleaded for forgiveness...

I felt like my heart broke when i found and he confirmed he cheated me...

up to now its three months i found and don't knw what to do....

I feel really bad, at times anger and confused on which decision to take........... forgive him and return or move away with my life???????????

I just feel he didn't value me nor all the good times we had.........

I am confused


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Aiden, yes, I wish you well and remember the lessons you have learned.

It is also is nice if you can limit the clingy behavior. Good luck, update us ok?


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Pamela, I can understand your feeling. If you feel that he is sincere, then forgive him. If you can't accept what he did, tell him the truth, you can then have time to think about things. It might help if you cool off so that you can examine your feelings for him. It is difficult when somebody betray you. Once a person betrays you, sometimes it is difficult to bring back the trust. It requires effort on your part and him so that it can be regained again.

So that you don't get depressed, don't dwell on it and think of other activities so that you are busy.

Is he even communicating with the mom of the baby. Even if the woman is not bothering him, he should at least have to do something for the baby. That's another sign of being a good man. Look out for that.

Keep on updating us and take care.


Marie 4 years ago

Found out my boyfriend has been with another girl on and off for two to three months. During this time we have been on and off and he promises it was only during our off times that he was with her. After our first breakup he came back to me and I made it clear that he could not be sleeping with anyone else and me. He promised me he had not and would not. That was a big fat lie because he had already been with another woman. He continued to sleep with her whenever we were broken up and then come back to me. This cycle went on for about three months. Once I really questioned him over and over the truth came out. He says he's sorry and loves me and wants to marry me and that she was just a distraction for him. Who sleeps with someone as a distraction? And that she knew they were just friends with benefits. My question to you is how do I get rid of all the images in my head of him and her together. I think about it at all hours of the day and have trouble sleeping. I see them in my mind and it makes me sick. I want to forget and move forward I honestly wish I could but I can't get past all the images and how could he do this to me if he loved me? And if he respected me how could he do this me? Ugh, I don't see how I can move on with him if those images don't go away. Help, please.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi Marie, your situation is difficult, but I think you know already that of you keep on thinking about it, the more you can't forget it. Indulge your mind with some other activities.

He lied to you and even if you are not "on" with him during those times, to sleep with somebody when you are trying to work it out is not good.

You may want to have time on your own and think about your relationship with him.

Infidelity happens and when this is a repeated behavior then you may really want to evaluate your situation and relationship with him.

Have time for yourself and go out with your friends, visit your family so that there is no room to think about what happened. Good luck!!


Anon 4 years ago

Thank you for this. I needed an objective view on this. My bf made a mistake. I think I might be making one in forgiving him but I need to take each day as it comes and see if I feel better. If not, I'll do the right thing. In the end my happiness is what's most important.


LeftBehind 4 years ago

Hi i have had a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years going on 6 in a few months. About 6 months ago she broke up with me due to various reasons. One of the main things was the fact that i had been talking to other girls and she had cauht me in the act....I don't beleive i was trying to hide anything from her since i never deleted anything from her being able to see what was going on. She says that it was the final straw especialy after i had quite an explicit conversation with an older lady that i work with. Although it ment nothing and there was never or ever going to be any action behind it it had still hurt her just the same. I know


LeftBehind 4 years ago

that even though i never personally had any interaction with theese ladies it still caused us to break up. She had finished her semester of school and told me that she was going to visit her mom for a week or two..... Come to find out she was leaving me and taking my son with her and didn't even bother to tell me until i figured it out on my own with some denied phone calls. I began a very long chase trying to call her as much as i could and talking to her everyday until she was ready to start hanging out with me and start over... about 2 months later she told me that she was ready to come back and try to make things work with me about 6 days after she came back she started going to her moms every weekend and paying little to no attention to me. come to find out she had met someone a week after we had broke up and had been talking to him. It wasant until she moved back that she started to sleep with him. I guess it ended in aug. and that was that we kept going out with eachother and me never knowing anything i was doing my best too make her beleive i was a changed person. Well the weekend of halloween she wen up to her moms again but this time she was denying all my phone calls again. So i looked at the phone bill since im the one who pays for everything and sure enough there was a couple hundred text messages to a random number so i called it and a guy answered. I had caught her red handed. When she came back i confronted her about the situation and all she did was get angry and tell me he was just a friend but no one texts "just a friend" at three in the morning non stop. Well come to find out it had started back up with him and now i feel like a big Piece of sh.t. I have not felt like my self and our 2 yearold son has been ignored in all of this. She tells me that she is sorry for everything and she loves me and that she has chosen me... Sadly that's not good enough i feel that she took it to far to many times while i was under the imppresion that we were on good terms. I feel that she loves me and i know that's not the kind of person she is but the thought of another man being in my spot and me being the supporting factor in everything while he gets the pleasure really kills me. Iv felt like sh.t this whole time because she wasant being 100 percent with me at the same time she was making another man feel good. I don't know how to move on with her and its killing everything that we could be having now.


chacha 4 years ago

i want to share my emotion...but im not fluent in english.

but then im in a stage of guilt...im always blaming myself.im thinking that my effort as a wife and a mother is not enough to them.its 2 yrs from now.but im still searching for the right person so that i can share my experience.my family and friends doesn't know that i and my husband has a problem.i don't want to tell them because im ashamed.

my husband is doing everything to start a new life again and to bring back my trust with him.He says that was the worst thing that happened in his life.he feels;that he was the bad husband and father.

but you know even my husband is trying everything; i feel unsatisfied.im looking for something that i don't know.i want to hear something that i still don't know.

i hope you understand my english.by the way im filipino from davao city.thanks


tnacevom 4 years ago

After 10 months it is still raw and can't stop thinking about the betrayal. Try to forgive but seems impossible.


Aiden 4 years ago

It's been awhile since I posted something. She had the baby yesterday and I'm nit with her anymore. She's with the real father and after all that I had moved on my feelings rushed back. I saw pictures of them and I know I should be happy for them but instead I put a gun to my head and flipped a golden dollar coin heads for shooting myself and tails for not. Well obviously it landed tails but I wasn't in my right state of mind and I want any other person in distress to know "You are not alone" no matter what. I'm not going to run from my life. I was on the edge and I feel ashamed of almost upsetting all who knew me because I didn't want to deal with the pain. Best wishes to everyone. Had to get that out.


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prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi Aiden! I know it is a difficult moment for you, but I guarantee you that you will be glad you are not with her anymore.

"Moving on" takes time and I am glad that you are realizing things now. More power to you, thanks for the update!!


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prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi leftbehind, you have to sit down with her and talk things. Are you married with her. I don't know if she she had been unfaithful to you prior to her having accusing you. If you can sort an agreement and you want to work things out, then give it a try, if not then you will just have to face the reality. Be a good dad to your son. I still hope you can sort it out. Give us a feedback.


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prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

tnacevom, it takes time to heal, but you can help yourself by letting go and it starts with realizing that what's done is done and you can only move forward. Good luck, sorry for replying so late!!


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mr kumbah 4 years ago

@ Aidan, don't do anything rash or silly , no matter how low you feel , it really isn't worth it, if you need to see someone.

Moving on does take time, your ex really has done you a favour, even though its not like that right now.

I follow this hub , its one of the best on here, my ex lives a few doors down from me, she cheated on me with her ex, i even saw them together and did nothing, I would of let her sleep with her ex just as long as she carried on seeing me, what a clown I was ,well that was several years ago, Ive been with someone for nearly 3 years now and not much has changed, my ex still entertains her ex , I came home from work at midight last night, he was leaving her house, he lives with someone else' if he actually met someone he loved , then he wouldn't bother with my ex again.

There was a time I couldn't face her, it hurt so much , now I talk to her, in fact she seems to go out of her way to talk to me !

You will get better , you are lucky , you don't have too see youe ex on a daily basis, you have no real ties with the child.

Try to take control of your life, the best way you can.

Hi Maita, hope you are well and 2012 is good to you , best wishes , Mr K.


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prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Mr K, thanks for dropping by again. I am good, but sometimes I am busy so I can't get to respond ASAP here. Hows everything there? Your advice to Aidan is spot on!!

Take care!!


mr kumbah profile image

mr kumbah 4 years ago

Hi Maita , im good thanks ,its a really good Hub you've got going here.

