My Struggles with Forgiveness, Blinded by Hate

Me, last year
Me, last year | Source

A Family In Crisis

Something everyone should realize is that child abuse can occur in any family. That a family does not have to be black, Latino, Muslim, etc. and they do not have to be dirt poor either. Child abuse, abandonment, and neglect can even come from the typical all-American family.

As many of my fans, and fellow hubbers already know, I'm not one who writes emotional, heartfelt hubs. I'm not the type of writer who pours their heart and soul out in this way. However, lately I have had yet another encounter with stepfather, who reached out to me by telephone. Bruce is growing older, and not feeling any younger these days. He too, like my biological father, has some health issues, which are now, making them re-think their past behavior towards me, and of amending that emotionally and physically abused relationship. I think he is wanting to spend, the rest of his life, in harmony with mine. Wishful thinking on both their parts, Bruce or my dad, but..., I at least respect Bruce's honesty. That's more than I can say for my biological parents.

Bruce and I had a very complicated and difficult relationship, when I was growing up. But, you know I was starting my life on my own, newly married, having a child..., and there for a long time back in the 1990s, Bruce and I were okay. You know- I could manage my past back then. It was what it was. Real shitty, but, hey we all have had our ups and downs, right? So, I won't go into the horrible eventful details, which eventually divided Bruce and I again, nevertheless, he as an individual who has always been true to himself. Let me just say, he has never "changed his spots" for anybody, he is who is, take it or leave.

Back in 2004, my family was in a great, massive, divide. It was at this time period when my beloved husband of ten years, hung himself one Wednesday morning at our family-run lumberyard, just sometime after dawn. Though Bruce and I were not talking at the time, I called him that morning to ask him for help in finding my (though nobody believed me at the time) mentally sick husband. I clearly remember saying to my step dad, "Bruce I know you hate me, but, I know Bucky's dead somewhere. Please help me find him." Click went the telephone, and I was soon off and on my way to find my precious love of twelve years. At 7:22am, I somehow broke a deadbolt by rattling the large security-gates open, which then led to our family's back section of the business, where the lumber and stuff was kept. Needless to say, there was my husband, best friend, and father of my child. He had hung himself between a pile of sheetrock and insulation materials. Bucky wasn't a small man. He was 6'0 feet tall, and weighed well-over two hundred, twenty-five pounds, so the dead weight of his body, had actually caused the rope to stretch. When I turned the corner and saw him, his knees were bent and buckled, and was leaning on a 4x4 support post. He look as if he was peacefully resting there, or taking a quick work break.

I tried, oh how I tried to lift his body. But he was dead, and there was no moving a 225+ size man of dead weight. I remember his body was warm to the touch. I know he had only just recently departed this world, abandoning me and our son. His hands, my my his hands; I'll never forget how purple they were from all the blood clotting inside them. Naturally they were swollen, and a dark, purplish, black color. My stepfather Bruce soon arrived behind me, about fifteen minutes after me or so, took one look at Bucky and vomited. I had just enough time for me to kiss my beloved, and scream to God, "Why, oh my GOD, WHY?" I tell you this tale because Bruce and I shared this moment together. Bucky was not only his step, son-in-law but, his best friend as well.

Though the darkness of death, shadowed over Bucky's body, one could see that he had finally found peace, before he departed this world. I have to say, seeing my husband hanging there, was probably the most horrific event I've ever seen. Moreover, it was the most precious and beautiful thing that has ever caught my stare. He looked so peaceful, relaxed and calm. Angelic almost. Because of this- I wouldn't let my mother, Barbara, see Bucky like that that day. She didn't deserve to see his peace, and she didn't deserve to have an emotional bond with me, for the rest of my life. He was mine, and Barb and I were estranged at the time- so, I didn't even want her there. In that regard- I am so glad I had enough strength to hold her back, stand up to her, and tell her "No!" Although, she'd later get me back for keeping her at bay. It was my sincere feeling that she didn't deserve him (or me for that matter), at that time in our lives.

All my life it's always been about her, and what she wants or how she was wronged. As my mom, she never protected me from my dad, being molested, or my step-dad. It was easier I guess, for her to instead wickedly abandoned me, as a daughter and child of hers. It was like she had wished that I wasn't in her life, and because of those ill feelings that she was silently harboring; allowed me to be victimized by my dad and step dad (who were very abusive), her friends, and even my siblings. It is as if she fed me to the wolves. She never defended me, and always let people talk down to me, and treated me like worthless, poor, white-trash. Why? It was the same old reason she had abandoned me before time and time again, MONEY and JEALOUSY. Let Bruce do what he wanted, so she could spend what she wanted on the Visa card. I am so serious people. I'd get beat up by him, she'd come home with new clothes for herself or a new wardrobe for one of my siblings. Which was usually to the benefit of my little sister.

