Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

Are you really done breaking up with him?

A lot depends on why you broke up. Anytime there is a restraining order, no friendship can come.

Fifteen years of ex's under my belt, and very few have survived to become true friends.

But yes. Yes, after a considerable amount of time passes, after you have both really moved on, yes. Yes, you can be friends.

I say, the two big reasons why normal people that have had an average break up with no restraining orders, cant stay friends are:

  1. You aren't done dating.
  2. Or you aren't done breaking up.

And I think the real question might be why would you want to?

Let's first look at the break up. Are you done breaking it off? Do either of you have unresolved anger towards the other? Do either of you feel like you were taken advantage of, or taken for granted, and haven't fully expressed this in a cleansing way. The first relationship -lovers- has to really be over, before the second relationship -friendship- can begin.

Is wanting to be friends now a subconscious excuse to be around this person so you can find closure on unresolved things?

And the opposite is true, too. Did you break up because you cheated? Did you take her for granted? Did she find out you lied about your ex?

Is wanting to be friends now, really a product of guilt you have for how you were as a partner? Do you feel you owe your ex, at the very least, your friendship?

These are not the kinds of preambles that will result in good friendships. Be clear about the break up in your mind, and make sure your ex is too.

If you truly want to be friends with your ex, it should be because you like him as a friend. It needs to be because you are willing to work at what might be a very hard friendship to solidify. What attracted you to him or her in the first place, is probably still there. She may still be the coolest person in your office, that reads the same things you read and enjoys talking about those books over 2am coffees at bad diners. He may still be the guy with the best sense of humor, that's happy to go to Ranger games and Crobar, and shares a lot of your interests. Your ex may still exist in the same light in which you first saw this person. Maybe dating was a mistake. Or maybe it was worth a shot, but sadly it didn't work.

Be clear, however, that there is a difference between working at a friendship with someone worth it, and the possibility that you are just avoiding the fact that you need to move on.

There's habit and familiarity here, which are huge things and should not be taken lightly. Do you want to be friends with your ex because he's so exceptional, or because he's so easy and convenient?

This is someone who already knows your friends, your season tickets, your habit of not showering on Sundays, your secret love of the Golden Girls. You don't have to explain yourself; you don't to go through that awkward sometimes painful getting-to-know-you phase. I classify this under "you aren't done dating yet." There are many aspects to what you had as a couple. Obviously there was sex. And if you two haven't gotten that out of your system, that's an issue all its own. But there is also that comfort zone, where you don't have to stress any of the fear factor parts of dating again, and learning someone new.

Now here's another thought: Just like the idea that the reasons you liked this guy in the first place still exist, there's another list that still exists too. Odds are all the reasons you decided in the end that you do not want to be with this girl also still exist. You couldn't put up with her obsession with American Idol when you were dating her, can you deal with it as a friend?

While you're deciding, life is going on. And here's my going forward advice. Make sure you're finished dating this person. Make sure you're done breaking up. And then, after that is passed, make every effort to maintain at least a casual friendship if this is someone who is in your life anyway. If this is a person who is part of your circle of friends, someone that you are bound to bump in to time and time again, someone that your friends know and will continue to socialize with, make it easy on everyone including yourself. Be a grown up, have some maturity, suck it up if you have to, and really try.

It will make everyone and every event more comfortable. You will look polished and mature, and easy going. You will be assured inclusion in any group events, even those reserved for couples. Then, if it does turn out that this ex is someone you would really cherish as a friend, you've paved the way.

If you like this HUB please click the “Thumbs-Up” below just before the comments.

Thanks!

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.

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360 comments

hedgeek profile image

hedgeek 9 years ago from Low Earth Orbit

Excellent article, there is a lot of food for thought here. Personally, I have never had much success in staying friends with an ex. As you pointed out, there are many factors that will dictate the possibility of lingering friendship. There can also be character issues in play that make you step back and say. "I really don't like this person" once you remove the intimacy. It can also be too painful to be around someone after a breakup. I totally get what you are saying, but even long lasting friendships can be broken beyond repair in certain situations. And of course, sometimes you don't get to make the choice.


louiesd92103 9 years ago

well , i think me on the other hand is crazy. but it did happen like this . i was in a relationship for 4 years . i love this guy so much and would have dome anything and did everything for him . we meet on a chat room on our cell phones and we talk for about a year e mail and phone so we came to know each other.i move to his state and we lived togethere . after 4 years we split but we stayed living togethere we moved into a 2 bedroom apartment and he has his new lover staying with us . it hurt a lot in the beging and i went threw a rollercoaster ride with it but it was i that asked his new partner to move in with us. there happy and iam happy . he is a true friend of mine and i love him very much not like he loves his partner but as a friend . everytime i tell some one abouth this they allways ask are you crazy . i and i say " A partner will come and go but a friend will allways be there "


Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY Author

louiesd92103, you are a step above everyone else. You're beautiful.


deadraven999 profile image

deadraven999 9 years ago

Hi there, I may add to the two reasons you put up there, another reason which is:

they are done breaking up but they just could not get over it. Memories linger and sometimes you stay with that particular person maybe as a friend as it may appear to everyone else including your ex but deep inside you wish him/her back again. You may categorize this as an identical thing to your second reason that is they're not done breaking up. But in my point of view it differs, coz the break up here is already done they moved on but both or one of them can't just forget the other person, can't get over it, so she/he chooses to stay as a friend just to be close to his ex and with the hope he gets her back again.

People of that sort are two kinds:

First: Those who claim to be just friends with their ex after they had already separated but hoping to be back FULLY to their ex. Yes he says she is just a friend now but deep inside he still has this little hope to have her change her mind, break up with her new bf hence have her back again, he lives on this hope.

Second: They claim to be just friends hoping to back PARTLY, meaning he broke up with her or she broke up with him, he has a new gf, she has a new bf but he won't mind dating his ex secretly behind his new gf's back or what you may call it cheating. He just can't be away from his ex even if he/she cheated.

To answer your question can ur ex be ur friend post break-up? yes but it isn't an easy thing to do. It is possible if you've lost totally interest of your ex as an opposite sex u know what I mean ? As for me I would still be in good terms with my ex but can't be a close friend coz she isn't yet out of my mind as a woman despite the break up.

Thank you for the interesting topic


Ellie McHale profile image

Ellie McHale 9 years ago from Menlo Park

Great article.

A lot of what you had to say I needed to hear right now, so thank you!


sweet revenge profile image

sweet revenge 9 years ago from dreamland

gosh!!i just think to move on and don't want to be friend with my ex anymore. but then when i read your articles it suddenly open up my heart again. maybe i should cont be his friend.but...ther's still an anger in my heart..argggggggggggghhh!

-i might be nice but i ain;t fool fucker-


lea walker 9 years ago

me and my boyfriend were together for 4 months, 2 months before i had to move to uni. i warned him that the distance would be hard but he said he really wanted to be with me...2 months later we broke up because he found the distance too hard. i'd still like to remain friends with him but i think it's because i just don't want him to forget about me. we haven't spoken for 3weeks and i don't know whether to give it time before we talk again? or if we talk again?


Changie 8 years ago

I think you can...Be friends with your Ex...If they're cool with it

I broke up with my ex but we're good friends now...

How mean was I to be..I broke up with him

But he still has feelings for me....He's not willing to move on yet

It's been like 3 to 2 months already..

But I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I told him we

could just be friends....until I was ready for a relationship

We'll he's only my first so I'm still new in dating

But I'm his second ex already

And It was just this year too

To think of myself...I was so rude to him to just Break up like that

Sometimes I still miss him though:(


Squirrly 8 years ago

So you are stringing him along then, what will happen is that he will end up hating you.

I saw that situation happen to my friend, it took him the best part of 2 years o recovery and he tried to kill himself, be honest with him. If yu want him, go for it. If you don't then, tell him that properly. You are lying to him, friends don't lie to each other

Fantastic article by the way,


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Hey Squirrly,

I am so sorry about your friend. In all my HUBS I preach honesty. I get your point exactly. Just be honest. Tell your would-be partnerd what it is you want. Ask them what they want. You might be surprised at the answer. Just be honest. With the other person, and with yourself.


blerim profile image

blerim 8 years ago from BOSTON

I think in most of the cases it does not work out being friends with your ex due to that special connection you have had in the past. I have been married for 26 years and I have experienced a few of these situations and let me tell its very hard to be friend with your ex. Great topic.


Sophia Sparx 8 years ago

Unfortunately, I don't think it is possible to have a close relationship with your ex - at the same time, it is possible to have a casual relationship with them, calling for birthdays and inquiring about their family. My full thoughts are on: http://sophiasparx.blogspot.com

~Sophia Sparx


zach808 profile image

zach808 8 years ago from Southern California

Here's an answer to that question...No you can't be friends with your ex. I've been there, done that, and let me tell you it's just drama. The only thing it does is remind you why you broke up to begin with. A clean break is the way to go and maybe in a year or two revisit the friend thing. But being friends soon after the break up is just asking for trouble.


Changie 8 years ago

It might happen that you just happen to be friends with your ex depends on that person if they're ok with it


rizter_26 profile image

rizter_26 8 years ago from Jakarta

fascinating and informative. now i understand why me and my exbf are good friends. and why his new gf is jealouse of me.. hehehe.. keep up the good work.. i hope i could also pulish my own article soon...


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

well I was with my lover for 33 years..many reasons we didn't tie the knot..not that it matters in the state we live in..it is 50/50 nomatter what.  what's mine is his and what's his is mine...He walked away for a Younger woman..and just left me here with everything. says "I can have it all"  yeh..I don't want it all...friends..yes..because I still am in love with the bastard..but have set him free..if it is meant to be he will be back...if not it wasn't meant to be.

His saying is "you had me for 33 years..now let her have me"..well I am at the point She can have Him..more power to her..I will always be his friend..he is a dear child of God no matter how I hurt or feel..I forgive him his sin..but I can't forget it..  so be it...This is a great hub my sweet one...Thanks for all the good advice..advise? which one is right?   G-Ma :o) hugs


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Big hug, G-Ma!

Thanks so much! I always love your comments.

Wow, that is something. 33 years... I am amazed at your realistic Words about it. I'm so sorry you hurt. I can't even imagine...


AW 8 years ago

It's nice to be able to be on friendly terms but that's not always possible. You're right about that being a problem when you're not really fully broken off from "dating" the other person. Works out best if both people are able to fully break away and are solid enough on their own to remain helpful friends. You most likely know the other person really well (and vice versa) and its ideal if you can both encourage each other to move on for both your betters.


ElleSor profile image

ElleSor 8 years ago

Oh, this is good!


Sandilyn profile image

Sandilyn 8 years ago from Port Orange, FL

Good hub. It is always best to stay friends, if you can. If they abused you, then that is a different story. Otherwise burning bridges, either personally or professionally is never a good idea. I have tried to remain friends with my ex boyfriends. We all need our friends


Poxy 8 years ago

hiya everyone,i think being friends with an ex immediately after the relationship aint gud.jst goin thru a break up and we thought we could handle being friends.at first twas ok,then we were soon having sex.....with no strings attached bt that is a lie,there are always strings attached.now he became jealous abt me and we quarrelled so badly i think he even hates me now.its called learning the hard way and i feel nbad abt it coz i wanted to remain friends bt i think i will let things cool off for now.maybe later we might try it out.only thing am praying now is that i don't become pregnant after this break-up sex coz it will be soooooo sooooo BAD!!!!!!so no friendship till all barriers are erected and u have no feelings at all.


hopeless 8 years ago

hey everyone

id like to add my 2 cents. we broke up about 4 months ago after a 3 year relationshipd. he now has a new gf and it really kills me but i would rather have him in my life as a friend than not have him in my life at all. however any advice on how to move past the "maybe we will get back together" phase would be great, cause i would really like to move on i just don't know how.


meepits 8 years ago

to hopeless,

it's great to know what you would like to move on. it's the first step of moving on. don't expect yourself to move on fast. the process takes time. i myself just broke up with my ex 3 weeks ago. and yes, i too had the "maybe we will get back together" phrase, even though he cheated on me.

i'd suggest you keep yourself busy. it'll keep your mind off of your previous relationship. exercise is a great thing. it makes you happy and keeps you fit. share what's on your mind with your confidante. talking through it helps.

While doing this, DON'T ever try to contact him, looking at his pictures or anything that reminds you of him. listen to feel good/upbeat music. and like i said, don't expect to be okay overnight. it takes time. time will heal.

All the best to you =)

__

my ex contacted me asking if i wanna meet up with him. I didn't reply him. I feel that it MAY be good to be friends with him as he was an acquaintance when we were kids. but after reading this article, i am convinced that i should keep a distance from him until i am done breaking up with him. am i going to be friends with him? time will tell- but for now, i wont meet up with him and spend more time with my new bf ;D


Sandilyn profile image

Sandilyn 8 years ago from Port Orange, FL

I commented to this hub before but I had to comment again because what you wrote about how what attracted you to the person in the first place and the things you have in common. Well sometimes love never goes away. For me and my ex husband it never went away and we have always been most comfortable with each other. We have also never found love with any other person like we have with each other. So not only can you remain friends, watch out, you could get back together!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Sandilyn, Thanks for the additional comment. I know you're right.


Marisa Wright profile image

Marisa Wright 8 years ago from Sydney

Your point about being careful you're not hoping to get back together is important. Maybe YOU don't want to rekindle the spark, but be careful your ex isn't harbouring any hopes. He/she may think that because you're being friendly, you haven't quite closed the door - and that will harm them because it'll stop them moving on.

I find the biggest hurdle to retaining a friendship is partners - either his or mine! When my marriage broke up, I'd like to have stayed friends with my ex, but his new wife couldn't cope with the idea. Similarly, I know my new hubbie is uncomfortable when a past boyfriends gets in touch, which is why I don't encourage it.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Marisa,

Yeah, there's a whole thing there, with the current partner being uncomfortable about past partners. This isn't to you in particular, this is just a general observation. There's a lot to consider: does the current partner have a reason to be uncomfortable? When the situation is reversed how understanding are you? Do you really want to be with someone that makes you give up other relationships that are important to you? Is your current relationship lacking the key elements of trust?

Each situation is different, but I'd offer this basic piece of advice to most. If the relationship is good and trusting, then do what you can to help each other feel comfortable and keep moving forward. What I am saying is, the sacrifices you might make in the beginning stages of building a relationship are not necessary as time goes on. It's the same with other relationship elements too, such as finances and personal space. In the first year of the relationship, if there is uncomfortableness, don't hang with your ex. Don't have those friendships that make the new partner uncomfortable. Expect the same consideration in return. In a couple years it won't matter so much. My husband and I went through those careful stages. Now, 11 years later, he'll actually take me to see my ex's band play when they're in NY, and to the backstage party afterward. Trust takes time. I advise letting it build over time.


Marisa Wright profile image

Marisa Wright 8 years ago from Sydney

Good advice, Veronica.  However I do think that some people can never deal with it, and perhaps they're in the majority in this world.  One of my ex's (what's the plural??) is getting married at the end of May, and I'm invited to the wedding.  I mentioned it to work colleagues (to explain why I'm taking leave) and the reaction was universally, "that's w-e-i-r-d!". 

I've started telling all kinds of people about it, just to test the reaction, and I've yet to find someone who'll just say, "that's nice"!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

That is odd, Marisa. I wouldn't have said the majority, but that's based on my own experiences and the column. When I invite people to an ex's concert, or art opening or something, the reaction is "That's great" 9 times out of 10. Maybe it has to do with where in the world we are? I know it's not uncommon here. Many of my friends are still pretty friendly with their ex's. Or, it could just be the kinds of circles we tend to keep.


Chris201 8 years ago

I think the circles is a good point. I'm in a band. Many of my musician and artist friends are friends with exes and it is kind of the norm in those kinds of people's lives. But like the office where I have my day job I know it's not common.


Sandilyn profile image

Sandilyn 8 years ago from Port Orange, FL

I know that I commented on this hub before, which is very good but I had to write again.

You can be friends with your ex. No matter which kind of ex that is. I have an ex boyfriend that I am still friends with. We email and we talk on the phone.

I also have an ex husband who is also my friend but he is more. He has always be "The One" (that was our wedding song too). Big changes have happened in the last 7 months and we are getting back together.

He is moving back home! So not only can you be friends, you can get back together and more. Keep in mind that we spent 14 years together and we have known each other for 20 years but love is love.


Scent profile image

Scent 8 years ago from Berwick, PA

I can not because of hurt that it caused. There is an ex boyfriend that I could be friends with though but he can't handle it because he still wants me. He left me saying that I am to good for him.


godfrey profile image

godfrey 8 years ago from California

It blows my mind the extent to which many humans are un-evolved. My sense is as follows:- the basic problem is that so many people are so non-self-actualized or so devoid of emotional refinement...to the extent that relationships are actually not clearly possible.

When people operate at the simplistic level of need, mutually mature relationships are not possible. I have always maintained that IF YOU NEED TO BE LOVED, YOU ARE DOOMED. When you don't NEED, you can have great relationships. You will also have enough control to choose those psychologically clear minded humans with whom to interact.

The likely state of many readers would be to dismiss these comments as academic and abstract. But as long as people remain emotionally unrefined and unresolved, intra-relationships will never work.

On the issue of remaining friends with an ex, if all I have indicated above prevails, then the efficacy of friendship with an ex stands or falls accordingly. The question is: are you emotionally mature or not? Is your ex? If you had been friends, who, in the spirit of friendship enjoyed the fullness of Being, would you break up? Why?

The question, as you can see, comes complete with its answer. It is NOT the relationship. It is about WHO you are. If you were the best human you could be, you could replicate yourself in the one you chose. Show me your friend, and I will tell you who you are. Do you know who you are? If not, wait until you do. Your choice represents a total sum of you. Your choice of another represents your expression of value. For at any given time, a person is the total sum of his or her consciousness. What you do not know could destroy you.

I challenge great thinkers to disprove my thinking...

Godfrey Silas


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Godfrey,

Thanks for the great comment. Well thought out and well said. Truly a quality addition to the forum. Thanks!

V


joseph h profile image

joseph h 8 years ago from Australia

it depends on whether they DUMP u and treat u like a piece of shit. u can chose. i hate her so much don't i sumich. she is a slut. she cheated on me 9 times.


solarcaptain profile image

solarcaptain 8 years ago from california

Nice Article. May I give you my take on the subject? One of the things I have learned in life is that it is essential to be friends with anyone with whom one is planning on a long term relationship. Friends before, in the middle, in the end, and ever after.

I am shocked when I see how two people who had described their partner as a best friend will treat them. No friend would put up with some of the stuff that is laid on another in the name of love. Cheating, lying, financial chicanery, sexual exploitation, and other forms of abuse.

Perhaps there is an element of lust in every situation when the players are enamored about something they see in the other that is attractive. "love at first sight?" Certain smells may create powerful feelings between persons who may not realize why they are attracted to the other.

Both males and females seek out the opposite sex as "friends." true friendship requires a commitment of time and risking rejection. A female is seldom going to be rejected in a sub-group of males. the male who works his way into a female group by "doing for" or taking care of their little needs and wants has not really found friendship, but he is willing to delude himself just to get close to a female or females.

Usually the well balanced individual is capable of being with all kinds of persons, without the need to manipulate or exploit others. Veronica is right. She is absolutely on the mark in the conclusion that we must "know ourselves," first, before attempting to know another.

Sadly, many have not gained the skills in a normal family that helps the developing person set limits and abide by the limits of others. Without this important developmental component, the ability to interact properly with the world is difficult. Rather than go through the painful task of finding themselves, they go through life imitating others, while missing out on the richness of honest feelings of intimacy and love. Also these individuals eventually give themselves away for the hollow shells they are.

The expression " I love you" will usually turn to hate immediately if the other person decides to leave the relationship. the true test of friendship is how the friend reacts to unfavorable news from a partner. Having to obtain a court order against a former lover and "friend" tells all.

Good article. Thanks


Arizona divorce records 8 years ago

After my divorce we really tried to stay friends but on early stages it was way too hard and on later stages way too awkward. I guess its different when you have kids to look after. Not in my case.


epictruth profile image

epictruth 8 years ago from Frisco

I can't tell you how many times I have had this discussion with my friends/girlfriends, family.... It seems that no one is able to maintain a relationship with their prior loved ones. I guess I'm not sure why it is such a problem. It's about maturity in my opinion. If you are mature enough to love you should be mature enough to accept their differences and respect them as individuals.


cassie 8 years ago

I believe that maybe you can be friends with an ex but the problem lies that you may still have feelings for each other or he may make it almost impossible for you to move on to a better relationship so in that case being friends with him can be like a hurdle but if you make the hurdle you may feel a thousand times better than you did not all friendships live on just like not all relationships live on but overall you should do what's comfortable for you just don't have sex with him again because than you are considered a booty call


Destinyrk2 profile image

Destinyrk2 8 years ago from http://hubpages.com/my_ideas

Veronica, This was a very informiative article.........But I have had the pleasure of being married four times to my "Friends" and everything was fine as long as they got their way.

For example my Third wife whom I have a son with had a fight with her new husband and needed a place to stay so I asked my preseant wife if it was OK for my sons sake for them 2 stay with us, everything was fine as long as I kept giving, but when I stopped she sued me for full custody I lost my son. So can I be friends with my EX........................ Well I try but its a 2 way street so (IMHO) No, but it doesn't mean the EX doesn't try.


roses 8 years ago

if ur relationship was based on friendship to start with it is reasonable to expect you can be friends after a break up with a little time in between to take stock. if you weren't friends already then i don't beleive you will become friends after a break up. im great friend with my ex we both have new partners and go out together with and without out new partners, we can trust ourselfs and our parners trust us too. that is the most important part of remainin friends after a breakup bein honest with each other and new partners about the relationship you both share. i beielve you can love a friend and stay happy as friends without it impaction upon your relationship with a partner. as long as everyone stays honest about the situation.


DLV 8 years ago

My gf and i broke up about 2 months ago, and with school getting ready to start i'll see her prety much every day. She said she still wanted to be friends and so do i, but when i saw her at the store a couple of weeks ago it killed me, and i did everything to avoid her seeing me. We went out for 5 months and i still have really strong feelings for her. We were really good friends before started going out but now i don't think i can talk to her face to face cause all of the memories of us will keep popping in my head and that's gonna keep me from ever moving on:( i wish i could just tell her that i just wanna kinda avoid her without sounding mean. I still love her so much and i just wanna get over her already and seeing and talking to her everyday surely won't help.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

DLV,

You have every right to some space after a break up. It doesn't mean you don't care, or that you're being disrespectful, or that you can't be friends in the future. It's just a healthy normal part of the healing process to want some distance right now. If you can avoid her a little that would be great. If you need to say something to her, then do it. Just be honest and say, "As much as I'm sure we will be friends in the future, right now I need some space so I can heal. Please respect that, it's important to me." If she isn't mature enough and respectful enough of you to give you a little room for a little while, that isn't on you then.

Good luck.

Veronica


Lydia 8 years ago

Lovely article. I'm in high school and dated by boyfriend for 7 months (not long, but still) and then he went off to college in another state. It seemed best to break it off, but it's not easy. We were close friends before we dated so we both want to remain close friends. It's difficult because the only reason we broke up was because of distance. So we're trying to stay best friends but we both know if it wasn't for geography we'd still be together, so it's hard and confusing. I guess we'll just take it as it comes and see how everything goes.


Amber 8 years ago

My ex broke up with me about 2 months ago. We were best friends in our relationship, little detail? when we first got together 2 years ago he was looking for a friendship and so was I, both of us had just broken up with our SO at that time. Of course one thing lead to the other but my frienship grew into love and he never really got to love me in that way I guess. He did love me but not like I did. We will do everything together, family parites, holidays, vacations etc. He broke up with me because he said he loved me but he wasn't in love with me. I kind of knew that so I accepted it trying to hold my heart together at that moment. We dediced we were going to remain friends and then we started to go out and have sex and of course that messed me up again. I told him that I couldn't do that anymore and that if we are to be friends we need to cut the sex. He said he has never been more attracted to someone than how he is towards me but he respects me and we will work things out to have a healthy frienship. It has been very hard but we don't talk much anymore, no phone calls no texts, gmail once in a while.

He asked if we could have lunch this week I accepted. It seems like he can't let go either but I think is the familiar feeling. If he couldn't love me before, he will never be able to love me in that way. I accept that and I rather have him as my friend, I will move on and I hope he finds happiness.


alambal 8 years ago

i love u


alambal 8 years ago

i love u


alambal 8 years ago

i love u


solarcaptain profile image

solarcaptain 8 years ago from california

The hurt may go away and someone else may come along but the deception causes a catch in my throat so that it is impossible to derive any satisfaction out of knowing she was not my friend at all. But there is more, much more than a relationship gone bad.

Gradually some insight breaks through my granite brain and I realize the flaw in myself, overlooked, thanks to an over sized male ego, was my desire to control. In doing so, I lost direction and became a mirror of the puppet wall projections described in, Plato's Shadows on a Cave.

Your article is provocative and brought up some real feelings I thought had put away some time ago. Every close relationship seems to be a learning experience, therefore not wasted. Falling in love can be a wonderful thing and for me, becomes memories of good times and warm feelings to be held closely.

That is where I want to leave everything and not have it revisited in the form of a "friend," once lover. It is too complex for my wee brain and sometimes untrustworthy emotions to handle. I am afraid my all too human reaction would be to constantly seek out the answer to the question, what does this person want of me? What new unpleasant surprise awaits my falling defenses? I have learned how precious are the human feelings that guide most of us through our personal encounters and attachments. Honesty is a wonderful thing.

To do this is to look deeply into the self and discover how little effort was expended to appreciate and understand the other,( the author is speaking first person here), thereby breeching walls of caution and prior learning from the essential person's family and friends, values that are held important as a cultural ideal. I won't suffer you the usual, boring cliches about men and boys understanding ,or lack of of it, about the opposite sex or same sex feelings towards other people in general.

The need to be ONE with another, to avoid emptiness, loneliness, or existential angst, that awful fear of being nothing without intimacy with another person, is a terrible taskmaster that may drive an otherwise sane person to act in ways that are contrary to reason, leading usually to a predictable and unsatisfactory conclusion. Things like restraint orders are all too common, especially where there is a personality disorder( who is supposed to know this?!)present.

The task then, if we are to answer some of the questions posed by our search for happiness with another, is not to look at the other as a source for our own demons, and our feelings of sadness and depression. Especially since it our habit(or need some would say) after a failed relationship to meet up with the same person, only an inch taller or shorter, but similar traits and temperament, however, so we may recreate in the new relationship what we vowed to never do or be again. When the end inevitably comes, we are angry, humiliated, and totally drained psychologically, spiritually and mentally. We want to blame someone. It just seems natural to do so. blaming is a blind alley, however, that leads nowhere in life's imperative to seek the truth. Meanwhile, Like a horse returning to a burning building, we return to what we know and feel comfortable with. We reject what we don't know, even if it points to escape and a different and more promising ending. The promise is that some will stumble on or be given the truth and create new realities among those we love and love us in return.

Thanks for your post.


buddingwriter 8 years ago

I would say it depends on the situation.


Koyo profile image

Koyo 8 years ago from Cambodia

Oh great, but so complicated. That love just think is not enough but test it with your lover is the best for starting now on. Great ur writer, u so beauty smile, hope u kind to live honesty and freely enjoy life, so find the way you go for fun.


bill yon profile image

bill yon 8 years ago from sourcewall

i was friends with my ex for years.we would sit around and discuss problems that we are having in our current relationships,and just vent off steam,and then make-love like rabbits,cause for some reason you can say things to your ex that you can't say to your girlfriend when my ex was having problems we would hook up and she would vent rant and rave about her boyfriend and i would actually give her my honest opinion on whatever situation she was going thru with her boyfriend,a mans opinion, she would continue to vent and after a while after she had cooled down she would go home.and when i had problems i would find her and rant and rave and she would share advice and we would bump uglies and go our separate ways this continued for ten years up til the day she got married.for ten years no one had a clue that we was friends,after she got married our friendship ended and i haven't seen her since.yes you can be friends with your ex but the feeling's are always going to be there,and the funny thing about is when you are not in a relationship the relationship runs smoother.


pcdriverupdate profile image

pcdriverupdate 8 years ago from VA

Great hub. I think you can be friends with your ex given that the reason for the breakup wasn't too terrible. I just think both have to have moved on and found happiness with another before you are truly able to be friends with your ex. While one or both of you are still single I think there will always be some confusion and one may think more of the relationship than just friends and that pressure will likely backfire.

I would love to hear someone's thoughts about when there are kids involved. I have 2 children with my ex and I suppose we are still friends. But I think it is only because of the kids. If not for them we probably wouldn't talk. Due to that we never really had the time apart that I think is healthy after a break up. So the moving on process has been slow and torturous at times.

It is confusing for me though, because I would have liked to resolve our problems and stay together as a family but she does not feel the same. We still spend time together sometimes and I will think something is happening and feel like it is ok to kiss her but then I am met with the cold turn of the head. It is so confusing, I am completely fine apart from her but when we are together sometimes I just get those old feelings I suppose. I really don't know what to think, does part of her want to get back together and she is just not ready? Or is she just fine being close as friends and really want nothing more? Sometimes I think she is just letting me stay close so she won't lose me completely. I really try not to assume anything, I will be fine either way it goes but I do not deny that I would prefer to reunite, she is the mother of my children and I will always have love for her.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

pcdriverupdate,

That's a very interesting point you brought up, that you and your ex did not have the time people need after a break up for separation and regrouping, to heal, because you had to see her so often for the kids. I'm glad you brought that up. People need time in order to move on, and you didn't have that, which like you said has made the process slower, and perhaps harder.

I do not think staying together for the kids is ever wise. The children are never better for it. The only reason to be with someone, is because you love each other and treat each other good, with respect, empowerment, and appreciation. For whatever your reasons, you and your ex parted as lovers and companions, but that doesn't mean you have to end your friendship. That is entirely up to the both of you. However, if you are still in love with her, that is going to make it really hard for you to have a friendship. 

As far as your confusion, you haven't relayed any mixed signals to me, or any indication that she wants you back. From the outside looking in, i think it just sounds like she accepts that the father of her children is part of her life and she's allowing that to be. You haven't shared anything that says she is in love with you, or wants you back. So I'm not sure where the confusion comes in, or why you think she may. Maybe you are picking up signals you haven't articulated here. Or maybe you just wish there were signals. I really can't say.