I always think that when we feel things are difficult for us , theres always aomeone suffering worse than we are, we tend not to look at life objectively all of the time , what we feel is usually subjective and personal,I do try to hold that maxim , not always easy though !

A lot of the time , were architects of our own misery, hanging on to toxic relationships , thinking one day it may just pay off , it never really does.

On a much happier note , im a Grandad , got a wonderful little grandaughter !

Im away to Goa in a few weeks with my girlfriend , could do with the break, its all bed and work,

Take care Maita .


Trying to Stay Strong 4 years ago

When it rains it pours, they weren't lying about this saying. My situation is a little different. I have been with my fiancé for 5 years. In the first year I messed up and cheated on him, i confessed and did everything in my power to prove he can trust me,five years later I still remain faithful. Just yesterday my world came crashing down, he cheated on me a week away. My eating habit is horrible and my stomach is in knots. I cried to him why, why, and i think now its not a matter of why because there is NO excuse. We are after all human and we must learn how to forgive. We have a 5 month old together, and I made the decision that we are going to work on this relationship. As i write this tears flow from my eyes, it is a very difficult situation, I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy. I am in the process of healing and I am turning to a close friend but most importantly to God. We HAVE to be strong even if your hearts broken, smile and still be grateful for what you have in life.


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prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Mr Kumbah, your words are comforting and full of wisdom. Though sometimes it is difficult to heal, we are truly the architects of ourselves. We can move on and be happy.

Thanks again and enjoy your vacation to Goa. Is Goa in India?


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prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Trying to Stay, Be strong and I applaud you for what you are doing.

"We HAVE to be strong even if your hearts broken, smile and still be grateful for what you have in life'. I like what you said there. You must take care of yourself physically too, by eating properly and trying to sleep. I know that is difficult if it is still fresh, but hopefully as time goes by, it will be alright.

Take care and thanks for sharing.


mr kumbah profile image

mr kumbah 4 years ago

It is in India. Cheating is terrible , I think more so because you feel that you've been lied to, the trust is very , very difficult to get back.

My ex cheated twice on me with her ex , before I caught her with her ex after telling me she was with her sister, she had been looking me in the eyes saying "you have to learn to trust me, im over him , it will never happen again " .

I can really understand what people are going through , its a tough call to deal with, I honestly think that you're better off out of the relationship altogether than being with someone whos cheated , if both partys are doing it , then I think its definitely time to re-evaluate what's going on as hard as it is , is it really worth that much upset for everyone to take the risk that it has a pretty good probability of it happeing again ?


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prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Mr Kumbah, you are right, trust is almost never regained again. Lying and cheating always go together. These things happen and the easier and faster we move on the better. i never want anybody to experience it!!

As always you are full of insights and I thank you for that! Happy trip to Goa...


albert enriquez/ philippines 4 years ago

I am cheated by my wife of 20years..She had received a text from somebody that says she is so beautiful and he loves her..He did not stated his name and we call her the stalker..My wife doesn't respond to this text messages..She is 45 but really looks so good with sexy body and very pretty face. I myself gets excited everytime he sends messages to my wife because i am flattered having a wife that is so attractive.. I even told my wife to answer him so that we will know who the guy is..After several weeks, we have learned that it is the computer technician who had repaired our computer ..He keeps on telling my wife that he loves her,he is just 32 and still single but with girlfriend. Then they began chatting on the net on my knowledge at first, but everytime i am reviewing their chats and i begin to comment on some things,my wife easily gets annoyed and irritated and says,she is not comfortable by the way i am reading her messages..And i begin to suspect that she is deleting some parts of their conversations.. To make the long story short, Iam aware of their chats but without knowledge that they are seeing each other.. Until one time that i read a text message from the guy saying that I wont forget and wouldn't forget you because you are so YUMMY!! So i confronted my wife if they had already met and had sex!! She admitted to me and the whole world crumbled on me.. She says that she was just curious at first and just want to know how does it feel to have another guy since i am her only boyfriend and i am the only guy who had kissed her and had sexed with .. Later on i have learned that she had said I LOVE YOU to the guy, because she said that she never said that words to him..I am so depressed..I forgive her but i cannot forget all those things.. I asked my wife to tell me every detail that they had done..because i thought that it would be better if i know everything..But i was wrong....every now and then i would remember how she or he kissed her,make love to her and even what sex position they have done..I was so wrong for asking every detail..Please help me...I love her so much and she loves me too..She was so sorry for everything... this had happened last december of 2011..I am still so down...


BROKEN HEART 4 years ago

I WAS CHEATED ON BY MY BOYFRIEND OF 7 YRS WE HAVE TO BEAUTIFUL KIDS TOGETHER. HE DID NOT TELL ME I HAD SUSPECTED IT BUT HE NEVER CAME OUT AND TOLD ME. THEN THE OTHER DAY TWO GIRLS CAME UP TO ME AND TOLD ME WHAT HE DID WITH THEM. I AM TRYING TO MOVE PAST THIS BUT IT JUST KEEPS COMING UP IN MY HEAD HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME. I HAVE ALWAYS SUPPORTED HIM AND MY CHILDREN AND NEVER ASK FOR ANYTHING IN RETURN. I HAVE ALWAYS GIVEN HIM EVERYTHING HE COULD EVER WANT.WE ARE FINALLY TALKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED BUT I FEAR THAT IF I CANT GET OVER THIS IT WILL RUIN THAT LIFE WITH HIM. I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART AND COULDN'T IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT HIM. HOW DO I MOVE PAST THIS AND IT WAS NOT HIS FIRST TIME BEING UNFAITHFUL TO ME. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO?????

SIGNED BROKEN HEART


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prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi Mr Albert Enriquez, that must hurt so badly. Try to forget and stop asking it, since you are back together that is a lesson for both of you. Your wife just want to experiment, maybe she is bored as well but that is not an excuse. I hope that you can forget what happened and move on bec. it already happened and she was honest with it.


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prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Dear Borken Heart, That is hurtful but you need to take a closer look at your relationship and always think of your children first. If what he is doing is hurting you, then the children is affected. Always love yourself more and the children. If he is always cheating, maybe it is time for you to move on. It is really difficult at first but it is for your own good. you need to be very strong. Take care of yourself ok.


BROKEN HEART 4 years ago

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR ADVICE. I HAVE TRIED TO MOVE ON BEFORE BUT I ALWAYS END UP BACK IN THE SAME SITUATION. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PERMANENTLY GET AWAY FROM THIS.

I KNOW THIS RELATIONSHIP IS VERY BAD FOR ME AND MY CHILDREN. BUT HE HAS ALOT OF CONTROL ISSUES HE WAS MY FIRST EVERYTHING AND HE WILL NOT LET ME BE WITH ANYONE ELSE EVEN IF I TRIED. HOW DO I MAKE IT OFFICIAL AND OVER.

SIGNED

BROKEN HEART


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Broken Heart, you can move on with strong determination. I know that it is difficult because your children need to see him if you are separated already, he has that right. But once you decided on it, you need to be strong and persistent. Don't be fooled again, look at your children and imagine what kind of household they will grow up if they can see what he is doing to you. He is not a good model either and if you have a daughter I am sure you don't want somebody treating her like the way her dad is treating you.

Be strong and take care, take care of yourself physically, eat properly!