After Bucky's passing, my life went terribly downhill. I had no family support whatsoever, or zero help getting through this tragic time in my life. I did bad things to myself, really terrible things. Like burning myself with cigarettes, or cutting out my toe nails completely. I fell heavily into drugs, crack cocaine to be exact. But you know, I wanted to die. I was in and out of mental hospital's, three times. Did my mother visited me? Once, because my sister made her go. The two other times, she called and lectured me about being a burden and a waste of time.

I have to tell you, I needed my mother in the worse possible way. I was desperately falling out of control. Still she insisted on taking this stance against me, so in truth, I was better off not seeing her. Ironically, my family thought the best way to provide me with love and support, was by try to have my child taken away from me. Zachary never saw the bad side of me. I had moved in my mother-in-law, who took care of Zachary for me. She was everything to me at that time. I would hang out in our basement, do my thing, and Zachary was watching TV upstairs with his grandma. He seriously had no clue. I didn't lash out in front of him. I didn't cry in front of him. He just knew that I incredibly sad. However, secretly behind my back, my "loving" family were busy little beavers, chopping away at his love for me, lying to him, and telling him I was unfit as a mother, and that I didn't love him. They told him that I basically killed his father, it was a nightmare. Time and time again, I would confront them about this, and time, and time again- it was I who did all the work to forgive them of their trespasses against me. Then one day, my son comes to me again and says that his grandma Barb says he was to lie too me about something. I could see he was visibly worried about this, and a little scared of what I might say or do. He asks in his innocence voice, "Mommy..., Grandma Barb told me to lied for her about a trip. So when you find out mommy, do I get grounded or will she be grounded from my toys?"

You can imagine my fury..., I was thoroughly outraged! I had finally reached my breaking point with her, and all those people.

It only confirmed all the horrible things that I knew about them- to be true, but, really didn't want to believe. Moreover, I realized it right then and there that my memories of their deep cruelty and hate towards me actually went way back a long way, and it was even occurring in my early childhood years. Starting about the age of five, but, got much worse around the ages of seven or eight.

I simply had to put a stop to it. It not for my sake, for my son. I knew I couldn't lose my son, and that I HAD too fight for him. I love my child more than life itself, so I knew, it was time to buck up. However, I realized it wasn't going to be easy, and let me tell you, it wasn't. Still isn't.

By that time in my life (2005-2007), I was taking 48 pills a day for anxiety, depression, psychosis, and so on. I was diagnosed with every mental disorder known to mankind, and my ills were not getting any better. Something had to be done, and I knew I had to make some serious changes in my life for the wellbeing of Zachary. But to do this, I had to convince the only people two people in my life at that time, that I really wasn't losing my mind. So..., one day I used some of my mother's own tactics on her to prove a point to Zachary and Michael (my new husband). For one I wanted them to hear it for themselves, and to confirm that the stories of abuse, abandonment, and selfish cruelty were real. Michael was really having a hard time believing me, and my stories about my "loving family's" abusive nature. My parents were so good at playing the part of Super-mom or Super-duper step dad in public, but, get them behind closed doors, it was a living hell on earth.

Anyhow, I called her up on day out of the blue, and said to her, "Zach and I need you mom. Michael has kicked us out and I have no money, no groceries, no clothing, no nothing. Mom'ma, you've just gotta help me. Please, mom please. I desperately need you." Her response, "Julie, I can't help you or give you money without Bruce's permission." I said okay, and asked her to ask him right away. Now mind you, I also used this time to reminded her about how they give money to my little sister for every little thing; like, $600.00 to pay off one of her bar tabs, $3500.00 to get her out of 2 DUI's, $1200 to get her out of a potential drug charge..., stuff like that. My step-dad was constantly forking out cash to her left and right. It was also embarrassing to see him coddle her like that. It was like this was the only way he could show her love and affection, was by buying it. I guess this way was easier, than instead of him just being a decent dad for once, when he came home each night. He was such a bear. I used to literally run and hide.