I don't have enough to give you specific advice but I will say this. Do not fester on the misguided idea that being together for the kids is what you should do. It's not. But if you are in love with her, and truly believe you can be a good and fair partner, then clarify it. Be clear, and make her be clear. That's the only answer.

Ask her if you can have a serious talk with her. Don't just launch into it, ask her permission for the talk. Then, tell her clearly how you feel and what you want. Even if these things have been said before, do it for yourself now, if for no other reason than for closure. 

Then, listen to what she has to say. If she wants to talk about it, if she has questions, if she gives any indication that she feels the same, then you have something to work with.

But hear her if she says no. Here her if she says there will not be a reunion, and get on with your life. Let go of the idea that maybe it's ok to kiss her like you indicated you sometimes think. And just see her as the mother your children, and hopefully one day a friend. 

Best to you.


pcdriverupdate profile image

pcdriverupdate 8 years ago from VA

Veronica,

Thank you for the response. I agree that it is not right to be together just for the kids. I believe if we can be in love again then only then should we be together. We were best friends and a great couple. We are still very compatible and most of all we were a great team in every way. She once commented "it was too good to last." so if that is any indication. We broke up over a misunderstanding, it was her choice and I respect her decision.

She hasn't indicated that she wants me back but she has certainly left it open as a possibility. She says things like "if we don't get back together" sometimes when we talk about the future. She will give me long hugs sometimes and tell me how alone she is. We will watch movies together some nights and she will snuggle close to me or let me massage her head or back, etc. She really comes off as just not knowing what she wants. She was pretty clear that she doesn't want to be with me, so sometimes it just feels like she may just be saying these things and letting me do these things to keep me close enough for just in case. I almost feel used sometimes. I do a lot for her and the kids and maybe she is afraid she will lose that?

Moving on has certainly been a slow process but I have come to be mostly indifferent except for when I am around her and she confuses me :P I guess I am still pretty indifferent when it happens, I'm not completely bummed and depressed like in the beginning. More just irritated. But I suppose that means I'm not completely moved on if it affects me at all?

I do hope we can stay friends as we were friends for 5 years before we got together. Time will tell. Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your time.


asdf 8 years ago

One thing people always forget is that in almost every breakup, there is one partner who wants to leave, and one wants to stay... Friendship is all well and good for the one that has made the emotional detachment, but doesn't work so well for the other. It's almost impossible to get over someone when they are still around. Feelings good and bad fade over time - you should give them a chance to fade by not thinking or interacting with the person that's now in the past. Do it out of respect for yourself, your ex and your future partner. Some say a friendship is possible after time, but do yourself a favour and don't stir up old emotions by considering it... move on - the future lies ahead of you


SuperStar 8 profile image

SuperStar 8 8 years ago from Indianapolis, Indiana

I have never kissed anyone :C


manish_01 8 years ago

hi

how r u


alc 8 years ago

I really enjoyed all of the comments and it really helped, but I think im still inlove with my ex but I don't want to be. Its crazy but I want to be his friend and he has a girlfriend. How do I get over him emotionally but still be his friend. We don't talk at all, but I'm just still crazy in love. I have tried to move on but my pass relationship keeps affecting me so im just alone now and don't know what to do.


BizzyMuse profile image

BizzyMuse 8 years ago from Southern California

I really enjoyed your hub and your perspective. I think that a lot of how we deal with an ex has to do with how we handle relationships in general. Thanks for sharing!


JustTyler profile image

JustTyler 8 years ago from New Zealand

Very good hub Veronica.

I think most people rush into the friendship too early and don't have time to clear away those feelings. If you we're truly friends before I think you can become friends again but you need the closure first.

I recommend not talking to an ex for at least 3 months after a break up so you can get that closure. Then maybe after that time you can see if there's a friendship still there.

As long as both sides have their closure... I think it can happen... but it's not the easiest thing in the world. And you have to be true to yourself about why you really want to be friends after all...


marycon08 profile image

marycon08 8 years ago from Philippines

wow cool hub...

hi there veronica... let me share to u bout my ex's they still my friends...though 1 of them didn't contact me at all...maybe he still love me though...despite of it...he prefer to keep his silence through the years.

all of my ex's is still want me to be their friends...its kinda awkward..but sounds cool...after the long run...their you are... still talking & laughing each other.

Its really a good feeling that both of you not ignoring each other..when you both of you living in the same town. Its a reminisces...but some certain relationship...never end up friendship....some guys are too hypocrite that they don't wanna go friends..or assuming checking you webpages but ignoring our msgs. Thats because they knew that they are the one who made your relationship fall..or didn't work out.

But for me.... its kinda cool being friends still with your ex's getting along each other when both of you have your own family.

Because " If you were'nt to be so be it! there is always someone somewhere that will come along your way and you could finaly say " This is it".

:)


marycon08 profile image

marycon08 8 years ago from Philippines

wow cool hub...

hi there veronica... let me share to u bout my ex's they still my friends...though 1 of them didn't contact me at all...maybe he still love me though...despite of it...he prefer to keep his silence through the years.

all of my ex's is still want me to be their friends...its kinda awkward..but sounds cool...after the long run...their you are... still talking & laughing each other.

Its really a good feeling that both of you not ignoring each other..when you both of you living in the same town. Its a reminisces...but some certain relationship...never end up friendship....some guys are too hypocrite that they don't wanna go friends..or assuming checking you webpages but ignoring our msgs. That's because they knew that they are the one who made your relationship fall..or didn't work out.

But for me.... its kinda cool being friends still with your ex's getting along each other when both of you have your own family.

Because " If you weren't to be so be it! there is always someone somewhere that will come along your way and you could finaly say " This is it".

:)


TravelMonkey profile image

TravelMonkey 8 years ago from United Kingdom

Grat Hub, thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

I don't think you can be friends, you split up for a reason and it just gets weird


shimmergoddess profile image

shimmergoddess 8 years ago from Bay Area

I belive that if you were ever REALLY friends in the first place, it should be not only possible but necessary. The problem is that most people don't really ever get the chance to be their partners friend before all teh relationship stuff gets in the way. I love my boyfriend of 7 years very much and honestly if we ever broke up I am sure he would have a hard time being my friend but I would want to even if it hurt to see him move on. I want him to be happy more than I want to be jealous. I want to share my new love, my new life with him becaue noboby understands and knows me like he does.

It takes being in a "grown-up" relationship to start to achieve success.

jen


SuperStar 8 profile image

SuperStar 8 8 years ago from Indianapolis, Indiana

I thought I gave this hub a comment but it`s not here? Do you know why?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

I see one from you about 5 weeks ago, 10 comments up or so. I have no idea why you can't see it.


Heather 8 years ago

I thought this was a GREAT article. I was with my BF for a little over a year but was madly in love with him. I thought he would be my last BF...I was wrong. He wasn't honest to me about a lot of things & after he dumped me, I found out more things he wasn't honest about. We have been apart for 7 months & have only seen each other twice in that time frame. Recently, I have opened up the lines of communication & have "tried" to be friends/cordial with him. It is not working. I think I fall into both categories (unfortunately). The 2 times we have seen each other, we have had sex. (Bad move, I know) But aside from that, it is clear that we both still do things that the other doesn't like. How can you be friends when that happens? I realized just today that I get absolutely NOTHING out of this friendship or whatever it is. He doesn't call to say hi or see how I'm doing. Its simply idle chat...about nothing. I asked him today to do me a tiny favor & he couldn't even help me out. I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that he won't ever change & he seems to be getting worse. Sometimes you need to just walk away. As much as it hurts (and it does) it is better in the long run. The more time you spend pining over your ex & hoping to have a friendship that isn't working, you could be putting that time & energy into someone new. Someone who wants to spend time with you, someone who wants to call you to say hi & see how you are & most importantly, someone who will give as much to the friendship/relationship as you do.


princy3 profile image

princy3 8 years ago

WELL I THINK THERE TWO SCHOOL OF THOUGHTS HERE.1. IT IS NOT BAD FRATERNIZING WITH YOUR EX.I BELIEVE WE TACKLE THE PRESENT THROUGH THE MISTAKES WE MADE IN THE PAST.BY BEING O.K WITH YOUR EX , YOU GET TO KNOW WHY IT GOT TO WHERE YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOT TO,SO THAT YOU CARRY IT TO YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP. ON THE OTHER HAND, IT NOT GOOD TO DO IT SINCE YOUR EX MIGHT NOT BE OVER WITH THE BREAK UP.THERE AN AFRICAN PROVEB THAT SAYS "MAN'S HEAD IS NOT A PILLOW WHICH YOU CAN LAY ON" WHICH EVER WAY ,IT A THINK TANK.


don't want to love 8 years ago

my girl and i broke up about 6.5 months ago (april 16th). we were together 6 years. it wasn't pretty. during the 2nd week of may, i found out she had beeing seeing someone else since april 7th. i was crushed. from april until may, i begged and reduced myself to some desperate pitiful being in efforts to win her back. once i found out she'd begun seeing someone while we were still together, that when i stopped calling her, showing up at her place and emailing and texting. i just stopped and continued to spiral into severe, deep depression. while out july 4th weekend (1st time out of the house in months), i ended up running into her and her new girlfriend. they were standing in the parking lot of a club making out. it stopped. we chatted. she appeared to be incredibly happy to see me. her new girl was not. anyway, we began talking on the phone and texting each other. when i asked her if she still loved me, she said she wanted to meet in person to talk about it. we met up. we talked. she complained about how dumb her new girl was and things she didn't like about her and the reasons why she didn't believe she loved her. i listened. felt hope of us getting back together. we continued to talk for a few more days, then she told me she wasn't ready to be my friend. i didn't take that very well. i continued to call her, asking her to be my friend. we met up again and she told me she only felt friendly toward me. i left her alone again. then, out of the blue about a month later, she called me and asked if we could be friends. she said she ended the relationship she'd been in, and detailed some of the reasons why she didn't want to be in it. i admit, i was HAPPY! but, i told her i didn't know if i could handle being her friend. ends up, i tried. we began to talk everyday, txt everyday, we hung out on the weekends. two times i told her i couldn't be her friend b/c it hurt to much. she didn't feel for me the way i felt for her, and it was hard for me. each time, i ended up hanging out with her again. yes, i was hoping she'd realize how much she still loved me and we'd be together again. she ended up moving out of state (to her "home"), saying she'll be back in 4 months. that she needs to get her head and life together. we hung out together right up until the night before she left. we ended up kissing that night. i loved it. it made me happy and sad and confused all at once. since she's been out of town we pretty much continued to talk (even talking about sex). the other day, i asked her to clarify her feelings for me at this point. she said she only has "friendship love" for me. i told her, i thought she felt more b/c of how much we hung out and talked and the kissing. she said she acted that way with me b/c she felt comfortable and we have history. i was stunned. i honestly thought the kisses had pretty much sealed the deal on the fact that she felt more for me than she was letting on. she told me that isn't true. she said she didn't do anything to mislead me and she's sorry if she hurt me. she only wants to be my friend. she said she thought we "had an understanding". i was crushed and heartbroken all over again. so, after reading the posts on this page, i told her (last night), that i cant be her friend. it hurts too much. i cant be friends with someone that i feel so much more for. she said she's sad that the only time we'll talk is if she calls me. (i told her we can call each other on holidays or birthdays or if she get really depressed and doesn't have anyone to talk to). i doubt she'll call. besides, her and that other girl text each other periodically. even tho' my ex says she doesn't have any feelings for her. i apologize this is a long post. i left a lot of things out, trying to shorten it. anyway...i don't know...i guess i just wanted to talk to someone. my heart aches. i do miss her. i do love her. a part of me feels like she only wants to be my friend b/c she doesn't have anyone else in her life, and i'm convenient. she's always been the type to find a distraction to get over pain or avoid issues. i feel i've been a "distration" since she ended that 4 month fling she began while still with me. i wish i could tell you EVERYTHING, but i'd end up writing a novel. i don't know. did i do the right thing? how do i keep myself from contacting her in any way. how do i make the love go away. it's like i hate the way i feel about her. i don't want to love her.


8 years ago

Don't want to love - you're worth more than that - do what will make you happy - but it sounds like you're on the right track


bloodluster profile image

bloodluster 8 years ago

like you said it depends why you broke up but i prfer not to tlak to my ex bfs well mainly cause he is a stalkerish creppy is but we both got to the same school so it is hard to avoid him but ya but i still talk to all the others and still even flirt with them sometimes


KyRktect profile image

KyRktect 8 years ago from LEXINGTON, KY

Attention Veronica & all women. Make note....Men can not be friends with a woman after any type of emotional relationship. It is not possible!! Do not fool yourselves. Jerrys & Elaines do not truly exist. That is one reason the show was so funny....because it's impossible. If you believe you are part of one....he has conned you....sorry.

I am a man. I know hundreds of other men. From personal experience & from knowing these other men....I tell you.....we can not truly be friends with any woman we find attractive or have loved. No matter how much a guy has told you he can be "just friends" with an ex, he is either lying to you, himself, or both. It is impossible.....I am sorry. We are pigs. I could explain more. But I might as well start my own blog to explain why.


chinemeremz profile image

chinemeremz 8 years ago

well I goofed yesterday I met with an ex, she was looking dashing; but I still think I deserve better.

I know from the look of things we cant even stand the sight of each other.

But I wished we could remain as friends

Your guess is as good as mine...


hasandaas profile image

hasandaas 8 years ago from florida

Great article, Talk about not wanting to admit it!! gosh, i think unraveled a lot of peoples guilt here they may have not wanted to admit to, al least to their relationship at the time.

I especially loved that part where you said "Is wanting to be friends now, really a product of guilt you have for how you were as a partner? Do you feel you owe your ex, at the very least, your friendship?

Because i am a witness of this reasoning, The cenario is that, @ couples broke up due to his reason of the relationship not going anywhere; and that all we have done is fought and argued..well ok! how about trying to work it out, i geuss the guy already had came to the conclusion that he wanted OUT! so it was down hill from that point on. Well when it came time to break the news..giving the obvious break up pitch "I THINK WERE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS!" To be honest he could have cared for even that much towards the end, however he felt guilty for not letting her know sooner to what led him to break up with her today! and so yes! at the very least he thought he could atleast be there for her to support her as a friend than to leave her all togather!


Suzi 8 years ago

give them your heart and heaven....if your behaviours don't match then you are not ready for each other....take "time" away....have faith that the outcome will be far better.....you have learned so much about yourself through them...xx


SuperStar 8 profile image

SuperStar 8 8 years ago from Indianapolis, Indiana

Nice article! :)

Oh, and I can see that now. Guess I didn't look enough.


xmas-great! 7 years ago

df


SimpleSImon 7 years ago

My ex and I split up about 4 months ago after being together for 2 years. Since then we have spoken every day, texted and emailed. We see each other almost every weekend. The reason? He is my best friend. I want to get back with him but he doesn't want to get back with me. I accept that one day and disregard it another.

It hurts like hell at times and I know im dragging the pain out by keeping in contact with him and seeing him so often, but the alternative is even more painful. he is such a big part of my life and whilst I have other friends and busy myself with the gym, work etc - the thought of not speaking to him hurts more than anything else.

Lose / Lose situation eh? Damned if I do and damned if I don't. Ive read every post here and I can relate to a lot of them but you always tell yourself "my situation is different" - which it is to an extent. So what have I decided to do? To stop intitiating the emails / texts and meet ups. if he wants to see me then fine, but it will have to fit around my plans and not mean me reorganising everything so i get to see him as usual.

Im not against meeting someone new but I know that wont be easy as I have set my standards very high and don't have the same high regard for myself as I expect to find in others.

Who knows, I may look back on all of this and realise I was wrong and time apart was the best way of getting over it, but time will tell I suppose.


Shawn 7 years ago

Of course you can be friends with your ex. I just chosed not to be. Every time.


Amber90 profile image

Amber90 7 years ago

There is such good commentary here. I would add some but I think both sides to this question have been answered above. I have been through both good and bad - have maintained friendships and completely broken off. You can still be friends, but that is also the hardest part - you shared your most vulnerable emotion and were intimate - you cannot allow your emotion to overtake your logic - that's when friendship works I found.

However there are always "those" relationships where you simply cringe at the fact "you just...did that - ew". I found that's when friendship is an impossibility. great article - i got a little carried with my response - but I guess that means you nailed this hub!


Jamie 7 years ago

My ex bf of a year and a half didn't even tell me that he wanted to breakup. He finally apologized and we're now friends. I'm happy about it. When he apologized he talked about my first ex bf or 3 years. We're still gonna hangout and see eachother but we're not getting back togther anymore.


moneymakersguide profile image

moneymakersguide 7 years ago

interesting... I didn't think it was possible to be friends with your ex but you make some good points:)


divinely blessed 7 years ago

It is possible to be friends with your ex.As everyone has already said you just need to be sure not only in your mind but in your heart that you are past being or wanting to be lovers.there is nothing worse than a double heartbreak. Just like any healthy relationship you obviously need to talk about it and set new boundaries cuase some people,especially the ladies read things all wrong.I guess for me when i was making the decision to be friends with my ex I had to ask myself: will i be willing to loose such a good friendship?because other than being lovers we were also friends....and we were and still are great friends.We just have different expectations now that our relationship has been modified.


Nina 7 years ago

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. In the beginning of our relationship he and his ex had just broken up. He said she started dating someone soon after and he got angry and didn't want to speak to her. I was a dancer and he ended up not having a dance partner (since they broke up) so he asked me and I accepted. I had no idea what had happened between them and didn't ask. I had a boyfriend at the time too and broke up with him a few months before I started dating my current boyfriend, severing all ties because I knew he was still in love with me. 6 months into our relationship he suddenly started talking to her again. In our class, she was flirty with him and not too nice to me, but not catty. They began to become friends again and he asked if he could go to lunch with her to get over things and I said it was fine. The next week, he sounded strange and said he needed to go somewhere. It was only after his friend told me that I found out he went out to lunch with her again, but this time didn't tell me. This was 6 months into our relationship and we are now at 4 years. We have broken up a few times over this ex and his friendship with her. And during our breakup, guess who was at his house? He still to this day denies anything going on between them during our 2 short breaks. I just don't understand it. Also, he would see her without my knowledge and talk to her and just omit to tell me. I have developed quite a dislike towards this girl as I don't know her that well to judge her. Just the things that have happened, like them having long conversations or her asking him for a ride or to help her with something. I'm not sure if they're being friendly or what. To this day, she still sends him small business emails and occasionally a phone call or text and of course he never tells me. And I've seen him reply back though he says he doesn't. It's not like it used to be but it has really taken a toll on my relationship with him as I cut the ties with my ex before him. I'm not sure if he's being nice but I'd really like someone's opinion. We are now living together and I think he might propose to me within the next few months. He says he desperately loves me and he treats me really well. Just the ex stuff. Should I be worried or was it and is it just him being the nice guy he is? I wouldn't want to marry someone that was still thinking about what could have been with someone else.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Nina,

The fact that he has lied about dealings with her, and keeps it from you when they exchange emails or texts, is a very major red flag.

To tell you the truth, I don't know if there is anything still going on between them. He may not be cheating. But he lies and keeps things from you. It's not right.

Men have a tendency to be secretive about things that matter. I think she matters to him. I think even the smallest contact from her means something to him, so much so that he holds it tight and close, and keeps it from you. Sure it's probably easier for him not to tell you - he doesn't have to deal with jealousy or explaining or anything. But I think it's more than that.

He's not over her. You need to decide for yourself what you're going to do about that. If it were me, I would end things. Give him his freedom and see who he chooses. But, in the long run, I wouldn't want to be with anyone who could lie to me like that.


ejb profile image

ejb 7 years ago from Kent

This is great, i really like this


canguy2009 7 years ago

Yes you can be friends after a divorce. In the beginning it can be tough, but if the two can make it through without consistant emotional conversations. Well that is strength on any level of as marriage or even friendship. Many people who say that departing and taking timei is a way to move on with life, well sometimes that can be a cowardly thing to do. It is like running from issues that need to be dealt with or can be healed. If you can still fix this issues through a friendship because it helps to even learn for yourself before you make mistakes in future relationships or in your new life. Higher statistics show people who run to new relationships and never fixed or learned from the one before usually never works out. And of course we can right 1000 books on whether or not you can be friends, well, not all break-ups or people are the same...and if there is a reason why two people are still complaining about one another if they should be friends, well they seem to keep contact on any level if they are in these forums as we all are..........we banter about the ex's because we all have some sort of emotional connections with them....we all were together in the first place for a reason....


Wez  7 years ago

Hey Veronica,

Great Hub, well done for a full and understanding approach to what is without doubt a complex and delicate subject, I agree that it is very hard to remain friends with an ex especially if you have been together for some time as you just have so much 'past' between you which simply gets in the way even if you have managed to come to an amicable parting of the ways.

Nice work I'm sure you've helped many.


leledawriter profile image

leledawriter 7 years ago from lafayette (from da chi), IN

good points..i like it!


KateWest profile image

KateWest 7 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

Good post! I answered this very question a few months ago (yes, it's hard, but it can be done, depending on the relationship and not always recommended). But if you are interested: http://www.bettyconfidential.com/ar/h/a/a01610.htm...


rocky 7 years ago

helloo its really hard to seeeee ur ex as ur best friend u cant i mean imagine ur self that u have been in a relation for more than 4 years how can u seeee him as a friend after all this years u spend together its really awkward i cant do this the best way is to erase him/her from your life completely soo that you can heal ur broken heart....... that my suggestion


VideoAgent profile image

VideoAgent 7 years ago from Montreal, Quebec, Canada

I've been through a few long term relationships, and I managed to stay friends with a few of them. I found it often depends on her new partner as well...


starbaby83 7 years ago

IVE RECENTLY GOTTEN MYSELF INTO SOME SERIOUS SHYT, A GIRL IVE KNOWN SINCE I WAS 12 YEARS OLD (IM NOW 25) WE WEREN'T REALLY FRIENDS FRIENDS BUT WE GREW UP IN THE SAME NEIGHBORHOOD WE HUNG OUT OFF AND ON A lot IN HIGHSCHOOL AND AS WE GOT OLDER WE LOST TOUCH AND THEN FOUND EACHOTHER AGAIN AND THEN LOST TOUCH AGAIN AND NOW WEVE FOUND EACH OTHER AGAIN. AND THAT WAS BACK IN NOV WE FOUND EACHOTHER ON MYSPACE AND SHE CONFIDED IN ME ABOUT AN EX THAT SHE HAD BEEN WITH FOR 3 YEARS AND HOW HE AND SHE HAD BROKEN UP AND THEY WEREN'T TALKING. LONG STORY SHORT SHE ENDS UP FINDING A GUY SHE REALLY LIKE SHE S CHILLIN WITH HIM AND REALLY LIKES HIM AT SOME POINT SHE AND THE EX GET BACK IN TOUCH AND START HANGING OUT AGAIN TRYING TO MAKE THINGS WORK. SO SHE STARTS BRINGING HIM AROUND ME. OFF THE BAT WE ALL WENT TO HIGHSCOOL TOGETHER SO I KNEW OF HIM DIDN'T KNOW HIM PERSONALLY. SO SHE AND HE START CHILLIN WITH ME A lot CUZ IM THE GOOFY SINGLE GIRL... SHES PRETTY MUCH TOLD ME EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM SO I KNOW HIM PRETTY WELL BEFORE ACTUALLY KNOWING HIM YOU KNOW. SO HE HOOKS ME UP WITH ONE OF HIS FRIENDS AND THEN GETS MY NUMBER FROM HIS FRIEND TO TALK ABOUT ( MY FRIEND) BC THEY ARE HAVING ISSUE SO BASICALLY SHES TALKING TO ME ABOUT HIM HE STARTS TALKING TO ME ABOUT HER A lot . AND IVE BEEN THERE FOR HIM THROUGH A lot OF THEIR RECENT UPS AND DOWNS. JUST THINKING I WAS BEING A FRIEND. SO I DON'T EVER CHILL WITH HIM WHEN SHES NOT THERE NOR DO I CALL HIM BUT WE TEXT ALMOST EVERYDAY AND HE WILL CALL ME EVERY NOW AND THEN AND WE JUST CRACK UP AND HAVE GOOD TIMES ON THE PHONE. HE CALLS ME HIS BF (BESTFRIEND) AND I CALL HIM THE SAME SO WHEN WE NEED TO TALK WE VENT TO EACH OTHER SO RECENTLY THE VENTING GOT A LITTLE OUT OF HAND AND HE JUST CAME OUT AND TOLD ME HE HAS FEELINGS FOR ME NOW... AND I FEEL THE SAME WAY OMG HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN I FEEL SO ASHAMED. HE AND I TALKED ON THE PHONE FOR OVER 2 HRS LAST WEEKEND AND WE ARE SO COMPATIBLE ITS CRAZY SIGH...... I CANT HELP BUT THINK OF HER. WHAT AM I GONNA DO IF THEY GET BACK TOGETHER? WHAT AM I GONNA DO IF THINGS ACTUALLY GET SERIOUS WITH HIM AND I HAVE TO TELL HER IM SCREWED. I NOW FIND MYSELF THINKING ABOUT HIM A lot AND THAT BOTHERS ME BC WE WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO FRIENDS BESTFRIENDS. AND NOW WE LIKE EACHOTHER. THAT'S ACTUALLY THE EXTENT OF WHERE ITS GONE WE HAVEN'T SEEN EACHOTHER SINCE WE REVEALED OUR FEELINGS HE WANTS TO SEE ME BUT I WONT LET HIM COME OVER MY HOUSE I KEEP AVOIDING HIM WHEN HE CALLS I DON'T ANSWER BUT IM FEELING HIM SOMETHING AWFUL IM HAPPY BECAUSE I LIKE SOMEONE WHO WAS actually man enough to admit he liked me but hes off limits cuz hes my friends ex :(


jtboswell profile image

jtboswell 7 years ago

My husband tried to be friends with his ex wife and she thought it was an an offer to intrude. I think it can be done but you have to watch people motives... She still is a trip.. Love your hubs keep writing


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

JTBOSWELL, Thank you!

There are certainly a lot of variables. But I do think it can be done if everyone is honest, level headed, mature, and if there are no remaining romantic intentions.

I've been so upset by this hub. It was plagiarized on yahoo answers by this little thiefshit named Mike S

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=200805...

and no matter how many times I report it to yahoo, yahoo does nothing. They say more people have to "complain." Can you even imagine the kind of retarded logic that is?? Grrrr.

Don't trust yahoo. they have absolutely no respect for copyrights.


Andrew 7 years ago

"And the opposite is true, too. Did you break up because you cheated? Did you take her for granted? Did she find out you lied about your ex?"

I found this statement very offensive, being that I was dumped before the summer of 2008 for no apparent reason whatsoever and I felt I was taken for granted. This seems to me like a stereotype on men who cheat and take women for granted and I thought I'd share that this was offensive to me, since it does go both ways, women can cheat and can also take for granted.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Andrew,

Apparently, you didn't bother to read the article.

"She may still be the coolest person in your office, that reads the same things you read and enjoys talking about those books over 2am coffees at bad diners. He may still be the guy with the best sense of humor, that's happy to go to Ranger games and Crobar, and shares a lot of your interests."

The entire article shows examples of both ways. There is nothing in the article that says this is one way, and only applies to women who've been cheated on.

I'm offended that you'd make a comment stating the article says something it doesn't. Pay attention.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

I think that when you first break up it's very difficult to remain friends. You need time apart, to get on with your life, move on and heal. You need time to grieve the death of your relationship. Further down the track, you can be friends, but it'll never be the same. The closeness and trust might be gone, or you might feel jealousl when you see your ex with someone else. I don't think it's impossible, just very difficult to do and probably takes a special person to achieve friendship with the ex. I'm not sure I can be that special person, then again, it does depend on how in love you were and what caused the break-up


edu.amado profile image

edu.amado 7 years ago from Houston, TX

Very good article!

Even though I haven't managed to become friends of any of my ex's, I do think that it is somewhat important to try and do it.

I think that one of the most important aspects of becoming friends with the ex is to have a pretty good relationship to begin with. If during the course of the relationship you become true friends, it is hard to take that away after you have broken up.

Best,Ed.


Troydon 7 years ago

I have a friend called Ally. She is going out with a bi*&h called adam. she is still in love with her ex boyfriend robb. she does not let adam go out, yet she is allowed to go out and all she does is goes out to parties and calls her 131ADAMTAXISERVICE and gets picked up weneva she feels like going back to his house and getting a little bit of action. meanwhile, adam sits with his friends troy jake lawrence and rachel and crys like a little girl, pondering at the time, counting down how long allys going to take to call him while shes out cheating. during school ally flirts with robb and adam knows about SOME of it ;), yet he still takes her back.. what do you think about my friend adam? do you think he should man up? do you think ally and robb should still continue being friends/lovers?


Erick Smart 7 years ago

In some cases yes you can be friends but in so many too much wrong was done by one or both parties to ever really be put behind.


Veronica 7 years ago

Me and my ex jus recently broke up about a month ago. I was the one who broke it off with him but i realized that was a huge mistake a day after and now im dieing for him to come back to me but he wont because i hurtd him to much he says. But before we dated him and i were best friends we did everything together pretty much and now i agreed to keep the friendship goin but i still have hopes he will fall for me again like before but now reccently he started talkin about the future on how he might meet somone new and how hard it would b for me. And when he told me that, my heart jus shattered but i also come to realize that it s also time for me to move on. A part of me wants to stay friends and ill get through this but also the other part is just hurting and hoping he will come bac to me. i kno people say yea its ok and then no its not ok but what should i do? Weve been best friends for a yr b4 we messed around and i truly love him as a friend but also i dnt want to lose that friendship, It was his idea to stay friends with me cause he didn't want to lose the friendship either, im soo confused. Any advise?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Veronica,

What a lovely name, btw ;)

It actually doesn't sound like you need advice. It sounds like you have a very clear and mature grasp of the situation, and that you are very open regarding the future. The heart wants what it wants. There isn't too much you can do right now about wanting him. Giving the situation more time will help. I do think it's significant that he is the one that wants to remain friends. Since there are no other new partners involved, I see no reason for you to just be patient and keep on doing what you're doing - trying to be a friend, and hoping for more.

Be honest, be open. Be ready. Who knows, maybe when he's done healing he will be ready again.


