A Do-It-Yourself Course In "Building Flawed Human Beings"

a husband, dad, just ready to "give up"

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It's not hard. And when I say "not hard," I mean "it's easy." If you set-out to build a flawed human being.

You do not have to even buy a white lab coat as most "mad scientists" wear on those vintage black and white horror movies such as "Dr. Frankenstein." No. You can wear your casual clothes while working on your "flawed person project," and you do not even have to rent a secret laboratory for your work. You can do your life-bending work from the comfort of your own home. Could it get any easier?

Fact is, and if truth serum were administered, "you" would never dream even in your wildest nightmares that you, a pillar of society, a member of every men's (or ladies) club in the area, and always on-time for work and church, would dare attempt to flaw a person, especially a loved one, because that would be taboo. People who look-up to you would whisper behind your back. Friends would shun you. And your minister might have some heart-to-heart talks with you.

No way. No how. You say. This, "flawing of another person," is simply beneath me, you say. The sad thing is, "I," along with your closest friends and neighbors believe you. "Please," do not hunt for the Bible so you can place your right hand on it to swear that "you" aren't guilty of this "dark" sin. "We" believe you. And "we" are on your side.

It's just a matter of us not being able to grasp "why" such a sad thing has to happen each day of "your life," "flawing" a person, maybe a wife, husband, teenager, whom you really love with all of yourt heart, but still, the damage is being done. And if someone outside of your circle of friends had pointed this out to you, you would have went from placid to livid. Am I right? I mean, no stranger has a right to say that you, "Mr. or Ms. Upstanding Citizen," is even able to commit such a cold deed as affecting a loved one just by your "harmless" words.

A person who says this to you needs to be locked-up, you gasp with disgusting-surprise. We agree with you. But most people who "flaw" those around them are not convicts. They are seen in daily lives going to work, shopping, having coffee with neighbors and working in their flower gardens. Yes, this is a true fact. It just requires some opening of the eyes.

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The "end result" of some adult's harsh, critical words

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"Kenneth, did you say 'harmless words?" you ask. Sure, I did. To you, they are "harmless," but to that certain loved one who is the recipient of your "harmless words," it's deadly. No, not like a handgun being fired on them. But all the same "deadly" to a point of doing irrectifiable damage to their confidence, self-worth and how they seem themselves in public.

Could be that someone in your childhood or teenage years used "harmless words" on you and said, "this is for your own good," or some other lame reason for hurting you so deep that even today, many years later, you are still living and reliving that awful moment in your daily routine.

You never tell anyone. They might look at you "funny" as if "you" have a mental problem, and you cannot afford such thinking by your coworkers, neighbors or fellow church members. You've managed to "handle" the hurt. Well, no you haven't. All you have managed, and well, I might add, is "covering it up" from your family and friends.

Why didn't someone tell you when you had reached adulthood that words are as "sharp as swords," and can be used as such on people we love. Or our words can be as "solid as any cement" and can be used as such not just to manufacture a "temporary fix" to a wounded person, but help to "build them up" with solid-reinforcement to their confidence, self-worth and self-image. Simple. Yet overlooked.

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Building an unhappy wife is easy

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Here Are Some Common Phrases and Words That People Who Are "Flawing" A Loved One Uses Most Everyday . . .

