Advice to Youth 4 – Learning Woman-Speak
How to interpret Woman-Speak
If you have been paying attention to the previous “Advice to Youth“ lessons my pimple faced young man, you are now ready for your next lesson and that is “How to interpret Woman-Speak”.
The daughter of a friend of mine looks like a model, meaning tall, slim and beautiful, and at age 24 she obtained a doctorate in mathematics. So, she is an unusual combination of brains and beauty and this beautiful girl has recently got married to a nice boy she met on the Internet. I mention this because if a lovely, intelligent girl like that will seek her future mate on the Internet instead of amongst the many young men vying for her attention in person, meeting women on the Internet appears to be the way of the future.
It is therefore possible that even a useless, clumsy klutz like you might also very well meet his future wife on the Internet and, as you can appreciate, a chump like you will need all the help he can get if he is to have any sort of chance to make the correct choice and to survive.
A dear friend of mine has recently sent me the work of an anonymous fellow teacher and philosopher and because the De Greeks are not too proud to plagiarise when the author is chump enough to spread his work unsigned, I shall use the relevant material to illustrate a number of pitfalls that might await you.
Dictionary of Women’s Personal Ads
If a woman says she is “40-ish”, you can comfortably make a sizable bet that she is 49 and if she is also “adventurous”, then she is a 49 year old slut who has slept with everyone. If you are one of those unusual men who like women with sizable breasts “athletic” will be a disappointment to you, as it is Woman-Speak for “No tits”.
You would do well to look on the claim of “average looking” with some measure of reservation because it actually means “downright ugly”, which is fine if your standards are in that way inclined.
A “beautiful” woman is probably a pathological liar and if combined with “Contagious Smile” then she is a pathological liar who does a lot of pills. Strong prescription medicine is also the case of women who are “Emotionally Secure”, so do be aware because the cost of modern medicine can be prohibitive.
A “Feminist” tends to indicate a woman who likes to buy her chocolate by the crateful and consequently if you do not mind a few extra pounds she will do just fine, but be warned that “Voluptuous” is definitely in the heavyweight category and “Large Frame” means that she has to pay for two seats on an airplane when visiting mommy in Appalachia.
A “Free Spirit” would tend to indicate a junkie and if this is combined with “Outgoing” we may be speaking of a loud and embarrassing junkie.
An “Open Minded” candidate is likely to be quite desperate. If she is also “Passionate” a desperate, sloppy drunk individual is likely to be the person you will meet at your first meeting at the local Starbucks.
Beware of women advertising themselves as “fun”, as they are very likely to be quite annoying and if “New Age” do not go to a meeting with one, unless you like women who have body hair in all the wrong places.
If she is “Professional” she is likely to be…. But no, I shall let you work that out for yourself.
Your First Meeting
Make sure that when you meet your possible future mate, you do so in a public place, with lots of other people around, so there is no possibility of some nutcase accusing you of rape.
According to the above mentioned philosopher, a recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However, when she is menstruating, she apparently prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a baseball bat shoved up his backside. This is not my own position, but I thought it advisable to pass the information on.
Women have a different interpretation of the English language than we do, so you would do well to learn the following translation of Woman-Speak by heart:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You are in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron
10. You are very attentive tonight = Is sex all you think about?
In fairness to the fair sex though, we should acknowledge that we also have our own way of communication, which women would do well to learn for the sake of peace and harmony in the home.
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I am gay
Learn this well, you poor fish, if you do not want to be in the news for all the wrong reasons.
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This Hub is written in response to: A Writing Challenge: Are You Up For It? http://hubpages.com/literature/A-Writing-Challenge-Are-You-Up-For-It