Ally 7 years ago

My boyfriend, Adam always lies about his addiction to drugs. i have tried to tell him to be upfront with me about his addiction, yet he continues to lie. Furthermore, in response to Troydons comment, Adam regularly goes clubbing against my wishes, this is hard on me as i am younger then Adam and am woried that he is mixing with older female company. i am concerned about his loyalty to me.What should i do? help!.


somebody 7 years ago

I personally think that it is too hard to be close friends with an ex because there will always be one person that hopes they'll get back together. I think if you know you'll run into your ex from time to time that its good to be on friendly terms, but I don't think its a good idea to hang out with them somewhere or have long conversations on the phone because it wont allow you to get over them and move on. The person who is hoping to get back together will think if their ex is on such good terms with them, why don't we just get back together? I think its healthy to have a grieving period, especially after a long-term relationship.


Jo 7 years ago

I think for me the question is "why should we be friends?" I met my ex-bf over 8 yrs ago, we dated on and off for 1.5 yrs and it was plagued with screaming terrible fights. He was misery incarnate. He has this dark unhappy cloud that surrounds him, sort of like Pigpen and his dirt from the Snoopy cartoons. We broke up and tried to be friends, but it didn't work so well. We would hang out, end up sleeping together, then the next thing I know he starts dating someone else and can no longer be my friend. Then when that ends, he comes back wanting to be friends again, tells me how the other girl had all sorts of problems and how she wasn't as good, thin, pretty as me. I told him he wasn't going to find someone like me, and maybe that's a good thing considering how much we fought. Well, we tried to be friends, end up being cozy, sleep together and then again, he would meet someone else and drop me like a hot potatoe. After several attempts, I finally told him to just stop. Stay with the next girl, find happiness, but don't come back. Well, he stayed with the next girl for 2.5 yrs, but didn't find happiness, and BAM! he's starting the whole process again. Now, I no longer think it's possible. I know I'm his safety net/fallback girl and I'm just tired of it. I've had this conversation with him last week and he says he really wants me to be a part of his life. Unfortunately, at this point, I don't really care what he wants anymore. (I know, it's a mean thing to say.) I asked him why he wants me in his life and he says he doesn't know. He thinks he may be trying to make up for some of his past mistakes when we were together. I tried to tell him I'm over it, I forgave him and I've moved on. But I don't think he can. It sucks because I sound even more like an @$$hole for not trying to maintain a friendship. At what point do I get to say "I tried it, it doesn't serve me and now I want to move on without you being a part of my life" and not feel loads of guilt? BTW...he's still misery.


LetsBumpFuzZiez 7 years ago

I just had a talk with my new gf about this topic. I am the type of person that likes to be in touch with good people, even if I've broken up with my ex's in the pass. This article hit all the reasons for my explanation of being friends with my ex and I totally agree. Now what happens if you fall in love with a new lover who does not want you to be friends with your ex. How do you make it work, if they can't help to feel that way and have always been that way. Would you still choose to be friends with your ex when it creates problems for you new relationship? I will always hold my own opinion on this matter and so would she, but I would like to know what would you do in my situation. I already had a good explanation, exactly like this article, prior to reading it. Well, I ended the conversation with sticking with how I feel, as I get angry when I feel something is being demanded of me. All-in-all she apologized for feeling this way, but just can't help it. She cares about me a lot and therefore, it bothers her even more. I want to know your insight....it seems there can't be no compromise in this type of relationship, either one of us has to budge and I know there will be issues in the future over this.


karen 7 years ago

I was with my boyfriend for 6 yrs. One day he was at my parents house with me, which they couldn't stand him because he has hit me before a couple of times. We did live together for 4 yrs, but I lost my job so I had to move back home with my parents and he had to move in with his brother. Well them I started going to school during the day. So, I really only seen him on the weekend. We didn't really have money to go out so I just stayed with him at his brothers house. After a year of living apart we were out one day he ran into a girl who he sais he knew for 25 years ago, so he secertly got her phone number . Well, when he at my parents house that day he called her and told her to pick him up at a gas station near my home. I over heard a girls voice saying shes there. He needed a ride he said Karen my friends is picking me up can you see if someone can give me a ride, wekk knoiwing what I heard I knew it had to be the girl he ran into when I was with him. So, I said I will give you a ride because I heard a girls voice on your phone. Sure enough it was the same girl I told him not to d this to us, but he left any way, he tried ti act like he didn't know her but I ask her you to pick hm up she said yes with a big smile on her face. then he got in her car. Two weeks later he called me to see how I was doing I said I am doing great he said I been thinking of you, your always on my mind, He proceeds to tell me they loved one another 25 years ago that they were trying to have a baby then but he had found out his ex was pregent so he married his exgirlfriend which lasted 6 months. He callled it fate that they happen to meet up after 25 yrs. He acted as if they started from were they left off 25 yrs ago. Then calls me again ask me out. I went then that evening when we went t his brothers he left me alone. So, I checked the home phone to see who he called last I redialed she answer I hung up she called back and said don't you ever call my phone, I told her I wanted to see who C called because he just me. She said no he didn't he waws at fuseball. I said yeah who do you think he was with I told her everything that happened so she called one of C friends and he told her yes C was with me. She told him he had to leave well he came back to his brothers and yelled at me. But the next morning held me in his armskissing me. Then when we get up all he says is I really hope I can get T back. I was kicked in the stomach again by those words. Did I learn know, he called me again the next day K I do love you but, I love you both the same can I go camping with you this weekend. I told him no you need to decide who you want because I can't do this anymore. I don't know how you can be in love with someone you knew 25 yrs ago time goes on people move on she must be despert. So, when I got back from camping I called him to see what he decided. He was trying to talk private she must have walked into the room so he says I call you later real softly. She ends up calling me telling me listen we have been in love for 25 yrs get it through you head. I said well if he is so in love how come he keeps calling me. He wanted to go camping with me this weekend . I has to tell him no. She just kept on about things till my sister took the phone from me and told her to put C on the phone then my sister told him not to bother me anymore. So, he changed his number but calls me private and just holds onto the phone, not saying a word it has been 5 weeks since he left me. What do I do. Yes I still love him I think he is looking for a place to live and for someone to take care of him. She lives on disability, he doesn't have a car but she does. we are both in are 40's. Please help


Conflicted 7 years ago

I got on-line looking for commentary on the etiquite for friendships with ex's...my girlfriend has maintained a friendship with her ex...and found a lot of good information. Very helpful. My situation is a little unique (as everyone's is) so, let me tell you about it.

I met her on a chat line one Thanksgiving morning. We actually told each other we were married in order to prevent anything beyond surface-level interest. I remember her saying her 'husband' was enroute with family and she was just bored, waiting for them to arrive. I had some yams to bake for my family get-together (no wife) and our conversation was relatively short. We spoke again, on the same line, the next day (I suggested this in order to keep it casual) and we disclosed to the other that neither of us was married. I was thankful. Regardless of the holiday, I was genuinely interested in learning more about her. I did. In addition to all the wonderful things I also learned that the 'husband' who was enroute with family was really her ex planning to stay with her for a couple weeks. A little while later still I learned that she had been growing more and more distant from him emotionally, over at least the past year, and her intent was to either bring their relationship together or to end it ultimately (he had been tapping the brakes on commitment for some time). Oh, and there was the sex. Apparently pretty good...they had some during his stay (I know, big surprise). She told me they decided, mutually, to end their intimate relationship (he had other priorities). It was, as I understood it, not terribly difficult for her (she had already become distanced). It was, however, difficult for him. I think he was staring regret square in the eye. His other priorities were compelling enough to prevent him from doing the one thing that would have taken the hurt away...stay. She has told me he's a great guy and that they will remain friends (no waivering there).

Fast forward nearly 5 months. My girlfriend and her ex live a few states away and continue phone conversations at the rate of weekly to nearly daily. She never tells me, unprompted, that they've spoken. She will, however, disclose if I ask. She's told me he has exhibited mood swings, that she suggested could be linked to their break-up, and said she planned on having a talk with him...telling him she would break off comunication completely if he couldn't come around. I suppose he's come to terms (although I'm not sure what they are) as he has most recently been talking her through some challenges she's had with her computer. Today, in fact, they talked and he helped her download something. She said he was "very helpful." She said he even got to hear her frustration (apparently the download was taking too long and she had trouble waiting)...said she apologized to him later. As a side note she said she had been in the market for tickets to a play (planning to go with one of her girlfriends), her computer was out of commission due to the download, and (again) she didn't want to wait. She gave him her credit card information and he purchased the tickets for her on his computer. Very helpful.

I've read numerous thoughts on the subject of friendships with ex's. The viewpoints color the spectrum. I suppose, at the end of the day, I need to feel comfortable in my own skin. I appreciate being able to write out my thoughts...it helps processing. Maybe someone else has experienced a similar situation and can relate. My head keeps confounding itself. It tells me to simply listen to my gut. If I feel as though something's not quite right, I ought to at least listen. Maybe it's common sense, maybe it's recovery from previous failed relationships. I have a hard time waiting as well but know, in my gut, that time reveals all. Listen and wait.


TorP 7 years ago

You are truly an inspiring person here i really loved this article

Me and my boyfriend of one year are trying ot be friends but it seems like whenever i'm just getting over things he goes and thinks imm talking to him becuase i still like him and he says we need space... i totally understand this but i just am sad that he thinks i am obsessed when im really still just trying to be a friend to him... he even has his other people talking to me and making me think that im this freak.. when really.. i just miss our friendship because he was and will always be my best friend


Ashley 7 years ago

You are so right, I tried being just friends with my first ex...we were together for three years. And I couldn't grasp the thought of us just being friends. it was too weird.


LiB 7 years ago

I love this discussion, I need advice on this subject so much right now! I would appreciate any opinions! About 5 years ago I dated a guy and feel deeply in love with him. We dated for about 2 years but bickered so much (he was trying to find himself). So we broke up. I didn't talk to him for 3 years. A few weeks ago I was at a local park and he came running after me to talk. Wow, I was shocked. All the anger I had just disappeared at that moment. Now we hang out at least 4-5 days a week and talk daily. We've had to have those dreaded discussions about what we are and we both have declared that we still love each other. But I'm scared, I don't want to get hurt again. I can't decide what his intentions are. I want to be his friend but in my heart I want to be with him again. His last words to me before the break-up were if God intends for me to be with someone, it's you. We'll bring us back together. I have all this hope but am I being too positive? What do I do?


shell 7 years ago

hi, im finding this site quite interesting to hear everyones opinions. Me and my bf broke up on good terms in january of this year after almost a year of being together. As i am moving away to university in a few weeks we felt that breaking away from each other a little in advance would be easier in the long run. We still stayed close friends and kept in touch all the time. 5 months passed and he told me that he had met somebody else. I took it really hard and we talked about it in a mature way. We both agreed that we wanted to stay friends, but i decided that i needed space and time apart from him in order to move on properley, so i told him this over the phone and we agreed it was best. This was about 7 weeks ago and we haven't spoken or seen each other since. I'm finding things easier but i still find myself thinking about him and just wondering how he is. I'm just finding it difficult as to when i will know whether I'm ready to see him again or get in touch with him again? I'm worried that if i do, i will feel upset or realise that i haven't fully moved on and feel like i'm starting at the beginning. How do you know when you're ready to make contact again? I'm moving away in 6 weeks and I was wondering whether to leave it til then because moving to a new place might help me to truly move on. When will I know that I'm ready? help


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Shell,

You'll most likely be ready when you've moved on as well. When you've become satisfied with the life you're creating, and maybe even when you've met someone else, too.

Honestly Shell if he was a real love you'll always have a twinge when you hear from him. You won't ever be totally over him. But you will be in a completely different place before you know it where you can be truly happy for him, and you see yourself clearly without him.

Best to you.


Noemi 7 years ago

test


Noemi 7 years ago

My personal story!!!! I wrote this in my personal blog sometime back.

1/15/2009 ****In Forgiveness Comes True Healing****

Yesterday was one gut wrenching painful day, but today I feel better. I’m not sure if my emotions will be up and down, but I truly hope there will be more days like today. I had been hearing for some time now about my husband getting remarried next month to someone he’s only known 2 months. I suppose I should stop calling him my husband as he will belong to another here in a month or so. It’s been 2 years since our divorce. Our 13 year happy marriage ended due to my infidelity with another whom I believed I never stopped loving. Just to clarify, although not to justify, this individual was someone who I had a history with ever since the age of 15. We were high school sweethearts and were very much in love. We unexpectedly came back into each other’s lives 14 years later, but my fantasy was short lived and in the end I was left empty handed. My full confession one August afternoon resulted in a painful, yet amicable divorce 3 months later. However, I could not ask for the most wonderful ex-husband ever, and I mean that in every sense of the word. Although I shattered his dream, yesterday, after having a heart-to-heart, bittersweet conversation with him, it seems he has found his happiness once again, and that is all I want for him. And although my dream was shattered, I now realize I have another. The dream of spending one warm summer evening, sitting in the backyard, sharing a bottle of wine, a lovely BBQ dinner, laughing and enjoying the company of the two men I love the most, my former husband (I call him my Semi-Sweetheart) and my New Love, who is he? I don't know yet. But even though I no longer believe in fairytales, I do believe in the magic of Love and the power of Forgiveness.


lea 7 years ago

For me it is very painful to be around ex. When I decide to break up the relationship, deep in my mind I don't want to make friends with the guy. I want clean and clear separation. Being friends after a break up is not in my mental abilities. I think a lot white and black. I agree there are obvious inconvenients, but I have analysed myself through years, through the ups and the downs in my private life and I come to the conclusion that I need to do the right thing to make me feel good. Separation is a vey painful. I need to heal the wound. It takes time, it takes courage and resolution to stick on your position. Facing loneliness after a break up is at times so terrible that I need so much to make a contact with him.

I value present and future. Past is done. I can't change it. I am heading to next, without any qualms.


Tracey 7 years ago

I've recently broken up with a guy who has been my best friend for years. It is very awkward without him around at all now. We broke up amicably and I fear I will rush back into friendship.

The first time he asked me out I rejected due to the threat on our friendship but carried on as normal and years later he was still holding a torch for me. I know I'd never forgive myself if I was too hasty trying to get our friendship back that he never moved on properly...

Definitely something that's playing on my mind a lot lately. How long should I wait and is it possible at all?? (I really hope it is, as does he) Gah, first loves are hard =( x


heartbrokyn 7 years ago

well me and my boyfriend were together for a year and we just broke up and it wasn't because of me he just wasn't ready for a relationship and he showed it and it hurt me because im much more mature when it comes to relationships and maybe i just expected to much but he was my best friend but now it seems like i cant be friends with him because im so use to ma and him being together i really love him and it hurts me that he doesn't feel the same way and so now i just wanna get as far away from him as possible but i don't wanna loose him because hes the one person i can express myself with but its just hard to even be around him now because we arent together so im just really confused


Matt 7 years ago

It's always good to know you're not the only one thinking this...

I had a BF for a little while and there was this one period of timewhere I got paranoid that I might've lost his interest or whatnot, and did something stupid because of it. Then after I told him that and apologized, he said something that irked me a lot, and then I was the one who said we should break up out of emotion rather than any real good reason. In reality, I broke up with him for feeling really guilty about cheating on him, when I was told he was doing the same thing. (The evidence seemed overwhelmingly against him, but I had a faint glimmer of hope he didn't. He really didn't as I later found out. That all went to crap after following friends' advice and opinion.) Two blows to his heart made by me. God, I must've seemed like he most cruelest person to him after that.

It's been over a month now, and I really want to just move on now. I miss him and all and he was a real cool guy, but he moved on already. I know it just won't be possible to be lovers ever again. If we can ever be friends, I would like to go that route someday in our lives, but I'm just having trouble getting over him intimacy-wise. I really haven't dated anyone like him before, so he was something exceptional you could say. But I want to move on as that's the only logical thing to do now. I want to be able to meet other people, yet I still try to compare them to him.

Should I just ditch the idea of ever being friends with him again? I honestly don't know, as this is the first time I've had these feelings for an ex. All other ex- BFs and ex-lovers of mine are either friends or vanished and I could care less about them.

It's friggen' hard. If life had an easy button for these things..

Anyways, I was looking this topic up and felt comfort in knowing of course I'm not alone about all this. It Honestly feel a little better and less alone. But yeah, that's my story.


wsp2469 profile image

wsp2469 7 years ago from Alta Loma, Ca

Do you truly WANT to be? Do you truly NEED to be? Sure, you can be civil but your kids are blood not your exs. Don't worry about being friends just be civil.


Azalea Lii profile image

Azalea Lii 7 years ago from Southgate CA to Virginia Beach VA

Good hub... I am actually facing this dilemma... actually after a few conversations that he and I had, I believe that it is best that we both go our separate ways.


Sexy jonty profile image

Sexy jonty 7 years ago from India

Very well written hub .....

very much informative ......

Thank you very much for your great hub, for good advice, good wishes and support. Thanks for sharing your experience with all of us.


Lina 7 years ago

Thanks for the article, Veronica!

I don't know where I stand with this at all. I have been dating on/off a self-admitted commitment phobe for the past 2 years, and it has not been easy at all. He treated me like garbage, lied to me, and purposely ruined things for us when we got too close, or whatever. He keeps saying the only kind of relationship he can give me is a casual one, and we have done well with that, but eventually we somehow go back into dating everytime, and then he freaks out.

This last time we were together, we were fwb, things were going really well, I thought because we communicated more and were better friends, and then he freaked out again. He then said he only wanted us to be friends, and that we would not sleep together anymore. He was extremely adamant on that saying that I get too attached to him when we have sex, etc. I told him I wasn't sure he deserved my friendship after how he treated me, but then he tried to give me a guilt trip by saying, "ok, i understand. I'll delete your number and everything. sorry you don't even want to be friends."

Why else would he want to remain friends with me? He was adamant on no sex, so I doubt its for that. I don't get it. Does he want to torture me?


Sam 7 years ago

This author has the same first name as my ex. So weird...


Amy 84 7 years ago

This helpful page has helped me see how I feel and what I can do next.

Sadly, my ex is friends with the same circle of friends I hang out with and is also friends with my new boyfriend. At some point in time I have to bite the bullet and to at least learn how to co-exist with this foolish, stupid, annoying, A-hole for the sake of our friends and my new love. I've never been friends with an ex before. I just let them go and forget that they're there and move on as time with friends helped healed me. Now I'm in a whole new element in my life. Every time I see him, I want to throw insults in his face and if he tries to insult me back, I just wanna attack him like a wild animal and create a bloodshed war and not stopping until he understand how hurt I am or until he dies. I can't kill him. One, I'll be in jail and two, my friends and new boyfriend would not like it and throw mw out of their lives.

It's been 8 months and I still feel this way to my ex. I hope this esay will bring some light in dealing with him being there whether I like it or not, hanging out with our circle of friends and hanging out with my new love/his friend. But even my new love encouages me to be friends with him, I really, truly don't feel any ounce of friendship toward him at all. I want to get along and be civil for the sake of my friends and boyfriend but I don't know how get rid of the hurt, the pain, and the anger I have for my ex. Someday soon, somethings gotta give and I have to co-exist with this looser and I'm afraid that I'll never be ready or will never heal when that time comes. For now I'm just living life, having separate times hanging out with my friends and boyfriend away from him.


confused 7 years ago

thank-you for this article, it made me look at my own personal situation in a different light, yet I am still confused :(

So, I was best friends with my bf for about five years before we dated, and he liked me the entire time we were friends but I was not into him at the time. Then I started to notce that I had developed feelings for him and we dated for almost two years before he decided to go traveling around the world, so we broke up. While he was gone I found out from others that he cheated on me atleast twice.Once he returned from his year-long travels he sincerley aplogized for what he had done realizing that he made many mistakes and wanted to get back together. I was obvisouly very upset and said no, but I made the decision that I would like to be friends with him still eventhough he was terrible to me in the past. Since then we have had coutnless discussions usually initiated through some argument on how he still loves me, compares me to everyother girl he dates, and would like to date again. I have always thought he would be someone I would likely marry, simply because I also compare him to everyone else in terms of his persoanlity, and how much fun we have and how well we get along when were are together. Just recently he told me that he doesn't think we can be 'just friends' like we used to be. He suggested that we take time apart to see if "his life was better with or without me", in part because he still has feelings for me and also because he believes I don't treat him like a real friend, especailly when we are around others. I acknowledge that I did act hostile toward him when we were around our friends but when we would hangout together everything was fine, so I sincerely apoligized about my behaviour and didn't speak for a month. He called me last nigh (after drinking) telling me he misses me but thinks we can't be friends at all, saying that it just won't work, and we need to stop all contact. I was very upset, I question whether he can justify saying 'etiher be more than friends or no friends'. I feel like it is unfair but at the same time I can kinda see where he is coming from. I then questioned whether I should date him again, because in this past month all I do is think about him, missing just talking to him and spending time together. However, I feel like beginning to date again under these context's in unhealthy. It scares me to think that I will lose him as a friend forever, and as a possible parter because I do think I would like to date him again once we both finish school, and have different experiences. So are we in the "not done dating" or "not done breaking up" category? I don't know what to do!


contemplative jane 7 years ago

My ex and I broke up 3 weeks ago.he told me that i was an amazing person but i just didn't make him laugh enough and that was huge with him.We were together for 6 months and before that we were really good friends. The problem is we work together so its been difficult to keep my distance so i can get over the hurt that he made me feel when he ended things.When we broke up he said he wanted to become friends again because he didn't want to lose that. I talked to him today and told him that I wanted to do it the right way, I want to be there for him as a friend but i cant do that until i get over the hurt he caused me. Some days i think im doing fine and i think im ready to be his friend, but then other times i still find myself looking at his facebook and wondering what hes doing.I know im not yet ready to be his friend but i cant tell if ive made any progress.the hurt is slowly going away but i still do those little things like check his facebook and think about what hes doing so i cant tell if ive made any progress or not.

what do you guys think?opinions please


peter616 profile image

peter616 7 years ago

it depend on situations


Pattha 7 years ago

Oh...Thanks for your article, i still be many steps behind.

I want to get over him but he asking can we become friend.

I told him I cannot be friend with him

Should I try to be his friend;(


Anamika S profile image

Anamika S 7 years ago from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India

Yes, You can be friendly with your Ex. In fact I am in touch with my ex tough we do not see each other often. After spending so much time with someone i feel it is natural to care about that person, isn't it?


loa 7 years ago

I think the deeper you love, and the more you are hurt, as a lot to do with it...

sometimes the one who hurt you doesn't deserve to have you as a friend.

and yet, usually most things are forgivable, and if there is real love, it endures.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Thank you, loa. That was lovely.


Lea1981 7 years ago

maybe I am just delusional but I think it's so strange the way we look at relationships. I broke up with my ex 3 months ago. We were together for 5 years and had been acquaintances before that for another 5. We were best friends but we have different goals and values. The break up was mutual but has been much harder on me because I am a very sensitive person. Regardless of the fact that we can't see a way to make a life together, I don't know what that has to do with our friendship. It will take time, probably a year or so, but I think it's strange that people don't remain friends with their ex's. It's the most unnatural thing in the world to just ditch someone you have spent so much good time with. I mean if they betrayed you or abused you then obviously you don't want that in your life. Dunno, anyone else think it's weird the way we normalize the intense loss of a breakup?


Flextra 7 years ago

I haven't been in a relationship for about two years. But only met someone on holiday this year and we are still in contact for the last few months after the holiday. we still see each other now and again but on the last reunion I started to have feelings for her and wanted to let her know how I felt inside. On finding out she was not interested in a relationship and only to be good friends as its always been since the holiday, and since she has only just split with her previous BF of 6 six years. I said that being friends is still good for me and hoping it would not be awkward when we speak or meet again. The hard part is the fact I know she only wants to be friends but trying to get over the fact I still have feelings for her and that one day that she will have feelings for me. I didn't want to lose her over what I had said on how I felt, and thought just being friends still gave me hope that I can still see her and carry on as before as if nothing I just said happened. I am sure the feelings I have for her will eventually grow out of me, should nothing come of it. I read this saying from someone's status on facebook one day and I thought she it the nail on the head on what I was going through. It reads:- "Sometimes you just can’t open up to someone.Not because you don’t trust them. But because once you tell someone how you feel inside, you’re giving them permission to hurt you".


TK 7 years ago

I dated a girl for over 2 years. We actually lived together for a few months before we broke and we were engaged during that point. Things were going great until she started cheating on me again. She cheated on me in the past more than once and I took her back because I love her. I never cheated on her. I respected and love her more than myself. But I realized that she wasn’t going to change so I broke up with her. She moved with the guy that she’s been cheating me with. The breakup up was pretty harsh for both of us. She told me that she never want to see me anymore and that we should break any ties that we have. I was depressed for a whole month and I’m just now getting over her. Recently, I received a text from her that she misses me and the she wants to be my friend. We met the next day and talked for awhile. The whole time we were talking, she was really touchy and we ended up kissing. That night, we were at the same party and we ended up being alone a few times. We started making out and she tried a couple times to have sex with me but I know it wouldn’t be a good idea if I did. That night, we both realized that we still love each other and that our feelings are still really strong towards each other. We both want each other back but there are things in our lives right now which make it impossible. So I really don’t know if I should keep seeing her as a ‘friend’, even though we both know that it is more than that. I also sense that she only wants to be friends because of physical attraction and intimacy. I keep thinking that the right thing to do is not to see her and just move on with my life, but there’s a part of me that also wants to see her


deneevana profile image

deneevana 7 years ago

This has me written all over it... LOVE IT!


7 years ago

Twelve years ago i met a guy on the internet chat rooms while we were both studying in different universities, different countries. We met up half way and began dating even though there was distance between us. He bought me air tickets to fly to meet him once a month. After nine months we broke up on the internet because he was meeting other girls on the internet too.

I was really pissed off and he broke up with me on the internet chat rooms. Soon after i found out i was pregnant with his baby. I told him about it and he told me to abort it, i was so in love with this guy that i held on to the pregnancy thinking that perhaps he will stay with me.

I guess he wanted to make an excuse to break up with me to date other girls he wanted to me or have met that i didn't know about. Out of desperation i flown out to see him even knowing that he probably didn't give a damn about me anymore at that time. After i got back from seeing him he got cold toward me again and continued to talk to the girl that was causing us to break up eventually.

Out of stupidity i phoned up his parants and told them that he got me pregnant and his mom said that i'm old enough to make my own choices and that i should leave her son alone.

I think i did that to get him in trouble since there was no chance of us getting back together.

I carried the baby for 15 weeks and my friends convinced me to abort it to cut all ties with him. I did got rid of it and i felt really bad that i tried to hurt him like he had hurt me. Even though after all these years i still have feelings for him and always wonder if he ever give a shit about me.

Recently i came across his social network profile and i wanted so much to be friends with him again and i thought don't bother. I'm now have my own family but yet still have not put him out of my mind all these time...what should i do?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

J

There is a strange and wonderful thing about reconnecting with former friends and lovers on FB and other social sites. If you send him a friend request, add a note that says you have a family and a happy life, and you hope he's happy now too, best wishes.

He may not accept. And that's his right. And he may accept so he can get some things off his chest. It's hard to predict. Time is a powerful thing. But even after all those years have passed, sometimes people still need to say they're sorry. Sometimes people need to hear it. Sometimes there's just a feeling of forgiveness - what's past is past and it's nice to nod to the person across the room in an acknowledging way, to say, "I used to know you. And I wish you the best."

HOWEVER, this isn't a good idea for you to do if you aren't over him. Saying you have a family but still have feelings for him is not good. It's unhealthy, and sounds stalker-ish. It sucks that he broke up with you online but given the distance I'm not sure what choice he had. The other girl he was seeing is not the reason he broke up with you. He broke up with you because he didn't want to be with you. Period. You knew that, but went to see him anyway, and tried to use the pregnancy to trap him even though you knew he didn't want to be with you. You lashed out at him by telling his parents.

If you are matured and healthy enough now to offer a sincere social-network re-acquaintance, then go ahead and friend him.

But, if you really do still have unhealthy feelings for him, do your family, yourself, and him a favor and leave him be.


7 years ago

Great advice, I needed someone to tell me this from their point of view with the pros and the cons.

Thank you!


IHS 6 years ago

Ok...I get it. But I am married, I found my ex on FB and we are chatting it up. Ok, I'm chatting it up. Yes, I broke it off 17yrs ago b/c my parents forced me to at that time. But he was a good guy. And I did love him. My husband has some mixed feelings; ok actually he hates the idea. And says that if roles were reversed, I'd go nuts on him. True. But I'm drawn to "Bob" and I don't know why. I want to keep the contact and maybe even get together for coffee or something. Is it so wrong? I'd even like to try to hook him up with someone. Yes, I still care for him (he was my first and I his) but I love my husband. Plus, "Bob" thinks there's nothing wrong with us being friends either. But I do feel guilty b/c of the double standard w/ my hubby. Bob is a smart guy, why would he think it's ok to be friends? And no, he's not dating anyone. He was once married but then wanted a divorce. But that doesn't mean anything for me b/c he knows I'm happily married for 10yrs with 2 kids. He's a good guy, not a scum bag that would take advantage. Any advice? ...if I were reading this, I'd totally think I was crazy...I know! Bob is coming to see me at work tomorrow. I haven't seen him in 17 yrs and I think we are both just curious. Please advise....am I nuts? Asking for trouble? What? ...I don't want to break off the friendship! :(


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

IHS

The only advice I'd add is this - if whatever it is you're doing, you would do differently if your husband was standing next to you, then it's cheating. You don't erase your entire life and history and emotions when you meet the right person and get married. To deny that there is something there with your ex would be ludicrous. But your current husband should be the person you're talking to about this. If you can't go to him as a friend, and you are still setting up a meeting with the ex, then yes you are asking from trouble and not being fair to anyone involved, especially the two people that should be your priority - your kids.


Davey G 6 years ago

I have recently split with my gf after 3 years, i think our relationship had just fizzled out and it just was not working for me. One of us loved the other but not visa versa, there was definitely no one else involved. I feel much sadness for the both of us, we just are not made for each other, she certainly is a very special person, kind, considerate and a totally geuine truly honest person.

If i could make it work i certainly would, but i know that given time if we had stayed together any longer sooner or later we would have split up anyway. There is absolutely no bad feelings for each other it just like i said did not work and i wanted to call it time before any real damage was done.

My question now is because she really is a lovely person, and no matter what i am still going to miss her very much can we still be friends ie a drink and chat now and again funny emails etc with no intension of bedding her, that's not going to happen. What i mean is purely a plutonic relationship,could it work.

