7 Ways You Guys Can Make Grocery Shopping a Fun-filled Adventure

I will not take long. I promise.

And as a clarification, this piece is not meant in any way, to put women of the 1950s in any comical or disrespectful light. It is just that in the 50's, women went grocery shopping while their husbands worked. Blame it on the social dictations of that era, not me.

Here are some amazing facts that I want to share about my early encounter with the biggest thing in my life: Grocery shopping.

• Going with my parents to buy groceries was the highlight of my week. I loved it, when I was allowed to go inside the huge grocery store with my mom. Usually, I was made to stay in the car. Now for the sadness. I was never told why I was never allowed to go with my mom to grocery shop. The only thing I can assume is that I was way too much trouble for my mom to select the right foods and keep me out of trouble.
• The first huge supermarkets in my hometown were: Piggly Wiggly and The Yellow Front. Both were like stepping inside a circus tent. Each trip to these needed-stores provided something new to see.
• If the manager or employee of one of these supermarkets liked you, (talking about me), you could walk-out with a free piece of Double Bubble bubble gum or a Tootsie Pop. No kidding, folks.
• I loved the clean smell of the supermarket. In 2015 I have been in some of these grocery stores and stepped in some sticky goo on the floor and almost ruined a good shoe.
• When my wife and I were first married, I loved to go grocery shopping. Now years later, I hate it. I guess being questioned over and over by the same people about my two incurable diseases, Fibromyalgia and Neurothopy are and how did I "got them," got old quick.

Enough about me.

Now it's time for me to appeal to other married guys who also hate the weekly-trip to spend a lot of money just to buy food.

I feel for you, guys. And I not only understand your hatred for this task, but can help you deal with grocery shopping with things that are free and do not involve drinking huge amounts of beer and staying gone all wekend with the guys.

Are you ready to turn grocery shopping into a thrilling adventure? Okay. Let's take a look at these

NOTICE:

If you decide to use one or all of these tips, just know . . . that I, in no way, am responsible for any cursings, beatings, threats, or public embarrassment due to the recipient(s) responding in with anger instead of a smile and hearty laugh.

And I ask you in a humble way . . . do not use my name if you do use these tips.

Thank you,

Kenneth

7 Ways You Guys Can Make Grocery Shopping a Fun-filled Adventure

WALK BEHIND -- your wife in the grocery store and do exciting dance steps. Stop when she turns to ask you about this or that item.

ALMOST STUMBLE -- into another customer's grocery cart. The customer will get a moment of excitement and the monotony will be broken.

CARRY A SMALL -- bar of hand soap with you when you and your wife shop for groceries. Upon encountering another customer with a squeaky wheel, tell them to wait for a minute while you apply the soap to that one annoying squeaking wheel. It works. And you have not just helped a stranger, but kept yourself awake.

LEARN SOME SUPER-EASY -- magic tricks. Stop customers while grocery shopping and do a few of them. What laughs and smiles you will make. If your wife says, "Just what to you think you are doing?" Reply, "Enjoying myself, dear. This grocery shopping is fun."

TUNE-UP YOUR -- stand-up comedy inside the grocery store. When you and your wife walk by the meat department, grab a chuck roast, hold it up and cry aloud, "Uncle Bob! I have missed you so much. What happened?" You will surely draw a crowd and get laughs, but beware. Your wife may not like this and walk away from you as if she is signaling that she doesn't know you.

WHISPER A FAKE -- piece of information to a passing grocery shopper. Something like this: "I heard this morning that Jimmy Fallon was to visit this store because his older brother works here." This tip is only effective in supermarkets in the states of California and Portland.

START ACTING LIKE -- you are crying. If a stranger should ask if you are okay. Blow your nose and reply, "Oh, I guess I am a big dope. But this canned fruit depresses me so much." And cry some more. Now. If that same stranger asks why, you are rolling now. Explain that you respect all forms of life which is priceless and how we human beings can be so heartless as to pick innocent peaches taking them from their families just to satisfy our stomachs. The stranger's face will freeze in disbelief. But as a warning, do not laugh or smile yourself or your act will be blown.

In The Near Future . . ."Advising Gas Station Attendants--if There Are Any Left."