SimplyConfused 4 years ago from Illinois

I was with my fiancé for almost 12 years since I have been 15 yrs old. We have 3 kids together. I just gave birth to our 3rd child in January. Last week I checked his phone record as im the one that pays the bill its under my name.. I seen an unfamiliar number he had been calling and texting. I called and it was another woman! I confronted him about it and he claimed he didn't know what I was talking about until I pleaded with him literally all night crying to him arguing with him.. Until that very day, I always had full access to his phone. I woukd literally use his phone everyday. Never had I suspected him of cheating, as he cheated on me when we were 17 years old and I knew how he reacted then when he cheated on me. This tims he wqs the same sweet loving fiancé. He met this woman at the mall, got her number in late November and instantly began to call and text eaxh other. At first it was every other week, until middle of january it was an all day everyday text and call. He claims it was strickly a phone relationship but I don't know whay to believe. I spoke to the OW and she told me they never met up and that my fiancé told her he was single with a 4 year old son. That killed me! It broke my heart because hes always been such a GREAT father, i. Everybodys eyes we were the perfect family. For him to deny our children makes me HATE him. What's killing me and HURTING me the most is that while I was giving birth to our 3rd child, he stepped out the room to have a 39min conversation with her(the other woman) so while I was having contractions and in pain, when I needed him the most, his son could hqve been born while he was calling and texting her. He wants us to work this out and says hes sorry and regrets what hes done. But I feel as if im just his 2nd option because after I spoke with the other woman shs told him.she wanted to part in this to loss her number and to never contact her again because he lied about having a family. So I feel like he is settling with me. I want to work things out, but I don't know how to get passed thd hurt and pain of him taking advantage of my trust and love. The other woman, answered most of my questions and states that my fiancé woukd tell her to get some friends and he woukd get some friends so that they can go out... She told him no shes not into going to the clubs ans one not.... So I feel had she been as interested in him as I am, he woukd have had sex with her... He would have done more. He says he doesn't know why he did it and that hes sorry. But I just don't want him to think since I am taking him back AGAIN that its ok to do it agqin because I will forgive him. This is my last time trying to fight for my little family! Im a GREAT mother and wifey to him. I work full time, and am still on top of everything with our children. I can understand why he would look for companionship because at the end of my pregnancy I was extremely tired as I was anemic, I would wake uo early to drive my kids ti school and still drive an hour to my full time job. I was tired and we didn't do much as a couple at the very end of my pregnancy... But by all means im not saying its ok, because cheating is unacceptable! Im hurt and confused, how do I deal with the pain of being deceived and lied to. How do I make this work? I have a newborn to care for and its hard to handle all this.

Thanks for reading and letting me vent.


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prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi Simply Confused, you have no fault at all why he cheated and don't blame yourself. You are doing your job juggling your time between home and your family. You are a strong woman and I know you can get past this. It is difficult emotionally bec that hurts when you are doing your best and the other one is cheating, even talking to the other woman during the time you are in labor.

It is always the case that lying is accompanied by cheating, vice versa. If you decided to take him back then be ready he might do it again, then it is really time to move on. Always think of your children first and love yourself more. Save some money and be strong.

Sit down with him and ask him what is the best time to talk about it, and make a stand. Tell him this will be the last time you can forgive him and be true to your word.

Amidst all of these things, take care of yourself, remain beautiful and strong. Don't you ever blame yourself.

Be on the lookout for possible cheating again but don't let him notice it. It is difficult to give your trust again, but since it seems that you are ready to accept him again, then you must move on.

Take care ok.


SimplyConfused 4 years ago from Illinois

Prettydarkhorse,

Thank you for your advice. Its a hard pill to swallow.. Knowing that if I stick this out, he is most likely going to do it again. I do have to focus more on myself because I lived to please him! I always wanted him and my children to have the best designer clothes, shoes, jewelry... I would focus all my time on my fiancé and children. I recently have signed uo at the gym with a few friends and it feels GREAT focusing on myself for once! It also helps me relieve the stress, and it honestly makes me feel more CONFIDENT in myself. as im off of work for the next 6 Weeks, i'm on maternity leave. I opened a separate bank account at another bank so that I can start to invest in my single mommy money just in case he cheats on me AGAIN. Why do I feel guilty saving MY MONEY? He claims that he loves me, yet he cheated. He feels that I should try to move on because he says he didn't sleep with her nor did he do anything sexual that it was just conversation over the phone and threw text messages. To me, that's cheating! Ive been with him since I was 15years old (hes my same age) we will be 27 this year and of all these years hes never allowed me to have male friends. & I didn't mind. I stopped talking to all my childhood male friends, he has full access to my facebook account, I habe nothing to hide! I cant imagine my life without him, let alone, imagine myself in the arms of another man!

I don't want to recent my fiancé. I don't know why im compelled to stay and work this out. One is fear of not being able to financially support my children on my own, as I left my whole family and don't speak to my whole family for this man. I just feel so stupid for putting all my trust into him again! Now I have another child who doesn't deserve to live without either parent in the house hold.

How do I really kniw if im making the right decision? How do I get threw this?

I sometimes feel he is with me for pure convenience! To everyone we are the "perfect" family! All his friends think highly of me and even go out of their way to tell me I should show their girls how a real wife should be. I feel that im his trophy wifey at home, im,always there for him, I adore this man. Even his parents love me for getting him away.from his old lifestyle! I was raised by a hard working family and I want my children to have better life than I had. I didn't have my father growing uo, he passed away when I was so young. I feel like my fiancé really loves me and our children but something is different.... I am good for making uo excuses for him! I guess im living in my own fantasy land and I just done know if im doing what's best!

I am a great wifey to him, im always focused on my children, I do want this to work but I don't know how to make it work! He's been trying to work this out, but I don't know how to move on amd accept that he,cheated! I wish this was all a bad dream!

I sit and ask muself were we went wrong because he was so nice and neber showed any signs if cheating. I would grab his phone, no texts or calls out of the ordinary. he would answer my calls and respond to my texts. Seeing the phone record, he would put her on hold for me... I don't understand how he could cheat and be so calm about it and still look me in the face with no remorse or guilt! Will I ever trust again? Will I get over this pain?


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prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi Simply Confused, This must be really trying times for you, added to the problem of your fiancé cheating, you are taking care of a new baby. I applaud you for being strong and continue with that. Of course there are times when you are still thinking about what happened. Just remember that these things happen everywhere and you must know by now why he did it? Moving on from the cheating is difficult for the two of you. Time will tell if it will ever heal, but you can do a lot to lessen the pain by reminding yourself that it is not your fault that it happened. As you are saying, you had been a wonderful woman loving your family and making them your priority, continue with that. You can only make sure of your own behavior and not that of others. Don't ever blame yourself, it is what it is, he cheated and it is his fault.

We can never tell what will the future bring, you can never be sure he will do it again. Just do your best, and if things may not come out the way you want it to be, acceptance is just there in the corner. As I have said, once you decided to work things out, stick with it. Don't bother with questions that you may never know the answer like why he did it without remorse or guilt.

Will I ever trust again? Will I get over this pain? - the answers to these two last qs depends on you, the longer you think about it and the frequency of dwelling on it will not ease the pain. Try to take him for his word but be cautious too, don't be too overzealous on checking his whereabouts though because he will do it if he wants to do it and there is nothing you can do about it. I know you are protecting yourself now by going out with some friends (being fit) and keeping some money for you and the children just in case. That is nice. And always remember, when you decide about things, the welfare of the children come first.

Good luck and take care of yourself, you are a wonderful woman.


BROKEN HEART 4 years ago

I TRY EVERYDAY TO KEEP TO MY WORD AND NOT BRING UP WHAT HE DID. BUT IT IS SO HARD. I FEEL IN THE BACK OF MY MIND LIKE HE IS STILL HIDING SOMETHING FROM ME. HE SAYS HE LOVES ME AND IS REALLY SORRY BUT I DON'T BELIEVE HIM. I THINK HE JUST STAYS CAUSE HE HAS IT MADE AND GETS EVERYTHING HE WANTS. HE HAS BEEN THE ONLY MAN I HAVE EVER BEEN WITH SINCE I WAS 13 WE ARE THE SAME AGE AS WELL. WE ARE BOTH 19 AND HAVE 2 KIDS TOGETHER. DO YOU THINK HE WILL EVER GROW UP AND PUT ME AND HIS FAMILY FIRST. THIS BREAKS MY HEART I LOVE HIM SO MUCH BUT I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT WITHOUT HIM BUT HE WONT LET THAT HAPPEN. IM SCARED AND CONFUSED WHAT DO I DO.


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prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Dear Broken Heart,

The two of you are very young, but I am gathering that you are mature. It is normal to have doubts but don't let that ruin your relationship. One you decided that you accepted him again, then just try to move on.

If he do it again, your heart is not a punching bag so I am gathering this will be the last chance for him? Be the best that you can, be vigilant on what he is doing, but don't let him notice that you are spying on him. If and when he cheats again, don't fool yourself, run as fast as you can. Your children are your number one priority. If you are sad, that will reflect on them and they will be affected.

Since you have given him another chance, then work on it and be ready to communicate more with him. The fault is not in your end. Be strong and stay healthy. Don't be scared, since you feel that you can do it. Be strong, determined and don't be scared of him. Sought a help from your parents or friends when he is threatening you. Remember that you are doing the best for you and your children.