Any experience of a similar situation or advise would be much appreciated thanks.


westpointfb20 profile image

westpointfb20 6 years ago from California

great hub


na-M 6 years ago

thanks foR this greaT bLog...

haHAha... fuNny to saY bUt i toTallY seE mySelF aS onE oF the exaMples.... =( haHAha...

anD thiS helPed me a lOT to reaLize soMe facTs thAt i shouLd haVe reaLized mOnths aGo... i hOpe i caN truLy seT myseLf awaY to thiS feeLings i haVe foR my eX.... i wanT hiM baCk reaLLy, that's whY i triEd to bEfriend hiM, buT i wanT hiM to be haPPy aNd i thiNK iM noT iNcluDed iN hiS jouRney anYmore....


Jaz 6 years ago

My ex and I have dated for about 6 years. When we broke up, we didn't speak to each other for about a year. After that time has passed, we bumped into each other at a local bar, and of course started talking. Nothing awkward behind it really, and since then we've been speaking and hanging out regularly. It's been about a year and a half now that we've been friends, and I'm currently pregnant with another ex's baby (he left when I reached 4 months), and my friend is still sticking around. Actually we've become close enough that he's my delivery coach. We've admitted that, from the outside, this is strange, but we find it a hilarious story to tell everyone when they ask if he's the father. Do we have any desires to get back together? We tried that recently for about a week, just to see, and it's obvious we don't. He's my best friend, and I wouldn't have it any other way. So yes it's possible, but yes you do need that time apart to move on and get over everything. There were reasons why you were attracted to each other, but dating just didn't work out. So try for less (later, not right away).


shawn 6 years ago

Hello,

You can be friends with your ex, depending on how it ended. I don't think anyone can just come here and say "you can't ever be friends with an ex". I have 3 ex's over the last 4-5 yrs, so they have been substantially long relationships, and I can talk to and hang out and discuss life with any of them. One has a boyfriend currently, I go to dinner with one of them often, and the other one moved to New York and we still talk on occasion. I think if you're civil and mature about the breakup, and even if not, that you leave some sort of "healing" and "moving on" time between the breakup and being friends, it's completely possible. I don't see them as "ex's", but rather as people I spent X amount of my life with, remember and cherish the positive things, value them as humans, and be happy for them. I feel if you don't allow that time between the breakup though, it is definitely harder. Taking a label off something doesn't change the content (feelings) that were there.


Kels Murray 6 years ago

Wonderful blog! Thanks so much!


david 6 years ago

TK and I share a very similar story. It has been 4 months since my wife decided to cheat on me in Vegas. I tried to forgive and did the whole crying begging her to stay blah blah blah. We are both 22 years old and have been married for 3 years "anniversary was on the 27th of dec the day of my bday". Well anyways I'm waiting for her to file the papers because as Usher says "im ready to sign them papers". I had a horrible time the first month and don't want to think back to the depression I had. The best thing is really NO CONTACT. It's sad to say but I still love her. She has texted me and tried to contact me, the most recent one was yesterday stating that since this is a new year we "should be friends". After reading all of these posts I have a clearer perspective of what I should do, and that is to break away and run. I will just continue keeping busy and focusing on my goals. Good luck to everyone!

add me on myspace


ceb 6 years ago

hi,

me and my ex have had a really confusing and emotional break up. we originally met in sixth form, and were friends before we realised that we fancied each other and then had the most amazing relationship for 3 years. iv had long relationships before, but i was his first love, but i knew from experience that he really really is the one for me, i have never ever felt like i do about him about anyone else, and don't think i could.

anyway, we managed to get through most of university together, but in his final year and towards the end of our relationshiip we did argue quite a lot and i did get a bit needy which i hate myself for. but in the end he decided that he didn't want a girlfriend in his last year of uni, and so decided to break up with me. it was very difficult at first because i found it a very confusing reason to dump me, because he still liked me a lot but just didn't want to be with me. we ended up trying to be friends because we both mean a lot to each other, but ended up kind of back in a casual fling for the rest of uni, but he still didn't want a relationship, but has told me a million times that he still finds me beautiful and sexy and stil loves me.

now its very difficult because we both desperately want to stay friends as we are so similar and get on so well, but we both live in the same place and have similar groups of friends, and i got on with his family really well. we have moved on in the sense that we have both got with other people. we talk nearly every day, but whenever we see each other after a while it is obvious that were both holding back and you can feel the attraction is still there and it hurts me a lot because i don't understand why he doesn't want me, and being friends seems to get very stressful at times, but if i didn't have him as a friend my life would go completely upside down. i have read some of the other posts on here, and its not guilt or any of the other reasons why we want to be friends, we both genuinely like each other for who we are.hes more of a friend to me than some of my friends iv known for twice as long as him. but im scared now that its got to the point where we cant keep trying because its so difficult still fancying each other.and i don't know what to do anymore:( sorry if that was a bit muddled but its cutting a very long story very short! any advice will be extremely apreciated.

thanks


depressed girl 6 years ago

Hi,

I was in a relationship for 5 yrs and we broke up 6 months ago. He broke up with me cuz of some personal reasons and couldn't keep up the relationship as it was his parents happiness that was in question. I was really angry ans we both told things to each other decided we will never speak as i didn't wantd to be in touch with him at all. Bt i always used to check out his orkut accounts and try to find out if he's goin out wit a new girl and to find out the actual reason he broke up with me. He shifted to a different city 6 months before we broke up and there was a girl in his office who was in love with him. He was always honest with me and told me about her. He told her that he was in love with me and they continued to be friends. This was making me feel really jealous and i somehow controlled it. Bt now that girl knws that we broke up and she is waiting for him to fall in love with her. I spoke to him yesterday and he told me this. He used to call me Choclate and used to post comments like "i love choclate" in his orkut profiles even after we broke up. But wen i spoke to him yesterday he said it wasn't me and it was that girl in office and said "dnt go by orkut.. We are jus friends, cant i be friends with someone who wants to be friends with me" I was shattered.. Heart broken all over again.. Wept for past two nights to realise that his choclate was not me. i was comin to terms with the fact that our relationship wil nt end in marriage. and he was so much in love with me that he never used to look at any other girl which lead me to believ that even after the break up i was smehow stil in his life cuz he always told he can never fall in love with anybody. And now wen i realised that the choclate he was refering to was not me, im feelin so embarassed and ashamed. I feel this girl is takin opportunity that im no more in his life and thinks she can get him.. I knw its none of my business cuz we are not a couple now, bt this girl was in his life wen i existed as his girlfriend and this is making me go wild thinking how opportunistic she is.. I m sure i wouldn't feel this way had it been any other new girl in his life cuz he told me that two other girls proposed him (which he rejectd) and i didn't feel jealous about it.. It is this girl old girl in his office who is plannin on gettin married to him. The reason our relationship didn't work was cuz he said he cannot marry me cuz he wantd his parents happiness. I was totally fine wit it cuz i knw hw much he loves his parents and wil not do anything against their wish. anyways, the point is i want to keep him in my life as a friend cuz he is a very precious human and i dnt want to lose him..but i dnt knw how close he is to this girl and i feel im like a third person comin between them ruining their special bond. This girl helped him get over me and he has grown close to her in 6 months. Bt now im confused if i shud b his friend cuz he is over me and by being his friend i might bring him back to the point wher he was 6 months ago.. And all the "moving on" he has done in 6 months would go a waste. I cant understand wat i m goin thru.. I want to b his friend, but i cant bear this girl in his office also being his friend.

Pls help me!! I want to have some peace of mind before i go crazy to a point of committing suicide...


Broken Heart 6 years ago

Hello, I just saw this hub and wanted to make a comment. I dated my ex for almost 4 years, 3 of the years we lived together. In Jan. of 2009 he broke up with me, and I was so upset I couldn't think straight half the time. Our lease wasn't going to end till Aug. 09 and no one would sublease for me and he didn't have the money to move out...so we just lived together for so many painful months. I wanted him back so bad, but he ignored me and would sometimes get mad at me if I started to cry about us breaking up. Its now Jan. 2010 and I am still in love with my ex. I see him almost every day and starting in Dec 09 he started to call me and ask me to hang out with him. Soon he started to call 3 times a week and we started spending more time with each other. But recently about a week ago he suddenly changed, hes rude to me and ignores me at times. Im friends with his brother's gf and all 3 of them live together, so when I go to visit her he is almost always there. He never says hi to me when I come into the house, he just talks to his brother. It hurts so much that the only reason I want to go over to the house is to see how he will react, instead of telling my friend to meet me somewhere. We were never really friends before we started dating, we worked together for the entire time we were dating and so we both have the same circle of friends from work. The only reason I want to remain his friend is to still be able to see him because I secretly hope that maybe he still loves me, it seemed like that anyway just a few weeks ago, but now all of a sudden I don't know what is going on. I noticed the change in his behavior about a week ago when he told me through a text that he was going to study with a girl. So just yesterday when my friend and I came back from the gym, I walked into his room to return a pillow, he was chatting to the girl he studies with, when he saw me he closed down the chat window and was being very short with me. I tried to strike up a conversation, but he seemed like he really wanted to get back to talking with the study girl. So I just walked out of the room and drove home crying.

Should I remain friends with him, or should I avoid him at all cost? He remains friends with all his exes and I tend to not really talk with mine. I dont know if he really feels like we are just friends and nothing more, or if he still has feelings for me. I keep telling myself, that if he really wanted to be my friend he wouldnt be such a jerk to me when I didnt do anything wrong.

Im so confused and alone. I spent all my time with my ex that I dont think there is anything that can fill that void but him.

Does anyone know after being broken up for a year, if there would ever be a chance of getting back together or remaing friends? ....Or should I just completly move on and not be his friend to save myself from future heartbreak?


Samantha 6 years ago

This is a good thing to think about. I was searching on the web and came across this. I was searching about wanting to be friends with your ex because my boyfriend, I been with for 8 months now. Still talks to his ex and says she is his "friend", she mistreated him and used him. But he still wants to be friends with her? This really helped me understand why he is still talking to her. Thank you for posting this.


happyhubby 6 years ago

I have a somewhat different situation that has put some strains on my very happy marriage -- I had a FB friendship with someone I dated for a long time, but nothing ever happened between us -- I considered it a good friendship that got weird in the end because we were both single and looking to get married, and we got too emotional about it -- but we went to each other's weddings, she reached out a couple times over the years -- and I decided what the hell. She was a special friend and we can laugh off all the tensions that drove us apart when we were single. But we did end up arousing the ire of the spouses, both of us. A little cooling off is in order, and maybe I expected too much closeness after all these years. I expected her to be my *best* friend, and maybe that's impossible. Maybe it's more realistic to think that maybe we can hang out a little as two couples, and maybe part of that is that we're just not going to have those intimate one on one chats we used to have about the meaning of life. It'll be conversations among four people and nobody'll be left out. At least I hope it works out that way.


Joe Bassett 6 years ago

The is no reason to be feiends with an ex if you broke up on bad terms. If they beat you, cheated on you, lied to you or just plain used you there is no reason to be friends. If you do you probably have low self-esteem. If someone has treated you like shit why even have anything to do with them with millions of other people to choose from? There are millions of other possible mates. When somethign starts out bad it ends up bad. I have never seen a guy have his life made better with a whore, slut, drunk mean nasty filthy piece of shit. I've known many to have died to were dirt poor when it was all over with.

Guys that marry decent women who have good jobs who have decent families will never have the trouble I had marrying a coke whore with two kids. Coke whores are almost 100% likely to have dirt ball family members, so they offer no way out. How many have asked me why did you marry a coke whore who had a drinking problem who would lay down with anyone? Good question. I actually tried to get rid of her many times. I knew I didn't want her. I had to break up fights between her mother, sister, and her ex-boyfriends girlfriends. Then she was cuaght with other men. The mistake was not getting rid of this problem. Now this problem is amarried to an alcoholic and will be cleaning toilets till she's eighty.


Jon 6 years ago

My ex and I broke up about 9 months ago. We met online and we fell for eachother quickly. We were together for about 5-6 months. I was more than your average boyfriend. I cooked her dinner, bought her dinner, assisted her financially if she needed, bought her roses all of the time, cards, and did all of the little things that mattered. We had great times together. She had a bad past when it comes to guys. Because of that she was very insecure. I swore to her that I would never leave or cheat on her. Because of the promise I had made, I never associated with any women that I didn't know. We had out feuds from time to time like every relationship, but nothing bad at all. I would sometimes take the blame for our feuds even if I was wrong. I planned on presenting her with a promise ring on our six month anniversary. I was going to promise to be true, commited, honest, and loving until we were psychologically and financially ready to get engaged in the future. About 5 months into our relationship she met a new guy at her work. I didn't really care about it until he offered to pay $500 worth of car maintanence for her. That was only about a week or two after they met. I knew then what his intentions were. I told her it HAD to stop. Immediately, I was given the jealous and insecure label. She had many guy friends that I was comfortable with, but the new guy I wasn't at all because of what he offered. They started frequently hanging out and she started to be sneaky about things. The feuds really started to grow. When I finally met the guy he didn't even look at me when I shook his hand. I knew that he had a guilty conscience. One night we made plans to go out for breakfast after she left work in the morning. I stayed over her place for the night because of that. I woke up at 11 a.m. and she was no where to be found. She always left work before 9. I figured she was caught up in socializing with friends from work. I called her to see if she was on her way and asked if she still wanted to go out for breakfast. She slightly chuckled and said, "Well..I'm eating breakfast right now." She told me she was with the new guy. I told her that we needed to have a serious talk and hung up. She came home immediately with an offensive attitude. She gave me "I forgot" excuse, and I knew she was lying. I almost ended it there. Then again, I was "jealous and insecure" label. I apologized and said to forget about the whole situation. Things were fine for a few days. I called her one night and asked her if she was hungry. I offered to cook her dinner. She told me, "You really don't have to babe." I found that..funny because she never turned me down. I just ignored it thinking I was just being insecure and told her I would come by with groceries and we would have dinner. I walk into her apartment and found the guy laying on her couch. I didn't think anything of it. I asked her who it was and she told me. I was upset at the fact that she didn't tell me he was over. I wanted to cook her dinner, so how was I supposed to with someone sleeping on her couch in front of me? Then it started to hit me and we got into a heated argument. I left for a while. I came back and the guy was gone. We argued for a while. I told her I didn't like the fact that she was lying about him. She started to accuse me of getting revenge on her and cheating on her. That really upset me because I knew I would never do such a thing. She told me that nothing was going on and that if he had feelings for her she would drop their relationship. I sincerely apologized to her and apologized to her friend. I was brainwashed into thinking I was jealous and insecure. Things went well for a couple weeks. No arguments, just love. One day I didn't recieve a call or text from her. I found it funny. I texted her that night and remembered the plans we had made for Sunday. I was going to go over to her place to watch movies. I told her I loved her and couldn't wait to see her. She responded and said, "ditto". Again, starting to get worried. I knew that she had to work on Friday night and I sent her a text stating I wanted to come see her on her lunch break. I told her to text me when she arrived to let me know what time her break was due to the fact that she worked 30 minutes away. 1 a.m. approached..no call..or text. So I drove out there. 5 minutes before I arrived she sent me a text stating she was on break. Why would she do that? I was getting upset. When I arrived I called her and she told me that she had to eat. The frustration set in. I waited outside for her..no calls..no text messages. I waited for an hour. I walked into her work and asked her what was going on and asked her why she didn't call me. She told me that it sent to voicemail and she didn't see me. That was a lie because my phone was on the entire time. I gave her a look of frustration and she asked me if something was wrong. I told her not to worry about it and told her I loved her and left. I sent her a text and told her it seemed like she was avoiding me. She didn't respond. Saturday came by.. no call..no text. I sent her a text saturday night and told her I loved her.. no reponse. I called her Sunday morning as soon as she left work and asked her what was going on in a VERY concerned voice. I was almost in tears. She told me she was under a lot of stress and not to worry. I asked her if she wanted me to come over that night to watch movies. She immediately said, "No I coming by your place tonight." She had a very nervous and guilty tone to her voice. I knew something was going on. I went to work and left early. I went to her apartment just to see if he was there. I walked in her room and saw him laying in her bed. I was devestated. She happend to be hanging out with her one of her friends at the time. I ran out the door in a rage full of tears. I flew down the highway driving about 100 mph. I didn't care anymore. She sent me a text and asked "Do you want to talk or do you hate me now?" I didn't respond. She called and I immediately tore her a new one. She told she would arrive at my place so we could talk about things. She told me she cheated because she was in love with him, but in love with me as well. I told her that you couldn't love two people. I discovered that also she knew he had feelings for her for a long time, and lied to me about it. I was a mess. She started telling everything wrong with our relationship, and it upset me even more. I knew didn't deserve that treatment. I was a mess for days. I still received text messages stating she was sorry and missed me and stil wanted me in her life. I told her I couldn't do it. For about a month we had several heated arguments over the phone. We didn't speak for the longest period. Month went by and I realized that I still did love her and I missed her. We spoke on facebook one night and she told me she wasn't happy in the relationship, which I found very hard to believe. She always told me that she loved me and I made her happy. She told me she wasn't with him anymore, because I think she felt guilty. She stated she wanted to be friends, and I rejected. It was very difficult getting over her. A few months ago I decided to delete her off of my facebook and my phone to break off all contact with her. A couple weeks ago she sent me a message on facebook and asked why I deleted her. I didn't respond. I snooped on her facebook and realized that she had a new boyfriend. A few days later she messaged me back and was upset because I was ignoring her. She told me she was really sorry for what she did, and that her new boyfriend was doing the same thing to her. She told me she still wanted me to be apart of her life. I responded back and told her I was bitter. I told her how I felt about her and how much I loved her and how much I still do. I told her I was unsure if I could be friends and that I needed time to think. I asked her what she really wanted. She responded back and told me that she understood and would give me time. She never answered my question. I responded back and told her I was confused as to what she wanted. She responded, "Well.. you said you needed time to think about things and


Jon 6 years ago

Continuted-and whenever you're ready let me know" She said she wasn't rushing anything and she wanted me to be happy again. She told me she still thought about me a lot and thought it would be nice to go out for lunch sometime. Again, not answering my question. I didn't respond, I don't know if I want to. The relationship ended with her new boyfriend. I'm assuming he was cheating on her. I still do love her, and if she can prove to me she's changed I will give her a shot. Does she realize what she had lost and wants me back? Advice would be appreciated


Been There 6 years ago

Jon,

Don't believe it. She has major character issues and you're being a doormat. She could have been honest with you; she chose to lie to you, to deceive you, to break your heart in one of the most devastating ways possible. Judge her by her actions, not her words. These were all choices on her part. No one made her do them. She decided to take the cowardly way and your heart is paying the price.

If she really loved you, how could she be so awful? How could she do what she did? It wasn't a "oops, we had too much to drink and things got out of hand" one-time thing. It was an on-going systematic betrayal. It's not about you or how much she says she loves you or how much you feel that you love her. She doesn't know what love is. She has a major character flaw---she's a betrayer, a liar, a deceiver.

I know the feelings are really intense right now (I've been where you are) and it's all crazy feeling. Give yourself the gift of time. It will be really hard at first, but take some time to yourself. Get off the crazy emotional rollercoaster she has you on. Cut off all contact for 3 months. No calls, no texts, no nothing. It will hurt like hell. The first week will probably be the hardest, but it will get better. With the time and distance, you'll see some of the emotional craziness dissipates and though you may still have very strong feelings for her, you won't feel like they're dominating your life. If after 3 months of no contact, you decide you still want to give her another shot, then consider it then. But give yourself enough time to find yourself again, to clear your head, to stop your heart from bleeding. I think you'll find that once the dust settles, you may feel very different about her and your relationship with her.


Hmph 6 years ago

to be honest, i do not want to be friends with ex's..after being "used" yep..but wtf, sometimes i have this feeling dat i still want her bak, eff it..i ain't going bak to dat doorstep...i've had enough of this drama, i hate it it's meaningless.


Nashen Naidoo 6 years ago

i think being friends with your ex is possible but hw can you establish if they feel the same?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Nashen Naidoo,

Some casual efforts are a good way to start if the connection had been stopped. Next time you are sending a forward with some funny jokes to email addys, include his. Or the next time you do a mass text message or photo on your phone include him. Make sure it's just a light fun forward, a pic of cool car you see, or something like that. It should not be anything suggestive. If he feels the same way, he'll respond. And then you can go from there. If you don't hear back from him, you could send him an email or a text just saying hey. You've already broken the ice.


Meh  6 years ago

So Im kinda in the same boat as Jon. I was with my partner for almost 3 years. We had a pretty solid relationship. We were the couple in the group that it seemed like had been together forever and were the best of friends.

I had had insecuritites. With my partner girls were always chasing him, it was like flys around honey. I grew accustomed to it because I trusted him completely. We were on the same page where he knew that it was the girls that I didnt trust and not him. Everything was good, very loving and like I said before, we were best friends as well as lovers. We liked to do stuff together and spent many hours laughing with each other.

However there was this girl who hung around our group of friends. She had been introduced to us by one of my partners best friends who at the time was dating her. He is a lovely guy and it was hard to see her hurt him. Their relationship ended when she dumped him for someone else after having been forgiven for cheating on him 3 times in their year together.

So she continued to hang around, once the guy she had ended her relationship for dumped her after a couple of months for being immature. I never did say anything to her and I was always as polite as possible even though she seemed to have an attitude with me, especially out of earshot of others.

I spoke with my partner about her and he always seemed to take the same line as I did. He found her to be selfish and not meaning to be rude but a bit easy you could say.

Anyway one day he dumped me, just like that. I was devestated. He cried which is very unusual. Though I immediatly asked if it had to do with her. He responded no. For 6 long weeks we were what I thought was getting back on track. Then I got a text out of the blue saying sorry to hear about the 2 of them being together.

I confronted him and he told me that yes they were together. It turns out he dumped me to be with her and 2 days after the break up he was double dating but telling all his friends not to let on to me.

I feel so humiliated still and that was 6 months ago. We still talk and are what you could say are friends but behind closed doors. His new partner has told all the people that I used to be friends with that I am stalking him and that Im crazy etc etc. She posts little snide comments aimed at me on her social networking sites and makes sure that all the people I used to call friends dont talk to me anymore.

The worst thing is she dumped him around 2 months after they started going out because he discovered that she was meeting her ex at a hotel who she had a very long history with. They got back together but she wrote him a letter, that I have seen with me own eyes, telling him to choose between me and her.

If she makes him happy then thats all that matters, but I dont want him to get hurt the way that I am or his friend was. Trying to talk to him about it is pointless as he just believes that Im biased and am being deliberatly hurtful. Its an awful situation to be in especially when he is my best friend but if we see each other in the street he walks past like I dont exist because if we are seen even standing at the same bus stop all hell breaks loose.

A few days ago his social networking site was hacked into and I was deleted from it. Then today his new partner put up her hate as being 'people who dont get lost, when asked nicely and harshly, we can only hope that they will get the hint and fuck off'. This just adds to the abusive and threatening texts and phone calls Ive had from annonymous numbers. Again trying to talk to him about this is like hitting a brick wall as he gets defensive beacause he believes that Im blaming him.

Ive asked him repeatedly if he wants me to go away out of his life and the answer is always no so I stick around. It really is just ridiculous. Im not trying to steal him away Im just being there for him.

Help me someone please. Its driving me insane.


6 years ago

Meh, I would consider removing yourself from the situation. If he really wants to be your friend, then he should work out anything impeding that. With her being so possessive, you almost have to accept them as a package in terms of having a friendship. It doesn't sound like thats working too well for you.

She sounds clinical to me. Quite amazing how much time she seems to spend worrying about you. But thats not your problem, its his. If I had to jump through hoops to be somebody's friend while they make little effort to accommodate my situation, then I wouldn't bother. You don't have to give him an ultimatum, but I would explain that I would like to be friends, but its not worth the trouble of all the related problems.

Ideally he can sort out this girl's paranoia and you can be friends. But possibly not. Either way, you would move on from a situation that is a detriment to you life.

Its selfish, but you have to take care of yourself first. Hope things work out.


Marina 6 years ago

All I can say is that I'm glad to be friends with my ex's. And, I guess I'm a step ahead of the rest because it's not an issue. If it were, I just move on. That's life, roll with the punches, ya know?


SSh 6 years ago

Meh, sorry to hear about your situation. The ideal thing to do would be to cut him out of your life. If he really wants you around, he will find a way to be in touch with you. "Ive asked him repeatedly if he wants me to go away out of his life and the answer is always no", if you are honest with yourself, you will know that no one, leave alone your ex, will every say "yes" to that question. So even if he wants to say, "yes", he will not say it. Just get out NOW, thats the only way to buy your peace.


Meh 6 years ago

Ssh, trust me if my ex wanted me out of his life he would just come out and say it. Thats the kind of person that he is. He is extremely forthright and does not beat around the bush. To be honest, most of the time he can be down right rude with it. So Im more than certain that if he wanted rid of me he would just come out and say it. Especially seeing as the problems keeping me around causes for him.

That is why I stick around, the times that we have been seen together and the trouble it has caused for him he still talks to me and see's me when its possible. He has had problems with other friends who he has known since childhood and has cut them out just like that. So for him to keep pursuing a friendship with me through the adversity makes me feel that yes he does truely want it.

This is the problem, I still love him completely but I wouldn't contimplate trying to come between him and his new partner. It is not the kind of person I am. As I have pointed out to him before, if I wanted some kind of revenge on his new partner all I would have to do is tell people that we are still friends, I have the numerous texts and movie stubs etc to prove it.

The problem that I have is even when publicly I am out of his life and no where to be seen, I still get this stupid harrassment. I pass through the town he lives in everyday to commute and its a nightmare, because of all these horrible rumours that have been started. I will admit I wasnt the best girlfriend, he neither was the most attentive boyfriend, but for us what we had for the most part, for the length of our rlationship worked and 3 years at our age was a long time. Its this never ending punishment that comes for the both of us afterwards that is the crux of the matter.

The only way that I can describe it is like being punished for having a relationship in the first place. The rumours etc have not really been attached to any significant event, they started as soon as the break up occured (not that I knew this at the time) and have continued wether my ex and I have been in contact or not.

I dont understand why his new girlfriend and his 'friends' cannot just grow up and let him lead his life his way. I also dont understand how he can put up with it, anytime I have seen him recently or had a proper conversation with him he seems stressed and unhappy. His friends now spend more time talking with his girlfriend than with him and he cannot go out with them without her. He confided that he is convinced that hes being watched. This has obviously been happening for a long time but gets worse when he has time on his own e.g. at university. His friends and girlfriend turn up at places to see if hes there, his partner texts his friends at uni to see if he is where he says he is, his phone has been checked.

Its a sorry situation. I was very close to his family although I do not get to see them as much anymore and his mother said that she finds his new partner to be very aggressive, and that now his friends do not leave his side and they have often been caught phoning and texting her to let her know where they are.

My ex and his girlfriend have had numerous rather large, by my standards, arguements about each others behaviour, at least once a month I think, where one of them will threaten the other with a break up and they wont speak for a while then they will make in till the next arguement, where its all happy families. I try desperatly not to judge and only offer advice by way of talking to him to calm him, telling him to sleep on it, not to do anything rash. I would love to shake him and scream at him to find someone who loves him for him but its not my place, he needs to make his own mistakes, or hopefully good decisions.

I just want to see him happy and if he's with someone then someone who makes him happy and who respects who he is. I hope and pray that his new love is that person but something in me makes me feel like it is going to end very badly. Not that I would say it. Im not here to judge or to try and take the moral high ground, I just dont know if I could have it on my conscience to walk away and have something bad come along for him and not be there if and when he needs a good friend.

Life and relationships, who would have them lol?


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

Very VERY nice. What a clever girl you are :-)


SShadow 6 years ago

Interesting topic...I too am having these same issues right now. Dated for about a year and a half, and now recently going through the break up. It's right at the two month period where I'm really confused. My gf and I have been trying to maintain the friendship, but it is still really hard for me. I know that I should just move on with my life, but I too feel that little lingering feeling. I have made no attempt at all in calling or texting first. I have left that entirely up to her, because she broke it off with me. Her big point the first month was that she still wanted to see me at least once a week. Now in the second month can't go a week without making some kind of contact with me through e-mail or phone. Is the once a week routine a way to ease it all away? It's been so hard to let go because in my mind I didn't do anything wrong. I have a feeling she just left because of her lack to commit at all to a relationship. It's something that she has never done. Uses the person till she feels they have platued and moves on to something better. She has also stated to me that she has never been friends with any of her ex's. Never!!! I'm willing to show her that it can be possible. However I don't want to run into trying too hard just to make the friendship work. We share mutual friends, and sometimes in those akward situations when everyone is around I worry what other people talk about us behind my back, and I don't want this parting of ways to break mutual longer friendships I have, then with her. Did I fall deeper in love with her then she did with me?


Meh 6 years ago

SShadow,

I know where you are coming from, I feel the same when you say about the platue. Its as if we were content with our relationships and partners and they got bored with us and decided to go look for something more exciting. It could be that her once a week routine is to help ease it out, or maybe she had you in her life for so long she doesnt want to let you go completely or you could be her back up if things do not go as she planned.

The only thing I will say is don't let her use you, I feel that to an extent, that is what has happend to me. It is a horrible horrible feeling to know that you are willing to be a friend and be there whenever they need you and they take you up on it, yet when you need them you are treated like an inconvience. It eats at self esteem and confidence.

I truely hope that it doesnt get too messy. Please stick up for yourself and do NOT let her make you feel like it was all your fault.

Take Care. X


SShadow 6 years ago

Meh,

Thanks for your support. I don't want it to turn into a mess either. Only time will tell what really happens. The back up is an interesting theory. It makes more sense that this is what she's considering me as now. Frankly it sucks to think of me as a back up. I haven't used her for anything yet, so we'll see if she pulls out the incovenience card when the time comes.


TN 6 years ago

I am in the same situation now. I am in late 30 and he doesn't know what he wants. He couldn't let me wait for him and waste my time. More important, he has no feeling for me.

He wants to stop and I agreed (as this is not a kind of relationship I am looking for). He wanted me to be as his friend, but it is hard for me to move on , I still think of him a lot.

If I cut all the contact with him, I feel I am not right, he didn't have a happy childhood (maybe this is why I care him a lot) he live there lonely by himself, and I think he really need a friend who can tell him whenever he is not right.....what should I do?


Meh 6 years ago

TN,

I am not sure of your entire situation, however I will say that childhoods do greatly affect a persons relationships later in life. My ex also had a particularly difficult upbringing and I find/found myself making allowances for the way he was and his behaviour in the relationship and afterwards after knowing what he has been through.

I too am finding it extremely difficult to let go because I feel like I would be abandoning him just as he has been abandoned by those who love him, before.

