Falling In love with a straight guy

So it all began when I was in year 8. I was playing games as I always did at lunch time with my best friend, at this point in time I didn't have many friends but then came along this guy (lets call him... Mike) that I already knew from the previous year as he was in my tutor. He was one of the guys that was popular yet used to like hanging around the geeky bunch (my group of friends), he was unique and puberty worked its magic on him. As time went on I found him more and more attractive but what could I of done, I liked him but no one even knew I was gay. He fell in love multiple times and each time it broke my heart, I spent most of my secondary school just waiting for him to break up with his current girlfriend.

Mike was one of the first friends I came out to (in year 10), I kept giving him hints on the way back from school one day until he shouted "wait, are you gay?" (by this point no one really knew I was gay so I was kind of annoyed at him)to which I slowly nodded, he was thrilled and glad that he was one of my first friends I told. But as he got excited everything just slowed down and I couldn't help but just realise how attractive he was, it was at this point I was certain that I was beginning to fall in love with him. A few weeks past after this and I decided to tell one of my friends that I "used to" like Mike, he was shocked and immediately wanted me to tell him. So a few more weeks past and I decided that I would tell him, and then on another walk back from school I said "I used to like you", to which he refused to speak to me for another week, all that was going through my head was I knew this would happen, why would I confess that I like a straight guy.

After I apologised to Mike he started talking to me again, even though there was about a year of slightly homophobic comments, to which I just tried to ignore. After about a year of still waiting as he fell in love numerous times, I noticed he started to change, sure he started drinking and doing drugs, but he also seemed more open to sexuality. The homophobic comments stopped and I was glad but shocked at the same time, at first I even thought he might have a mental illness, but then realised that he reminded me of myself throughout all the years I was trying to hide my sexuality from the public. All I could think was this is my chance he might be bisexual so in March of year 11 I tried to make a move whilst I was drunk and he was on drugs, now I know this sounds like a bad idea but my logic was if he retaliates he can't run far and I can just say that I don't remember it, so after talking I tried to go in for a kiss to which he just curled up in a ball covering his face (not the best response to your attempted first kiss). Afterwards he remembered what I tried and was annoyed at me (again).

A few months passed and I tried flirt with him, but nothing. Mike ended up going to college whist I stayed in sixth form, I then only saw him about once a week. It's over I thought, he's left and has yet another girlfriend, I was friends (well acquiescences) with this girl that he was dating and one day when I was talking to her she did say "[Mike's] told me that he has questioned his sexuality" I was shocked, I have another chance but then remembered that he was in a relationship so I waited. When he broke up with his current girlfriend I tried to find a way to get with him so I went to my best friends party. When I got there, there he was, Mike, I was so nervous that I ended up drinking much more than I should of, I stumbled out of my seat (yes that is possible) and went over to him, I said "[Mike] I need to tell you something" he looked at me with my other friend who already knew, I just said "I'm a virgin" now this wasn't really much surprise as he already knew so he just kind of ignored me. As the night went on I tried flirting with him more until he said "I think I might be bisexual, but I don't know and want to find out by myself" at this point he turned to me. I got scared so I did the inly thing that seemed logical at this point in time I drank. Now the rest of the night is hard to remember, but heres what I do remember- Bacardi, Bacardi, Bacardi, dancing, Bacardi, throwing up, "CALL MY BEST FRIEND" I said who stayed on a call with me for half an hour as I threw up. And that's all I remember.

The next day I asked how much Mike remembered to which he responded with "the last thing I remember is you telling me you're a virgin". Since then I have watched him fall in love twice as he watched my heart slowly break more and more. So my advice is

• IF HE'S STRAIGHT, HE'S STRAIGHT
• But always remember that love is love and you can't help it, it may hurt but even by telling them it might not change anything so it may be best to just keep it to yourself, whats more important, friendship or a 1% chance of love.

Kylonia