You're a wonderful woman!!


Unsure 4 years ago

I was childhood friends with my ex since I was 8 years old. I am now 19. He is 22. We dated for 4 months, and on the day of our 3rd month, he cheated on me with his best friends girlfriend whom he claims to have no attraction to whatsoever. He justifies this by stating I did not emotionally fulfill him enough, and that he felt I didn't give him enough of my time even though I spent 4 days out of the week with him. I tried my best to support him, but he shut me out and told me I was not old enough to comprehend his issues. He was fairly immature throughout the relationship, which he claims is because he needed time to grow. And he expected me to be that person who taught him how to mature into a man. It has been a year since we broke up and we decided to reconnect. I had some unanswered questions, such as not knowing the original reason for his cheating (he initially told me a year ago that it was because he was drunk, not because of the real reason of emotional neglect.) He claims to have changed because through breaking my heart he has learned the value of people and love. He wants me back. Is it wise to fall back into a relationship where I know I love the person but I have no certainty that he will not cheat?


Pissed! 4 years ago

So my husband left me for another girl! I just had a baby boy by him and we also have two other babies under the age of two. I will NEVER forgive him!!! that SOB crushed me like I was dirt. He left us with no money no food no car!!! My family is 1500 miles away! Ive never been so hurt in my life! I smile when I am with my babies but always have to go to the bathroom to cry it out. I don't know what to do, I was a great wife to him. He told me that I wasn't his type after being married to him for 5 years. What kind of BS is that? So hurt im starting to cry blood. I look at every man now with dislike and bitterness. When is the pain going to go away? its like a nightmare..... I am only 25 and I feel like this ruined me. I read these blogs and they make it sound so easy to move forward... SO PISSED AND HURT!


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prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi Unsure, like your chosen name unsure, you can never be sure if he will cheat again. Do you still love him in spite of it all. If he blames you for his action of cheating, then that is cowardly. He cheated with his best friends gf, wow, what does that tell you. Is this the first time he cheated on you? You can never make a person mature, they change by their own own doing. To blame you for what happened and shift the burden on you are really immature actions. If you decide to go back with him, then you must not count it will not happen again. Just go with the flow, be your best, and take care!


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi Ms Pissed. I hope that I can help you to ease the pain of what you are feeling right now. All I can do is suggest that, put it in your heart to think of your children which are very young. Be strong for them, never go back to him as clearly what he showed you are signs of irresponsibility. Your children and you deserve more than what you are undergoing right now.

Do you have any other friends, and while gathering the pieces together stay beautiful, just cry it out and as time will pass your pains will be eased. Can you still call your relatives, mom even though they are far away. It helps even just talking.

Be the best for your children, and be reminded that you will always be there for them. I am sure that will make you stronger. If you are weak, your children will suffer. Think about your options financially, write them down and think of the best alternatives for you. Again I repeat be strong for your children. Crying is healthy (if you feel like crying, just cry it out) and take care of yourself.


albert enriquez 4 years ago

thanks a lot for your advise! We are now going smoothly. sex life had been great lately and much better than before! We love each other more today!We can now begin to laugh at her adventures. Hope this is the beginning of a better relationship! Sometimes i still feel the pain but it is now lmuch less yhan before.. THANKS!


Alex 4 years ago

Hi,

I have been with my wife for 13 years and together for 18 years. We have 2 beautiful boys age 8 & 4. Around 14 months ago I found a letter in her hand bag by accedent. It had a lot of love and feeling messages, I for fronted my wife with and she told me that it was one of her girlfriend from work who need advice about to handles this situation. Because she was married and also involved with someone else..


Alex 4 years ago

With that said I had started to suspect my wife having an affair with someone else. Gave her the chance to come clean and tell me the truth on so many occasions and her answer was always the same (no). About December 2011 I found few emails going back and forth between her and one her work mate that they love each other so much and they can't wait to see each other. I was so angry and pissed off. With that said I spoke with her and she said that's he never meant for this to happen and she had no control over the this. I'm 39 she is 37 and this guy that she has been seeing for 12 months is 43 who recently just broke up with his girlfriend.

Since we have 2 kids and didn't want them to go throught the pain of having separated parents we have decided to seek counselling. We have attend counselling session for almost 5 months with no commentment from my wife to work on the relationship. Even the counceller said that I have made so much more effort in this relationship than my wife. Few weeks ago she told me that if I needed to know her answer if this going to work it would be No.

Since then she started seeking solisitors advice to split our assists and continue to come home after 9pm on her work days.

Deep inside I know that's she was with him and until now I still forgave her to what she did and still want her back in my life since I love her so much.

I know she is over me and she doesn't love me. I can't seem to move forward and since this started it has impacted me, work and my life. Don't know what to do and cant seem to get her out of my mind and the thought of her being with someone else is killing and destroying me. Please help. Please.

Alex.


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prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Alex, I know that is difficult for you.

Talk to her once and for all if there is no more chance, I know this is hard, but just let go. Is there an impending divorce? What did you talk about after the counseling, did she told you what is wrong with your relationship? Is there still a chance, if she is unwilling to move on with you, then it is a hopeless endeavor for you to continue to hope.

I know that it is difficult but then, you need to focus on your children and start talking to her, what is really going on. Don't be scared, be prepared about assets and the care of your children in the future just in case.

The most difficult thing is acceptance, but it is the reality, bitter pill to swallow. But I must tell you that if separation is indeed what she likes and she doesn't even want to try to work it out, one day you will thank her for it.

Love is really complicated, but there is a good thing that will happen to you out of this. Love yourself more. I hope that words can soothe your aching heart. Be strong for your children..


Alex 4 years ago

Ithank you for the feedback.

I have spoken to her on numerous times to show her how much I want her my my life and how important she is to me and my kids. She still wants to go ahead with the separation.

I haven't been able to eat or sleep over the past few days because she has been coming home late and I know deep in my heart that she is with her lover. That though is destroying me and can't keep it out my head.

The only women I loved in my whole entire life is cheating on me despite how much I have sacrificed for her she still trying to hurt me more.

Shes turning nasty and this morning she was threatening me to accept her proposal or she will have to go a head with her other options. That thought scarys me and I'm worried the she might issue me with an avo to get me out of the house. I am so lost and tired.

Why is this happening to me? Why


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Alex, let her go. I know it is painful but it will only get worse if you will cling onto her. Separation is always painful.

Think of ways for your immediate actions, avo - I don't know what is that? Think about your children first. It seems that she is determined already. Just let her go, I know one day I am telling you, you will thank her, but at the moment it is painful. Separation is always painful.

Never blame yourself, learn from it and I hope it is easier said than done, but try to move on. Don't dwell on it.

Many hugs and consolation for you.


Alex 4 years ago

I know it's easy said that done. Having said that I hope time will heal everything and move on with my life. Thanks again for your help.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Alex, you're welcome, love yourself more and of course your children!


Broken_Heart 4 years ago

Dear prettydarkhorse

Thanks for your article. However I am confuse now. Let me share my story with you. We are pakistani couple married for 1 year, it was love marriage and then it was arranged. When I went offshore for business work for 3 months, my wife started ignoring me and I used to crave to hear words from her..but she would say all the time that she has office work. I asked her many time if she wants to share anything with me...I didnt want to be a husband who do not give time to her wife....but she would say she is Ok..its not about between us but she needs some space. When i come back..her behavior was changed, but I again ignored...Eventually after 15 days..she said she has some party in the office, I said its ok if she go. But she didnt come till late night...when I was searching for her on the road where the party was..I saw her in compromising poses with a guy..I caught her there only, then she got scared and said she is drunk..its nothing between us...And she was asking me to forgive...After 1 month...I thought of forgiving her....Then after 2 months..Again my office sent me to offshore for 2 months....When I came back....I saw some messages...that any husband would never wants to see. This time she was very scared....and again begging at me to ask for forgiveness. This time I asked her to give me divorce....She gave me. Its been 1 year now that we are separated and she is been living in Lahore with parents and not here in USA anymore.....Now she is sending me emails everyday...Saying that she was mentally unhealthy and so she cant be blame, but she knows she made big mistakes by loosing trust. She also justifies that she wasnt behind sexual pleasure but friendship...but I dont agree since message I saw was totally erotic and doesnt seem that they are sent with love intentions. Infact this guy was ignoring her, and she was asking him to be in relation. So it means that guy after using her...wanted to live her...This puts my wife in very low level, because atleast in other exta-mariatal affair third person genuinely love the spouse. But here its not even that...So I guess she is behind the s*** pleasure...But She denied all the time...she said..She always wanted good friends...but I dont buy this. I asked her many time about our s** life..she never complaint, and I also dont think if there is any problem as such....Is she nymphomaniac ...if yes..will she change ever...as she is saying now?

