When You Really Want That Someone Back in Your Life. Healing Heart Break and Heart Ache. Finding Lost Joy Past the Pain

All romantic relationships suffer periodically from “emotional blowups”. Depending upon the personalities involved, they usually feature raised voices, name calling, grave statements about lost love, infidelity, lack of commitment, a paucity of affection or coldness and indifference, crying and accusations. How much this happens has much to do with whether the relationship is worthy of work and repair.

Whether the relationship is new, fairly established or long term these kinds of events have a way of shaking up both partners. When they are over, both parties know they can’t just go “back to normal” without a rapprochement.

In international relations a “rapprochement”, which comes from the French word rapprocher ("to bring together"), is a re-establishment of cordial relations. I use it hear because sometimes those big arguments require a kind of a plan to get back together, an idea of who is going to call first, a sense of :

“Awe Oh. This is going to be a Hard One to get over!”

That's what people say to themselves when the pain keeps on hurting and the regret keeps pulsating and the "IF ONLYS" just won't stop coming round and round.

1) Measure the Emotional Toll

2) Make an Internal Assessment

3) Take Time for Healing

4) Have a Meeting of the Minds

5) Shake Hands on it

1) Measure the Emotional Toll – After the anger and hurt have subsided a bit, a person who respects themselves and honors the relationship will do some good hard work. There are many things that do pass into the blowing wind after an argument, but there are some real difficult and painful statements that have laid their heavy hand on people’s hearts. There is real emotional harm that takes place, most often on both sides -- that does cause sometimes deep psychic pain. Let alone the self esteem, the sense of the value of the relationship and the vague foreboding that all of this emotional hurt can’t keep happening without and end coming.

It may sound daunting and discouraging, but you really need to ask: How much is this hurting me: long term, short term. How much pain am I ignoring while I keep on trying to tell myself that everything is really OK? Often times, measuring the emotional toll tells you that it is destructive and expensive and if you ignore this it will keep on hurting and get worse.

2) Make an Internal Assessment – How much of my life’s and mind’s resources are being spent trying to make this work? Again, sometimes the answer is not that bad. You look things over and decide the internal assessment comes up as a PLUS. Other times this kind of mental work leads you to a more conclusive answer. “Our fights, especially because they remain “unfixed” is marking my life negatively in many ways."

3) Take Time for Healing – One of the reasons a "reasonable amount of time passing" usually works is because as the sages say: “Time Heals all Wounds”. And there is truth here. Let the natural perspective that Healing and Forgiveness provide cover a “multitude of sins”. This gives perspective. Because now, all of your previous work will take its proper place in the terrain of your heart, the territory of your soul, the map of your mind. When Healing Time leaves you still with the sense that real work needs to be done with your relationship, then you know you are on a good path.

4) Have a Meeting of the Minds – The term “intervention” Is de riguer and has forceful meaning. When you come together, make it kind and respectful, but formal. I address this as a step that makes an attempt not only to normalize, but to bring renewal, a new balance. You want to sit down at the table comfortably so that you can rise from the table together lovingly; with a new sense of who you are as a couple. If you have done the first steps well, this 4^th step will not be as hard as you might think.

5) Shake Hands on it The first thing you hope happens is that when you go over old territory you are not witnessing cyclonic rebirth of old battles. But then that is the risk that is involved. You are making this declaration: “IF THE RELATIONSHIP CAN’T TAKE THIS, THEN MAYBE IT NEEDS TO BE COMPLETELY REASSESSED.”

"When you think of the time and hope and desire and financial and human resources that go into relationships, you have to ask why we approach them with the fate of fire and passion so closely tied to them. Yes, fire, passion, love and yearning are a part of the picture, but because they are, we should lean over with the touch of a caregiver and tell ourselves. “I have spent so much time on this and it has been full of struggle, along with joy; I am going to approach this with my head as well as my heart and soul.