Ultimatly it is up to you. If you feel that you can cope with the difficultes of continuing to have contact then go ahead. However if you feel that it will be detrimental to you then don't, because how can you support someone else if you cannot cope yourself?

I am glad to an extent that I have held on. My ex had an accident last week where he was hit by a car. He is okay, just shaken, but the first person he called, after his Dad so he could get picked up, was me. I personally find this extremly confusing as if I was him the first person I'd want to call is my partner. But he phoned me and I was there for him, I stayed on the phone and comforted him till he had someone there to look after him. When I have been sick recently I still want him, but that is because he still has my heart. Him wanting me just makes me over think, I guess.

I seen him the next day as it was as soon as we could meet. We sat by a canal and talked for a while, I was just wanting to check he really was okay. It was good to actually have physical contact for a while and remember he was a real person and not just a phantom who writes the odd text message.

Any input from others would be apprectiated. TN I hope that you make the best decision for you. Take care.

Xxx.


TN 6 years ago

Thank you Meh. I hope your ex will be okie soon.

I think you are right, if I couldn't take care of myself, there is no way I can help/cheer other people.... and I still have to take care of my parents.

I am still not decided yet, honesty, I don't want to contact him until I feel everything is okie for me, then I am willing to be his friend....whatever happens, I still want the best for him.

Thanks again for your advice.


confused 6 years ago

My ex wants to be friends I still have feelings for her and want to have a relationship with her. I have told her this, she has some issues that she is working thru, all she can offer me now is friendship now, and does not know what the futre holds for us. She is undecided as to what we might become. We did not have drama in our relationship, and we have went out a couple times (not dates)post breakup and get along quite well. We dated for 4 years, and I am wondering what she is doing weather she does not want to admit her feelings to me. Or if she is trying to figure things out.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

confused -

I applaud you for wanting to be careful with your feelings. You set the example on how others will treat you. If you don't respect yourself, why should anyone else.

In general, woman tend to follow their hearts. A man may get involved when the time is right. But a woman gets involved when the man is right.

If she is saying things like she doesn't know, and maybe in the future, that absolutely translates in women-speak to - she's just not that into you.

She may:

really value you as a person,

want to be friends but knows it will never go farther and doesn't want to hurt you,

like the ego and comfort of knowing that you are always waiting in the wings for her,

really thinks you're a great guy and wishes she felt differently. But she doesn't.

She isn't trying to figure things out, she isn't denying her feelings. I'm sorry, but that's my take on this.


Amit 6 years ago

Veronica,

its a good hub. 2 years and still going on.. Congrates!!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thank you Amit. I was just peaking at those stats.

Right now, I'm a Hubber for 3 years, with 795 followers. I've written 157 Hubs with 3372 comments, and 600,000 page views.

I'm really happy to be a part of Hubpages, and I'm looking forward to the next 3 years!


Amit 6 years ago

Veronica,

With your unbiased and honest opinion, I am sure you will make another 3 years. I have forwarded this blog URL to few friends of mine and waiting for their take on this subject. I think friendship can be maintained with your Ex if both of them are matured enough!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thanks Amit!!

xo


Iðunn 6 years ago

I trend to staying friends with all my exes, but sometimes a lot of time has to pass in between, sometimes from their side, sometimes from mine.

I hate losing them though because the people I love tend to have beautiful souls and if I loved them once, it was because they were deserving of that.

Since I like to surround myself with extraordinary people, I am sad if one slips away because one of us hasn't dealt with the changed status in the relationship yet.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Iðunn,

Yes. I agree. Whatever it was that initially attracted you, is still there.

Time is such a powerful thing. It sounds like bullshit when people say things like, "Give it time," but really there is such truth to that idea.


Iðunn 6 years ago

I quite agree and to say, I loved reading your responses to the situations here as always. I identified with those like me and felt quite sad for some of the struggling ones, with whom I found some common ground also.

You are always a comforting read, V.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thanks, Iðunn. So are you!


Mark  6 years ago

Today I deleted my ex's phone number. We broke up a year ago and she has maintained contact in order to be friends. I was in denial for the past year and now I recognize that I wasted a year using the "just be friends" excuse to be close to her. Once you have been intimate with someone, it is not possible to turn back time.


RachaelLefler profile image

RachaelLefler 6 years ago from Illinois

My bf really wants to be friends with his ex. I can't help feeling a bit jealous, even though he assured me he doesn't want a relationship with her. Does him wanting a friendship with her mean anything? Should I be worried or not?


dc 6 years ago

*second* what Iðunn said. that's the main reason I like my exes, like to stay friends with them, and can't understand why so many people want to cut all ties with them.

whew, I finally made it all the way to the beginning of your hubs! Maybe I'll add a question of my own after all... new developments arising today on my end... still percolating in my head though... :) -Debbie


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

RachaelLefler,

Your situation is a little different because it involves more than just the feelings of him and his ex. It involves your feelings too. I've written several hubs about compromising, and I think you've just inspired one specifically on jealousies and respect.

To answer your question, I'm not sure from what you've shared here if his wanting to have a friendship with her means anything or not. But, what really does mean something is how he handles YOUR needs, your communications and your concerns. I'm not saying he has to bend to your *crack* of the whip, and I'm not saying you have to just sit back and put up with his maintaining relationships that make you uncomfortable. I'm saying the way the two of you handle this is significant, and will probably be a model of how future controversies are dealt with.

You can't demand who he can or can't be friends with. And he can not ignore your concerns. There's a place in the middle where you two need to meet and compromise. Maybe he could agree - for a while until maybe you feel more comfortable - to only see this friend with you there too. Or maybe if you present the example of how he'd feel if you were hanging around with your ex, he will at least start out by saying, "Ah, OK. I get it now, I see what you're saying."

It is of course very possible he just wants to be friends with her. Trust your instincts. If he dismisses your needs completely, that could be a bad sign. This is an excellent opportunity to see how the two of you troubleshoot and can respect each other and work as a team to maintain your own needs, but to also make sure the needs of your partner are being met as well. I hope you'll keep in touch.


yyy 6 years ago

The problem with being friends with an ex is, if you're actually like me, the people you date and don't actually make good friends.

My ex dumped me, but now that I look back, the problem is not just that he dumped me but that he is a snide, arrogant, liar. Clearly, I don't want to be friends with someone like that.

If I had better taste in men, yes I would like to keep them as friends after dating. In fact, I did once date a really nice guy, and I am friends with him (although it did take a while, and we only ran into each other years later by accident). But I do think it's possible. It's definitely not possible if you break up on terms that make it impossible for you to have any respect for them.


Veronica 6 years ago

i went out with my ex for 3 months. We didnt sleep together but we had a fight that seemed to just end it all he claims i didnt understand him and i felt like he didnt understand me. There were lots of other things but he didnt care enough basically. A yr later he wants to be friends. We have close mutual friends but i would never see him casually. Should i be friends?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

If you really have a true desire to allow this ex to be your friend, then you should follow your heart and do it. But I would say, don't do it unless it's really something you're sure you want for yourself. If you two share close mutual friends, you should tread very carefully. If you allow your ex to be your friend and it doesn't work out, there will be definite uncomfortableness with the friends, one way or another.


should I? 6 years ago

First, let me just say this is a great hub. And a pretty big issue of mine, as well.

My significant other and I decided to take a 'break' over Spring Break and re-asses things that were going on, because I was really stressed out. Our relationship had been going for a little over four months, but for me, that was plenty enough to develop some pretty intense feelings. When the break was over, he said he didn't feel the same way as he did before, and that he wanted our relationship to come to an end, but he still wanted to be good friends.

I had gotten along with him really well three months prior to when we started going out, actually, call me crazy, but I think he's the best guy friend I've ever had. But every time I'm around him, it hurts, because I keep having recurring feelings, and memories. And then I'll be right in front of his face, and the conversations are painfully awkward, and I wonder if *he* really needs space right now. I'm trying to stay away from him so I can get over these feelings, because I do want to be friends with him.

Things are getting easier, I suppose, but then, that might just be me lying to myself to deal with this whole... situation. Help, please??


Jane Bovary profile image

Jane Bovary 6 years ago from The Fatal Shore

Hi Veronica,

After a bitter and twisted post-break-up period, my ex-partner and I have developed a great friendship. It took a conscious effort on my part [and his I guess] and I did it for the sole reason that we have kids.

It was worth it because it does make things a whole lot less stressful, for us but particularly the kids.

Had we been childless I probably never would have set eyes eyes on him again..


lovememarryme profile image

lovememarryme 6 years ago

Hi V

Excellent hub. After having two failed marriages I fully understand (or maybe not) what you're talking about. I have managed to stay friends with both my ex's as friendship is easier than hatred. After the initial breakdown and divorce there was obviously animosity between us, especially when either one of us got a new partner and was feeling top of the world, this didn't last long though. For me it was also necessary to stay friends as it was better for our children, even now our children are grown up we still remain friends. I am in a relationship now where my partner has not stayed friends with her ex and family and it causes untold problems, I'm just glad I took the other route.

Andy


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thanks lovememarryme. It's certainly the better thing that you did. I do hope your partners were understanding. I wrote an entire HUB when a gentlemen in your situation wrote to me, frustrated that his current wife couldn't support his friendship with the mother of his children. Very sad.

http://hubpages.com/relationships/Friends_with_the...

I am glad you took the best route. Very honorable. And I'm sure your children are too, especially now as grown-ups looking back on their foundations.

xo

V


mary 6 years ago

I dated someone for about four and a half years. I really loved them but did not think I was in love with them. I also had a lot of other self esteem issues. I told him to date other people (I had tried again and again and each relationship crashed and burned because of the choices of people I made) because I was tired of feeling guilty, of hurting this guy who was really great to me, and of using him as an excuse to not move forward with my life and my dreams. I told him I was not ready to date again and probably would not be for a year at minimum. I guess I wanted him to not date really, because when he found someone really wonderful for him, I felt completely betrayed. I said some really cruel things to him he did not deserve and he told me to cool off for a month. I went to jail for a speeding violation (no joke) and one night was horrible. A nightmare. I was completely blindsided that I would actually be sent to jail, have never been before, and am 30 years old. I felt/feel like my life is bottoming out. We agreed not to talk for a month and around 3 weeks have gone by. Actually exactly three weeks. He told me not to contact him in any way at the risk of losing our friendship forever, but after getting out of jail, I was a mess. I emailed him, told him it was okay if he did not call or email back and he has not. I feel so stung. I acted stupid for a little while, but he has known me now for nearly five years. This is the worst thing that has happened to me in those five years. I know he has moved on, but I really expected he would call me at least to show he cared. I was/am too embarrassed to tell any of my girlfriends about this- they all live states away and I don't feel comfortable sharing this with them, even though it was just speeding. I know its silly but I needed someone other than my family to know and just let me know it was okay. I reached out to him and he shut me out for the first time ever. I feel so angry and hurt and I stunned/shocked. How could someone I was so close to for so long, and who loved me so much, ignore me right now? It hurts and I don't want to give up on the friendship yet but if I don't hear from him at all, I feel like I will never want to again anyways. I don't know. If he doesn't get in touch with me I guess thats it anyways. If he does, and I still have some hurt or anger left over, what should I do? Thanks so much.

Mary


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Mary,

You told him you didn't want to date just him, you told him to move on and date someone else, and he did. You told him it was ok not to email you or call you back, and he didn't. Really what's going on here is you've never told him what you really want, and then you've expected him to behave differently.

He's asked for time. A month. And you don't want to give that to him. You're angry and hurt and stunned and so upset because he's doing what you told him was ok, and because you can't give him the time he has asked for. I realize you've gone through something horrible, but you have no reason to be angry at him, or hurt by him. This was all set up by you. This was your doing. And, from what you've shared, for some unknown reason, he hasn't locked you out of his life for good, he's merely honestly asked for a small finite amount of time.

You asked what should you do. You should stop stop stop putting sooooo much wrongful emotion into him. He's done nothing wrong. The expectations you have aren't fair. You should neutralize. Just breathe. Give him the month, or whatever time he wants. And be glad if and when he does reach out and want to have some kind of friendship again. Meanwhile, just focus on yourself. Own these emotions, as they belong to you. Deal with them and any pain you're feeling because you alone have put yourself in this situation. This is a crossroads in your life. This is huge. This is the moment where you can turn it all around. Take deep breaths and absorb this. Then let it go. Think about who you are, and why. Change the things you don't like, change the things about you that have caused you these pains and anger. Be new, be well.


wondering 6 years ago

My ex stalks me online. He places ads giving me reason to believe he is trying to explain why he has 'wronged' me in the past...because he was abused...mistreated. Ads of animal abuse are a common indicator to me that he wants me to feel bad for him about his past. Well, i do feel bad for him and although I believe that's his intention...to get me to understand what happened in his life..i think he becomes upset when I am actually empathetic to a certain degree regarding his human -ness. I want good for all people. I can't say I want to continue contact like this article but I can say I think it's a need for him to be understood ..it' s just that he probably has someone in his life now that could do a better job at giving him the understanding and since we are past it's really sad that he's still trying to reach out for something I'm truly not capable of providing.. i don't think he'll ever be 'happy' with whatever i could offer as understanding. I hate that what happens to us as children affects us so deeply as adults. I hate that we can't take that away for others but I do believe we can make things better for ourselves and those we love, now today. Not able to heal the abuse others caused. Not able to say I understand why


customastrocharts 6 years ago

Tough one, the infinite question :)


ECU_pirate06 6 years ago

Great article!!

It open my eyes. I broke up with my ex about 6 months ago and I can't forget him. We were best friends before starting our relationship, after 9 months, we broke up. We both said that we wanted still friends but it's hard for both of us to hang out just as friends.

Your article made me realize that I loved him, but I know we are not gonna get back together at least for now. I just realized what you mentioned in the article; wanting to be friends is just a subconsious excuse to be around him, and I am avoiding the fact that I need to move on. So, I am gonna move on, and if we have to get back together or be friends again, it will happen. "Whats meant to be will be".

Thanks for the artcle!


James Newton 6 years ago

I have just come out of a 5 year relationship. We both decided to call it a day after things werent working out anymore, its been a few months now and we have been on and off trying to be together againbut a week or so ago she told me it wasnt what she wanted at the moment and she hopes we can be great friends. This broke my heart, i love this girl we were each others first sexual partneers and we were great together most of the time.

Obviously she has made the decision to move on, i on the other hand have been heart broken ever since and would do anything to have her back.

Any help will be greatly appreciated as i dont know what to do, im not about to run away and loose what we have gained in the past 5 years we are great friends.

Loving her was something i loved and cherished all the time, it has now become a pain that is taking over my everyday life.


Jess 6 years ago

I've just spent 1 1/2 reading these and I'm still not done :) but I want to share my story and maybe see if anyone till comes here for advice... my boyfriend and i broke up 2 years ago, didn't talk for a week, and then fell right back into it.. we hang out all the time and occasionally sleep together.. we've dated other people but no one else has stuck for either of us.. theres a girl in his life now that he's thinking it might advance a bit more... while we were talking, he texted me and said that he thinks things may progress but he still has feelings for me and wants me in his life... i dont know what to do.. we will always love each other but have been friends for at least 7 years.. i dont see my life without him but i always think we should experience other people because we were young when we got serious.. any help?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Jess,

You were smart to want both of you to date other people because you were young. Very smart.

Your ages now are important, and since I don't know them, I have to respond a little more broadly than I would have liked.

The big thing I want to point out is, as long as he can have his cake and eat it too, he will. He has no reason to examine, think, and choose, if he doesn't have to. If he can have this girl in his life progressing, and still as you said hang out with you and occasionally sleep with you, he will do both. He's even verbalizing it - he said he wants you in his life, and that things are progressing with this girl.

Now here's where it gets tricky. Giving an ultimatum will drive him right into the other girl's arms. I promise. And the truth is, a guy you get because you threatened him, isn't a guy you want. Nothing good can come from a relationship you had to push somebody into.

You can make your desires clear without being naggy or bitchy.

Please check out this hub I wrote -

http://hubpages.com/relationships/The-Difference-B...

If you decide you want to be the one he's progressing with, communicate your needs and wants clearly, without nagging or bitching.

And if you aren't sure, then maybe it's time to step back and be his friend instead of someone he sleeps with sometimes, and let his advancing relationship with this other woman take it's course.


Jess 6 years ago

We've been friends for 8 years.. We're both under the age of 25... He's still my best friend and we both can't imagine lives without such a good friend to lean on.. problem is we've tried the stopping physical thing but always end up falling right back into it.. 60% of me knows I should just cut off all ties so we can heal and move on and then be friends, but 40% of me really believes I can't handle it and I'm not strong enough to end it.. I really appreciate the advice!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Jess,

Ah, ok. You're younger than I was thinking. (You sound very mature and together for your age.)

With the new info of your young ages, I would say you still have about 3 years before things will need to either cut off or step up. Basically right now, you can take some time, and allow him his, and relax. If you're ok with the situation, then that's fine. And healthy.

At his age, if he is advancing with this other woman the way he indicated he is, the odds are it is because she is pushing for that.

There really are some people that we just can't get out of our hearts. When you are both 28 - 29, your relationship will shift. One or both of you will be ready to cut this off and move on, or this could grow to be the forever relationship. But you have a few years before that point.

Trust your heart. If you can handle what's going on then don't worry and don't over think it. Enjoy him, and enjoy your life. There's no rush or reason to change anything right now.


kimoy257 6 years ago

hey I'm kimoy

I'm going through a hard time now trying to move on but my ex boyfriend is always on my mind when i'm bored and feeling lonely. We've been together for 10 months and at first he was the most incredible, funny and feel safe when I'm around him, this guy just have a great personality. We started out as bestfriends for 6 months until start like each other more than friends. I wasn't attracted to him cause he's not the best looking guy ever but he is sexy.

we've been breaking up and we keep getting back with each other, until 2 mouths now that we officially broke up because he said he doesn't have feeling for me anymore and I couldn't stand that I'm the only one in the relationship. since we've broke up I feel depress, stress out because I'm thinking about him when i should be thinking about my exams. I tried everything to stop thinking about him, like I deleted memory photos, I delete him off webs sites we talked on, I delete his phone number, grrr I just want to move on... but yet I can't. I picked up the phone the other day and called him and started to talk like everything is cool and like we are friends. then he took me that he has a new girlfriend... my insides were screaming but I had to pretend that I'm cool with it. the more I think about it kinda hurts cause we haven't break up for 2 mouths yet. now my exams are finishing and less stress I now decided to stay in connect with him so, I can be his friend and hopefully we can build back your friendship. I'm starting to date other guys and like him but I'm afraid that I will hurt him cuz I can't get over my ex.

that this point i need some advice.


matthew davis  6 years ago

hey my gf recently broke up with me bout 2 months ago we were together for over 3 years i still want her bak so bad like there is not a day when i dont think of her for like the first month i msged her everyday n i never got a reply and the past month ive forced my self not to msg or call her to see if she will miss me n msg me or something but she hasnt yet it kills me that she hasnt... the day she broke up with me i asked can we still be friends n she said yeah i dont want to throw u out of my life but thats wat she has done we are only young im only 20 n she is 17 but i still no that i am inlove with her n i no deep down she still has feeling for me u can be with soeone for over 3 years n just forget about them can u please help me


Mark T. 6 years ago

My gf hates me and says she has no desire to be my friend I really want her back deep down inside but I can manage being her friend for now we had a very, very sexual relationship and we're only 16 I want to get close to her again but don't know how to make her listen.... gee I wish I knew how to approach this situation. We were together for about 4 months and been broken for 5months but go to the same school its crazy.........


harshita  6 years ago

you shuold be friend of him /her i just wanna say this............


harshita  6 years ago

you shuold be friend of him /her i just wanna say this............


elena 6 years ago

the best revenge is happiness :)


mirinda211 6 years ago

Hi I am dating this girl for an year now and she is my first girl friend, she had two boy friends before me and is still in contacts with them. She said she had emotional relationship with first one and not with the other and she never cheated. She had a mutual break up with her first bf more than an year ago after dating 2years and dated the next one for 3 months before she broke up. Everything was cool between us and I thought I had it all cleared up in our relationship. 5 months ago I moved to another place and we have been having LDR since then and her first bf returned. I knew he would return and had conversations with her on that matter in the early stages about what would happen between both of us, her answer was that it would be the same and she loves me and that she is over him but he is just a friend as its fun hanging out with him. They meet everyday and she know it bothers me. She tells me whenever they meet, but i never kindle her into what they talked about. I like this girl very much and sometimes i feel she likes me too. I dont know if she is really just friends with him or if she is playing with me. There had been times and still are when she says she wants to move in with me and talk about future. I am totally confused. To be frank i am not that good in bed, i do satisfy her but i feel its not enough when i compare with her exs, and she says she doesnt care much about sex. She often makes fun how i am not manly enough as i cant grow thick beard (she likes beard and her ex has one). I dont know if she wants to find things i cant offer her in him or if she is really telling me the truth. How can i find this out. and why is she still in friends with her ex even if she doesnt like him (as he likes one night stand and has lot of sex craving girls around him). I even asked her why she is still friends but she says she dont know. As a girl what do think... i just want to take away my insecure feeling


sarah_21 6 years ago

My boyfriend talking to his ex lead to him cheating and an ugly and devastating break up. We're back together now but its hard. However I realized that the way I talk to my ex's and to guys in general is probably not acceptable.

Being friends with ex's is probably only a good idea when you are friends with them because you genuinely have things in common and enjoy their company. If there is any kind of longing for closure, reminiscing about old romance, then its definitely not a good idea. Especially if they treated you badly, hurt you, and if your current partner doesn't feel comfortable.

What I've learned is that you want your current relationship to work, sometimes its necessary to let old ones go completely. I am friends with some of the guys I've dated that did not become serious boyfriends, but even that tends to make my partner uncomfortable. I've always been the kind of girl to leave guys hanging on and available even when I'm not interested. I'm learning to stop acting that way.

I guess that's growing up.


Tony 6 years ago

Going through the same myself for 2nd time in 34 years... I think part of the problem today is our own propensity towards selfishness and expecting our partner to meet ALL our needs and make us happy, These are very unrealistic expectations to place on our partner. Im not being disrespectful but when one has 15 years of ex's under ones belt it might be time to look at yourself? Maybe we need less selfishness in relationships, Love does not fail, We fail to love.


SSh 6 years ago

Veronica, very interesting blog. Here is my problem : We work at the same university (but not at the same group or building). We got to know each other since we ended up working together on the board of a student club that we are both members of. Nothing happenned for the first few months, I was just getting out of a 3-years relationship breakup. A while later, I asked her out, her reaction was a bit ambiguous, but she agreed to go out. That should have been the first red flag I should have seen. Since both of our work involves a lot of travelling, we got to see each other very intermittently in the next two months. I just didnt see that spark, from her side atleast. Red flag no 2. At the end of it, I was convinced that it was not going to work out and I thought I was ready for a "No". So we decided to have "the talk". We met up for dinner at her place, and she told me that she just didnt feel that way, and of course she "still wants to be friends". Since I thought I was ready for to be friends, it was fine the first day, but then it hit me, really hard. 2 days of doing nothing, literally, except thinking about "what went wrong" and how i could get myself into that state within so small a relationship period. Since we still had to be working together, I saw her once every two weeks, and although I expected myself to be a bit more "mature", seeing her didnt help. Each time it just took me down on a downward spiral once again. Its been 4 months now since we called it off, and I met her at a small party of the club a couple of days ago, I avoided getting too close to her for the first couple of hours but once the alcohol took control, we were talking once again, a bit too much, the problem is that for her it was like "friends" but I realized I still wanted more! So everytime I see her or talk to her, I once again start tripping downwards, big time.

The only way out seemed was to act "mature" and "be a man"!!! But that clearly was not working, so I finally decided to just quit the board, since that was the only way I was still seeing her. Since we do not have too many common friends, this way I would hopefully be able to avoid bumping into her, and hopefully finally be able to get over. Working on the university board surely was something I loved to do but I think getting depressed each time I saw her at a meeting/party was too much of a price to pay...Any thoughts? Just feels stupid to have gone through it all especially when I saw so many red flags all the way.....


canali 6 years ago

being friends with the ex? why for gawd sakes? an ex is an ex is an ex.... as one saying i heard go: 'friends can become lovers...but seldom can lovers become friends' (heck maybe lukewarm acquaintances at best)...no thanks...whenever I see my exes i avoid them like typhus.


spoony 6 years ago

Hello Veronica and everyone, great hub. I just signed up to reply. In my case no. I am having a terrible time. The girl in question I have known for nearly 9 years. And although I have strong feelings for her, she only wanted to be friends with benefits. But its been very confusing for me because she got jealous if I got another girl, said she loved me at times. Now she has someone else and when I found out they were serious a year ago I did not want to talk to her anymore, it hurt too much - it hurts even now. So I just moved on and tried to forget her. But she kept on calling/texting me saying she wants to be friends, after ignoring her for about 6 months I finally spoke to her. She said how much she wants me to be friends and misses me etc. I sat and thought about it for a few weeks. Those weeks turned into months. In the past when anything like this happened we would speak, argue, thrash it out, even have make up sex whatever, but this time I have just left her to contact me... she spent so long trying to get me to talk to her - but she hasn't called in months. I think it was all about the control. So npw I am in a horrible postition not knowing what to do.

I want to contact her to tell her goodbye and put an end to it once and for all so i can have closure, but I can't bring myself to say goodbye to her for good plus I have been advised against this. I have been told just to go no contact and ignore any calls.

We were such close friends and I helped her get over her ex before me, I could never have imagined that ending it with her would be so hard. I would like to be friends with her but I can't see at the moment how I would do it, if ever, it saddens me so much. Every day I wake up and think of her and she is the last thing I think of at night and she has no idea I am am going through this, she probably thinks everything is ok. sorry for the long post.


Zhary Dela Cruz Phils. 6 years ago

For me as a mother, i was abandoned by my ex boyfriend. In order to survive. I focussed my time on how i can raise my daughter. Ill take what happen to me as a challenge in my life. Prayers and determination is my only hope. I went to church near in our town, I prayed that, (Lord I am not pleasing you to win him back, I only wanted you to guide me and help me to forget him, specially please don't allow me to burden my life because of this guy. I know its been very painful to me, but what more painful is ruin my life because of him, I promise I will help myself for my daughter and those people who love me hoping and praying too, for me to survive please) After that, it gave me a peace of mine slowly understanding and recovered. Because of his wrong doing. One day. I realized that I'm fully recovered, because I practice my heart, my mind, seeing him with different girls, believing that it over between us, that he don't love me anymore, at first its too painful, but I put on my mine, one day this feelings will nothing for me. Everyone need to enlighten and accept the fact, no matter how painful is it because it will take you as a challenge, on putting you in correct path, realizing and thanking god that you have a kind of life like this, instead of having that person for the rest of your life. What? I really don't understand is, his still refusing my friendship, we have a child and we need to be matured. On my daughter's part its been a long story how she realized our situation, but I never feed her anything against her father. I gave her father all benefit although. I was raising my daughter on my own. For me its a matter of forgetting the past and giving my daughter her right to realize everything on her own. Beside I am really happy for what I am now. Everyone wishing to have a complete family same as me. But what I have now is a blessing to me, thats why, I am embracing what god gave me. I have tess and my daughter shannel. My family and they say if someone closing his door to you, someone will open for you. And that someone is a complete family of tess. Including her 2 brother's and 2 sister's with their families plus a loving mother in law to me and my daughter. I forget to say tess is a lesbian we are almost 7 years and getting stronger. If your interested, see my photo on my facebook. My advise is, it doesn't mean when your ex offering a friendship there is still hope on the other side, well it depends on two parties situation. But for me I can face him with an honest smile and good heart. Thanking him, that if this thing not happened to me. I am not having this happiness right now.


Ihavehope 6 years ago

My boyfriend I were forced to break up because of our familial backgrounds.We do still love each other. It has been 6 months since we broke up. It then went on to become friends with benefits for a while. I then put a stop to it. I don't want a relationship at this moment in time, but I do miss him, he was like my best friend as well as my lover. I am seeing him tomorrow and am going to try to be a proper friend. I can't not have him in my life and we have the same mutual friends. So I think if i truly put my mind to it, we can be friends for now. What the future holds? who knows? I can only hope.


help 6 years ago

I have a problem and I haven't found anything yet to solve it. My ex is someone I met at my University and she's a part of the group of (good) friends I have at the university.

The problem is that I can't get over her, because she still wants to keep in contact with me and do fun stuff, she also comes to me to talk about all her problems. I know that her problems aren't my problems anymore, but because of the fact that she still comes to me for her problems and because of some very good moments that we've had after we've broken up I can't really get over her.

Another problem is that she has started 'something' with another friend of that same group. It's a very stupid situation.

I don't know what to do now. What I want most is to get over my ex, but I don't want to spoil things when we're doing stuff with all of my friends. Nor do I want to look stupid in front of my friends

Does anyone have some advice for me?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

ihavehope,

It truly sucks that you met someone you embraced as a best friend and a lover and threw that away over "familial backgrounds." If two consenting adults want to be together, they should be strong enough to be together, and not trapped by "traditional" families who would rather serve antiquated bullshit then to see their children happy.

help,

if you really feel that you can't move on as long as this friend is around, then you need to break free from this group for a while. Find some new friends, or reconnect with older friends. Change it up. It doesn't have to be a forever-decision. Anyone who truly values you as a friend will respect and support a mature non-confrontational decision like that one. Clearly if she's already with another friend in the group, she's moved on. Do what you should do so you can move on too. The only "stupid" looking thing you can do is to remain trapped, stuck, and blocked.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

spoony,

I answered your comment in your very own hub. It's here:

http://hubpages.com/relationships/Moving-On-Gettin...

I hope it helps. Good luck to you.


Amerie 6 years ago

You can only be friends as long as both partners accept the break up..Im attempting to be friends with my ex...even though we had a really bad break up.He has a girlfriend now and I am cool with it.I will always have a special place for him but I know we could never be together romantically.It Just wont work out.But I like him as a person and a friend and he feels the same way.It just takes tow very mature people to pull it off.Now I would never over stepmy bounds with an ex..when I say friends I mean casual phone calls or a text every few weeks .Not everyday.If you feel the need to communicate with your ex everyday then you are not over him..


septembergurl 6 years ago

I can't be 'friends' with my ex, that's why I divorced him. I get along with him for the kids. Altho I am trying to be 'best friends' with his GF. ha ha ha (jk)


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

septembergurl

Yeah, this article was obviously geared more toward younger people dating, but I hear ya on that one. I have a couple friends that have managed to be friends with ex husbands, but they are in the minority.


septembergurl 6 years ago

If my ex was my age,(he is ten years younger than me, I know I am just a cougar and I made my little bed) I could be friends, it's in my mentality. But he is too young and too immature. His culture doesnt allow it either. I have two curses. AND his GF is 25 years younger than me ,, no kids but knows it all,,and that makes for some sparks...My grey hairs just grin and bare it...


