Breaking Up Is Hard To Do, How To Make It Easy

The break up can be one of the hardest parts of a relationship. Many people just don't know how to break up with a partner gracefully, or even effectively. A break up is always painful, but it can also be annoying, or plain old dangerous. A good break up should be a clean break, without restraining orders, or jail time, or the typical lingering ex.

If you're considering ways to break up with your significant other, check out these options, they may be slightly unorthodox, but if they go according to plan, you will definitely be single, perhaps for a very long time.

Let the listing of methods begin:

The Fake Death Method – As funny as this one sounds, some people do actually try this one. When their partner tries to call family and friends, they get their nearest and dearest to claim that they have passed on to the other side, and can therefore no longer be in a relationship. This one is so old that it is almost a cliché, so if you're going to take this option, you need to really put a modern twist on it, don't just pretend to die and then get caught a couple of months later in the dentists waiting room or whatever, put more effort into it than that. You want this to be a long term break up right?

If you really want them to believe that you are dead, make them think that somehow they killed you. Try lying down next to their car wheels, covered in fake blood, or perhaps if you can get into a tussle with them, you can fall over and pretend to smack your head on a table or something. Once they think that they've killed you, they will have to go on the run, which means as soon as their squealing tires head out of town, you can just get up and go on with your life. They'll be hiding out in the hills somewhere, while you date freely without the hassle of being reported dead to your boss and your insurance company.

The Sex Change Method - This really is a modern approach to breaking up. Claiming that you're gay was popular in the 80's, but nowadays, being gay is almost not even an excuse to end a relationship as everyone is pretty much bi anyway. What will really put an end to almost any relationship is a sex change. If your girlfriend has been getting a little clingy, and pushing you to marry her, then showing up to dinner with her folks in a nice floral gown and some stylish pumps should really end your relationship surprisingly quickly. If you live in conservative areas, be ready and have a car with the engine going waiting outside. Later on you can hook up in the hills with one of the partners of the people who pretended to be dead.

The 'Go Crazy' Method – Going crazy is a totally respectable past time in the modern age. Check yourself into a nice mental health facility, and let your significant other see you slobbering all over your stylish straitjacket. Going crazy has the added advantage that you will be able to scream insults at the person you are ending things with, without any of the normal rancor, in fact, you can say almost anything you want, and they'll have no recourse, apart from a smug sense of satisfaction that you've totally lost it. Enjoy your holiday from reality for a few weeks, then return to your life. It's now frowned upon to discriminate against the mentally ill, so your life should be largely unaffected except for the fact you'll get more fear based respect.

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Comments 4 comments

LatexLeah profile image

LatexLeah 8 years ago

Regarding the "Sex Change Method". I can personally vouch for its effectiveness. However, I'm not into floral prints. I find PVC miniskirts, preferably in the always fashionable jet black, virtually guarantee results. 4" stilleto heels and an emerald green clingy tank top complete the perfect "break up" outfit. Be sure to get a nice manicure beforehand. Nothing says "Bridge Out Ahead" like waitress red nails on a guy.

Take it from me though, going on the lamb in the hills in heels and a short skirt is really rough. First of all, shopping in the hills is a bitch. No Victoria's Secret, no Sally's Beauty Supply, not even a damn CostCo drug store. Ever tried shaving with a rock?

And Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend types who believe they've killed their ex-boyfriend/girlfriend are poor company. They tend to be a melancholy lot and are stingy with compliments about your personal appearance. They also cry a lot and never seem to have a mirror or that perfect shade of lipstick in their pocket that you desparately need to get through the day. All in all, the experience is like being trapped in an Ingmar Bergman film, only not as happy.

Hope Alexander profile image

Hope Alexander 8 years ago Author

Thank you Latex Leah, for once more sharing your wisdom with us. We are all better off for it, of this I am sure.

LatexLeah profile image

LatexLeah 8 years ago

Wisdom? I'm just trying to be half as funny as you are! :)

Hope Alexander profile image

Hope Alexander 8 years ago Author

Aw :) Thanks for the compliment. I believe you may be underestimating your own wisdom, however. I didn't even think to consider the effects of faking your own death on the new partners of one's guilty ex. Woe!

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