My question is can I trust her third time, when she said... because now she is in her hometown ...and knowing her good culture again....She realized what she did....But she said the same think after I caught her first time....So my heart says this time she is genuinely realized but my mind says....given the same situation in future she would do the same thing again....Please help me...Thanks!


Alex 4 years ago

im sorry to say to you that once a cheat will always be a cheat. i have been thorugh the same thing myself and gave my wife 6 months to work on our marriage for our kids sake and she decide that she wants to end this marrige. my advice is to stay strong and leave her behind, if she really cared for you or loved you she wouldnt have done what she did.

goodluck.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Broken_Heart, Do you have children together? Cheating is always accompanied with denials and lying. She can't justify cheating, I think she wants to have other guys. Do you still love her?

You can try once more and that's it, but are you going to be together in one place?


Sheriberry101 4 years ago

this article has to be the most helpful thing i have read.it is really hard to find ways to help when someone you love with all your heart betrays you. i have been in love with my guy for over 2 years but somehow because of two bad months for us he slipped up with one of his girl-friends just yesterday. I didn't know what to say to him about it when he confessed it, i was so shocked. He is the first person that i think i have ever truly loved and i have been in plenty of relationships in the past but i never loved someone this much. My head wants me to forgive him since it was not like he slept with the girl but my heart, my heart tells me to scream in anguish and fury because i know a good part of the reason he did was because of me. He blames himself entirely, but in truth i know a good part of it all is because of me. I have clinical depression and i guess he hated feeling that he was powerless to help me, though i guess he didn't realize that the only reason i never went as far down as i have in the past is because of my love for him. I want us to work things out but i dont even know where to start.


Deceived 4 years ago

Hi Pretty Darkhorse,

Your article is great and it is exactly what I am going through right now, well it's been 9 months since I confronted him although in my heart and instincts, I knew he was up to something much earlier than that. His body language and hours spent online every night was a dead give away but what really triggered it off was the calls on his cell phone which he would take in private in the back yard. I looked into his messages in his phone while he was in the shower and to my horror, my suspicions were confirmed. He was also putting me down constantly during that time.

I am finding it extremely hard to move forward, the triggers are constant and the tears flow constantly. How can you possibly look at that person in their eyes and trust them again? The lies, secrets, deceit and humiliation of sharing intimate physical time together is nauseating. Please help me with some advice. I know he feels remorse as he has told me but it's too little too late. The text messages on his phone were so raw and very humiliating to me, his partner of 24 years.


Sarah88 4 years ago

Hi prettydarkhorse,

I found out my boyfriend and most recently finance of 8 years had been cheating on me for the past couple of years. I always had my suspicions because the lies/excuses were getting bad but one day it all came out and I found secret email accounts where he had signed up to online sex sites and was meeting up with other people. We were the couple that everyone thought would be together forever, nothing or noone could separate us. We are no longer together (this was a couple of weeks ago) but he is begging me for forgiveness and is truly sorry for what he has done. He has blamed a drug addiciton to ice which I didnt know about either, he hid everything so well, I didnt know the extent of all the lies.

Even after what he has done, I love him so much but dont know how I will ever overcome the betrayal and lies and the cheating. I dont know whether to blame the drug for his actions or whether thats another lie too. 8 years of solid relationship all down the drain..... do I make it work or would I be the world's biggest fool for taking him back? :(


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi Sherry Berry 101. A good sign is that he confessed to you, it means he cares about you. Keep on working on it and talk to him, be the best that you can and share your feelings. Acknowledge and do the things that will make your relationship become stronger. I would readily forgive him and put it aside and work for the best!

Take care!


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi Deceived.

This thing happens, infidelity that is. Keep on working on it. You caught his lies, did you talked heart to heart about it already? I guess but you can't forget it. I must tell you this, it happened to many people, including me. Tell him what is going on about your feelings and what are your emotions right now. Does he make an effort right now to help you you in bringing back the trust and love?

It really hurts but when you look that people commit mistakes you can easily understand it. Better said than done. Did your relationship improved already?


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Dear Sarah 88. Did he ever met the person he was talking to online? Addiction and infidelity are two both difficult problems. Have a heart to heart talk with him and tell him the things you want to happen. Like for example, you are willing to work things out but this will be the last chance for him. Eight years is long and he kept a secret to you for many years, that is tough and bitter thing to take in. But when you decide to move on, be positive and open your mind and heart to the possibility that things could get worst. Have a stand and be firm on what you would like to happen to your relationship.

Take care.


Nia 4 years ago

I'm a lesbian and my girlfriend/ex moved back to be with her ex!! She said its a life change for her but I had no choice but to get Hurt in the long run. My ex new girlfriend has her own house, car, and can help her get a job due to certain situations. She blames me for a lot of stuff like how I want her to depend on me, I always want her around me, just excuses after excuses for her to move on. She cheated on me a lot on a emotional level but now that she is with her ex it's pyscial level. I'm so hurt and I feel be trade, I keep blaming myself of what I should of did right but it's to late and now she fines! I know I will never forgive her and I'm so hurt. I call and call her she don't answer or she is being mean to me with a smile on her face!!! I feel stupid and hurt! I don't know I'm making myself sick!!!!!!


feelslikehell 4 years ago

Please, help me. i feel like i'm in hell and i don't know what to do. everyday i feel anger and pain, when i woke up and before i go to sleep i always think of revenge. i lost everything, faith to God, trust. it been almost 4 months but still i can't forget it.She told me the truth and i forgive her, but she didn't know that everyday is like a hell to me. i don't want her to see me suffering, i need to help my self, save my soul, cause everything that runs in my mind is revenge to that guy. I want him dead, but i know its wrong and i don't wanna be a bad guy, but this pain and anger is eating me.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi feelslikeshell

Revenge is not good, just think about it, this things happen and it is not your fault! You need healing and forgiveness and you can only do that if you realize that it even happens to the most powerful people on earth.

Yes it is so painful, but after sometime when you emerge from it, you will feel good! Take a break from her, if it is still troubles you. Healing begins when you accept that it did happen!

Please talk to her about it, if you forgave her, move on! Dwell on it and then you realize after sometime you forget it. Write a journal about it. Then go from there.

HUGS and I hope time can ease the pain! Again it is not your fault! :) :)


Messingitup 4 years ago

Hi,

I'm looking for some advise, my bf cheated on me with one of his work collegues about 6months into our relationship. I found out almost a year in. I was heart broken because he seemed so different to many other men and never thought he would do this to me. I went through all the signs you have talked about, denial, upset, anger etc... I chose to stay with him but I have struggled so much to forget about. The main reason is even though we are now in our 6th year of being together, she still works with him. He see's her, goes out to work things and she is there. He says he doesn't really talk to her but he has to be polite. It kills me inside. I trust him now but it's not the trust that's killing me, its the fact that she did this knowing who I was and she has got to move on with her life, had children, even got married and still gets to spend time with my bf as if nothing happened. Me on the other hand have struggled to keep my relationship together as I can't seem to let it go. I wish she would just leave and get out of his life for good. All I want is to be happy, get married and have children and all that I can see happening is he is getting more and more distant from me, tells me to stop putting pressure on him and just be normal. What is normal, I just don't know anymore. Why do I have so much anger for her still, I trust him, I love him but hate that all I seem to be doing is messing it up for me and she gets the fairytale ending! I'm slowly but surely cracking up, any advise welcomed?