  1. Is that the best you can do? That's it. Drive your spouse or teenager harder than you have to. If it's your teenager, you are doing them a favor. The world is a tough place, you say to them. And nobody gave "you" any words of encouragement . . .just look at how "you" turned out. Yeah, that was a good one. Look at how "you" turned out.
  2. Margie's wife (or husband) knows more than you do! Good work. You are such a commanding-spouse that you felt it was your "duty" to make your companion feel weak, worthless and a "second-class citizen." Surely enough comparing them to others will someday get your companion, who seldom speaks to you or shares anything, to do a better job.
  3. So that's your art project? Looks like trash! Is it any wonder in 2012, that we see literally droves of depressed-teens, some hooked on illegal drugs or alcohol, who were the receivers of such "parenting" from words spoken by an irresponsible parent? Why couldn't you just say, "that looks fine," or "looks like you put in some hard work on that," don't you think your teenager deserves a word of encouragement instead of a lecture about drug and alcohol abuse?
  4. Depressed? That's a laugh. You bet it's a laugh. Your spouse or child had little enough sense to try to open-up and talk to you about their problems. But you set them straight with your firm and demanding image of "nothing's wrong that a few extra chores," or some "exercise (if you are a spouse), wouldn't cure." Are you serious? Do you ever listen to yourself talk to your companion or children? Why don't you just "try" listening? No one said you had to have all of the answers. Just "try" to hear what they are saying.
  5. Are you ever going to be a promoted? What down-and-out wife or husband has not heard this at one time or the other? And while "cheering" a companion on is great, but constantly "digging" them simply because their company hasn't seen fit to promote them. If your companion is "happy" with their work . . .do me a favor. Let it be. Promotions will come later. But not at your continual prodding. Your wife or husband is a human being, not a breed of livestock.
  6. Hey, your friends are all "criminals." No wonder your teenager is lonely around the clock. Now do not misunderstand me. Knowing your teen's friends is fine. Within reason. But using such harsh labels "without" even meeting your teenager's friends, come on. Live in the real world. Your teen may not be Einstein, but he or she is not stupid. Trust them to make a good choice for once. And remember, even a parent is not infallible.
  7. This "dumbo" screwed-up last week big time what spouse "likes" to be called names especially in front of others? Okay. "Some" married men or women can handle verbal abuse, but the big news is, not all can handle it. I couldn't if my wife talked to me like this. So please, spouses, I need another favor. "Try" to think of how those "playful" words on the tip of your tongue is going to affect the one who's married to you. Thanks.
  8. You failed? I never failed a grade in my life! You know what? Children, like adults, are far from perfect. Stop demanding perfection day and night from your teenagers. Hey, they are "going to fail" at something. Why not say something "encouraging" when they do their best and fall short? Would it hurt you do that?
  9. Shut up! No one asked for your opinion! Nice. That's the way to keep your husband or wife in-line. Yeah, your mom or dad did this, so why not you? Well, when your mate says, "enough is enough," and files for divorce, you might see the error of your tongue, but it will be too late then. Try listening to your companion. Just listen. They just might have something really important for you to learn.
  10. You took a sip of beer? So your teenager has trusted you enough to tell you why they have a hint of alcohol on their breath. But you, instead of looking back to when your peer pressure was to just "take a drag off a cigarette," went off on them and said, "it's jail for you," "rehab, here you come," "you are a worthless loser, or something just as detrimental. Remember, sometimes you do not get a second chance to administer understanding to a teenager who has erred from their righteous pathway. Why not just calm down and say, "hey, that can happen. Let's talk about it." Don't you think that would work better?

These are but "10 do-it-yourself ways" that "you" can, without knowing it, "flaw" a teenager, make a spouse feel worthless and make those around you feel uncomfortable.

And if "you" are even tempted to use "these" words and phrases to "teach" your teenager or spouse a lesson in how "you" think that things should be . . .

"I hope that you fail, and fail miserably."

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Comments 20 comments

writinglover profile image

writinglover 4 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Hi, Kenneth. I just read this hub and did it bring back some memories as a preteen and a teen. In fact, these memories were what got me to write.I think its made me stronger as a person. Anyway, thumbs up for a great hub.


Mary Merriment profile image

Mary Merriment 4 years ago from Boise area, Idaho

Some people really don't have any idea how much their words can affect and shape another... especially when they are said to a child. Great hub.


PurvisBobbi44 profile image

PurvisBobbi44 4 years ago from Florida

What a life recapping hub. Some of my friends lived in homes where this was a common everyday issue.

I am one of the lucky ones who only received encouragement and love from my mother. She was a positive motivator from my earliest memory.

I suppose that is why I am a positive person today and believe in lifting up the ones who have been stabbed with the sword of negativity.

You have such a wonderful and insightful mind---sharing your wisdom with all who needs to hear your subject matter.

I hope positive sunshine brightens all the negative corners of homes with these issues.

Have a great and wonderful week.

Your Friend,

Bobbi Purvis


sligobay profile image

sligobay 4 years ago from east of the equator

Restraint of pen and tongue is the AA slogan which models your lesson here. I don;t write or say anything harmful to anyone. If I do, I promptly admit it and repair the damage done where possible.


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Such an important issue in this hub. Words can hurt worse than a physical wound. And you are right that they stay with you for a lifetime. We all need to monitor what we say. Great hub Kenneth!


Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 4 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

Your words are so true. It is so easy to squash a young persons hopes or self esteem. Same for older folks too! Good hub.


