10 (or More) Things a Man Should Never Ask a Woman

Leah Remini
Leah Remini
Isn't she lovely?
Isn't she lovely?

Women are terrific

(NOTE: I know that you are weary of my hubs that are women-related. Right, guys? Well, I can be flexible. I can be compromising. So with this explanation, I present to you the last women-based hub for a while. I just had to get this one published so I would have a clear conscience. Thank you all. Kenneth).

Women, don’t us guys love them. I will not lie. Yes! I believe I have proven this point clearly and without any doubt. In fact, I praise God Jehovah for creating women, which was one of His finest works. I am not being cute, but very truthful.

If I wanted to, and I am not boasting, I could write and excessively-lengthy hub about the characteristics, attributes and all of the things I, and all men, love about females, but out of respect for the HubPages editors and the (much-appreciated) women friends/followers I have been blessed with on HubPages, I am going to present a moderately-worded piece so everyone connected to my life will be happy. (Such a nice way to “butter-up” the editors of HubPages to get this hub chosen as Hub of The Week).

Yvonne Craig
Yvonne Craig

Thank you, Father, for women

I mentioned God in this story as well as a lot of my stories, for I mean to give Him the respect that He deserves. But to be honest, when He made me, he did not give me the bravery of Daniel Boone, King David of Israel, or even Bruce Wayne a/k/a, Batman. I used to beat myself up for my lack of courage* but not anymore. I am learning to accept “me” for what and whom I am.

Is this an easy task? Are you kidding me? No, it is not. This world is no place for men such as myself—living with no courage, bravery and afraid of our very shadows. Men, let me ask you, “Would you like to live like this?” I do not think so.

Oh, how I admire members of Seal Team Six, the brave guys who took care of the international murderer, Osama bin Ladin, whose demented thinking took out over 3,000 innocent souls on Sept. 12, 2001, at 8:45 a.m. (EDT). Do you think for one moment that I could survive the rigorous SEAL training, much less being a member of this truly-elite SEAL team, SealTeam Six, which is respectfully-called, “The Best of The Best?” No. A thousand times, no.

This is what happens when guys ask girls some or all of the questions in this hub

I have always been fearful

Even as a boy growing up in rural northwest Alabama, having to depend on someone older to always fix my used bicycle when the chain would pop-off or go to school to talk to my first-grade teacher, Mrs. Gertrude Ballard about some older boys beating me like a drunken sailor who had lost his temper. Yes, that pretty much explains why I have so many scars on my soul as well as the dark memories of those frightful days.

Do you want to hear an embarrassing confession, one that I have never shared with you? Okay. I recall one Christmas when I was seven, that my aunt Etta, one of my dad’s sisters, a very nice lady, so soft-spoken, asked me in my grandparents’ house, “Are you ready for Santa Clause, Kenny?”

“Who?” I cried. Literally. “Santa. You know, Kenny, the fat man with a red coat who sneaks down the chimney each Christmas Eve and leaves us pretty presents?” She explained and the more she explained the louder I bellowed, which caught the attention of my dad and mom who were in the living room. They ran to where I was cleaving to Aunt Etta shaking like a leaf in a breezed crying my eyes out.

Erin Andrews
Erin Andrews
Erin Andrews on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Erin Andrews on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Barbara Parkins
Barbara Parkins

Getting laughed-at by family isn't fun

“What is the matter with you, son?” My dad asked with total-surprise.

“Ahhh, Austin. I told him about Santa Clause and it scared him,” Aunt Etta said, somewhat stunned at me being scared.

Then my dad, mom and Aunt Etta, broke down in laughter and assured met that Santa was not a killer out to take me out of the world. Now. Have you ever heard of such fear?

To make my point. There are certain things in this world that men should do. And there are things that men shouldn’t do.

Here is a brief list of Things That Men Should Do . . .

  • Be loyal to their girlfriends and wives.
  • Respect their girlfriends and wives, and children if any are in their families.
  • Be good to animals.
  • Be kind to the elderly.
  • Respect our flag and the laws of the land.
  • Do the best job possible at their workplaces.
  • Pay their bills on time.
  • Live as soberly as possible to set a good example for their children.
  • Work to be a good neighbor, friend, and employee.

Do you agree with the items on this list?

And sadly, there is another thing that mature men should not do---actually there are--

Serious Question:

" . . . Guys, one more question. And I am serious. Take a good look at all of the lovely ladies on this hub and ask yourself: "Do I want to ask these gorgeous girls one or any of the stupid questions in this story . . .or, do I just want to appreciate them and do all that I can to keep them happy? . . ."