Anyhow- my mother's response back to me was, "Julie, you know he'll think its just a waste of time and money, so, I'm not going to bother with this." She never even offered to come pick us up, or ask if Zachary was okay, nothing and when she said that Zach and I were a waste of time, and hence a waste of money, I could see the look on my son's face that told me, she had literally broke his heart. Of course, not being at all surprised by her answer said, "Thank you mom. I understand" She said, "Oh sure, anytime Julie Ann." "Anytime," I thought to myself? What, was she crazy? I guess I was supposed to call her every time I started to think too highly of myself or what? I guess she thought she was doing me a favor by being my "reality check," and making sure that I fully knew my place in this world as a lesser person of worth. Crazy I tell ya, she's crazy.

I knew that would be her response though. It was the same response I got every time as a child when I needed something, like I don't know a new pair of shoes, because my were falling apart, tampons and maxi pads, underwear, or a new bra to wear because my boobs were growing like wildfire. From the moment I started my period and stuff, I paid for everything through odd jobs and babysitting. Yes, she'd pay sometimes. But if they knew I had the cash, they manipulate the situation to where I was buying my school supplies, school clothes, and feminine hygiene products. Mind you now, I was 11 when I started my period. 11! No 11 year old child should be responsible for paying for maxi-pads, when her mother drives a nice car, chartered yachts off the coast of Mexico, or vacationed on some private island somewhere in the Caribbean. My parents were really well off. They had plenty of cash in their pockets, and money to burn. They could have afforded the four bucks it took back then, to buy my feminine hygiene products. However, at 11 I would have to work all day to make four dollars in the heat of a Missouri summer moving lawns, trimming around trees, chopping and stacking wood. It was maddening. My whole childhood was a chaotic mess because of these people.

Still though, I got from her the evidence I needed to finally show Zach and Michael the real side of her, and she has only herself to blame, for introducing herself as the true jackass, she really was in reality; and just for to set the record straight, we haven't talked to her since. That was until the phone call, which Bruce had placed to me that day.

It has been almost three years since I've seen Barb, my sister, step-dad, brother or my sister-n-law Christy. Christy is a lot like my mother. She is one of those nasty people who constantly sneaks behind your back, spreading rumors and lies. Her specialty was to slip "secret" messages to Zach, by using his old friends to her advantage. Like she would text one of his friends, and make them send it to Zach. Stuff like that. Zach's is 16. One Christmas, when he was 12, she actually had the nerve to tell Zachary that he needed to keep all his toys at her house, because I would only tear them up or sell them on Ebay. Ridiculous! I know, but that's Christy for you, and my family said absolutely nothing about it to her either. They just let her blabber that kind of stupid nonsense, without thinking twice about it and realizing the damage it was doing to Zach. I use to get so hurt by that.

I don't understand how an individuals like her, get their tickles and kicks out of life, by being ugly to other people that way. To me, it's incredibly mean-spirited and actually kind of creepy. I honestly think she wanted to keep Zach all to herself, because she like all the extra attention. That's my mother through and through. I swear those two could be twins.

With the very little amount that you know of me, and my son's family history with the "Proctor Clan" (as they are known to us)- like I wrote, my step dad had reached out to me. Of course, I boo-hoo'd and cried. We have an everlasting kinship, a bond if you will, and with that said I do love him a little. We did agree to make arrangements to meet and all that. It was nice to finally get a lot of junk off our chests. I feel no bitterness towards him, and I forgive him for his harmful actions. As well as he forgave me for mine. When my family harms me, I lash out in the most devilish ways. So, I have a lot of "reaction" actions, which I too, needed to apologize for myself.

Around nine o'clock that evening, I called my mother. I thought to myself, "Julie maybe it would do some good to reach out to her." My step dad had fed me a real sob story, about how she was sorry, and that she loves me, and misses Zachary terribly, and blah, blah, blah. Boy was I suckered in, because needless to say, she still would not face the reality of her wrong doings and be held accountable for her actions. We talked a total of two minutes, and in those two minutes I knew I was being played by her. Again it was all about her, and then she started patronized me and chastise me for all my shortcomings. She told me that I cause my husband to kill himself, and that I should have been a better wife to him. I just hung up.

I have to write that I have finally given up. She forced me to come to this decision. I know her better than anyone, and I firmly believe that she is the real one with serious, emotional, issues and mental health problems. She is clever though. Because instead of being accountable for her own behavior, she has manipulated everyone around her into thinking they are the ones with all the problems, and that she is their "cure-all" miracle worker. Sad when you think about it.