Messingitup 4 years ago

Hi,

I'm looking for some advise, my bf cheated on me with one of his work collegues about 6months into our relationship. I found out almost a year in. I was heart broken because he seemed so different to many other men and never thought he would do this to me. I went through all the signs you have talked about, denial, upset, anger etc... I chose to stay with him but I have struggled so much to forget about. The main reason is even though we are now in our 6th year of being together, she still works with him. He see's her, goes out to work things and she is there. He says he doesn't really talk to her but he has to be polite. It kills me inside. I trust him now but it's not the trust that's killing me, its the fact that she did this knowing who I was and she has got to move on with her life, had children, even got married and still gets to spend time with my bf as if nothing happened. Me on the other hand have struggled to keep my relationship together as I can't seem to let it go. I wish she would just leave and get out of his life for good. All I want is to be happy, get married and have children and all that I can see happening is he is getting more and more distant from me, tells me to stop putting pressure on him and just be normal. What is normal, I just don't know anymore. Why do I have so much anger for her still, I trust him, I love him but hate that all I seem to be doing is messing it up for me and she gets the fairytale ending! I'm slowly but surely cracking up, any advise welcomed?


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi Messingitup, don't be mad at the woman. If your bf does not really love and care for you, he should have left you by now. I just think that you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Life is too short. It will create more space between you and your bf if you keep on living with what happened in the past. Even if that woman is not working for your bf, if they want to have an affair, they can do it.

You need to trust him, if not you will be always miserable and that is not the way to live. I seem to suspect that it is you who is struggling to have the faith and trust once more. Try to let go, be very busy. Even the most beautiful woman in the world can be cheated on. It is not you who cheated, plus it happened already. It should be in the past now.

Stop putting pressure on him, that is right, most men don't want to be pressured. Let him do his own thing, give him time for himself. He is yours, only up to the extent that you stop being paranoid.

It is painful yes, but this is all in the past now.Be the best woman for him by not nagging and questioning him always. Be beautiful because you want to. HUGS and I hope you let go of the past.


Happy again soon 4 years ago

Help! 6 months ago I found out that my boyfriend had a one night stand with someone we both work with. I have tried to forgive him and move on but I am really finding it difficult. He thinks that I should be back to 'normal' by now but I find it so hard facing it every day at work and feel like its so difficult to just forget and be happy. When he cheated we had been together for eight years and after I had experienced some difficult relationships in the past, I thought he was amazing. When he cheated I was going through a really tough period in my life as someone very close to me was being treated for cancer and I was completely there for him when this was reversed a couple of years ago. I am finding it really hard to trust him as he was not completely honest when I found out and hid various things from me even when he had looked me in the eye and promised me he was telling the truth. He maintains some of this was to protect me and to keep us together but I am finding this difficult. I also found some flirty messages to other women on his pc and he had even confided in them, saying we were having problems when he swore to me that relationship problems were in my head due to previous relationships, when I tried to fix it. Since I have found out he swears he wants to make it work and that he loves me but I am finding it do hard. I feel like I have unanswered questions but he says he was drunk and can't remember and just wants me to accept he's changed. It is on my mind all of the time and when I try to discuss it, he can sometimes get annoyed as he wants it to go away so we can move on and be happy. How long does this take or will it always feel this painful? Help :(


Messingitup 4 years ago

Thank you, you speak so much sense! Let's hope I can do this! X


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

You can do it, give us feedback ok! Take care!


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi Happyagainsoon, just like your namesake, I hope you will be happy again!!

First, let go of the past. If you decided to forgive him but you can't forget about it, work on it. These things happened and once you decided to accept him again, then it is unfair if you keep on nagging him about it. Your situation will just get worst if there is still doubt and he as well is not making it easier for you. List down the things which can make you stop suspecting him of doing it again and talk to him about it. If he really loves you, he will cooperate and will stop doing it.

It is difficult on your part yes, because you trusted him, but as I have said he asked for forgiveness and you accepted it.

For your own protection if you are sure that he is doing it again, then make up your mind, you deserve to be happy and that is no way to live - feeling sad always.

Make yourself beautiful, and be the best that you can for yourself, it feels good if you do that. A positive outlook is always good, not feeling you have a gloomy day always!

Good luck and give us some feedback. Take care!


Happy again soon 4 years ago

Hi. Thanks for your reply it makes perfect sense. I don't think he is doing it again I am just not sure that I have the full story and bothers me. I feel that I have been given a diluted version eg I asked him did he have her number and he said no. I had suspicions and got it from a colleague and put it into his phone and it was stored under a different name. When I asked to see his bills for proof it was a one off he was reluctant. When he finally gave in, I was able to see he had called her to give her the heads up that I knew and had called and text several times. Once was to even fake a message about her keeping it to herself in work which they had discussed without me knowing so he had to call her and arrange a fake message to show me when I asked him to ask her to please be discrete whilst we work it out. There were several small instances like this which has knocked my confidence in him. Things that he had not been truthful about and had hidden from me, came to light over several months and each time I felt it took me back to the start. I resent this as I feel that I would have made progress quicker if he had been honest from the start. You are right, I will try to move on and stop dragging up the past. Thanks again for your response.


lifes not a movie 4 years ago

Thank you for this article. I wont go into all the details, but this article really reminded me of a lot of things i had forgotten. After finding out i had been cheated on I felt ugly and undesireable. I was lost, but then you claimed that i should remember even pretty women and men are cheated on. Though i'll never know why people cheat, your article reminded me that I can't control others actions only my own. Thank you for this. I greatly appreciate it.


Safa 4 years ago

HI..

Looking for some advice..

I have been cheated too recently. But my story has a lil twist. My partner n me were happily commited for last 4 years. And a week back i get to know that he is already married since long and he has a kid of 3 months too now.

i feel miserable. i feel broke. i fee like ending my life. i sleep wid tears in my eyes. Wake up wid tears too.

My partner still says that i m his first priority and always have been. he says i mean to him before his family. Also says the reason y he had kept hidden was that he didnt wanted me to get hurt. i really cant decide shld i continue to keep in contact wid him or not? I knw i shld not. bt my heart is not ready to accept.

Pls help. How to i convince myself. How do i pass through this phase..


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

it is difficult, now you need to be on your own and test if you are ready to forgive him. Give time for yourself to be alone, then you decide. If you still can accept what he did after giving yourself time, then try to work things out and talk to him. I hope you can forgive what happened, forgetting is not an option, but you can minimize thinking about it.

Good luck!


Charles 4 years ago

Hi, I am American living in phillipines. Long story short, I had gf here that went with sister and met another foreigner and cheated on me. The crazy part is I was first man to ever be with her. It cut me to the bone. We have separated one and a half years now, and while I go long periods of forgetting about it, for some reason all the sudden the pain came back. I have a wonderful woman now, and she deserves to see me at my best. How do I bury this deceit once and for all? Thanks in advance for reply


rabbit85 4 years ago

i married more than 2years and we are together almost 6 years.my married was not so good in the last 2 years and i having an affair with other man almost 1 year by texts and chat...my husband came back to his country to find jobs and settle before i come there.the guys who i having affair with,he came to me for 2 months and we had great time together.my husband found out and we having the most hard time in our life now to make decision that either stay or leave.i told him about cheating but not about the person who i cheat with.i hurt my husband very bad and his family.i don't know if there is any chance for us to get back together.i have scare feeling to live without him because we have been so long together.but i don't know if i can face to him and his family anymore.i feel so embarrass.should i tell him about the person who i have cheat with?because i told him that just was random guy for couple days and mean nothing to me which hurt him bad enough.I'd afraid that if i tell him more then there is nothing to save my married anymore.and i don't know if the other is good enough for me to leave my married.i'm so stuck and don't know what to do.

please advise me

thanks


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi Charlie, There is no fast ways in forgetting specially if you were sincere and you did your best. You can choose to make it lighter on your side by remembering not to remember by telling yourself, "why would I spend time reminiscing about things and love in which the person I gave my love to was unfaithful to me". You choose to do it and look at the brighter side of your current relationship. It is done and over with, tell that to yourself. And you must be thankful she did it already instead of more years wasted :)

How's Philippines? I miss it. Take care.