An angry woman is a hurt woman
An angry woman is a hurt woman
Tennis beauty
Tennis beauty
Yvonne Craig
Yvonne Craig
Erin Andrews
Erin Andrews
Jessica Alba
Jessica Alba
Jayne Mansfield
Jayne Mansfield

10 (or More) Questions That a Man Should Never Ask a Woman

  1. “When you were growing up, was your nickname “Porky?”
  2. “My buddy who set me up with you on this blind date said for me to ask you, “Is that over-bite so bad that you could bite an apple through a picket fence?”
  3. “Is there anymore at home who are NOT like you?”
  4. “Before we go to dinner, let me ask, “You do not have a veracious appetite do you?”
  5. “You told me on the phone last night that you were 22, do you want to tell me the truth right now?”
  6. “Whew! What an awful smell. Oh, I’m sorry. Is that your breath?”
  7. “Are you afraid that I will come on to you tonight? Well, don’t!”
  8. “Oh, you went to a dog show last month, as an observer or participant?”
  9. “Please tell me, do you happen to have a good-looking girlfriend who is not busy tonight?”
  10. “Sweetie, are you aware that your pantyhose have wrinkles? Oh, sorry. You are not wearing pantyhose.”
  11. “You have a lot of boyfriends? No? Well, being a spinster is no sin.”
  12. “Hey, I lost 20 pounds on this new diet that I found. Would you please ask me to let you use it?”
  13. “Did I ask you if you were bored? Gee, no. I asked you to please stoop down in the floorboard when we go through town.”
  14. “Does your family use you as a scarecrow to scare people at Halloween?”

SPECIAL NOTE: Now that you have hopefully read the most-serious questions to NOT ask a woman, let tell you, guys, if you are so stupid as to ask your new girlfriend, wife, or blind date any of these questions, here are just a few things that will happen to you:

  • You will get cursed out in front of others.
  • You will receive a butt whipping from your girlfriend.
  • Be ready to duck, for she will throw anything that is not nailed down at you.
  • If you are riding in her car, you will be asked to get out—while the car is moving.
  • Her friends and family will forever seethe with hatred when your name is mentioned.
  • Her brothers and uncles will track you down and well, you do not need me to tell you what will happen.
  • Have you ever been around a girl who is suddenly psycho?
  • The dinner you have bought her, will fly across the table and land in your face. Hope you can stand hot chili.

And the worst thing . . .

She will tell all of her girlfriends (some are beauties too) about how cruel you are and you might as well get used to living a few years like a monk.

More by this Author


Comments 12 comments

Brite-Ideas profile image

Brite-Ideas 2 years ago from Toronto, Canada

lmao! Dare I say you nailed the 10 things to do and not to do! hahaha - here are a few to add to your to-do list; the dishes, the laundry, and general housework, my hubby is great at those things - and he cooks dinner (apparently we women think a man is very attractive when he's washing dishes) :) - but those are things to do not say of course, compliments are nice but sarcasm is a ton of fun too!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

LOL! Brite-Ideas!

Thank you, dear friend, for the sweet compliment. I agree with you. I should have added what YOU wrote in your comment. You are one blessed girl to have a husband like this, willing to help.

I confess that I do that too in my home, but not because it looks sexy. I am a neat freak. Not as bad now as I used to be.

A lot of my old friends would never lift a finger to wash a dish, sweep a floor, etc. they swore it was woman's work. They are not in my life anymore.

If I mess up a plate eating, I feel that I should clean it and no woman should have to do it All.

I am to thankful to have found you on HP. You are a good friend and super-talented writer.

Keep it up and keep in touch.

ME.


Ericdierker profile image

Ericdierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

Hilarious as usual. I have had a few hide under the dashboard --- but that was because they did not want to be seen with me.


sheilamyers 2 years ago

I was laughing at both the questions and the woman's reactions. I'd have to say that, although I was laughing, most women would respond that way.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Eric,

LOL. Are you really a successful author and stand-up comic? I so admire your razor-sharp wit. Honest. Thanks for the reversal of my question to the girl. I never thought that a reverse would work, but you made it work. Thanks.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest sheilamyers,

Thank you so kindly for your reaction and sweet words. You are right. Women would react like this.

But seriously, are there ANY guys who would truly ask a gorgeous lady these questions?

Hey, why don't you wrote a rebuttal hub to this one and name it: "A Lady's Response to The 10 Things to Never Ask a Woman," and I would comment first.

I mean it.

Thanks again.


vkwok profile image

vkwok 2 years ago from Hawaii

I'd be very surprised if there was someone dumb enough to ask those kinds of questions. Thumbs up!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

vkwok,

Thanks, my good friend, for the comment. I hate to disagree with your thought, but YES, there ARE some guys who do not think things out before they ask a lady some questions.

I just worked hard at none being one of these guys.


Alli Rose profile image

Alli Rose 2 years ago from Washington, DC

Lol, I really liked this, you did a great job.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Alli Rose,

THANK YOU, DEAR HEART, for this nice comment. You really made my day, night and week. God bless you.

I do not know if you follow me or not, but I personally invite you to be one of my followers. I would love that.

And you keep up the fine work. I know that I have read some of your hubs.

And stay in touch.


Sweets21 profile image

Sweets21 2 years ago

Hello again Kenneth! It's been a long while since I've been on HubPages and I'm happy to say that this hub is the first I read in over a year. I loved it! It made me laugh and I can't wait to read more!


no body profile image

no body 2 years ago from Rochester, New York

I have learned that priorities are important. No one should say to their wife, "You are in the mood for sex? okay just let me walk the dog first." I love your hubs, Ken. Voted up and funny. Bob.

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