Before I hung up though, I told her all the things she has missed in Zach's life. Zachary is her only grandson, and how sad is it that he seriously wants nothing to do with her? Of course the family blames me for keeping Zachary away from them, but what they don't realize is that, it has been Zachary's wishes that I protect him for them. He is heart broken over how they treated him after his daddy's death. He is heart broken, because he knows what true love is, and well they haven't provided it to him. I have five step-grandchildren of my own. My son is fully aware that if someone told me I couldn't see my granddaughters, well...., he knows without a doubt that I'd be camped out on their front lawn, 'till I saw them, was removed by the police or pronounced dead; which ever one came first. That's what families are suppose to do. No problem should great enough to tear a family apart. At least this is what I believe, and this is what I have instilled into my son's heart. But my mom is too good to camp out on our front porch, and quite frankly, I thinks she thinks it's too much work. She isn't into anybody as much as she is into herself. I think he is also angry because they have been such cowards, and have refused to face my bitterness and confront my wrath of feelings face to face with me. He knows I would if that's what it took. My son is tired of their games. He has a friend since birth, and he and Hunter were best friends. That is until last summer, when my sister in-law kept texting Hunter's cell phone asking for Zach's whereabouts, and if there was any way to get away from me, so she could talk to Zach. That was two years ago. Zachary hasn't spoken to Hunter since then really. He doesn't want to have to deal with my family, their games and listen to them say horrible things about me. See, what I don't think they realize is that all their lies, and the fact that they were trying to steal him away from me- had a profound impact on him. He was ten when they started playing their games. He had just lost a father to suicide and now, they were telling him they were going to take him away from his only living parent. How crazy is that? Seriously, what child would not have been, scared to death, if they were in his position?

As for myself, I am a good mother. My son well behave mannerisms speak for itself. He speaks French fluently, makes the A or B honor roll each time grade cards come out, is very active in school sports and likes to volunteer his time to teaching small kids how to play football or basketball. Now you tell me, does that sound like he has a bad, unfit mother? He doesn't roam the streets at night, has never been trouble in school, and actively volunteers his own time to teach youngsters of a church youth league (and Zach hates church), how to play basketball. He was even a volunteer as an assistant basketball coach two winters ago, for a bunch of rowdy seven year olds. That right there speaks volumes, as to my merit of being his mother. Long ago I made it a personal goal of mine, that in life, I was going to be the opposite of my mother, and to raise my son in a trusting, loving, compassionate atmosphere.

I haven't felt this free in a very long time. I am successfully moving along with my life now. In 2010 I went back to school, and was a 4.0 student, and graduated top student in surgical technology class. I have raised an amazing beautiful young man. I live in a top-notch neighborhood, and have surrounded myself with good solid people. However, my life as Barbara Proctor's first child, has damaged me severely beyond repair in some areas. The pain is overwhelming when I try to possibly work it out by myself, it is simply too painful. Because of this, I'm not real social anymore, and I trust no one. There is nothing bubbly about me anymore. I look harden by life, and feel too much anxiety to have any friends. Everything I was, I am polar opposite of that now. My zeal and passion for life, and the thrill of living life to the fullest has all but faded into darkness. So far out of reach it is, I now look upon the world through cynical eyes, and I find myself questioning my belief in God more and more each day.

For me, it is like I cannot seem to get past the question, that has yet to be answered, "Why God? Why?" I'm so bitter about my family, that I cannot forgive them. I cannot face the mighty power of forgiveness- without feeling the might of the resentment first. You know, families are not suppose to hurt you. I'm the original member of Barb's family, and the first born. Where is my birthright? My brother and sister have their's. Where is my respect? And yet, it is my fault my family is divided. It pains me that I'm bitter, and cannot trust anyone any more. How does one actually face their bitterness, when it is so ugly to face? How does someone move pass that fear and instead turn in the face of forgiveness? With my history, how is it even possible?

Zachary, stopped believing in God, a long time ago. He prides himself on being an Atheist. And you know- he does a better job at being Christ-like, than do most of the so called Christians I was raised with. I am leaning more and more towards the reality that God doesn't exist. But perhaps, the practically and spiritual logic of a Buddhist lifestyle, is more realistic.

So what is a practical answer to forgiveness and healing? Therapy?

