Advice to Youth 4 – Learning Woman-Speak

How to interpret Woman-Speak

If you have been paying attention to the previous “Advice to Youth“ lessons my pimple faced young man, you are now ready for your next lesson and that is “How to interpret Woman-Speak”.

The daughter of a friend of mine looks like a model, meaning tall, slim and beautiful, and at age 24 she obtained a doctorate in mathematics. So, she is an unusual combination of brains and beauty and this beautiful girl has recently got married to a nice boy she met on the Internet. I mention this because if a lovely, intelligent girl like that will seek her future mate on the Internet instead of amongst the many young men vying for her attention in person, meeting women on the Internet appears to be the way of the future.

It is therefore possible that even a useless, clumsy klutz like you might also very well meet his future wife on the Internet and, as you can appreciate, a chump like you will need all the help he can get if he is to have any sort of chance to make the correct choice and to survive.

A dear friend of mine has recently sent me the work of an anonymous fellow teacher and philosopher and because the De Greeks are not too proud to plagiarise when the author is chump enough to spread his work unsigned, I shall use the relevant material to illustrate a number of pitfalls that might await you.

Dictionary of Women’s Personal Ads

If a woman says she is “40-ish”, you can comfortably make a sizable bet that she is 49 and if she is also “adventurous”, then she is a 49 year old slut who has slept with everyone. If you are one of those unusual men who like women with sizable breasts “athletic” will be a disappointment to you, as it is Woman-Speak for “No tits”.

You would do well to look on the claim of “average looking” with some measure of reservation because it actually means “downright ugly”, which is fine if your standards are in that way inclined.

A “beautiful” woman is probably a pathological liar and if combined with “Contagious Smile” then she is a pathological liar who does a lot of pills. Strong prescription medicine is also the case of women who are “Emotionally Secure”, so do be aware because the cost of modern medicine can be prohibitive.

A “Feminist” tends to indicate a woman who likes to buy her chocolate by the crateful and consequently if you do not mind a few extra pounds she will do just fine, but be warned that “Voluptuous” is definitely in the heavyweight category and “Large Frame” means that she has to pay for two seats on an airplane when visiting mommy in Appalachia.

A “Free Spirit” would tend to indicate a junkie and if this is combined with “Outgoing” we may be speaking of a loud and embarrassing junkie.

An “Open Minded” candidate is likely to be quite desperate. If she is also “Passionate” a desperate, sloppy drunk individual is likely to be the person you will meet at your first meeting at the local Starbucks.

Beware of women advertising themselves as “fun”, as they are very likely to be quite annoying and if “New Age” do not go to a meeting with one, unless you like women who have body hair in all the wrong places.

If she is “Professional” she is likely to be…. But no, I shall let you work that out for yourself.

Your First Meeting

Make sure that when you meet your possible future mate, you do so in a public place, with lots of other people around, so there is no possibility of some nutcase accusing you of rape.

According to the above mentioned philosopher, a recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However, when she is menstruating, she apparently prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a baseball bat shoved up his backside. This is not my own position, but I thought it advisable to pass the information on.

Women’s English

Women have a different interpretation of the English language than we do, so you would do well to learn the following translation of Woman-Speak by heart:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = You’ll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You are in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron

10. You are very attentive tonight = Is sex all you think about?

Men’s English

In fairness to the fair sex though, we should acknowledge that we also have our own way of communication, which women would do well to learn for the sake of peace and harmony in the home.

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage

5. I love you = Let’s have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you

11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I am gay

Learn this well, you poor fish, if you do not want to be in the news for all the wrong reasons.


Dimitris Mita

De Greek

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Comments 38 comments

msorensson profile image

msorensson 6 years ago

OMG...ha ha ha...delightful..genius!!


Green Lotus profile image

Green Lotus 6 years ago from Atlanta, GA

Hysterical, brilliant and every bit of it true.!! You continue to outdo yourself deG.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

Yes! We women have to agree! It's so hilarious, De Greek! You did it again! Just what I needed to start my day off right!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Girls, thank you, but I shall have to see what FP will find wrong with this, before I open my mouth again! :-))


Mentalist acer profile image

Mentalist acer 6 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

Anouther one is when she says Lets have sex = you owe me..


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Brother Mentalist, I see that you train your women well!:D


thevoice profile image

thevoice 6 years ago from carthage ill

very well developed hub work thanks


habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia

Wonderful hub! I agree with you on this, but I STRONGLY disagree with the post you left on my Great Dane article! Please read it when you get a chance!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

I HAVE read your post. And I LOOOOOOve Great Danes! I had three of them to date, that's why I know they are

playful cute, but DUMB!!!.... :-))

Because they are so big, they MUST have some obedience training, otherwise you are asking for trouble. Consequently, I would spend a fortune on specialists trainers trying to teach them the basics and the basics was the best they just about manage. They are lovely, loving, beautiful, but DUMB! :-)))


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 6 years ago from India

Tch, tch...what a cynic you are, DG! :D


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

FP, I have a feeling that you did not read the comment about you above, after Nellianna's comment. Are we slipping? ;D


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 6 years ago from India

Are you suggesting I find something wrong with all your hubs? Sigh...the injustice of it all!!


Cris A profile image

Cris A 6 years ago from Manila, Philippines

Have you ever thought of a career in broadcasting? You sure could make the world a happier place with your humor.

