Thirty two years ago a horrible thing happened and thirty two years later it is still as horrible. I've been dealing with June 17th for quite awhile. All of us have. It's not unresolved really anymore, not for me. Just a day that forces you to think back to that horrible day. I knew my wife back then. She probably remembers more about that summer than I do. I remember a party where there was the soundtrack to the movie Grease playing way too much and remembering how I didn't feel a part of that group anymore. Although, people generally were probably nicer than ever to me - I'm sure I was just numb. My wife says I was pretty shutdown. She said she was a bit afraid of me. The daunting responsibility of saying the right things at the right time. The responsibility of knowing when to push and when to lay back. I don't truly remember exactly what she said or did. But I know she stood by me. She was there for me. No doubt she was holding on and looking for some better days.
And better days came...
This pattern had a habit of repeating itself. A set of some really good days and then usually when you are least expecting it, something tragic happens again. So tragic that life itself again feels foreign. You feel like a stranger even surrounded by family and friends. You have to wonder if you'll ever see better days.
And better days come...
Right now it's one of those times when we're wondering if better days are coming or not. Actually, I'm wondering if I'm in bad days now or just worried about the bad days ahead. Life is uncertain for us right now and has been for quite awhile. Jobs aren't coming. Where we should live is in question. If we will be in our house next year could be in jeopardy. There feels like there is no path leading towards where we should be going. Although I'm certain the path I was on wasn't the best, at least it seemed to have a direction. It was a part of some kind of plan. Now, we just want to find a new plan but we haven't yet.
It creates quite a bit of anxiety. To the point where we're getting sick of it. If nothing seems to be changing it needs to be the attitude. Even though we have looked on the brighter side a number of times it's time for another try. That's what "try try again" means. We get to try again. There needs to be a reconnection to the belief that as long as we have each other then none of the rest of it matters. Not give up on saving what we've built but maybe to keep the perspective that what we stand to lose this time is stuff and not lives. It's not really losing the house that frightens me. Losing that girl that got me through the worst day of my life 32 years ago is what frightens me. With her I can always find my way, without I'm utterly lost.
Except losing the love of my life is never going to happen. Because we don't need boxes wrapped in strings or designer love or empty things. We just need that chance to find some better days. We've done it before with equally daunting bad days ahead. We certainly will do it again.
And I know better days will come...
So do you just wait around for better days to come? Maybe but probably not the best plan. But being down and depressed inside of the bad days is an equally terrible plan. It's attitude. Even when I've lost that spark I know it. It's not the situation that needs to change. Its' how you look at it. Then from that point of positivity you can start to create change. I truly believe it. I know first hand that falling into a funk doesn't solve much. Sometimes you just have to fall down and weep a bit. Sometimes things are just too much to handle. But while we weep, a part of us gathers strength. A part of us gets sick and tired of being sick and tired. We decide to try again.
It's as simple as the message in Sting's Brand New Day song. You need to the turn the clock to zero and start thinking in a brand new way. Sometimes I think it is just that easy. You just start over. You reassess what you have and you stop feeling sorry for what you don't have any more. You carve out a new life out from the shambles of your former one. You realize what you have now, you've always had. That the people count more than the materials. So stand up. We're starting up a brand new day.
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