I have a good shrink. He was the first person to finally diagnosed me as being severely, clinically depressed, and I have PTSD. He took me off all that other medication thank goodness, and of course slowly prescribed me a cocktail of Effexor, Xanax, Trazadone and a B vitamin instead. Finally I was down to 7 pills, instead of unrealistic and harmful 48. Today, I only take Effexor for anxiety, blood pressure meds cause I'm fat, and Trazadone to wort off the endless stream of nightmares. I suffer from night terrors each and every night. It's a part of my PTSD symptoms. Nevertheless, my life shows you how powerful the need to survive, can will an injured individual, to positive aggressive behavior, in order to survive. I am proof that humans have a six sense or human instinct. People everyday turn their grievances into, into powerhouses of energy, with helps light the way as they grow into stronger, compassionate, and successful people; hence to survive, and too survive well. It is my hopes that my testimony will show future families how not to be, and survivors a chance to know they are not alone. I want doctors to stop with this peddle pushing of medications, and too open there eyes, so the next time someone like me comes along, they won't bombard these patients with crazy psychosis diagnoses, such as Borderline Personality Disorder. My mother thought I had BPD, and she thinks she is co-dependent. My doctor laughed, and gave me a card to have hand her, and told me she needed to give him a call. He was serious too. I share this little tis-bit with you, because it was my one, small, victory, in my eyes, when it comes to my mother.

I have come to realize that I cannot go any further with these people, who were supposed loving supporters of me. My rage is so severe, that I have had in the past murderous feelings at times towards them, especially after I have had a nightmare or flashback about my time in my life. Those feelings of murderous hate, doesn't come from the child abuse either, but it generally comes up when it has something to do with my son. There is this one particular memory, and when it creeps up, I just want to kill, because it truly breaks my heart each and every time it pops back up. It's an image of suffering and pain on my child's innocence face, and well, I cannot describe it any further. It's truly that hard to bear. But I think most parents are defensive when it comes to their children. I think it's probably like that with those of us, who genuinely love our children. Look at the Casey Anthony case. She is the most hated woman in America today. Why? Because she killed her innocence child. When someone hurts, beats, or molest let's say, your child for instance, what would be your reaction? I think it is pretty safe to say the first thing most parents want to do is kill the perpetrator. Well, I have those feelings towards some of my immediate family members. They have no clue the harm they done to us, or maybe they do and are okay with it; but it only enrages me. I don't know how to move past the bitterness and anger, and grant them forgiveness. A forgiveness, I truly don't think any of them of deserve. They are too selfish, and with that said, I'm at a loss when it comes to my faith, because my faith is based off the concept of turning the other cheek and forgiving those kinds of debts against us. Sometimes, I honestly don't think there is a God, and I'm just this big, old, fool who too scare not to believe in him. When I think about it- my family, especially my mother are living proof that God doesn't exist.

Thank you for reading my one and only self-pity, sob, story. Since I no longer have a family to communicate with, HubPages has become my creative outlet. I cherish each and everyone of you fellow fans and hubbers. Take care of your family, and those family members around you. Because a family lacking integrity is a family doomed to fail. Don't be like my family. Don't harm the ones your are suppose to protect and love. Especially when you are dealing with problems like these.

If you feel like you've been cheated out of money or whatever the case, which is the most common reasons why family fight, remember to be there when one of your family members needs your unconditional love and support, be there for them if will, please. Mothers & fathers- remember that it is the 40 yr old CHILD (or whatever age) whose forgiveness needs to asked from. NEVER is it the child's responsibility to apologize to their parents. Why? It's called unconditional love. That's your child, get over yourselves. Take my family, Barb is my mother- I'm the child. I don't have anything to be sorry for, and I sure don't have to help her, support her or make things right between us. I'm the child, she's the mother. That is HER job to do.

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Comments 29 comments

IntimatEvolution profile image

IntimatEvolution 2 years ago from Columbia, MO USA Author

I would be delighted to talk with you and will email you later. Thank you for your comment. If you want me to delete this because of your private cell phone number, I can cause I saved it. Contact me anytime at intimatevolution@gmail.com.


lulubelle7537 profile image

lulubelle7537 2 years ago from Colorado Springs. CO

Oh...my...freakin...goodness...I swear to everything I believe in and care about that reading this article, it was as though I was reading the story of MY life, in regard to your relationship with your mother. That's JUST how my Mom treats me. The first time I called her on it, I was around 25. She literally looked like she had no clue what I was talking about. My friends always mentioned it, everyone knew; she expects me to believe she wasn't aware what she was doing. She treats my brother, just seventeen month younger than me, completely different. I would really like to talk to you more, if that's okay with you can we maybe talk on the phone? I have never known or come across anyone else who has a fucked up mother as I do. I think you can answer a lot of questions for me. I have a degree in Psychology, perhaps I can help you, it's not just about me. We can start a support group or something :-D

My email address is jenstockton@ymail.com and my phone number is 916.225.7465...I truly hope to hear from you.