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 4 years ago from Riga, Latvia

Words can harm more than anything. Some people just don't think before they speak and others put people down all the time because they think they're so great.


picklesandrufus profile image

picklesandrufus 4 years ago from Virginia Beach, Va

So many of your hubs are hysterical, but this one is serious and well worth the read. Vote way up Kenneth!


teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 4 years ago

As a teacher, I can relate to how much others can harm a child with words. As a parent, I encourage others to think twice before they speak -- children learn from your example. Very good message!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, writinglover,

Thank you sincerely, for your kind support. "I" had this administered to me starting at age nine. And then as a teen on until I grew to adulthood. My parents were from the "old school," and their parents taught them that a rough scolding was all it took to make a good child. Oh, how wrong they were. What little self-confidence I had was destroyed and today I deal with low self-esteem, poor self-image and hardly any confidence.

I am not running a "pity party," but tell you ALL the cold, hard truth about my childhood, teen years and early adult hood.

This "type of raising" affected me "going for it," to do the work I wanted in life. When I even thougth about getting into the radio station business, a little voice said, "you? Hey, you are a worthless misfit, and they wont hire you," and guess where that voice came from? Those awful, tormented things that were said to me by my elders. God rest their souls. I have NO revenge or hatred for them.

It just gets to be weary sitting here at my PC looking out my window watching, literally, life passing me by.

If I didnt have My Heavenly Father, and YOU, and all of my followers, I shudder to imagine where I'd be.

Honest.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Mary,

You are so right. Words CAN built up or tear down. Thanks for being my friend first, then my follower. You are certainly an inspiration to me in your words. Thank you.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

My Dear Bobbi,

Thank you, dear friend, for being so very nice, caring and warm toward me. And so generous with your compliments. I LOVE IT. And yes, you are a positive, energetic lady, whom I have a world of respect for, not only as my dear friend, but a terrific writer.

I thank God for you, Bobbi, and all of my cherished followers. I say that a lot because it's true.

Thanks again.

Your Friend for Life,

KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, sligobay,

your comment is so admirable that I am going to adapt it for me, if you don't mind.

To be that caring about what "we" say is a great trait to have.

Thanks for sharing with me.

I wish for you a successful hub career for you and all of my followers are so talented you need to be writing novels.

Honest.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear catgypsy,

Nicely-said. And thanks for your support, and great advice in telling me and all that "we need to monitor what we say." In my case, it's NOT telling an overweight lady that I congratulate her on her "blessed day" when her baby is due, but the fact is, she isnt pregnant.

That kind of thing.

The Book of James (NT) talks about our tongues being "that" one unruly member of our bodies that no man can tame.

God help me with mine.

Thanks, KENNETH, family, cats and Peter, your fan.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello gypsy willow,

So true. So true. Our words have power. And if used wisely, can help to make a non-confident man or woman, confident. And when we are around children, this principle takes on even more power. Id rather brag on a child for trying and failing, than scorn them for just failing.

The wounds sometimes never heal.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Gypsy Rose Lee,

Thank you for your sweet comment, and you are so right. "Some" smart alec's do put people down a lot. That's because not one smart alec has any good self-esteem. They must drive people like ME to the ground to look good to other smart alec's.

Hey, a hub idea. Why dont YOU do it, Gypsy?

Thanks.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, dear friend, picklesandrufus,

Thank you kindly, for your warm comment. I mean that. You and those on this hub comment space, have THE gift of encouragement. Did you know that? There are 12 motivational gifts spoken of in the New Testament, I believe, Romans, Chapter 12. Just look that up. YOU and all of these fine people do encourage me so much that I cannot repay you.

Thanks so much for the votes.

And have a blessed day.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Greetings, teaches12345,

Thanks for your comment that touched me. And I admire you for teaching the principle of "thinking before speaking," which is hard at first, but can be done.

My late father-in-law did that. I've watched him sit and listen to others for hours while enjoying his pipe, then when asked, he would slowly speak what he thougth--which was never mean-spirited, ugly, or disrespectful.

I admired him for that. Still do.

Orville, I miss you.


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Haha...I think we've all been there with the "pregnant" woman mishap! However, some slips of the tongue are honest mistakes! I have learned not to presume anything though.

Love ya!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

:) LOL, yeah, but in my case, that angered look did me in for good. But today, she and I laugh at that moment. So you are right. It turned out to be a good thing.

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