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Wow! interesting. There's a hub or 2 in that! Maybe you'll write it. ;)

My husband is 7 years younger than I am. We're married 12 years now, together 14. So I'm a cougar too ;) loving life and going strong with the love of my life. We don't have kids though, so that makes a huge difference.


septembergurl 6 years ago

Oh no!!!!! Thats for you! I cant write like you!

GRAZIE ;)


Dana Lateva 6 years ago

i dont think u and ur ex will be friends again believe me it is impossible!!!! cuz the love inside u will come out and u will regret dumbing himso trust me dont even think to do that!!!!!!!!!!11


moon 6 years ago

hey Veronica,nice article..love it.I need ur help i have a serious problem.Here s my problem.I was in love wt dis guy for 3 years.we were living together for 1.5 yrs.but we broke up as his family was not ready to accept me and guy was mama's boy.He said it better to move on..Its been 6 months we broke up but i love him a lot and want him back in my life.He called me two days back and wnt to be my frnd.I dnt know wat to do..because it will be only frndship and i still love him a lot......so tell me wat to do?to hang on or move on..waitimg 4r ur response


SteveoMc profile image

SteveoMc 6 years ago from Pacific NorthWest

It is possible to be friends with your ex but it may take time. Lots of time. Like 25 years.


dufus 6 years ago

If you really fall in love with someone then it's lasts your entire life.


SShadow 6 years ago

IT IS VERY HARD!!! Somedays better then others. Avoid parties if you can. Someone is either lying or taking all the pain. You can find that happy medium in there somewhere, however there has to be an understanding of who the other person is. Always willing to adapt to what the other one throws at you. Give each other space if that's what's needed. Don't go out on any limbs unless you really feel that you have to. What makes you happy is most important. Because here on earth it's about you. Not anyone else. Don't make your life about them.


canali 6 years ago

i read a great and true saying a few months back...''friends can become lovers, but seldom is the opposite true.'' yup....believe this fully..unless you were first friends (who then became lovers) or have property or kids so thus have to interact, for most of us going backwards is not easy or doable...perhaps not 'til wayyyyyyyyy down the road....i am still not wanting to date after a 2 yr relationship that gutted me nearly 2 yrs ago (will be 2 yrs mid sept actually)...she met some guy but 2 mo after me, and he proposed to her 5 mo later...she declined then accepted 5 mo later still...and were married 3 months ago...i miss all the things we did together, but not the baggage that came with her often rude 18 yr old daughter (boundaries of disrespect were something that wore on me and i eventually retreated emotionally...sure in hindsight i would have done things differently instead of stewing and becoming passive aggressive (but was first time dating a single mom)...i think it's important to continue onwards meeting new people and making new friends and diversifying one's social interests to get TLC from different venues (heck even when one is seeing someone, there should still be alot of diversification to avoid making one the centre of your universe..it's all about healthy balance imo)...and i've NEVER been still 'stuck' on someone like this one (regrets,if onlys....you know the scoop, despite her last email saying that she never loved me nor was ever truly attracted to me...BS imo, rationalization on her part...yet that hurt)...after 1 yr of NC on my part, she emailed me in june asking ''how i was...hoping my life is filled with joy and happiness and to drop her a line''...uh...er...i don't think so...that email raised feelings of anger, sadness, longing, regret etc...pushed me backwords...so i've blocked all ways for her to get in touch with me: hotmail, work, FB, cell all have her as 'junk' and to be blocked...funny but that also hurts, too, in pushing her away...but for now it's what I must continue to do.

has anyone else gone through such a long healing process?...and not wanted to date even a few yrs later?...wonder if i'm a 'whack job' or not, LOL...never has any relationship kept me so 'stuck' in not wanting to get involved again...maybe it's the universe sending a message to finally clear up some old scars/hurts....


nearlylost 6 years ago

test


Heartbroken Man 6 years ago

My story. Its been about three months since I found out she cheated, and two since we ended all contact whatsoever. We started talking casually about two weeks ago and met up one.

The beginning: There were multiple flags I should have seen looking back. The way we met should've told me everything I needed to know. She was 19 i was 22. Me and a few mates went on a road trip to her university to visit another mate that had a massive room on campus. It was planned to be a "dirty weekend" if i'm honest.

Anyway long story short. I met her in a club on the first night, she was smashed. There wasn't much convo, I just asked her if she was ok and we were kissing practically a minute later. In my drunken state i took her into the male toilets and our shananigans in there led to getting kicked out of the club pretty quickly. We got a cab back to hers but believe it or not she couldn't go through with, despite her obviously drunken state. I slept on her desk and left the next morning as I had no idea where i was. She was so embarassed the next morning and I could tell she was not the type of girl to behave that way unless she was drunk. Or so I thought. She gave me a massive hug for not taking advantage of her and we swapped numbers in case she got lost.

Initially I wasn't really interested at all to be honest she was just so far from my type of girl. She was Indian I'm Black. I texted her a week later and we got talking for a bit. She seemed extremely interested, I went up to visit a month later and she threw herself at me as soon as she opened the door. We spent literally two hours kissing before she had to leave for the easter break, I walked her to the bus stop where we hugged for ages and then headed back to my mates flat. As far as she was concerned that was it, I was her boyfriend. And while i resisted at first, eventually I began to fall for her - hard. Her love was infectious.

It turned out she'd broken up wid her ex 6 months before me, and some other black guy she slept with a week before I met her had taken advantage of her and never called her again. She'd been trying to get her ex back up until the point she met me, and it became clear pretty soon she wasnt quite over him.

Anyway that faded eventually and for 14months we had a great relationship, we'd laugh literally every second we were together and our honey-moon period seemed never ending (as long as we were together that is).

The problems: Her racist family, she told me they would never accept me so everything had to be done in secret. I hardly EVER saw her when she went home for the holidays and because her uni was a 4 hour commute for me by coach we we couldnt see eachother that often. I'd graduated a few months after meeting her and was unemployed the whole relationship which also put a strain on how often I could visit. The other problem was with her crazy insecurity. she could not STAND the fact i had female friends. Especially one in particualr who i used to fancy long before i met her. She used to think up all sorts of crap in her head, accuse me, tell me I needed an escort whenever i was out with them. It got so bad that simply the mention of the country this girl was from would lead to an argument. We argued most when we were apart, when I was with her it was alot more laughter that anything else.

The end: She cheated on me. It turns out she was the one who couldnt be trusted around guys and she was projecting this onto me. She met a guy at a house party and was kissing him all night, despite telling him she had a boyfriend. She then took his phone number and his facebook and was flirting with him for a week before I found out. That same mate I had that goes to her uni caught wind of what had happened and phoned me straight away. We were in a restaurant at the time (having so much fun.) I confronted her, she denied and gave me a lot of attitude until I threw her drink over her head at which point she broke down and told me it meant nothing.

I couldnt catch an early coach home so was force to sit in her room talking for 5 hours straight. I was in complete shock, but i'd always told her if she ever cheated on me it was over. I left at 6am and by 3am the next day she was having sex with the guy. I only found out because I'd hacked her e-mail. Even after the act she had the cheek to e-mail me telling me it was only a kiss and I should take her back.

Anyway, after a week or so i tried to take her back. It's not something i would normally try but i honestly think i was suffering from depression as a result of being unemployed for so long as well as this on top. It fizzled out after another week or so and we went no contact for 6. Her mother (who had previously threatened to disown her if she dated a black man) even called me to tell me how remorseful her daughter was. Despite this, I denied. Despite her begging, despite everything, I just knew we were over.

We met up last week (against my gut feelings) and all the emotions i thought i was over came back to the surface. Once again she begged me, once again i denied. But I cannot help still loving her. I think she has started meeting other men now and the though upsets me...alot. Despite the fact I know we can never work, it's like i don't want her to move on. I don't want her to forget about me...

I think this is the reason im still allowing her to contact me. It just hurts that she's moving on quicker and no matter what i do, i just still don't feel ready. I still struggle to believe she done this to me. She honestly loved me more than anything...at one point. I want to remain in contact but as i said only so she won't forget about me. Despite how much I still love her, i never want her back.


SSh 6 years ago

Heartbroken Man, sorry to hear about your story. I know it would be difficult to keep yourself away from her, but man, you got to do it! One of my ex's used to say, "its not cold but protection". Youg got to protect yourself! Delete her phone number, her email address, this way you wont be able to call her during your weak moments. Talking to a friend also helps. Every time you would feel like meeting her, that friend will be your stop sign! Atleast in my case, it worked. Good luck and dont worry, you will get over it! It just takes some time :)


Friends? 6 years ago

I just recently ended a relationship with a friend I've known for about three years? The reason why it ended was because he still had feelings for his ex, and was never really there in the relationship. Sadly I was ready for it and really did love him, but he never had those kinds of feelings for me. I'm trying to remain friends but after everything I've read about getting over someone I don't think it will be easy. We share the same group of friends so I know I need to be able to be around him in the future but for now I need time alone. Knowing everything we shared meant nothing to him kind of hurts, and the first day I was really upset, but now I'm moving into a more bitter feeling. On one side I want to hate him and punch him in his face, the other side wants to just be friends and move on. I just really hope we can remain friends, because he was a really good friend to me before we started seeing each other.


pursy 6 years ago

My ex broke up with me after 7 years. We were having problems, but I thought we'd work it out. He still wants to be friends. When I met him again, he seemed to have moved on so much that it really hurt. Does he want to be friends with me because he feels guilty. I want him back, but I don't think he wants me back. I want to be adult enough to stay friends, but I don't think I can because I still love him. Am I being stupid and should I just not contact him, or shall I try to be friends in the hope that he may one day change his mind?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

pursy,

He broke up with you, he's moved on so much it's apparent. You said you don't "think" he wants you back. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

As far as being friends, you can't be friends because you want him back. You asked if you should try to be friends "in the hope that he may one day change his mind." That's not friendship. You need to let go and move on.


Pursy 6 years ago

Veronica,

Thank you. I guess I should accept it, but after 7 years with someone its really hard not having them around. I know you're right, but it still hurts like hell! The worst thing is that it felt like it was all really sudden, I didn't see it coming.


Lindsey 6 years ago

Pursy -- You're right; it's is super hard and hurts like hell. I've been there too -- after a 6 year relationship. I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but I agree wholeheartedly with Veronica. The best thing for you to do is not have any contact with him. It's sort of like detoxing an addict. I know it sounds terrible, but there really is no "stepping down" or "easing off" for the devastated one in the relationship. Cold Turkey is the only way to go. Ever seen Swingers before? If not, it's not a bad movie to check out for this as John Favreau does a really good job of portraying that experience.

Take it a day at a time. The first week I thought was the hardest. But after you put together 7 days without contact, then you can start counting by weeks and then eventually by months. For me, I put a lot of the extra angst into long walks with my dog and working out. I found that if I exhausted myself physically, I didn't have as much energy to hurt. It's like the energy needed to go somewhere and if I didn't direct it into some sort of outlet, it was going to eat me up inside.

I know it's hard to believe it right now, but it really does get better. If you can hang on and muddle through the shithole you're in now, it will get better. It's just hard to see right now with all the grief enshrouding you. But trust me, before long, you'll smile again and laugh unexpectedly and be excited about what life has in store. I wish you all the best and much love and healing energy!!!


SarahM 6 years ago

This is a really good article but I need help.

This past summer i met a guy at the beach and he was from another town about an hour away. i gave him my number and we started talking. He seemed really nice and we talked for about a month before he asked me out. Just 3 days after going out he cheated on me. i found out from the girl and broke up with him.

after that we decided to talk as friends for a while but that only lasted a couple weeks because i realized it was too hard. i also deleted him as a friend on facebook because i didn't want to see what he was doing and he would message me asking why i deleted him so i finally accepted his friend request.I know he still likes me and i'm still in love with him. It's been a month since we broke up and i'm still not over him. I cry when i think about what he did to me. I think about him everyday and i think to myself that i want him back but i know it's wrong because he cheated on me. I don't know if I should talk to him as friends but i want to. I know that if i text him he will text me back because he still cares about me. What should I do?


SarahM 6 years ago

and I'm 16 so some of the things like missing sex do not pertain to me.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

SarahM, if you cry when you think about him, you shouldnt be friends with him or FBing with him. You need some time. Maybe somewhere up the road you guys can try the friends thing. But not now. Give yourself some distance. You're allowed.


Ange 6 years ago

I'm really trying to not care about my ex and get jealous of his relationships with other women. It's none of my business as a friend. Sometimes, I feel resentment towards him, but I'm putting that energy into making my new boyfriend feel special, and to make our time together the best it can be.

I don't want to keep having these feelings about the past and wishing for what was, or envying someone else because they might date my ex. I want to move on and enjoy my life. Equally, I want my ex (also my friend) to be happy. I don't want him to feel like shit.

I really love my new boyfriend, but remaining friends with my ex sometimes feels like a drag. Sometimes I just get so down and so jealous when we hang out together. It's not good, for either of us. What my ex and I mainly have in common is that we're both very creative, love going to concerts together, have the same taste in music and humour.

Mainly, I just think that I'm now with a guy who really enjoys my company, and I really enjoy his; he wants a romantic relationship, and is a bit closer to my ideal guy. I've learnt things from the last relationship with my friend - it was a big learning curve. But sometimes, I can be very bitchy and sour towards him, when I shouldn't be. I'm learning how to deal with this.


Lindsey 6 years ago

SarahM -- quick question. Were you and the guy exclusive?

Given your description--that you talked/texted for about a month and then went out on 1 date, I wouldn't think so. Did you guys have a conversation where it was both understood that you were exclusive -- boyfriend and girlfriend -- and you were agreeing not to see other people? Is it possible that this is a situation where there is some miscommunication on expectations? Where you thought your were exclusive and therefore him going out with another girl 3 days after your date was him cheating on you---whereas he thought you weren't exclusive and you both were free to see other people?

In my experience, if an older woman gave these facts, I'd never assume they were exclusive until they explicitly agreed to it and had "the conversation". My boyfriend and I dated for 3 months before we decided to be exclusive, and it was perfectly okay to date other people in the interim. During that time, if he would have gone out with another woman, it wouldn't have been cheating. It would only be cheating after we decided to be exclusive, and for us that occurred at the 3 month mark.

I just wanted to throw this out as a possibility -- and why the boy may be very confused as to what's happening -- that he may have had other expectations.


Lindsey 6 years ago

Ange -- I'd love to hear what Veronica says about this, because I'm going through something somewhat similar. I think I'm a little further along the path than you, but have experienced a lot of the same feelings.

For me, I decided that it showed me that I wasn't quite ready to be friends again. That I needed more time to heal. Sort of like when you have a physical injury -- you have to give your body a certain amount of time before you can start rehabilitation, and then even more time during rehabilitation until you're healed enough to get back in the game. If you try to rush that process, you'll re-injure yourself or won't heal properly.

I figure, like me, you're somewhere in the rehabilitation phase. I too have a new boyfriend that I love dearly. I definitely don't want my ex back at all, but yet I still have some unresolved feelings related to him -- some feelings of sourness and resentment, which oftentimes hit me totally unexpectedly. To me, it tells me that I haven't really finished the grieving process for that old relationship. I've done a good deal of it, but not 100% to the final stage of acceptance because I'm not acting/feeling as I would towards a regular friend. I've moved on, but the healing isn't totally complete yet.

You've got to decide what is best for you, but for me, it was just to take a time-out. As Veronica pointed out to me, there was just too much agenda still between us still being friends. The agenda may not be wholly bad or insidious (wanting to prove to myself I was okay and over it, etc.), but still just not a good idea. It would inhibit my true healing process and could endanger my current relationship, which I definitely don't want to do. So just some things to think about and what I've learned along the way...


Simone 6 years ago

Hi Veronica and thank you for the article. I have a dilemma and wanted your opinion. My bf has been in touch with an ex and I found out through his email.Their relationship ended several years ago and she is actually out of state and has been for some tiem.They occasionally email and talk on the phone.None of which I knew about,although he had mentioned he emails a couple of his ex's,no mention of phone calls.He clamis it's only because their relationship had ended on bad terms after several years and so he feels bad about the way he had treated her.He says he likes to know that she's doing well and is happy.She apparently had moved on and has been married.He hasn't seen her in several years.Not sure what to think.If he's still stuck on her or if the reaon is legitimate.BTW he's the one who had ended the relationship.


Pursy 6 years ago

Lindsey,

Thank you. Two weeks of no contact and counting!

It helps to know I'm not the only one.


Lindsey 6 years ago

Pursy --- good for you!! I found the first two weeks to be the hardest. In such a short amount of time, can you already tell the difference? At that point, I was like, "okay this is really, really hard and hurts like hell, but I can make it...." Before that, it seriously felt like my heart might not make it. Dying from a broken heart---I think there really is something to it as I had chest pains and everything---but at the two week point, I felt like it had already started to get a little more manageable (no more chest pains).

Keep it up!!! Once the pain subsides, you'll probably be able to look back at your relationship for lessons learned. That was something else that helped me--made the pain more bearable. If I was able to glean lessons out of the heartache it felt like there was a greater purpose to the pain other than just hurting.

You'll probably get to the point someday, when you'll be happy the relationship ended because it wasn't as strong as you thought it was. For me, loyalty and someone that is willing to work things out through hard times is really, really important (the whole "for better or worse" vow). I am one of those people; he wasn't. Being wrong about him in that very important way---the loss of that illusion of who I thought he was rather than who he really ended up being was hard to accept. The fact that his love for me was weaker than mine was for him---that took a while to accept and grieve for. But, in the end, it was better that we ended because I want to be with someone that loves just as fiercely as I do, who will be there for "better or worse". And I'm sure, Pursy, you do too.


Pursy 6 years ago

Lindsey,

Wow, you've hit the nail on the head! That's exactly why it hurt so much, and still does, if I allow it to. The fact that I was willing to work at it to get us back to that point where we were happy, but he wasn't willing to. Like you, I felt that my love was really strong and I thought his was too, but like you say, it wasn't strong enough! It was that loss of faith and the fact that he wasn't who I thought. When I saw him last time just over 2 weeks ago, it was like meeting a stranger. He seems to have changed so much in such a short period of time.

I can see the difference in myself, I'm laughing again, and I've realised it wasn't all my fault, in the end there were 2 of us in that relationship and if only one of us is trying it wasn't going to work.

I just need to work out how to find someone that is strong enough now.

Thank you very much Lindsey, you're a star! :-)


Lindsey 6 years ago

Pursy,

I bet you it's not so much that he changed so much in such a short period of time, but that you're finally seeing all of him--you have your eyes truly open now and he's so much different than you thought he was and that's the big change. You aren't blinded to significant parts of his character anymore.

We all have blind spots and sometimes when you've got certain qualities (loyalty, willing to work hard, etc.), you just assume that those you love do too. I guess losing some of that naivete is part of growing up -- learning to differentiate between those with character and those without character. Just because you're a good person doesn't mean everyone else is--you learn to be more discriminating.

For me, my blind spot is what I call the softer sides of love. My family is harder, stiff-upper-lip sort of people. They're not real emotionally demonstrative and don't tend to show a lot of softness -- things like empathy, kind words of encouragement or appreciation. They're the type of people that you know love you, but you don't always really "feel" it because they're not that comfortable "showing" it.

My ex had those softer things in spades---he made me feel so loved and I so lacked that growing up, that it pretty much blinded me to everything else. I had this deep hole and he filled it and that's all I could see.

Looking back, I saw some of his lack of "work at it" character in friendships. It seemed when friendships required too much work (often someone moved), he just dropped the person, even if the other person was reaching out and trying to maintain the friendship (he couldn't be bothered to even email or phone back). It required more work than he was interested in and he moved on to building new, more convenient friends. This blew me away as I have some friends from childhood, they live all over the country now and I feel so blessed for having them in my life even if I can't see them that often. I could never imagine just throwing them away because they weren't around the corner anymore. But we were very different in that way. So when things became harder and required more work in our relationship, it shouldn't have been as much of a surprise to me as it was because I'd seen him do similar things in friendships. I just had my blinders on, so I couldn't see that part of his character clearly.

Now, I'm working on figuring out how to better heal those deep needs and fill in those blind spots. I think this is oftentimes what Veronica refers to as being the best YOU. When you're more complete and whole, you won't be so susceptible to blind spots. You can more truly see other people because you better understand yourself and what you need and want. And, I truly believe, that you'll attract someone similarly situated. Instead of two broken people fitting together well in their brokenness and using each other as crutches and filling in each other's holes, you'll be two more whole people supporting, encouraging and complementing each other, walking down life's path hand in hand.

Pursy--I'm glad sharing my experience helps you. When I went through it (3 years ago), I didn't have any friends or family members that had been through something similar. It was really isolating and made me feel very alone, so I can totally relate to what you said about that. Just know that you're not alone and the best times are still ahead of you. In a few years, you'll be amazed by how much you've grown and how your life has changed, and you may even be grateful for these experiences, even though they are very hard. There is this great quote by Jung that I love that I think speaks to this --- "The greatest and most important problems of life are all fundamentally insoluble. They can never be solved but only outgrown." You'll outgrow this and be even more amazing than you already are!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

;)


melbel profile image

melbel 6 years ago from New Buffalo, Michigan

I submit that you cannot! I often wonder if it's possible to be friends with the opposite sex (not including homosexual members of the opposite sex) without either party experiencing some sort of thoughts or feelings.


SShadow 6 years ago

I thought it was very possible, however until they find that next person that meets every expectation of you, and that person has a little more to offer, they will be gone forever. I saw my EX (now "Friend") the other night, and she told me to leave her alone. She said I was worth a million dollars to her, but now she's interested in being with someone worth a little more then a million dollars. She told me that she met someone and there really isn't anything more for me to offer. Back to square one...I'm left picking up the pieces. Now I have no one. Is losing the friend even harder? She basically eased out the relationship for six months...then broke the friendship. She is dead to me now, and from now on I will tell people that she died.


Sarah 6 years ago

Sometimes I wonder if it is possible... my boyfriend and I ended a 6 month relationship about a month ago (he broke up with me, I know that 6 months doesn't sound like a long time, but we both thought it would last forever, so we were very very close). We go to the same college and tried hanging out in the mornings but I couldn't handle it so how he's in another building and leaving me alone. He says he wants to keep our friendship alive so that we can potentially salvage our relationship (he's not making any promises though) but I still feel so angry and hurt, even after a month of being apart. I want to be friends so that we might be able to fix this but I don't want to end up hurt again.


nice article 6 years ago

nice article but i believe that once the break up has been initiated, time and space for both parties are needed before they can work towards building their friendship on new terms.


KMC 6 years ago

I don't think it's possible to be friends with my ex. He broke up with me because in the past whenever something serious would come of the relationship he's get cold feet and basically was a commitment phobic. We were together for a while, and during that time he was amazing and led me believing that it would last and work out. It started getting serious and I guess he just knew himself and realized that he wouldn't be able to commit. So now it's over he wants to be my friend. But how am I suppose to remain his friend when I know he's going to flirt with me, want sex, spend Friday nights with me... And so on. Also the fact - he's going to start seeing a new girl eventually isn't he. Why would I want to put myself through something I could potentially still be? He says I’m amazing, that any guy that gets to date me is lucky and he will be jealous, I'm everything he'd ever ask for - but he's scared of commitment. It's kind of insulting to be honest. So basically the only options are to date and commit because we have that emotional and personal connection or just have no contact at all - and he doesn't think that’s fair... I see where he is coming from... but what am I to do? HONESTLY?


Aida 6 years ago

I'm going through a hard time now trying to move on but i cant....i know him as through his family for more than 10 years and the last 3 years we used 2 be a good and close frinedi used 2 have a boyfrined and he used 2 have a girl frined we used 2 tell each other everything but then sunddely we i broke up with my bf after to many problems...and he was about to get married to his gf but she dumped him in the last few months...so they broke up.....after i borke up with my bf and he broke up with his gf we started to get closer to each other we start talking more through chat and msgs....and one day we were talking and he told me he likes me and hes interestin ...to be hones i used to have a feeling for him so wen he told me that it was just like dream i was so happy and from here started talking and see each other as a boyfrined and girlfrined everything was going so good we used to have a great time together i really loved him but them we stared to have some problems coz of "people" from our coummunity they start bullshiting about us which makes him ending up telling me that he just cant do it... he cant handle it and even if we keep going out and keep on going we will end up breakin up one day...i was diying when he told me this i tired so much to show him we can work this out and proveto him how much i love him and i need him but he just ddnt care he was completly selfish so we broke up 7 months agoo and we ddnt talk after the break up for about 2 weeks i cant explain the pain i went through i even went to psycologst to help me moving on...i was trying to move on and forget about him after 2 weeks of no contact at all...bt after the to weeks he start msgsing me again wen he started msgin me again i was hoping that he did realised his mistake and we mabye he wants me again i had this hope inside mee waitting for him to say he wants me back..everytime we talk he tells me how much he miss me and how much he needs me...and he asked out again and we went out again after we broke up he told me he dosnt want a relaionship again he only wants to go out adn have fun and enjoy but no commiment and no relationship thats was the first shock he was telling me thats even if we started dating again its not ganna work bt he loves to be with me....i felt so bad that the person im goin out with again he only was to have fun bt no commiment we ended up kissing and fully touching each other.after that day hi lost contact ith him about a month...i was goin through a rough time he made me feel soo worthless and so cheap and used so i promised my slef not to do it again...after 1 month of no contact he start msg me again tellin me he miss me and hes fantsise about me all day he didask me to seehim again bt everytime he ask me i say im buzzy i have things to do....everytime i say i have to get over him im not gnna contact him he bump in again and start again hes just driving me crazy i dnt even know what we are now...coz we talk to each other everyday and we see each other makin up and kissing and doin everything under name "just frineds" cant forget him, can't get over it, so i choose stay as a friend just to be close to him and with the hope we get back again. we talk and see each other and we can talk about anuything except feeling...sometimes i wish i can tell him how much i miss him and how much i love and need him by my side but i cant tell him...this situation is driving me crazy dont know what to do im trying to make my self buzzy with work and things and not to contact him but he keeps contacting me which makes it impossible for to move on....help pleaseeeee


Neil Sperling profile image

Neil Sperling 6 years ago from Port Dover Ontario Canada

To remain friends after a break up takes maturity on both sides..... it is the only outcome worth trying for that reason. It may help you grow up...... Three cheers for maturity, open communication and honesty. With those three things a part of ones character acceptance and forgiveness are possible.... with acceptance and forgiveness a mature friendship is possible. I love your writing girl.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thanks again, Neil! xo


Lindsey 6 years ago

KMC -- this is easy, and hard. The answer is easy, being able to do it is hard. You need to have no contact with your ex right now. It's simply too hard for you. You want something that he can't give you. There's no blame necessarily; you're simply incompatible with what you want in life right now. You deserve and need space to grieve and accept that loss -- the loss of what you wanted with him, your dreams together, etc. You can't do that if he's around because you'll be secretly hoping that he'll change his mind, see how great you are and give you what you want/need (i.e. commitment). Once you get past that---stop wanting it from him, then maybe you can revisit the friendship and see if there is anything to salvage. At that point, you'll both be on equal terms in being able to meet one another's needs and not want more. Right now, you're not there.

His argument about not being able to be friends as being unfair is bullshit. What he's asking from you right now---companionship, emotional support, flirting, etc.---without a commitment is not fair to you. He gets his needs met, but you don't get yours. He's not considering the effect of being friends with you, knowing you want more, will have on you. It's selfish and inconsiderate.

Let him go. Give yourself time and space to grieve the loss, heal and find your balance again. You deserve it. It will hurt, but it will hurt less in the long run and not prolong your pain (unlike a friendship immediately after a break-up will cause).


Finnja 6 years ago

I believe it is pretty much impossible to be friends with some ex-lover, as soon as some kind of profound betrayal was involved. Some ex of mine, whom I considered my best friend at the time, dumped me two weeks before I left the U.S. for good (we had discussed a long distance relationship, but were still undecided, so I thought) to date another woman. Nice! 4 months later, he was in Europe for a visit, and met me (his idea) as a friend (his words), he tried to convince me (unsuccessfully) to spend the night with him. I said no. His gf was 3 months pregnant then, he told me afterwards on the phone. I shut him out when I heard that and only answered his Skype text messages very neutrally, making it clear that I did not consider him a friend any more. Finally I removed him from Skype. He was still a 'facebook friend' though - but also no contact there. I have truly moved on, years later I am in a 'new' relationship, happy and happily pregnant. A month ago this 'old ex' wrote me a message, I should please add him on skype again. I did, I am over him and have forgiven the past. Then he texted, if we could talk on the phone. It seemed weird after such a long time, but - why not give it a trial? (After all, even before we became romantically involved, we had a great friendship and could really confide everything in one another.) He told me about his news (new job in Europe, marriage, baby boy - thanks to facebook I knew it anyways), I told him about mine (including my relationship and (planned) pregnancy - not on facebook ;-) ). He asked me if I was 'strongly commited' to the guy or if we had just both wanted a kid (?!? did this man ever KNOW me?). Though we talked in an amical, light tone, like nothing had happened since we were friends (and not yet lovers), I felt enstranged and I couldn't help thinking 'what is he up to'. I think, I can never open up to him again like before all that shit happened, always thinking he is trying to use me in some way (though - how could he?). The friendship is gone forever.


Pam 6 years ago

No. It does not work. If you try to be friends with your ex, he will make your life unbearable. He will contact all your new boyfriends, he will keep in touch with the one you marry and tell him everything you have ever said to him. He will not ever get over that you left him. He will take it out on you for the rest of your life.


Rom 6 years ago

Hi,

I came out of a 10 year relationship about a month and a half ago. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she had been unhappy for awhile, and had given up on trying to salvage the relationship. She told me she loved me, but only as a friend.

We tried at first to be friends, but it didn't work, as we still clinged to each other. We took almost a month's break from talking to each other, her feeling that I needed to get better without relying on her emotional support (I had been in the hospital for 2 weeks, unrelated to the reasons we broke up). Fair enough.