Eaglekiwi profile image

Eaglekiwi 5 years ago from -Oceania

As I read through your amazing very heart felt story ,the emotion that kept jumping out at me was COURAGE.

Every sentence ,every paragraph, Courage and so much Strength! I would even go as far as to say 'a supernatural strength ,and thats not meant to sound all'do do do do' just from experience when the mind and body experience emotional pain ,Gods spirit steps in and after a time ,you look back and think ,How did I survive that ,or Did I survive that even? God was there ,and still is a very big part of you and your loved ones!

An amazing story and an even more amazing person. I feel privilged to have been able to share in a part of your life.

P.S On the subject of forgiveness, remember that the 'act of forgievness' is as much for you (perhaps even more) than for the other person. I believe God understood just how powerful and unpredicatable emotions are ,therefore the healing happens when the heart forgives( le'ts go) of the pain.Look at forgiving as therapy for you!, it is not saying ,it was ok for my family to hurt me.

Knows you have the courage it takes~

Ok Ive rambled on enough.

Keep on keeping inspiring others!!!

Kia Kaha (Stay Strong)

Kia Manawa (Stay Determined)


IntimatEvolution profile image

IntimatEvolution 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA Author

Well I just found out that my mom has recently move to Idaho, lives with a traveling salesman named Bob. Amazing. I have ran out of emotions.


IntimatEvolution profile image

IntimatEvolution 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA Author

Prada, I don't think I can. I don't have the strength. Thanks for the advice though, I'll give it some thought. But I'm also of the opinion, it is THEM who be trying to fix things.


pradanugs profile image

pradanugs 6 years ago from chicago

You sound like you need to fix this. You will never be yourself until you face your inner demons... you were strong enough to beat an addiction... you can be strong enough to fix this with your family. you need them, your son needs them. Reach out! Extend an olive branch and see what happens! Deep down I'm sure you love them and miss them. The path of least resistance is to give up, throw in the towel... and blog about it. The hardest path is to face it, head on, and fix it. You can do it!

prada


Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

Hi Julie.

This must have been painful to write. I understand. It wasn't until I was in my late thirties, that I realized that I needed to forgive my parents, for me. I called my mom, whom I hadn't spoken to in twelve years, and said, " I forgive you for being a crappy mom. You did the best you knew how at the time."

Needless to say, she was mad and said she didn't need my forgiveness. But I needed to forgive her for me, so I could move on. I never actually called my "father". Tooo hard. What I did do was have a conversation with God (or it could be with any higher power). I realized that, for all intents and purposes, I never had the kind of dad a kid should have, and he would never be a dad for me, or a granddad for my kids. I had to let go. I forgave him, and just let him go. It is hard, but oh so freeing. Realize that your family, your mom, will never be a mom to you. You and she will never have a good relationship. And let go. Forgive her and forget her. Not for the rest of your life. Just for this moment. In this moment, find peace within yourself, for you and Zach.

For Zach, you are a terrific mom, a much better mom than you ever had. And that is a blessing to him.

Namaste.


IntimatEvolution profile image

IntimatEvolution 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA Author

Thank you for this advice.


Azaria 6 years ago

You don't always have to believe in God, but, choose a higher power to direct you, and guide you through the pains in life. You will find that you have a strength within in you. Use that strength for each new day. People only have the power that you allow them to have over you. Best wishes to you in your journey!!


IntimatEvolution profile image

IntimatEvolution 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA Author

It is so hard to trust in God. I've been leaning on him for six years now, and more punishment is the only thing he has given me. I feel like Job. However, I'm not Job and God isn't the same God that he was back then. I will say this though, I have had an overwhelming calm and peace fall over me these pass few days. I feel loved and calm. I cannot explain it. But it has renewed me a little. As you can tell with the first part of my comment here, I'm a little tired of God. I'm so ready to give up on God. I cannot take anymore of this suffering, pain and out an out bullshit. Those people are crazy-and they make me crazier.

But then again, this renewness; this peace and calm......., well it has to be coming from somewhere. I thank you all for every blessed prayer said for me. Because I think I just might be feeling the power of prayer. I'm humbled. Thank you MagicStar for your beautiful comments, your help and for sharing with me and the rest of the world, your story. Thank you.