Charles 4 years ago

Thanks for reply, yeah one thing am doing now is quit feeling sorry for myself and joined a gym, also on a diet to gain 30 pounds of muscle mass, so I know this will make me sharp. This will also help me build my business, and so that is bonus. Philippines is great, also I found a great article at askmen.com on how to get over a girlfriend, and u know that people here gossip (haha) so when I am successful and ex finds out (and she will) and I have my beautiful girlfriend next to me that is the best revenge of all. She will wonder the rest of her life what she missed. truth is, no one builds a good marriage based on 2 cheaters and liars so I need to not waste my time thinking about them. Thanks again great hub


broken heart 4 years ago

I was cheated on several months ago I have really tired to get over it but it is very hard when the girl he cheated on me with is always wal king by my house every day wearing very revealing clothesand that starts the fights all over again how do I move on when that is a constant reminder of what he did to me

Signed

Broken heart


Charles 4 years ago

Hey broken heart, I would say if the guy is still with you you may want to think hard about sending the guy out of ur house or even moving. Are u married? Kids? If so that could be tough. U deserve better. I had cheating girlfriend so I know it hurts bad, but take some comfort in knowing u did nothing wrong, and what goes around comes around


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi Broken Heart, since you accepted him again and perhaps trying to move on with him and get past the cheating, then try to focus your energy on more worthwhile things about yourself. Don't go outside your house when she is there. she is winning if you are affected. Try to concentrate more on yourself, you can't do anything if he will cheat again.

Like Charles above, forgetting takes time and perhaps time will make you laugh at it. it is not your fault that he cheated, don't be difficult on yourself.

:) Take care, you have a beautiful self.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi Charles, hope you were not affected by the earthquake there.

Thanks for visiting this hub.

You said about revenge, the best revenge is moving on and having a good life, not because you like to become spiteful but for your own sake.

Take care and when is the wedding? :) :)


Charles 4 years ago

Very true prettydarkhorse, u know when I started working out again, all the sudden my biz is getting better. Every time those thoughts of ex come up, I go for walk or watch motivational videos etc. I refuse to let that heartless b*&ch run my life for future hahahaha. I guess the reason it really cut me is my ex wife in USA did same thing, but that involved my son, biz etc. I saw the other day a quote that makes sense "when your going through hell, keep going"


Charles 4 years ago

Thanks prettydarkhorse, it was shaking good here but not affected. No wedding plan yet, taking my sweet time. Will NOT go through same again


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Charles, taking your time is good, in the meantime, don't lose hope and continue believing in true love. I am glad you found it!! ;)


Charles 4 years ago

Thanks for the encouraging words. One thing I realized is that I will not let past circumstances control me. My ex wife in USA did same thing. And pouring all your heart into someone needs to be done with caution. My favorite quote now is "Dont find yourself, create yourself" Loving yourself first is important, and realizing that having moral values is not bad even if some others think nothing of it. For all the people that have the urge to cheat, SPARE the other persons heart and break it off first. Don"t leave their mind imagining the other person in a bed with the one that they thought loved them.

I believe what goes around comes around, so u need to be careful


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi Charles, how are you? Kumusta?

"Dont find yourself, create yourself" I like that. All you said are spot on, if only all people are like you, but then there are some who choose the other way. It is being selfish.

Kharma they say is always around like what you say.

BTW, how are you enjoying your stay in the beautiful Philippines? Are you staying there for good? Take care.


Charles 4 years ago

Hi prettydarkhorse, yeah I think anyone that cheats is a scumbag. No morals, and hate when people say they made "mistake" no locking your keys in the house is a mistake. Thats why am taking my time now. I guess the good news is people like this typically live miserable lives. hahahaha

Any way Phil is great, love it. I am here for good, and I go to USA a few months a year. Dont know if current relationship will work, but have learned NOT to pour myself in till I see the signs that wont go through deceit again. Also, better to be friends first and discover who you are with.:)


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Right, take your time and enjoy the Philippines. Don't lose hope with true love :-)

BTW, you can write here at HubPages if you want.

Are you in the Southern part? Do you know the local language now?


Charles 4 years ago

I have a hub pages account. I am in Mindanao, have picked up some of language. Did not lose hope for true love, as u know a lot of the girls here feel obligated to take care of their family first, and the foreign guys know this so people like my ex sell there body basically. The funny part? She is with this guy now and the family doesnt even know its same guy she cheated on me with. It will eventually eat her alive when gets older, and she will live a long unhappy life.

Not me, I work out daily, my biz is booming and feel better about ME everyday. All in all it was a blessing she did that. Anytime a thought comes in my head about her, I write articles or go for a walk, exercise etc. My mom taught me to always keep my values no matter how hard it is to do. So I know someone out there has those same values of faithful, loyal,trusting and integrity. Best way to find it is stop looking and let it come to you.

Cheers:)


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prettydarkhorse 4 years ago from US Author

Hi Charles, sorry for responding late.

I am glad you are realizing that it is a useless time devoting yours to her, including any thoughts etc. Kharma is in the corner, as they say.

I am happy also that you are learning the language there, BTW what is your username here at HP, so that I can like your hubs.

Continue improving yourself for your own good and since you have good kharma, you can find the true love of your life :-)


Wilfred 3 years ago

I and my girlfriend brokeup just because i could not tolerate seeing her hanging out with guys that she claims to have nothing with but call them just mere friends.

I could not take it anymore because i love her so much and though am jealous seeing other guys around her, i need her to understand that and respect that as well. But reverse was the case. she told me she was tired and could not continue, she complains that i dont trust her so how sure our relationship would lead to marriage.

I was so devastated and could not lose my love just for my selfish reasons. so i found this spell lady online who then did a love spell to bring her back and made our relationship more closer than ever and even more happier. The spell lady did help my life, my job because i could not focus on anything, and even brought my lover back in to my life.

The spell lady email is priestessifaa@yahoo.com, her spell is more powerful than i can ever imagine.


**sigh** 3 years ago

I'm only 19 years of age and my bf (almost 25) and I of 2 years have a gorgeous little baby boy. however, I recently found out by going thru his phone what he's been going home by 1 of his ex-coworkers after he's done wit work, wen, he should b coming home 2 our son and I. what really hurts is that he got me pregnant @ 18 on purpose because I was going 2 leave after a year, begged me 2 keep the baby, he wants us 2 b a family and he loves me and he's never felt so sure about anything in his life before. I put my life on hold, haven't gone out wit friends in a year or anywhere really, had 2 put doing my degree on hold all 2 give him a baby because I also wanted us 2 have a family.......but it hurts, it hurts alot. I find myself just holding onto my son and bursting down in tears. my heart honestly aches, I feel lost, depressed, hurt, angry, I honestly feel like I can't go on anymore. He says that he doesn't care and that he doesn't owe me an explanation. The only thing that still has me going and trying 2 stay strong is my son......**in tears............sigh** I'm fedup of constantly being hurt!


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prettydarkhorse 3 years ago from US Author

You have to move on if he does not care about what you feel, then he does not love you. You are still young, beautiful and you deserve a better life than that. Do you have any support system like family and friends there? Take care and be strong for your son.


modayear 3 years ago

You don't just give away forgiveness or trust until that cheater has earned it!


modayear 3 years ago

Did he come clean right away? Or did he continue to lie time after time until the truth finally came out?

Did he show true remorse for his betrayal of your trust? And did he show repentance? Or did he try to just apologize and then assume that you two would move on in your relationship as though it didn't ever happen?

Did he ever do all the right things to try to re-gain your trust? Did he beg for forgiveness? Did he promise he would never contact this woman again? Or that he would never cheat again?

Is he allowing you full access to his phone, facebook, etc. any time you want? There has to be complete transparancy and you have to have full control and all the time and room you need to heal before you can ever even begin to heal. You wouldn't have needed this full control before, but you do now.

You don't just go back together and start trusting him again right away - that's not how it works, no matter how many people want to tell you that it is. He broke your trust, now he has to earn it back.

Think of it this way - he broke the bank. So, you decide to give it another go, let's say there was $100 in that bank (your trust). He's only going to be able to gain that back pennies at a time. It's going to take a very long time. Both of you are going to have to understand that. Especially him.


savannahh 3 years ago

About a month ago I found out through a facebook message that my bf of about 4 years had cheated on me for 10 months. We were high school sweethearts. The girl that told me was friends with the girl he cheated on me with. I never saw it coming, no our relationship wasn't perfect and we had fights but when he wasn't in virginia for work (he is a firefighter and works 12 hour shifts) during the week, he tried to spend every second possible with me. He was always like that and it was sort of an issue we had a fight about once-that he was sort of up my ass. I had suspicion after a text i saw where he proceeded to delete the entire conversation and lie right to my face (its a longer story than that but i'll spare the details). He said he would never even have time to cheat on me because he was too tired when he wasn't working. When i finally asked him if he cheated or not after this girl messaged me he gave in and said yes and that it was only 3 times-he just knew the girl for 10 months. I am heartbroken, sad, pissed, depressed, and I cannot stop thinking about it, about them together. I loved him and still do because he is my first real boyfriend and my, well, first. Sorry if that's TMI but it's sort of important. I feel like I'm never going to get over him. We have of course talked since and had some arguments but I couldn't help not being mad when talking to him.