After 3 weeks we got back in touch, starting talking a bit on messengers, I added her on Facebook and she accepted, and we have been talking online ever since. Our conversations on Facebook are pretty general, and only occasionally have they lapsed into me asking for more closure, or once she messaged me giving me some reasons for why she was unhappy in the relationship. Since the break up, I have tried to be as open and understanding of how she felt as possible, even though it can be soul crushing to find out.

We no longer talk on the phone, or text, just Facebook and it feels a little one-dimensional to me. We have a lot of mutual friends, so I want to hang out with her and them and see that the relationship is clearly friends. I think this is still too awkward for her though, as she wants people to see us independently of who we were together. I know cutting contact may help, but I'm happy to be friends with her, even in this reduced capacity of messaging. I just don't know if it will lead us to be friends outside of it or just keep her satisfied that we talk in the online setting. Seeing what she's up to and that she seems happy makes me happy for her, but sad that I haven't moved on. I love her a lot as a person, but I wonder if I'm torturing myself.


Lindsey 6 years ago

Rom---personally I think you're torturing yourself and making it harder on you to move on. 10 years is a long time. The end of such a relationship, especially when you didn't want it to end is even harder. That's a big loss to grieve and accept...and to heal. As they say, marriage (or a relationship) takes two people; divorce only takes one.

I was once in your shoes and didn't want to believe it either--thinking in some twisted way that I'd rather be around him and hurt than not be around him at all. The void of him in my life seemed way scarier than the pain of being around him. But as my one friend said to me---you'll eventually see that what you are doing is essentially banging your head into a wall because you refuse to accept reality (i.e. the relationship is over). The first step is realize you're doing it---i.e. banging your head into the wall---and the next will be to want to stop banging your head into that wall. Once you really want to stop this (stop the torture), you will. But sometimes it's hard to realize that contact that causes you pain is not better than no contact at all. I wish you all the best.


Finnja 6 years ago

Rom, I feel with you. It may hurt you to read that and you may start reasoning, why in your special case it is different, but I believe the best thing you can do for yourself is to start a new life. Do new stuff where you meet new people (pick up sports or any hobby that does NOT connect you to the 'old life' for now). From my own experience, you will NOT be happy for her, when seeing, she has a new love-interest. And you will definitely NOT want to hear from her (or any friend in the circle) how great or annoying the new guy is. Either you'll feel like a loser or you'll ask yourself over and over, why the heck she's dating THAT loser. I personally wish that I had never heard my ex tell me, how lame sex with his new flame was compared to 'us' nor what great cooking skills she had (I don't like cooking). They are married now, so you see the priorities in this case ;-) . Now, years later, I can laugh about it, but a couple of weeks after being dumped and desperately holding on to the 'deep friendship' that he asked me to maintain with him, it was just pure torture and those (and other) remarks nagged on me for quite a long time and prevented me from moving on. If you don't quit contact, and create a 'new life' for yourself, it will just become more and more painful. She has given you reasons, why it didn't work for her any more. Maybe you feel, in some regards she is right - then you can use that as an inspiration to grow for your future life(not for her), maybe you feel what she said is bullshit - then forget about it. I believe, that is all the closure you can get. Don't expect anything more from her. The typical process of grieving involves that at some point you will hate her and at some point (after weeks or even months) you'll just be plain depressed. Seeing her, before you've gone through those stages and begin to let go will only prolong the grief and misery. If you happen to see her, you should of course still be civil. The ex may even search contact - like in my case, again, because you were a great listener or whatever. DON'T GO THERE. The one year no contact thing freed me, though it took me some time to cut all ties (except for facebook - still not sure if i shouldn#t have deleted him, but curiosity and peer pressure of common friends prevented me). When you've REALLY started a new chapter in your life and don't wish her back, and you still feel, the contact might be worth rekindling (for unromantic reasons), then go for it. From my experience I can say that it was not my mind, but when asked by my ex, I gave it a shot. I wish you all the best!


Lindsey 6 years ago

Rom--I couldn't agree more with Finnja. I had much the same experience she did. I too learned of good and bad things about the new love interest and they ate away at me. I too was initially thrilled about how shitty their love life was (per him), but even at the time I thought "what in the hell is he telling me this for...?"

Trying to be friends with him right afterward essentially put me in a "pause" position. I couldn't go backward because the relationship was over, but I couldn't really go forward either. Looking back on it, I believe my ex also did it to have a safety net to fall back on if the new relationship didn't work out (a year later he dumped the new love and tried to reconcile with me---even asked me to marry him).

I know it's really hard right now because she was such a big part of your life and it feels like there's a big hole where she used to be. I took be the longest time to not use his name in casual conversation---because we did so much together it was always, "When Sean and I were doing x...", "Oh there was this great time when Sean and I saw Y...". I had to actively stop myself from doing that and it was really challenging.

But as Finnja suggests, I eventually was able to start making new memories that didn't include the ex. The more time passed, the more new memories I had that were ex-free. I tried new hobbies, met new people through them (wasn't looking to date until probably a good year afterwards). I was infusing my life with new blood. You can too.

I know it's really hard and hurts like hell, but you can and will get through it. Let her go. And look to learning something new and exciting about yourself.


Rom 6 years ago

Thanks for all the advice everyone. My ex and I recently talked on Facebook, and I found out the clearer reasons she broke it off with me. It's made me even more depressed than I was before, but she also took some responsibility. I'm also looking for work right now so focusing on the relationship is particularly dangerous. I find I even wish I was non-existent sometimes. I'm dealing with a recent diagnosis of bi-polar too, which may have hurt our relationship in the final months, when it was undiagnosed. Oh well, the good and bad that I've taken from the relationship means something. I will look for the same red flags in the future before they become detrimental to the relationship's survival. Now, if I could just cut off contact...


Rom 6 years ago

How do I deal with the jealousy of not being able to hang out with her, but she's hanging out with some of my friends? I know that they won't ask me to come out if she's coming out, because it would be a surprise to her. I still ask her to the occasional concert, or what she's doing for halloween. I'm 26, meaning that we dated since we were both 17 and 18, making it hard to not want to remain friends with her since we grew up together. Being alone for the first time in my adult life makes me feel weird, but also naive.


Lindsey 6 years ago

Oh, Rom, I know it's difficult. I was with my ex through most of my college years, all of my law school years and the illness and death of my father. He was a HUGE part of my life--we'd gone through big growing years. It literally felt like I was losing a limb or something a the time.

There is no easy way to adjust; you simply do. Being out of work makes it even more complicated--I lost my job shortly after our break-up too, and it certainly was a double whammy. Two huge losses to grieve.

If you've been recently diagnosed with bi-polar, then I'm hoping that you're seeing a therapist and he/she can be a source of support during this very difficult and trying family. So are family and friends---let yourself be open to rekindling relationships with people you may have neglected or fallen away from in the past. Try new hobbies---I spent a lot of time reading, kayaking, going to the gym and painting. I found books, working out, long walks with the dog and painting to be my mental salvation. Try a yoga class or a boxing class or a pottery class. If money is so tight, consider checking out books from the library or looking into free events in your neighborhood. Also journaling may help---there is something very liberating and cathartic about being able to write down your feelings, let them out on paper/computer and they don't seem to run around your head so much anymore.

Also, try volunteering. I already was a hospice volunteer (in memory of my father)---helping and giving back to others can be such a win-win situation. You get to meet great, kind people, help out those in need and you receive so much gratitude and satisfaction from being useful. Plus it helps you appreciate all the good things in life when you help out those in need. It helps you to not focus so much on your losses of your job and girlfriend but to be grateful for all the other blessings you do have---good health, caring friends, loving family, being a smart, caring, generous man, etc. Sometimes, I find if you can try and think of those things that you are blessed with, and be grateful for them instead of focusing on those things that you lack, that in itself can help you through the hard times. Volunteer at a hospital, food shelter, animal shelter, school, etc. There are always places that need extra help, and you'll both be so grateful for it.

If nothing else, know that it does get better. I know that you're in a world of hurt right now and the world may seem very, very dark. But the sun will come out again. That I can promise you. Take it day by day, and it will get better.


Finnja 6 years ago

@ Lindsay: It's funny to hear the parallels in our stories, yeah and there was definitely a safety-net issue in the guys' kind of behaviour, and a pretty egotistic reluctance to let the ex-gf and her love go, no matter how much they had already moved on in real life...

@ Ron: being bussy, like Lindsay suggested, was also what helped me most. Change your perspective (hard, I know, but possible over time). So, your friends are doing stuff with your ex, but you are not in the picture. It hurts, but bottom line is, they probably do that, because they try to protect both you and your ex emotionally in this situation (keeping contact just makes things worse for you in the long run and can even destroy the good memories you both have). BUT: Actually, you wouldn't have time to meet with them anyway, because:

- Monday you have your e.g. indoor climbing lesson, cause your goal is to master a 5.11.c (difficulty) in a year. I am a rock climbing addict since even before. It frees my mind. Whatever you pick, ideally don't go for stuff like jogging (that goes automatically and you will not be able to ditract your mind), but something that also absorbs you mentally, while doing it, because it's just so tricky).

- Tuesday you will e.g. try a new recipe, cause you just NEED to learn cooking (highly ranked skill in the dating world, which you will reenter somewhen in the future), and you'll invite guests that you haven't seen for a long time to try out the recipe (or new friends from the climbing gym).

- Wednesday you want to stroll in the bookstore/library or make investigations in the internet, to figure out, where you would like to travel in , say, 5 years (or in 1 year, depending on your resources and life situation). And as soon as you know the country, read about it,look at the maps, try to find out how long the route that interests you would take, how much would it cost?

....

I ended up trekking in Nepal for 3 weeks a year after the break up and I loved it (it was the hell of an organizational battle, it tool me a month to really figure out what equipment and clothes I'd really need and still be able to carry in my backpack).

- or maybe for your job hunt, learning a language would be beneficial, or some other soft skills/preparation that is helpful (language-->also good for travel)...

Bottom line: Set yourself goals, and invest your time in achieving them.

You are 26 and your life with your ex probably had quite some routine, impossible that you have explored all the fullness and diversity that this world has to offer by now (impossible in a lifetime).

Particularly as you have been diagnosed bipolar, you should find someone, with whom you can discuss your plans. For with this diagnosis if medication is not working properly at some point you might have phases, where you will feel invincible - (so, you might need a guy or ideally a therapist , who will stop you, when you plan to swim from Boston to London ;-) - A cousin of mine has the same diagnosis as you, and he is very energetic at times, but sometimes too much so...).

One recommendation: if you cannot quit all contact, atleast don't ever initiate any contact (not even on fb). Why would you? You have your own life! And make a point in checking facebook only once a week.

It may be hard at first, but make yourself clear that there is a world around you that has great surprises and experiences to offer - being on your own and free now gives you the possibility to explore it!


withered away 6 years ago

I just got out of a relationship 2 days ago and it really sucks... i'm in high school and me and my gf went out for nearly 6 months but in that time i felt like i fell in love... she told me she has a crush on someone else and doesn't love me anymore and just wants to be friends! the next day i was alright with it and i even laughed and smiled at something while she was around but today, i just fell apart. I had to go home because i was about to cry in my class... It hurt so much when she told me she liked someone else so i was the one who broke it off. She keeps trying to contact me and I don't want to have to depend on her to make me feel better and I don't want to have to need her but I just can't forget about what she means to me and I want there to be a chance that she will take me back... In some ways, it feels like she still loves me but I don't really know what to believe. Can anyone help me?


Clear Now 6 years ago

I recently decided to split with my girlfriend of four, turbulent years.

She thinks that its childish and immature to not want to be friends. My view is it's not fair to have such baggage (i.e. past flames as friends) when I next get into a relationship (not that I'm going to rush into one anytime soon - I need time first).

I also think, that if I ended it because of how she used to talk to me, and belittle me, ignore my feelings; why on earth would I want such an individual for a friend?

I've told her that we will remain friends, but only just to make things easier whilst we are still living together. I think her reasoning for why we shouldn't stay friends is enough of a reminder for why I split in the first place.


Elle 6 years ago

I haven't read all the posts so i don't know if this has been addressed already, but how should this friendship between exes be interpreted by the ex's current relationship partner? i have been with my boyfriend for nearly 9 years but he has continued a casual relationship with his ex-girlfriend that he broke up with right before me. recently i discovered email correspondence while i was in another state going to school. none of it overtly romantic--just mainly sentimental. admittedly the contact is minimal and largely superficial, although I suspect she wishes it to be romantic again. I know he does not want to leave me and we are happy together, but it still bothers me that he thinks about her so often over the course of our long relationship. when i have told him in the past how i felt about his contact he told me that he will not stop corresponding with her and that my fears are ungrounded and that basically i am being insecure. i don't have a way to assess this situation properly because i have never been in a romantic relationship with anyone else but my current partner. i understand you can still care and love someone after a breakup and this should not reflect badly on your current relationship--but i guess i wonder what he is looking for or why he is wanting this friendship even at the expense of my discomfort.


Rom 6 years ago

Well, after being 'friends' on facebook for a month or so, my ex suddenly removed me. I asked her why, and she said she had started to see other people. She said that I didn't know them, and that it would be better for me this way. She's probably right, seeing them together would hurt. I have friends that are still in touch with her, if I get morbidly curious, but that's just torture. I understand it's probably best for her too, not having to explain to her boyfriend who her ex is and why she still talks to me. It now finally feels like it's over, and I can't tell if I'm relieved or even more down. Before this change we had even talked about hanging out sometime, and she said "why not?", this new relationship renders that all obsolete of course.


CompletelyLost 6 years ago

My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago now. We had an absolutely great relationship, we started discussing buying possibly buying a house because its cheaper than renting with todays economy and that triggered her to start putting distance between us even though she'd already been staying with my current roommate and I for half a year and we had zero issues during that time. She initially told me that she wasnt ready to break it off but that it may need to end at some point because she needed to be single and just spend some time on her. My response was well if it doesnt matter how great I am or how good I am to you, what incentive do I have to stay? So i pushed her away and she pushed very hard for friendship, and we stayed together for a rocky month or so until it came to an end. She had only been with one guy before me(sexually) and left him for me. She's 22 and I'm 28 and on top of that she grew up very sheltered so we're in different places in life even though everything else is exactly what my idea of a perfect relationship should be. Her and I have have an amazing time together, enjoy all the same things and literally everything we do together is fun(even going to the dmv haha), there is so much chemistry and if anything we've become closer and closer since we've broken up. She has a new bf now but its a long distance relationship, which is likely comforting for her because she has her space. One of the biggest reasons for the break up is she felt she needed to date other people... I can understand, you need something to compare it to and if you're questioning "how do I know" then you need to go find out. It's been very hard since we broke up since we work together so I have to see her a lot... it tore me up so much for a while but I've come to deal with it and we're doing fine. We still hang out and still have such a great time together. I started seeing a new girl about a month ago, shes great but I constantly find myself wishing it were my ex so out of fairness to her I think I need to end it. I have been juggling the idea that my ex and I should cut communication so she can go find herself but she's such a great person that there's a void without her... I made the mistake of telling her a couple times I wasnt sure if we should keep talking and its damaged our friendship a little because I wasnt sure what I needed to do. I love this girl with all my heart, all i want is for her to be happy... if another guy can make her happier then in my eyes he deserves her. It's not hard to be around her, its not awkward at all but I think its cause the new guy is long distance so we're not really fighting for her time. At first we were still fooling around but that has subsided since she's been with this other guy. So the hard part isnt hanging out with her, it's knowing that it may take a very long time(if ever) for her to figure out what it is she wants. It's not that I am incapable of moving on, I simply don't desire to. I've spent plenty of time being intentionally single and dated plenty so I know what I want, and it's her. I realize that she's just starting that journey and it's going to take considerable time. She's made it a point to tell me numerous times that she wants nothing but to be my friend(which hurts unbelievably bad) but I am unsure if thats just to get me to give up on the idea of a relationship so that our friendship remains intact or if she sincerely means it. The biggest concern I have is when she starts seeing someone in town... I don't know how I'm going to take that. I'm not a jealous person at all but I find myself a little jealous now that we're not together, but maybe it's not jealousy and it's just me being touchy with the fresh wound. I feel like this situation is so very unique, maybe you wont agree being on the outside of the situation... any insight would be greatly appreciated.


Anonymous 6 years ago

BUt the big question is why the heck in the world you would want to be friends with an ex, Specially if you are the one who is dumped, i would say lift your self respect and say good bye for ever..than being humiliated by your ex.. I mean come on "Friends', So lets look at it now, first why breakup with me making me realize that iam not worth a crap, over that you offer me your friend ship as a consolation..


Anotherex 5 years ago

@CompletelyLost I think you should try to put your own feelings first. You're contemplating too much about her motives for staying friends. What matters is that you are seeing other people and you can't hit anything off with someone new because you keep comparing them to your ex. You're obviously still very much in love with her and right now you can probably deal with that since she's in a long distance relationship which is not very confronting. But what if she hits something closer to home. I might not know you, but the way you are talking about her makes me almost positive that that's going to be something which will devastate you. And it might come to a point where you have to choose between being able to cope with the situation or staying friends. Don't let it get that far.

If I were you, I'd take some distance. Even more, I'd first be completely honest to her about everything. So she'll know why. Tell her that you still have feelings for her and that you have trouble finding someone else. At the very best, there'll be a blue moon and she'll return the feelings, but that seems unlikely when she's already established multiple times she wants to be just friends. If she does end up reminding you off that, don't leave it at those revelations because that might put your friendship under pressure for no cause. Just add that you find your friendship with hers incredibly important and for the sake of that you're going to have to take your distance for a while until those emotions blow over so you can return as a better friend as ever once you do get past that threshold. Love doesn't always wait, but friendship does. That would seem fairest from a neutral point of view. If you can't get yourself to do that at least try to realize how much you're putting at stake for that small chance of secretly becoming more once again.

Ironically I'm in a comparable situation so I'm playing devil's advocate here really. But I'll elaborate in the next post.


jay 5 years ago

I've read this entire discussion and gained a lot and agreed with a lot :) but can I ask for some advice for me..we were together for 27 years,best friends,lovers,close as two could be,..he was in a band and this took up a fair bit of time,along with work,..we both liked time to ourselves ..but maybe we had too much . we rarely talked about our feelings,we rarely confronted/shouted..we just bottled up ..when our second child was 2 I said to him you don't love me anymore do you he said those fatal words 'I do but not in that way' that was in 1995,we continued together till 2002..great parents,great homebuliders,companions..but nil couple in love,doing things socially together,being intimate etc. He used to smoke the odd joint ,maybe one or two a day,but over those 7 years I noticed this ahd increased dramactically. I said in a hoping playful way'we'll ahve to do something about our sex life' he would say'we will,but its not that important' consequently we didnt..then i found him looking at porno sites..that killed the woman in me,here i was right in front of him,but he didnt want me ,he'd rather look at them!! Yes that hurt. Anyway in 2002 enough was enough I couldn't do it any longer,I'd lost rspect for him,I iniatiated a seperation..I got emailing with a chap I had sold something too,he made me feel all woman,some one was interested in me,my thoughts,my dreams..we met at his place in New York !! lol ..he was married and they both had invited me over,,it was my first flight at 40 years lol..he made me feel loved and loving again..he opened me up and I felt wonderful..obviously we werent sexual ..just a very warm/close friendship . Any way after ex and i seperated we stayed friends,I was strong then as i didnt have any feelings of 'in ,love' for him,he'd killed that..so i helped in move, we chatted , he did jobs for me..all was ok. then 2 years later he came round one night on the wya to a gig to give me my money..he walked in and all my old feelings for came flooding back..I loved him,he was no longer stoned, he was in the here and now,eyes bright smiling , just like when we first met.Well since then I have hoped and hoped we would get back together,I ahve been there for him,as he has for me,only for him it has been as a 'friend' whereas in my silly little head there's been this bit of hope all along. And yes I have paid the price. We did divorce in 2006, as i hoped this would finally make him fall back in love with me lol..yes I know. Anyway ,he has now met a new lady and i truly beileve it is something special for him..so as much as I do not want to loose a frined i have known for 34 years,neither do i want to keep putting myself through pain and holding myself back from moving forward( i have been on dates but know my heart is not over hy ex so never go any further)I don't know if I really want to stop all contact,but feel it may be the only way at least for a while..so if i do should i tell him or just withdraw slowly..we have two sons who both live with me and have been used to tehir dad dropping in,how do i deal with that(i know they are grown up now but thsi is their home too). My ex is a good person,a decent human being..he just went of me in that way,he still cares and ahs a love for ..recently he has supported through my mothers death,he is a good friend..I want to get to the point where I can see him and talk with him and not feel like we should be back together..any help would be appreciated. thanks


Finja 5 years ago

ok, I felt pretty zen about accepting the contact request I got 2 months ago from my ex from years ago (he now married with kid, I am in a happy relationship, with a baby 'on board') (see my posts 2 months ago)- but I guess I don't really get it. the ex contacts me every couple of weeks and we text-chat about superficial stuff. today it turned personal. it started when I told him, a common friend had a new woman in his life. He asked if I found her pretty and when I said yes, he started joking about our different tastes in women (a running gag from our old pre-dating friends days, when he called girls I found pretty boring and unsexy, and I called the type of girls he found interesting a bit vulgar). And suddenly he was like: 'well if I'm a guy who falls for vulgar girls, what are - or I should say - what were you then?' I answered: 'the closest available opportunity at that time'. He: 'you are an idiot. well, I think you just put it into that light to be able to cope with it more easily' I: I really don't think it makes sense to discuss that old stuff.'

What? I mean, I am positive that I would have 'coped' much more easily back then, if I had not felt THAT easily disposable. That WAS hard to forgive and let go. A more ordered, respectful breakup would have been easier i am sure, and I would NOT have felt like he was only with me because i was there. But I have let it go,and I wouldn't even have brought it up if the conversation hadn't turned so awkward.

I don't know, it kind of felt like he gets a kick out of the idea that I still pine over him or something.

I'm ok with superficial chatting but I don't like his allusions regarding the old dating-days. Or am I being hyper-sensitive?


Finnja 5 years ago

@jay: hm, I think the best you can do is tell him that you are hapy for him regarding hid new relationship but at the same time it makes you sad, cause it reminds you that you are still alone, so you'd like him to give you space for a while so you can build your own life without pressure and sad reminders. He can meet the kids outside the house (like fetch them by car and dropp them off).

The other thing, and I feel it often comes up in this thread: many of you are so insanely condoning - and this I think happens, when one is still FAR too much involved/in love/in hope for building a pure friendship. ok, jay, he's been supporting you in hard times. But, I mean, he is still the man who looked at porn INSTEAD of touching you and who wouldn't 'clean up' (get less stoned) to (re)build a life with you, but apparently he would for someone else. In a way, he stole YEARS of your life. Maybe not on purpose, but still. He did not appreciate you as he should have and he made some fundamental choices and these were not in your favor. Period. I don't say this should never be forgiven, but first of all, it should be faced. A realistic view of things is simply required in order to stop yearning for the ex (or actually the phantasy of what he almost could have been) and move on. I believe that the at some point necessary, honest, open eyed forgiveness is somewhat more distanced, like: 'You are a nice decent guy and great father and if you like porn, that's fine, it's how you are, but, man, am I glad I don't have to deal with it any more in MY life'.

Just my opinion. Good luck jay.


SShadow 5 years ago

IMPOSSIBLE...

Even when your "best friend" feels the need to ask her out right in front of you. Holidays rank right up there with break-ups. It does not work. I felt like it was going to work. Everything would be fine...nope. Still not right with the whole thing. Can this year be over please?


J-man 5 years ago

Very nice reading these posts kinda gives me an in depth understanding into why I'm feeling like I do....

In a nutshell my story goes like this met a girl while on holiday and she took my breath away, really thought thos would be the girl I marry one day as she was perfect!!! We chatted for the last 8 months practically daily and phoned her sometimes twice a day and time we spent together we would lie and kiss till the sun came up, there was no sex as I really wanted to save that day for when we marry Anyway where things began to go pear shaped is when I started to question her loyalty as there is a 10 year age gap between us and her parents think I'm too old for her, so technically it began to feel like this was more of an adrenalin rush for her than actually being a relationship, after discussing this with her several times she decided she doesn't want me but would prefer to be friends... Really hurt a lot and I agreed however when there are unresolved feelings on the one part I think it's destined to fail due to disbelief and false hope, so I tried chatting to her as a friend to the point we were comfortable discussing our feelings, I have made it clear exactly how I feel about her and she seems to avoid the matter, of late she seems to be very distracted when we chat or off towards me or sometimes just short 2 word answers, she is a phenomenal person and a gem to be with due to that infectious laugh so it hurts to know I am unable to be with her and the thought of her being kissed or touched by another guy kills me but have realised that's beyond my control, so I have decided to stop initiating any contact with her and should she not contact me then so be it... At worst with every passing day I seem to be getting stronger as with time all pain heals...

Perhaps one day she will miss what we had perhaps not but spose that's what being human is all about, either way she will always be special to me and will always love her , I am glad I got to tell her my inner feelings as it feels like I've had closure knowing I've been honest about the way I feel so here's to better times... One thing to remember is in nearly every relationship I've had which isn't many is that everyone has been better than the previous so it gives me hope to know there is still that one special person out there for me makes it just that easier to accept failure and try again.... U will probably never find someone with the same traits u loved about ur ex but I am sure u will find new ones that will fill all the gaps, remember believe ur special and worth something so never let n e one tell you different......


hmmm12 5 years ago

great article, and great comments to follow, thanks very much Veronica. I had a three year relationship with my ex, she cheated on me (long term) on two separate occasions throughout the relationship, it broke down a few times, but we always ended up back together. After moving in with her when we both went to the same university I very quickly realised I needed some space and to be allowed to do my own thing (which unfortunately at the time resulted in me turning to drugs), so I broke it off with her extremely abruptly. Over the next two years I became a complete mess. I sunk deeper into my hole, constantly regretting ever breaking up with her despite everyone around me telling me I could do better. It has now been nearly 4 years and I have not had a girlfriend since, which I put primarily down to the fact that I cant find anyone who matches up to her in my estimations (and in a very vain and shallow way a lot of this is due to the fact that she was unbelievably attractive). Throughout the past four years there have been several occasions when one or the other of us has messaged the other to see how they were doing, we end up talking for a while, briefly catching up, but this always ends up with her choosing one day out of the blue to start ignoring me. After four years I still cant get this girl out of my head, and as I write this I am in day two of being ignore having spoken to her constantly for the week prior to this. I still hold some hope that one day we will get back together, and in our conversations last week we agreed to meet up next month for a catch up, which judging on several occasions in the past I think she is unlikely to follow through on. On my part when I speak to her it feels like I am literally just checking she is ok, however I worry that I am hiding from myself the fact that I cant get over her. Am I just tricking myself and leading myself down a path of self destruction? I sometimes get the feeling my ex is actually just a bit nasty (something all of my friends tell me on a regular basis) and that she is consciously stringing me along to make herself feel better. Anyway back to point of can you stay friends; I like to think yes, but in practicality I am finding it extremely difficult. 50% of me tells me I just want to be her friend because I had we had a lot in common and got along so well (she was my best friend), but the other 50% tells me I just dont want to let go. Since it has been four years, and on that basis this probably all sounds a bit pathetic, I think maybe it is just time for me to accept it will never happen! however I have tried this before and it always inevitably leads back to the same situation, is this fate telling me I should put all my effort in to attempting to get her back (if only to cement the fact that we can never be succesful together)......who knows???


Erika2 5 years ago

Hi,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. I didn't call it off becuse I don't love him anymore, I did it because I don't feel the love and affection. I think he just didn't have the guts to leave me. After the break up, we talked and he said he was just tired of being in a relationship. He says he still cares for me a lot, and is interested in me. He basically said he wanted to be friends. I truly love him and feel that I can't be his friend, at least not yet. Ultimately I would like to be back with him. I'm afraid if I accept to be his friend, that is all we will ever be. But what if I refuse to be his friend and ruin my chances of getting back together? Sigh.... I just don't know what to do :( maybe it's too soon to tell? We broke up on Christmas and had this talk last Friday (about two weeks after the break up)... Help!!!


nodame5 5 years ago

My boyfriend dumped me about 2 weeks ago. Even though he dumped me, I think what is hurting me more is that he says he is my friend but friends don't avoid each other. I still like him very much, but I think in only a friend way. I want us to be good friends but he needs to man up and stop feeling all mopey. I'm the one who was dumped, why the hell is he depressed.


ForeverYong 5 years ago

I really enjoyed this article. It help me a lot through with my recent break up. Yes, I know I'm a kid and i don't know what love is but hey i'm young so what haha.

I say you can be friends after a break-up it just depends on how it ended and how it started.

But here's the thing, My ex-girlfriend/good-friend, she was everything i was looking for in someone, with a few extra attachments that annoyed me sometimes. We got together after a extremely emotional break-up (Hard to get over someone when you see their face and memories everyday)Well anyways back on track, its like she had all these traits and i liked her but i didn't actually like her. and i would never spend time with them, or put forth effort in the relationship. It was as if the relationship was over before it started. In a way i like/loved/cared about her more before then i did going out with her. So i let her go. And yes, she was hurt devastated you could say. I was relived, finally i could get some-ME-time. Its been a couple weeks since we've broken up and SHE said herself SHE wanted to be friends.

But she treats me like crap, and talks to my friends and not me (especially my best-friend i know they talk shit) and I want to be friends with her, she was a great friend that's for sure and now i lost that friendship for a chance to find love, and it ended up exploding in my face. I want to be the mature one here, i know i hurt her, and but what can i do? I don't want to lie to her! WHICH I NEVER HAVE (this is the first person i actually never lied to -____-)

Theres must be something i'm not seeing here!

And i want to see it! I don't care if you call me cold-hearted, a bitch, whatever! I just want to know how to make things how they use to be. I hate having this guilt/regret on my head 24/7.


d friends 5 years ago

I am happy if we stayed friends


teresalh 5 years ago

Well i think we should summarise this thread !

Best not to stay friends unless children are involved ! x


SSh 5 years ago

@hmmm12: You need to get out and get far. Thats as direct as I can be. Cut all contact with her and believe me that the longer you stay away from her, the better you will feel. It never goes way completely, it never will. Why not make a list of things you hate in her? Include the cheating part and underline it. Do you see a reason why she would not do it again, should she come back to you for once?