MagicStarER profile image

MagicStarER 6 years ago from Western Kentucky

I understand you from the heart. I lived through something pretty much the same or worse. The way it got better for me was to comprehend that the ones who did the abusive or neglectful acts had probably been abused as children themselves and that they were not capable of understanding what they were doing, nor of doing better. I can't say I forgive it all, probably never will be able to do that. But at least I was able to give it a closure of some sort like this. And like you, mine continue with the harassment and hurtful crap. I have had to stop having any contact with several of them. Sad, maybe, but necessary for my own peace and quiet. You are very fortunate & blessed to have your son who loves you. Don't let these people deter you from knowing God. God is the source of all love and everything that is good. People who do evil and are selfish and greedy, the reason they do these things is because they have rejected him. So don't let that happen to you, too! I think there is a reason that we go through these things, to give us the awareness that we are not like that, and to comprehend that we receive the goodness and strength that is in us from God, and not from this world. God can cleanse all, and heal all. Turn them over to God and let Him deal with them. That is what I have done. It is a relief. Hope this helps in any small way. Trust me, I know the hurt that lives on for a lifetime and its effects. Sending love to you and your basketball player! :)


IntimatEvolution profile image

IntimatEvolution 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA Author

Just to let everyone know- my hub is back on again. I guess a family member of mine complained. Typical!!! However, thanks to everyone and their personal emails to me. I've been so freaking busy this last week, that I know I haven't emailed many of you back. It's not that I am ignoring you, or don't appreciate your words of wisdom- I'm just overloaded. Very overloaded! I've had tests on pediatrics, neurology, cardiovascular, my son has had track meets, Michael is back home, my real father is in the hospital, my best friends grandmother died today, and the list goes on, and on. So please know that I love each and everyone of you- it's just I cannot keep up right now. Every time I go to my email lately, someone has flagged my hubs now, so you know all the work that involves, and then there is NO time left to go through the rest of my emails and respond. So I'm sorry. I'm exhausted, and dishearten right now a little. Please just bear with me. Xooooooooooo's


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IntimatEvolution 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA Author

Thank you tfhodge, thank you so much. I hope so.


tfhodge profile image

tfhodge 6 years ago from California - U.S.A.

You did yourself a profound service by pouring out your feelings in the form of words. I am certain because I know the pain of losing someone very close. Thanks for sharing.


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IntimatEvolution 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA Author

Thanks Becky


BJBenson profile image

BJBenson 6 years ago from USA

I am glad you agree with me. For me it was best turning point in my life. Taking your power back will make you feel so good. I asked my husband what he thought and he said when I was able to do it , I became a new person. Good Luck, my new friend. Becky


etadjidine@yahoo.com 6 years ago

i like its.,.,


IntimatEvolution profile image

IntimatEvolution 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA Author

Oh my goodness, I could never be a military wife. But thank you for your service and your husband's service to this country of ours. My heart is with you. Much love to you, for all that you have had to sacrifice in the name of love and country.

You make a great point- I do give them power by letting them upset me. I do. And well damn it. Now that I can see that, I have a true sense of what I need to work on. Thank you for that. Julie


BJBenson profile image

BJBenson 6 years ago from USA

I know your story very well.I was lucky and married an Air Force guy and moved away. He will be retiring soon and we don't plan to return to anywhere our family lives.I also take trazodone and I can't sleep with out it.I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. Having met a lot of other people being a military wife.So many had family problems that it blew my mind. I learned quickly I wasn't alone. This may of helped me deal with my family.

That old saying you can pick your friends but not your relatives. I don't trust anyone but myself, because I know I can depend on me and the Lord.My prayers have been answered too many times for me not to believe. But I am not a church goer. NO,way.

I don't know if your pain will ever go away, or how forgiveness will truly ever come for you.

But don't ever let any of those people control you by letting them upsetting you any more. Please don't give them the power.

Some times a long rant as you called is good for the soul!

Good luck to you the ones you love.


IntimatEvolution profile image

IntimatEvolution 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA Author

MEVS.,and Custom., Thank you for your enlightening words. Me, I am proud of myself. And, thank you for letting that be ok to say. My son had no idea I was on drugs. Only found out on my 2yr. drug-free anniversary last Oct. 2009. Of course, it will be my 3 yr. Oct.26th, 2010. With that all noted, you know my son didn't have a clue. He had all the food he needed, never went without clothing-I did, but he had all the latest styles. He had his own TV, games- you name it- my son had it. During my crack addiction, which cost me approx. over $400,000+ dollars with the bank records to prove it; I had and still have great health insurance for him, paid for him to participate in extra. sports clubs and activities. Like I said, he had no clue. He told me last year, that one day he noticed that I wasn't so clouded, and that my pace had slow down. He wanted to why I was getting fat and lazy? Funny I know..........