It bothers me that I don't know what he's doing everyday or who he's hanging out with, I can't help but check his facebook to see what he's doing. I know I am young and we weren't married but it still hurts, I still love him and will for awhile I assume. We had most of our future planned out and I just feel like my world has fallen out from beneath me. When it first happened he was obviously so sorry and he would never do it again and he would do anything to be with me even go to counseling (he is 21 years old) and would change because he sees what this has done. Now after we have done some arguing since and he sent me roses which I threw away, he said he has changed which I don't believe, and seems like he is happy according to what I see on the social media-I guess he still loves me it might just be the fact that its a social website and guys dont put their feelings out there too often. It just bothers me so much but I can't help but look at it almost everyday. Just the other night he was out until 3am and had an "awesome time" and that scares the hell out of me because I wasn't with him. I just hope it gets better. This happened to me more recently than the other comments i've read so if you have any tips for right now they would be greatly appreciated. Otherwise I thank you for this page because I'm sure I will be coming back to it a lot.


SimplyConfused 3 years ago from Illinois

PrettyDarkHorse,

As I see 14months ago, I reached out to this forum because I was cheated on by my then fiance. An update, he cheated again and actually left me and our three children for thise other woman who knew he had a family. This was my breaking poing. I didnt have much saved up, but i packed my belongings and I left. He didnt bother to call me or my oldest son who is 10 to see if his kids were ok for a whole 2months. I have been single now for 8 months and I am happy with my decision to leave! In December he wanted to work things out with me, but I could not see myself going back with him. I have him 13 years of my life and he only cheated and cheated. He doestn help me financially with mour children and Isees them a few times aevery frew months. He claims its all my fault because i should have stayed adn watited for him to come back home because according to him, when you love someone you wait and you stand by their side de no matter what. Now I am seeking childsupport so that I can live comfortabley with my children.

When I first left, I was depressed, I missed a week of work, my youngest who was only a few months old, was having seizures and was always in the hospital. My oldest started acting out and I had to put him in counceling and my daughter thinks daddy and mommy will get back together. I was so depressed i felt as if my life was OVER, but my children reminded me I had to bbe strong FOR THEM... Im still fighting issues with my new living status, but I am happy now. No more crying mysellf to sleep or wondering where he is at or whos hes cheating with next. I want to say thank you for having this forum for people to vent and get advice! You ROCK!


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prettydarkhorse 3 years ago from US Author

Simply Confused,

I am happy for you. Stay beautiful and don't look back. Just keep on looking forward. Best. Give him a chance to be with his children. Hope you get the financial support you needed from him.


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prettydarkhorse 3 years ago from US Author

Savannah, I think both of you are still young. I know you love him, give him a chance to correct what he did. After some time you will know if he is serious with it. I can't give a time frame though. Concentrate on your studies, if you are still studying or working. Just gow ith the flow and stop snooping around and checking on what he is doing. he will change if he really loves you and if not then it is his loss. Make yourself beautiful for your own sake. Best.


savannahh 3 years ago

Thank you :)


Gennifer Anderson 3 years ago

Hi My name is Gennifer Anderson just want to share my experience with you on how i got my love back and saved my marriage, so that you can also get back your lover into your life okay.I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time... it got worse at a point that she filed for divorce... I tried my best to make her change her mind & stay with me cause i loved her with all my heart and didn't want to loose her but everything just didn't work out... she moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce... I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful, great spell caster who eventually helped me out... I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice... He did special prayers and used roots and herbs... Within 7 days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma she had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child...I have introduced him to a lot of couples people and also the young once who are involve in relationship with their problems across the world. so him me and help so many of my friends help me to thank him is a great man. i want you to contact this man so that HE CAN GIVE YOU MORE advice on how to get back your boyfriend and that you can still be together Email:templeoflove1@yahoo.com


Anonymous 3 years ago

I just wanted to express my gratitude and appreciation to prophet salifu on bringing my husband back to me,I was married for 9 years to my husband and all of a sudden, he started seeing another lady at work.he started hailing at me and he was abusive.. and he stop careing for me, but I still loved him with all my heart .the situation made me unsettle and not to focus at work .so someone told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster? i did not listen to her . i kept on hoping that my husband will come back home . after a month it got out of hand and my husband came back home to break the news to me that he want a divorce that he is getting married to the other lady .Hmmm it was so shocking to me ,i felt sad and depressed ,so i contacted my friend again and decieded to try to use spiritual means reluctantly..although I didn't believe in all those things? I never thought in a million years that i will get my husband back to me a again. but I was proved wrong.after 2days, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn't believe it that we are back together. Prophet salifu remained consistent and kind throughout and made the process unbelievable I am deeply satisfied and thankful .if in doubt you should email him at prophetsalifu@yahoo.com or prophetsalifu@gmail.com


Zou 17 months ago

Recently, my boyfriend started drinking heavily and we always argue about his drinking as he no longer pays attention to our relationship. 2 weeks ago I found out that he is cheating on me and he started the affair in January 2015....still wondering why he is doing this to us after 3 years of nothing but love and commitment. He has changed completely, recently he lies so much and he denies that he is cheating. I communicate with the person he is cheating with and she confirms that they met in January 2015 and had slept twice but still my boyfriend says the girl is lying, he says I should trust and listen to him not to other people....I wanna break-up with him but it breaks my heart when he start telling me that I am the only one he wanna be with...I still love him so much#heartbroken and confused.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 17 months ago from US Author

Lying and cheating go together. I think that you will be hurt more if you keep on believing him.


SimplyConfused 17 months ago from Illinois

PrettyDarkHorse,

I want to update you on my life. 3 years ago, I stumbled onto this article and told you about my "fiancé" cheating on me. While I was pregnant with our third child. Long story short, I tried to work things out with him, but 8 month later, he cheated AGAIN! He cheated with a woman from his job who knew about my children and me.

Scared, heartbroken, devasted, I wanted to die. I couldn't believe my 13 year relationship to the man I loved, admired, and lived to impress and catered to, ended that way. I got the courage to leave him. It was hard. To leave my luxury lifestyle in a quiet suburb to go live with family in the hectic city of Chicago, was very HARD for me, and my children.

My ex tried to get back with me, I allowed him to manipulate me once again. This time, we didn't get back together, I just allowed him to come sleep with me, act like a family with my kids, and then he would leave... this went on for a while. Until this year, January, I had enough. I cut all ties with him. Him and I agreed on days out the week for him to get the children and it works perfectly fine. I am not over him 100% but I don't miss him, don't need him.

Alot if us stay, for fear that we can't provide a good life for our children. I had absolutely no financial or emotional support from anyone. But thankfully, I been at my job all these years and I am capable of providing for my 3 children. It's hard at times, but I am at peace. If I can do it, ANYONE can!

Update on my ex. He's 30 years old, lives in his mother's house, and has since been dating around. I guess it didn't last with the girl from work. I pray he finds what he is looking for, as we have 3 children together. He parties every weekend and feels he is enjoying his life with not much responsibilities. At first I was MAD AND HURT... why can he enjoy life while I bust my a** working and making ends meet for OUR children. But prayer really helps. And i realized, I was not the problem, he was. He's lost, he's looking for something in every female and until he gets the help he needs, he will never be happy.

As far as my love life... I am happily single and am an amazing mother who devotes my time to my job and children. I take better care of me now and I am proud of the comfortable life I am providing for my children.

Thank you for this thread and article. Some of us have NO ONE and being able to get advice and read others stories is very inspiring and helpful! Looking forward to reading more and more of your articles!

SimplyConfusedNoMore!


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 17 months ago from US Author

I am happy for you. HUGS, and I am glad you still have a job, and find your life again. I know you are a good woman and a mom. Cheers and enjoy a beautiful life ahead.

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