25 Reasons Why I Simply Could Not Be Happy Living Alone

Note: this piece is lovingly-dedicated to my friend, Catherine Giordano, whose own hub, “25 Reasons Why I Like Living Alone,” gave me the inspiration to write this somewhat comical-response. Thank you, Catherine. Kenneth.

Remember the term, “Macho Man,” that was very hot in the 70’s? I do. This phrase even served to give the “Village People,” an iconic-group of that era, a hit song by the same name. But thanks to that powerful-magic called “curiosity,” some guys took the term way too-literal and commenced to spewing to their girlfriends and wives, “Hey, gal. I run this home. Get used to it.” If this male attitude wasn’t asinine enough, these same men started entering tough, grueling “Ironman Triathlons,” that are true tests of men’s physical and mental endurance just so if they win (by some miracle), women will lust after them and men will be envious of them.

THE INSANITY OF MACHO MEN

Besides the “Ironman Triathlons,” that “the” men who were too out-of-shape and not wise enough to leave these events to the young men, started flocking to male-based films starring Chuck Norris, Howie Long and other Kung Fu experts and ex-professional athletes, to secure their identification with “real” men. The macho men who rewrote the meaning of the word; “confidence.” Men who are adored and admired by males and females alike.

I tried being “macho,” and failed as miserably as if I had chosen to swim from Miami to France. In the sad, dark, and depressing months afterward, I learned that I am not “just” a mortal man, but a less-than-average man. It’s the truth and I am not hurt to tell you this flaw about myself. And as for living alone, here are my

25 Reasons Why I Simply Cannot Be Happy Living Alone

1.) I do not know how to organize, balance our checkbooks, and pay our bills.
2.) I can barely cook to keep myself from starvation. (cooking canned goods not counted.)
3.) I hate being by myself alone at night with all of the crime going on in our town.
4.) I cannot change the sheets on our bed, but I can make-up the bed. (which does not count.)
5.) I cannot be trusted with cash. My wife fears that I might trade for an antique vehicle.
6.) When I clean house, I leave more of a mess than I clean to begin with.
7.) I do not know how to correctly dispense my day and nighttime medications.
8.) I would miss my wife when it came to sharing things on my laptop with her.
9.) I would miss singing-along with a song we both like.
10.) I would miss sitting outside underneath our shade trees with her.
11.) My wife hides things so "she" will know where they are, but if I have to find them, I fail "right out of the chute."
12.) Breakfast is my favorite meal. And yes, my wife cooks our breakfast from scratch. I would have to live on Pop-Tarts.
13.) We watch Headline News with Robin Meade, but me by myself? I would watch SportsCenter on ESPN.
14.) Getting birthday cards and gifts for our grandkids is my wife's job. I would be lost if I had to do this job.
15.) My wife bakes cakes for church activities, so if I were alone, I would have to take a store-bought cake.
16.) My wife helps with conversations with certain people who visit. If I were to face this, I would not answer my door.
17.) Telling my wife corny jokes and one-liners is fun for me, but if I am alone, that would have to stop.
18.) I depend on my wife for a lot of things and I have told her this many times. Me? Happy living alone? Not on your life.
19.) I am not one to call friends seven days a week, for they have lives. So that leaves me talking to myself.
20.) When I do a project for my wife, I want her to be proud, but if I were alone, who would tell me, "Nice work?"
21.) Living by myself would force me to be extra-busy to fight the lonliness. I hate being more busy than I am now.
22.) I cannot visit my neighbors that much, otherwise they would get bored with my company.
23.) My name, Kenneth, is not a hermit name. If I were (a) "Quence," "Digger," or "Scruffy," then I would feel as if I were a hermit.
24.) I hate to shop alone--for groceries, clothing, shoes and someone's birthday presents.
25.) I would grow weary of people asking, "Why don't you find yourself a good woman and get married?"

I think I've proven my point.

Note: Caterine, I know that this piece is not as hilarious as yours, but I feel good at knowing that I gave it my all.