The only thing my son is fully aware of is that I WAS, and at times still an emotional wreck. None of my so called friends before Bucky's death stayed around, and no family support- I cried, screamed, cried, slept, cried, screamed...., well you get the picture. But I was locked in my own room, so when I screamed "Why?", Zach would not see the anguish. However, he has. Sometimes it was too overwhelming to bear, so my anguish could release itself anywhere.

You can imagine how scared my son was when the clan, started whispering words of "Live with me, Zach..." I kept his life as normal as I could, so those whisper which soon turned to flat out statements- scared the poop-poop out my son.

So yeah, I'm proud myself. Because my son has always came first. He has only been spanked maybe three times in his life. And, when I would spank- I'd quietly tell him that, "he has to get a spanking now and that I love him." See I was hit a lot, and hard. It was SOOOOOOOO much harder on me to spank Zach. I'd be crying while spanking him- he be saying it's okay mom. (He only got two swats on the butt. I couldn't handle more than that.)

I'll never forget his last spanking. He was 10. After the two swats, he turned around and hug me and said,"Mom I was bad for running off. I needed to be spanked. It's okay, you didn't hurt me anyway." We both started laughing. But there we were, and here he was a 10 yr. kid, comforting his mother after one of my notorious spankings.

I love my son. I love my son so much. I love him. And to do any less than a thousand percent for him, well that's just not logical in my book. For that I am proud of myself.

Sorry for the long rant, Custom your words were just as touching as Me's were. I thank you again for you enlighten remarks.


customastrocharts 6 years ago

I'm sorry luv. Bad things happen to good people. I'm glad you are ok, though.


mevsmyself profile image

mevsmyself 6 years ago from United States

your story is very inspirational. I know it must have been a horrifying experience, but the way you have come out of it is so inspiring. Our families are the only support that we have in tough times and in your case, your family was the one giving you tough times. And you still managed to handle it and become a great mother. You should be proud of yourself.


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IntimatEvolution 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA Author

Thanks lorlie6, that is a great outlook. Your words have touched my heart, and mindset. Thank you.


lorlie6 profile image

lorlie6 6 years ago from Bishop, Ca

You have come a long way, my friend. It may be that you come from a horribly dysfunctional and abusive family, but you have changed that in raising a successful and bright son, holding him close-no matter what. And you are a brilliant student, and seem to have broken through, somehow. Even though you speak of no feelings, your writing reflects much caring and passion-may you continue to be the victor!


IntimatEvolution profile image

IntimatEvolution 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA Author

Katiem2, all my love my friend. All my love. I never meant to hurt you by writing out my life's story. Apparently it has touched you in a place, that is so precious, that I feel stupid for publishing it at all. However, please understand that I know each and everyone of us has our own unique stories. This is my story. You should write your story. Much love kiddo- much love. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO's


katiem2 profile image

katiem2 6 years ago from I'm outta here

I lost my sister, baby sister and it still stings, and I lost a best friend as we were repelling on a Sunday afternoon, I watched above as his rope snapped and he feel to his death, This is a moving and reflective moment for me, I now feel a clinching in my throat and leave with that. PEACE :)

P.S. To say the least, very well written...


IntimatEvolution profile image

IntimatEvolution 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA Author

Kimberly, Bob, I love you. And thank you for understanding. I wish they would.


kimberlyslyrics 6 years ago

girl;

. I trust no one. There is nothing bubbly about me anymore. I look to harden, and feel to much pain to be bubbly like I once was. My passion for life, and the thrill of living has all but faded into darkness. So far out of reach it is, I now look upon the world through cynical eyes, and I find myself questioning my belief in God more and more each day

believe me I gt it. Can't respond here. Let me dry my eyes and email you better

so proud of you and thank you for sharing. I know how difficult that is.

you are not alone.

Kimberly

I'm sending a mail.


no body profile image

no body 6 years ago from Rochester, New York

Julie, you probably won't believe this but I think I somewhat understand and would listen should you ever wish to talk. I send you my love, and friendship. I know you feel cleansed by what you wrote and I pray you find peace. Bob.

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