Btw, what's the image above about?


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Cris, my voice is completely unsuitable for radio. For TV, only my manly good looks will see me through :-))

The image at the top is what I hope is a "pillar of wisdom", though I would not swear to it if pressed. The other two I pinched from Wikipedia.

Do you know if there is a site where people get together to discuss Rizal's life and poems?

Thank you again for passing by :-)


Cris A profile image

Cris A 6 years ago from Manila, Philippines

Alright stick to writing then. A good thing going is hard ro come by besides. Haha

I tried zooming in on the image and I think I saw some Chinese inscriptions...if you don't know Chinese, yeah, better not swear to it

Hmm there's none that I know of but I can ask around. Interesting though that you're into Rizal. Have you been to Mt Banahaw where the Rizalistas gather? I've been there and their fanaticism to the hero is truly an experience.

:D


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Haven't been to Banahaw, but I am not surprised at Riza's following. He was one to make every human being proud to be a member of the species (bearing in mind the many examples which raise doubt in God's wisdom in creating us), but he was also a man's man. Quite a swordsman our Jose, both figuratively and actually. Documented proof about Belgian, French and Spanish women chasing panting after him and he also challenged a Spaniard to a duel and got a written apology in response! Quite the all arounder, our Jose :-))


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

Great hub. Women are complicated, aloof, and creative. Meaning we can lure you in with our sweet talk and words, then watch out. You won't always get what you came for! Thanks for a great hub.

Namaste.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Deborah, women are aloof only when they are are not intersted. When they ARE intersted, they are gonners :-))

Thank you for commenting :-)


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 6 years ago from Virginia

I'm rolling on the floor laughing! I hate to admit it, women from all over are going to beat me and kick me out of the women's club, but you speak the truth. I love your writing and your humor! :)

P.S. That PlentyofFish ad works so well in the middle of this hub. I'm going to click on it now! Here's what my ad will say:

Simple minded woman...athletic in an average way, but not too average, and not average average either, yet not amazonian or even mildly over average or under average, just right average...menstrual cycle free (woohoo!)...no facial hair except on Thursdays--that's tweezing day...

Hmm, maybe I'd better stay out of that Fish place. ;)


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Pam you can make me LOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bless you Child :D


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 6 years ago

Well DG you keep this cowboy laughing in his saddle and sometimes falling out of it. Your razor sharp wit is contagious as I can read from your many followers. You say it like it is and people like to hear the truth and many will know you are spinning your words to them. Keep the humor coming, I like to roll on the floor with laughter from time to time, it's grand for the spirit. We all need a good laugh now and then.Please just don't make me pee my shorts, I hate to have to depend on DEPENDS....Yikes am I heading towards that stage in life, if so, please shoot me Dirty Harry...


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Brother S, we aim to please, but do contain yourself as you are a representative of our age group and your actions reflect on all of us :-)


katiem2 profile image

katiem2 6 years ago from I'm outta here

De Greek, THIS IS FABULOUS... OMG I'm still laughing and who are you to spill all our secrets. YOU GO, I love it! The world will now be a better place, but the older men could also benefit from this. Thanks and Peace I'm calling this a Rate UP and MUST READ....AGAIN and AGAIN! :)


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Katiem, it is gratifying to provide knowledge tot he masses. Thank you for your support :-)


Merlin Fraser profile image

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

Another great hub and soooo true in many cases.

I can only assume that the description used on Online Dating Sites are written by the same people who write property descriptions for Estate Agents !

One piece of advice you did miss can you tell me what's the correct answer when asked; Does this make my Bum look Big ?


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

We have covered this in a previous lesson Merlin. You were just not paying attention as usual! :-))


Bambino 6 years ago

If A woman needs to ask the question Merlin..''Does my bum look big in this'' she knows full well it does,the answer will depend on wether you love her enough to be honest or wether you just fancy the arse off her and would prefer to lie to get your own way !!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Well Bambino, you are a better man than I and I take my hat off to you. Just leave a note here so that we know where to send flowers and our condolences to the family :-)))

Me, I lie in my teeth every time. :-))


Bambino 6 years ago

Im not a man De Greek..Im all woman !!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Then I think that you are absolutely right and that the world would be a much better place without these lying men infecting every available corner of it! :-))))


Merlin Fraser profile image

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

I probably was paying attention at the time...

But I do tend to fade in and out especially when listening to or about women.

I find the words, "Yes Dear" thrown into the conversation periodically is usually suffice.


Bambino 6 years ago

So you are a 'yes' man then Merlin !!


randpropz profile image

randpropz 6 years ago

Yes, I'm totally agree with you! :)


James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 6 years ago from Chicago

Absolutely hilarious! And being true wit—also true. Thanks for making me laugh. We don't laugh enough.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

Thank you for being so kind, you all...:-)


Challah1202 profile image

Challah1202 6 years ago from Chandler, TX

These are the women who wrote the ad to sell the house too, right? And the kid's college application? Oh, they are everywhere! Good job.


tonymac04 profile image

tonymac04 6 years ago from South Africa

Oh boy! This was a laugh a second, my friend! Loved it! Actually I think I liked the "Men's English" best. Oh boy this is so fuc.. I mean funny!

Love and peace

Tony


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK Author

What can I say? It took you such a long time to read this? Serves you right :-))

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