Its a cycle and the only person who can break this cycle is you. Get help from a friend may be, if you have someone you can trust. In my case deleting her number helped me a lot, so i didnt try to make contact during my weak moments. Mean however it might sound, next time she calls you, just try ignoring it, I can tell you it will make you feel like a winner again :)


Janettebilly 5 years ago

hi wazz up you all me my exxbff i love him sosos much that time i give him ever thing that time a nice home gmc and what ever him aks for that like sososo i love him i give him an thing man then him take off on me with my sis i was dumm i go get him i wish i naver go to them at here home it was dumm then him come home i was happy but ya i naver get mad


Heather 5 years ago

I'll tell you what someone very wise told me.....STOP IT! It was a hard message to hear but it was a different perspective I needed. The fact is there are 6.8 billion people in this world. You've fell in love before and you will again. Don't make your life too difficult by holding on to the past. It's the past for a reason. Move on and look to the future. Frankly, it's the best advice I've ever had. I was tortured for 1.5 years. After I "STOPPED IT". I was finally free to heal, move on and be in a new successful relationship.


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lashannon 5 years ago

I have not been able to be friends with my exes simply because there was too much hurt and pain in the relationships. But I am thankful I'm not friends with them because I've been able to move on. I've cleared out my life of past relationships to fully devote time and energy into my current relationship and I couldn't be happier. Great article!


dagnabbitt 5 years ago

I think it's safe to say that in MOST cases, it's probably best off for exes not to be "friends." You don't have to be enemies, of course. But I think most break-ups are too painful or aggravating to evolve into friendships. Feelings were or are there. The feelings may not completely go away and that usually is what creates future problems. After all, when you break up and move on, do you think your new partner wants your ex still calling you or wanting to go out? AWKWARD. That is what I think it all boils down to. AWKWARD. I rarely if ever talk to my exes. Some were decent breakups but some were just good riddance. In either case, I wish them all well. And I wish it from afar. Life goes on and I think it's best to not bring the exes with me. And I think this is especially true for people who cheat. If you cheat on your spouse, DO NOT - REPEAT - DO NOT attempt to keep around your "friend" that you cheated with. You can't be friends with someone you cheated with behind your spouse's back. Trust me on this: it is WRONG and it will NOT work. You will only succeed in hurting your spouse even more deeply than cheating. And you will put yourself through anguish and guilt. So in my educated opinion, some kinds of exes simply do NOT make friends. It is hard and weird to try being friends with someone who was more than just a friend. Someone who has seen you naked, tasted your "goodies," heard your orgasm voice, and knows your emotions too closely is not someone who would become a platonic friend. Also, in abusive relationships, I don't think you could become friends, either. I think it's best to try sticking with relationship if you know you've got someone really special and ignore the temptations that might be out there. This way, the love you have won't be put on the rejected shelf and become an ex. So far, all of my wife's exes have looked her up and wanted to know if she had any feelings left for them. One of them kept calling our house and asked her if she kept their old love letters and if there was any feelings left. This ex drove up to sneak a visit behind his girlfriend's back. My wife's ex behaved inappropriately during this meeting and made it a point to tell me what "freak" my wife can be sexually. NICE. So for those of you who don't have these problems with your exes - wonderful. But your results are not typical, and I say it's generally a bad idea to try being friends with exes unless it is like hello, how are you, and goodbye. No hanging out, no chatting online or messaging or being close. A XMas card is about all I'd say is okay. IF THAT.


LikeItIs 5 years ago

Fuck friendship. You date and if it's really done, then take the time to move on. Exes don't make good friends. Someone always wants more and it makes a mess of things for someone. Wanna have friends?? FIND SOMEONE WHO HASN'T BEEN IN YOUR PANTIES, AIN'T GONNA EVER BE IN YER PANTIES, AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET WITH THEM, EITHER!


gerry 5 years ago

dated a lady 4 monthhs and had high hopes but it all ended blindsidedly,I helped in everyway I could she was in troubled times.Being the overly jealous,contolling type one day she decided it wasn't working out and accused me of something out of the ordinary. I know she needs physological help but I would like her to know I really care about her. She really believes her own lies and There's no way of my convincing her.I guess I should stay away because she might be dangerous. I have tried to get her to listen to the truth but she insist I need help.


Patty 5 years ago

I cannot understand this at all. My ex (divorced him in 2003) has moved back into my house. I received a call from him new years day and he was desperate to move out from his g/friends house as she attacked him, I have always loved my ex but never voiced it. We have had contact over the last 8 or so years but only once twice a year maybe, but each contact we have had I have always felt as if I wanted him back. I am not over him. anyway to cut a long story short he is a lodger in my home and there has been no physical contact whatsoever between us. His g/f keeps phoning/texing him and he runs upstairs - this bothers me and I have never said anything, I know and understand he has to sort things out with her etc...but the other night we were watching a film and she phoned, again he ran upstairs, but this time I went to bed, i was upset. The next morning he asked had he done something to wind me up, i said no its me being jealous...anyway later that night I said I still have feelings for him and I was so shocked at his response I nearly fell on to floor...he said he will never feel like that again about me and never will!!! Talk about blunt and to the point, I replied "wow rejection in the highest form , cheers!" problem is he wants to be friends and has suggested he moved out, I said at the time its my problem to deal with and he didnt have to move out....but now I have to face him tonight and I feel such an idiot for opening my mouth and upset that he hadn't considered my feelings with his comments last night? Dont know what to do as I feel used and very very upset...I have not been able to date any since my divorce in 2002/3 -he cheated on me- thats the reason for my divorce. Any comments appreciated as I am going downhill fast and I am scared.


cobra 5 years ago

this relationship is very difficult especially if you still love your ex bf. we broke up because he wanted to have freedom. i never knew that our relationship long relationship has been very enduring. he's been used to be free, and his relationships with the women before me were just for a short time. i loved him so much and hoped that he will marry me sometime, though he repeatedly said that he will remain single. We are now "good" friends for almost 6 years now, but i cannot tell him that I am suffering about this situation. I still love him, and i cannot understand until now why he still would like to go out with me, be there during family celebrations. Everything didn't change except our intimate relationship. He had his women, and he didn't want it that i will know about that. It hurts me. I am absolutely jealous. But I don't show to him how I really feel. I wish I could tell him that I do not want to be his friend. My life does not move on.

You are right. The wounds of the separation must be healed first before accepting him as a friend.

Thank you for this good idea.


LikeItIs 5 years ago

Goes to show that some people just will not make good friends no matter how much you want it to work out. When you are married, you don't flirt with friends and talk sexual with them, make out with friends and you certainly don't get married and then cheat and try to be friends with the person you cheated with behind your spouse's back. Just ain't ever gonna work. Some people just will not be real true friend material.

And yes, I know what it's like to be with someone who needs psychological help and accuses you of things you're NOT doing and there is no convincing them otherwise. It is really sad when someone else really needs help and they don't or cannot see it, and they trash a relationship because they have convinced themselves of something that's untrue. It may be paranoia, schizophrenia or lord knows what. A trip to the psychiatrist and some meds could have saved some relationships in this world, I know.


Amijay 5 years ago

Very illumminating threads, I am like everyone else looking for answers too. Sometimes when you are so close to something it is impossible to be objective. Common sense would dictate that if a partner/boyfriend finishes it with you for whatever reason, and does not make any noises to work at it. Then they obviously want to move on, or do not have the capacity to deal with the break up.

I like many of you was in a relationship for 8 years, stupidly happy, and completley shocked to be dumped whilst holidaying in Japan. An hour before l was due to leave the country. No matter what won't kill you will make you stronger. I took it hard and severed all contact from him. Decided l needed time to heal, two years had passed but l still had feelings for him. Was celibate for the two years, keeping myself super busy. I guess trying to get over him, but hey l have realised l will never get over him. He was and is up to this point the Love of my life. I really missed our friendship, he was my best mate. So l decided after two years maybe it would be cool to see how he is doing, and let him know how i'm doing. It's been five months, we email each other things were doing and it feels great to have that bond back.

We have never discussed the break-up or asked each other personal things. I look forward to his emails but play it really cool. I have realised that this contact is actually not healthy for my well being, l still want him. And am deluding myself thinking he wants me too, l need to move on, or pluck up the courageto come clean to him.

I forgave him for ending our relationship, but while we email each other, all l think about is getting back with him. I want to tell him to stop emailing, cos l cannot handle it anymore, but it's also addictive.

Why is he emailing me, we talk about our interests but nothing about our past relationship. I am not entirely sure how to play this one, l also do not want to open sore wounds. Luckilly we are in different countries, otherwise l would of made a fool out of myself by now.

Can anyone shed light on how the male mind interprets behaviour?!

Great Post!


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Shelvajay 5 years ago from If You Know Me Personally, You Know Where I Am...

This was a great Hub. This further fortifies for me why me and an ex can never be friends. We were not friends to begin with!!!!! I have another ex who will be my friend to the end, because most of the positive things that you have Hubbed about here, we did them to the Letter! Thanks for sharing!


Agent 5 years ago

I think friendship is possible, but there must be honesty from both sides and a mutual understanding.

The last woman in my life broke my heart pretty badly. Her and her family are convinced we'll still be friends...I was open to it as well. Once I had some time to get over it, I realized I didn't want to be her friend. We'd been friends beforehand, but her handling of the situation demonstrated a severe lack of respect on her part. I also realized she'd been holding some very long term grudges and resentment over some very minor things. She claimed we always argued (we actually didn't), though she never made any attempt to work with me to get around the problem - to me, this wasn't a sign of respect (for me or the relationship) either.

She thinks this is acceptable as friends, but not as a couple. I think that's kind of insane, as it's not acceptable to me from anyone - whether you're a friend or girlfriend. I couldn't be friends with someone that pretends everything is alright in front of your face, but is secretly stewing over a misunderstanding that could've been easily rectified on the spot or soon after.

The issues that cause the breakup of a romantic relationship often overlap into friendship, which is one of the reasons remaining friends can be so difficult.


Jazzy 5 years ago

I met my ex online and at the time he was dealing with the break up with his ex... she broke up with him, because she couldn't handle his lifestyle... during this process and I was there for him.. Let's just say I picked him up from depression and helped him overcome it...he went through some harsh stuff when he lost his best friend while we were together and once again I was there when he needed me...I went out with my x for 7months and everything was great until he started being friends with his ex again and she wouldn't respect the fact I was his new gf, she would always call him what she used to call him when they were together and I love you here and there and he would say it back. I thought it was disrespectful and so many times I asked him if he had feelings toward her and he would deny it.. In the end it affected me, because I became jealous and that is not how i normally am, sometimes I would give him space when he needed it... toward the end he changed with me and wasnt the same. out communication diminished to the point she started getting involved in his social life even more, so I couldn't handle it and i broke it off.. as much as I loved him I couldn't be with someone who was not willing to give me my place in the relationship.. we tried being friends after the break up, but it didn't work.. I became jealous more and more of her to the point I wasnt healthy. I wouldn't eat or sleep, lost total control of my life, because I still cared for him and seeing him be friends with her really hurt me emotionally.. so i cut off all ties with him.. when he asked what was wrong and still called me babe I wasnt happy about that so I sadi to please stop calling me that.. it apparently pissed him off to a point he acted like it was funny (i know he wasnt used to an ex telling him to stop doing that) so i told him not to ever contact me. As much as I still love him i think it's best we do not have any contact at all.. apparently someone started making comments to him and her if they were still together and they denied it, but it's obvious they still tell each other love you here and there... I am really hurt and wish we could have been friends, but the fact that his ex would always intrude didn't allow me to be myself around him... i still had hopes we would one day get back together but that seemed nearly impossible.. I miss him like crazy but in the end I think I made a good decision by cutting all ties... He is upset about my decision because he is not used to his ex's cutting him completely off and i did... perhaps i thought him a lesson I will never know, but I wish him the best... some can become friends, just not me...


chrissy 5 years ago

it is ok


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GrahamReviews 5 years ago from UK

Wow this was mind blowing!

I don't have any ex girlfriends but know someone who keeps all his Ex's a close friends.

Grahman.


nolove48 5 years ago

well me an my ex was together for 5 months we broke up because of a question i ask? he started yelling and cursing, which i never disrespect him, so i never called or text him again it hurts like hell i was there 100%, yes he calls me his special lady, but he hurt me, he didn't call me or text me, after that disagreement,he contact me 10 months later,he contact me on the same social network that the only way he can contact me after 5 months i change my cell number, i wish i never told him or add him and i should had deleted him from my page but i didn't, he ask me to help him with the basic programs of the PC, I want to be his friend but reading this post, i still have feeling for him, but he tells me he was just thinking about the good times we use to have when i use to come over on the weekend, I just can't go it more he not saying why he want me to come over


janellelk 5 years ago

I wanted to thank you for this hub and all of the comments as well. Break ups are incredibly painful and I'm so glad there are resources like this that lay things out objectively and kindly.


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Veronica 5 years ago from NY Author

Thanks again janellelk. Your thoughtful comments meant alot to me today. You inspire me.


Andy 5 years ago

Im quite happy to say that my ex is now my best friend, and I'm thankful for it.


Sparrow 5 years ago

My mum and dad divorced in 1974. Their marriage was awful and the divorce was very messy. However, over the years they grew back together and outwardly appeared good friends and lived just a 20 min walk from each other. They saw each other most days. Dad died a year ago and it became quite obvious that during his illness and the extent of my mum's grief following his death that they were still very much in love. Just could not live together. Now my wife told me two months ago she wants a divorce because of my irritable nature and irrational outbursts. I had caused too much hurt just like my dad did to my mum. My wife says she wants a relationship with me similar to my mum and dad in their later years. I'm devastated and still very much in love with my wife. Anyway my wife now lives in a flat a short distance away and because we have young children we share them. My wife has been very friendly with me indeed showing more concern with my well being than when we lived together. I might add that I was so heartbroken that i took myself off to counselling to try deal with my character flaws and grief. So the big question is. Is my wife showing kindness to maintain an amicable relationship because of the kids, to stay friends like my mum and dad as she said she wanted or waiting to see if I really can make long lasting changes in myself before filing for divorce. I suspect it may be all of those things. However, I know that I cannot remain friends beyond polite chat when dealing with the kids if I were to move on after divorce. The pain of seeing her each day when we exchange children etc is bad enough. When she finds a replacement it will be unbearable.


Cheryl 5 years ago

I broke up with Myles because of lack of communication on his part , I think I should have given it more time , I still love him after 3 1/2 years , He wants nothing to do with me, I date others now and then but he was the one for me , time helps you accept but time doesn't erase the love , no-one will replace him .


Alexander Pease profile image

Alexander Pease 5 years ago from Maine

Your hub makes some excellent points. I personally wouldn't become friends with my ex, it would cause me too much personal emotional burden, (due to the fact that she was abusive). I was much better moving on and moving away from where I lived.


Sasha 5 years ago

I am friends with 2 of my exes (I only have 2 exes). We are all chummy, of course. I broke of with both exes for the same reasons, we just couldn't work it out in the long run. I love both of them though, and they love me. If we were so close to each other, why can't we stay close after? If you can't see yourself being friends with your ex, you probably never really loved each other in the first place. It probably was a spark of passion that slowly turned into prolonged torture for each other. I don't think emotions represent love. They represent something we think is love. Being emotionally attached to someone could mean you are in love, but not necessarily. Just as we can adapt to hot or cold weather, we use our emotions so our character can adapt to situations. It's hard not to be smitten when you find someone charming. See the point? Both of my exes have intellectual discussions with me and we click very well. It's as if our souls were connected... There is some nonverbal mutual understanding we have. We've never had any arguments, but reality was getting in the way of our ideals of living with each other forever. But now we just talk to each other casually. Yes, every once in a while I get lovesick... But I just suck it up and carry on. My point is, you can be friends with your ex, or not, it depends on the situation and the history of your relationship.


Michelle 5 years ago

I tried to be friends with my ex. It worked for a little while. Right up until he started dating his best friend. What made it worse was that shes become a friend of mine now too. The three of us have been spending almost every day together. And I can't even hate him for it. I know that he's happy when he's with her. Although I'm not sure why sometimes. I mean she's a really nice person (I wouldn't be friends with her if she wasn't) but she kind of treats him like crap. And I know that friends sometimes treat eachorher badly but she does it constantly. She actually physically hits him. She stabbed him with a safety pin because he was ignoring her and talking to me once. She just walks all over him and he let's her do it. And now I've told him that I need some space and time to get used to them being a couple but at the same time I worry about not being there for him. I feel like I'm letting him down, even though he's the one that broke up with me. I feel like I should say something to him about it because that's what a friend would do but I can't. If I say something it will make me seem like the jealous ex and I don't want that. I mean I am insanely jealous, don't Get me wrong, but mostly I just worry that she's going to hurt him. I just feel like he deserves better than that (even if it's not with me) but because he's my ex I can't be a proper friend and say something because it'll just come across as me being a bitch and not make any difference. I think that it would be different if we hadn't broken up so recently but it's only been about 6 weeks. So yes I think that you can be friends with your ex, but only after a decent amount of time has passed.


Alexander Pease profile image

Alexander Pease 5 years ago from Maine

@Michelle: If your ex is an understanding guy, then I think you should tell him the truth. It isn't doing you any good keeping all of this in, that much is clear. I think getting it out into the air would be a good thing to do. That way you can move on with your life, and he can know how you feel. After all, life is about what you want to do with it, right?


Sarah Connor profile image

Sarah Connor 5 years ago from Washington, DC

This is one of the most difficult of subjects but this hub really shines by offering practical solid advice! Thanks!


Gia 5 years ago

Great article!

I have a situation though. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. We had a baby just last year. We would come to visit his parents in NE so they could see the baby. He would also call up his friends so they could see the baby as well. All of his friends were girls...first of all red flag for me. I had asked him before if any of the girls we see are exes...he said no. A few months later, I find out he is chatting up and talking to all of his exes. I was ready to leave. I had my things packed ready to go. He proceeded to tell me it was just friendly and nothing happened. But then I asked again if any of the girls we see in NE are his exes..he told me all of them. I couldn't believe it...I felt so betrayed.

He then vowed never to talk to them, because he didn't want to lose me and his daughter. It has been almost a year of silence that he hasn't spoken to any of them. So i'm really proud of him.

One of his exes I became really close with. she was awesome. mind you at the time I didnt know she was an ex. we talked all the time and she told my boyfriend how great I was...blah blah blah...they were best friends before dating. he said they dated because they got along great and he now regrets it because it ruined their friendship. mind you this was 6 years ago. their relationship ended bc she cheated on him..supposedely. He has always kept in contact with her, and she knows every ex of his. He would vent to her, and vice versa. I guess what i'm trying to say is I feel guilty that I have stopped communication ties with his "best friend" should I be feeling this way?? She recently just had a baby and I'm just confused what I should do. I'm back and fourth.

PLEASE HELP.


SShadow 5 years ago

Wow...I first posted on here over a year ago, and for some strange reason the same feelings have hit me again tonight!! I've been fine how everything has turned out for us. I realize that I don't fit her perfect mold...whatever that is? Is this just a moment for me to vent one last time? I don't know. We've been able to make adjustments in the friends department throughout the last year, but I seriously can't sleep a wink tonight...She's really on my mind. Will this ever settle or will the pain creep inside on whim like this...It's become one of the hardest things to conquer...


drbreaks 5 years ago

Here's my problem.

My ex & i had been together for 2 1/2 years. Im 27 & she is about to turn 22. We both met at our place of work & everything was great. After a few months of staying at hers, she started staying at mine. Eventually we were both living together at my parents house. Again things were great, she was learning to drive & passed & got a car too. Around a year ago she was offered a job working for her mothers boyfriend. (who is top dog in the company working for the MOD) both her mum & boyfriend are very career & money focussed, which i have not got a problem with. Her mum also works in the same field in the MOD. Around the same time she got the job last year i was off work due to an injury, so things got a bit tence as things were changing very quickly. We had made plans to move out & get a place together, then suddenly her thought process was changing. Obviously her new job was creating some stress. We gradually started getting back on track, & finally went back to work. Again we were both living in one room in my parents place, same routine etc.. Just before christmas she started paying much more attention to her appearence just for work. Her mum would always take her clothes shopping (which she would have to pay her back) sex in the relationship become less and less around once a month. We got to a point where she would get back from work & we wouldn't even kiss or hug. I was thinking whats going on? 2 weeks ago i bought her some flowers & she just rubbed my arm and said "aww bless" so alarm bells started ringing. I said whats going on as something doesnt feel right. She said she wanted space & didnt want to be with anyone. Obviously i love her but if she wasnt happy she had to move back home. I didnt kick off nor shout. Just said i love her & i dont want any of this & i left. So she packed up most of her things got her mum over to help. I gave her her time, she text me, called etc.. I was totally confused where i stood. We met a few times i went to hers to help build her new bed. Then a few days later she said she doesnt want to be with anyone ATM. She love & cares for me but doesnt want to hurt me. I told her that i will not ever give up on her as i love her too much, shes the one and only for me. She came to mine last weekend to pick some bits up, which by then i fell apart in front of her, she started crying we both had a long cuddle & i said i want to be part of her life & that she is my one snd only love. We then spent the day together tidying

her mums place & just hanging out. The day was great, we text that night & it felt really good. We hadnt seen eachother last week but she invited me over last night to watch a film & get a take out, it was all planned, then she text me saying sorry can we do it abother nigh ive been busy with my mum, i said thats ok. Then later that night i text her saying i miss u, then all of a sudden she text saying "I'm happy as I am I don't want to get back together I'm sorry" it seems to me that her mum is making a big influence on her decisions. As she & her boyfrind got her the job, now her mum has her back at home. She said she still wants to be friends, but i love her with all my heart, & she is fully aware of my feelings for her. How can she suddenly turn off her emotions & feelings for me? She said that there is no one else, & that she just wants to be on her own. I dont want to loose her she is my world. I called her when she text me & she said she is just happy as she is. She told me the other day that both her & her mum had been arguing. She told me she hasnt been going out, just tidying & cleaning & sorting her room out. Im waiting for her now to contact me to get the rest of her things from mine. If anyone has any advice of what i can do please say. I dont want to loose her & i have told her im not letting her

go no matter what. Sorry for the long message.


Brent 5 years ago

I don't want to believe I can never be friends with her again. Before we started dating we were best friends-- no secrets, hour long talks and hour long laughs. I after maybe 7 months I asked her on a real date as we had been to places, but never had dinner. Now after a few months we pretty much screwed up, there became a distance between us and we now both areed that we were over. But I just can't belive, neither can she, that we will never be good friends again. Is this true?


dwain randall 5 years ago

how can ya be friends if ya still in love with her an deep down she love me an asked me bk 2wice in a month but gose wierd an says she wants to be on her own why that !?


Mike 5 years ago

Sorry, but once you cross that line between friends to lovers, it's game over. You can't go back. I refuse to accept that this person whom i married and gave vows to, who 'fell out of love' with me, is deserving of being called 'friend'. I'm sure she would love to stay best friends with me. We were the greatest of friends at the onset. BUT i warned her at the beginning, i said if we cross that line, there's no going back.

We were best friends AND lovers. To only keep one and deny the other after everything we shared is both stupid and foolish. As my brother used to say "If you aren't into me in that way, then you're not into me at all." Sorry, you can't have your cake and eat it too at my expense. You want all the benefits of friendship, but reject everything else.

Perhaps, all things being equal, where both have moved on and found someone else, then MAYBE. but even then, why would i risk the possibility of old feelings coming back or comparing my new partner to the old one.

No, best to just start something new and bury the past. They're your EX for a reason. It wasn't meant to be. And if they are the one that ended it on you, there is zero obligation on your part to continue a friendship.

I just don't understand how people can go back to just friends after an intimate relationship, as if all the 'i love you's and 'youre the only one for me's DIDN'T happen?

You wanna remain friends... head the advice, DON'T GET INVOLVED, don't become INTIMATE. We're meant to keep our best friends and our lovers separate for a reason.


Rebecca 5 years ago

I started going out with my best friend of 4 years last year. We live 3 hours away from each other so we was used to the distance. When we started out it was amazing and I call him my first love, but after a year and 2 months he said he finds this to hard and he wants to be just friends. I was heartbroken and it still hurts now. I know I'm young but that doesn't mean I can't have strong feelings towards a guy.. but even though we still love and care for eachother we still manage being friends so I don't think being friends with an ex is as hard as some believe it is.


Confused 5 years ago

Ive had bfs in the past, but always longterm unlike my friends who thought a month or 2 was long term. We started out as best friends for a yr while he was married, then in an open relationship because i wasnt sure i could handle long dist and neither was he, then i moved and we were manogomous, then he tried to break up with me 2.5 yrs later and i asked for an open relationship, then he got serious with a girl so now we are brokeup but still sleep together ( she doesnt know but does know we are still friends and we like eachother), and i dated but nvr real serious. Sry for runon.

He has said from breakup attempt 1: i still want to b ur best friend, not just hey how r u 1x a yr thing.I spent a long time wanting him back and doing anything i could to get him back. But over time i see the things love blinded me to that annoy me. Part of me still wants him back, the other part wants to finally move on.

The prob is: he is my best friend. He knows all my secrets, things i like dislike, knows me btr than anyone ever has. I also trused him. I was raped as a teen and he is the first man ive ever trusted fully and enjoyed sex with. He was also there for me when no one else was emotionally and sometimes financially before, durring and after breakup.

We are completly honest about everything. He knew the whole time i wanted him back that i did, who i dated and slept with and how i felt/ feel about him through it all and vise versa. We talk 2-5x a day, and see eachother atleast 1x/wk.

I have to move to a diff state for my job and i dont know how to deal with being so far away from him. I still love him and he me. We have the wierdest relationship ever. Neither of us r really ok with cheating, but we do. He just wants to be friends and says the sex is a bonus and that he knows i need it. He is right. And he has told me he stays with his gf bc she is comfortable and likes her as a friend but figed that out too late and she has mentioned she will not be friends with an ex so he doesnt want to break it off cuz then he'd loose a friend ( and like me--he doesnt have many true friends)

Some might say he is lying and wants his cake and eats it too, but as i said we r both so honest that he has no reason to lie to me. I was am still partially am emotionally dependant on him. He knows it and doesnt hold it against me, but i dont like putting that burden on him. I want to b ok on my own but i am scared. He is my rock and a hug from him makes everything ok. To be 400mi away alone with no friends scares the hell out of me.

I am sry for rambling. We have a long history and i did my best to shorten it. I know we have the weirdest relationship, but plz dont judge...we cant help who we love. Any advise would be much appreciated.

*great topic!!! Thx for posting it


not4sissys 5 years ago

My Cautionary Tale:

I tried to be friends with an ex (once!!!) because I thought of him as the “exception” to the rule. We hardly even dated (2 months to be exact although we had known each other over the course of a year) and NO we never had sex. That just wasn’t and is not my style. We went out together when I was in college, back in the Jurasic period. The reason I broke up with him was because I didn’t think he fancied me all that much and I didn’t see much point in continuing being his gf. It was best for me to break it off with him and put dating on the back burner for a while to focus on school. The friendship bit was VERY good but the rest was lacking...it was too damned difficult to get to know him! While I was trying to have the occassional serious conversation with him so we could get to know each other better, he just wanted to joke around. After every failed attempt to be serious I became very frustrated by the joking which were getting pretty lame…I always felt like he was stonewalling me. I figured he just wanted in my pants and nothing more serious that was why he was keeping the relationship superficial. I remember thinking to myself later on that it was too bad we had this thing between us because he could've been a lot of fun as a friend.

On the rare occasion that he popped into my head over the many years since I was always a little sad that I had messed up by going out with him and missed out (all of us, him, me and my DH) on what could have been a very good friendship over the years. In 2009 I saw an obit in the local paper that could've been him. I looked through the phone book and called around (I know, it sounds stalkeresque but I swear that wasn’t my intention...I just wanted to KNOW). I found him alive and well which was so good to find out…I’m sure he was much relieved too – LOL! I wasn’t just relieved to find him ‘sound as the pound’, no…not me…no, I decided to take the opportunity to continue contact. We emailed through mine and my husband's email account having lots of fun being silly and exchanging jokes. Yes, we did meet up (with my DH knowledge). We met twice, in an open public space with lots of ppl and traffic. We chatted like ppl do and carried on joking with each other and had lots of fun. I decided that I would ask him if he would think about whether or not it would be okay for us to be friends (he, I and DH). Since I had been the one who severed the bond of friendship et al, and I was the one that made contact I felt that the decision of friendship was his call, not mine.

If he was open to it, or not, I would respect his position but I made it perfectly clear that my husband had the final decision whether or not this would be okay(DH knew him also from back in the day, they grew up in the same neighbourhood). The ex said that he would like to try friendship too as he did have a fondness for me and my DH, as we him. It didn't take very long though before things started going wrong. He had all these suspicions about my motives; he would sometimes accuse me of wanting to have an affair with him, which he had no interest in taking part in (thank goodness!)…nor did I. I don’t like messiness…it’s so messy!!!

Everytime I got an email with his accusations and I read his accusatory words it made me burst out laughing! I never told him that I laughed at him I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But, I couldn’t help but burst out laughing…because it was so ridiculous! Because I had no attraction for him beyond the platonic and I had way to much respect for him to even think such a thing…never mind disrespecting my DH and our children, our precarious new friendship, and what about MY self respect!?!! …I honour these things too…as much as he does! I couldn’t have been more relieved to know that we were on the same wave length. But, I have to say that I was also simultaneously VERY HURT (and I'll even admit, damn it! I was quite offended!!!) that his opinion of me was SO LOW!!! (after all, there was no history of cheating on either part to base this on…none!...That’s what was so stunning!…Where was this suspicion coming from?!). Anyway, I was determined not to let this set me off or back; I really hoped this friendship thing at our seasoned years could work and it might be a little fun exchanging some of what life has taught us and the many joys of life we’ve been blessed with along the way. I thought that all I would do is to set him straight (yet again!) and I even blasted him a little for it, pointing out that I shared my emails with my DH…everything was above board and out in the open…that was very important to me. I didn’t want anyone doubting anyone! I would summon my courage and my patience and would forgive his accusations and try to work past his little faux pas. I told myself “just be patient, he doesn't really KNOW you and he has every right to feel a little intimidated” or whatever that was.

It’s too sad, really. He was such a lovely person, he had a wonderfully hilarious and sometimes quirky sense of humour, and such an intelligent, quick and nimble mind. We shared many of the same values about life and he was a truly delightful person of good character and quality. I really wanted our friendship to workout, my DH would’ve really enjoyed his company too as they share so many childhood memories (my MIL was a nurse and taught the ex first-aid when he was in Cubs…she too remembered him quite fondly…like me, she had a real soft spot for him too…because he was a sweet and funny and well behaved kid). But, the ex just couldn’t get his suspicions out of his head and so the time had come to say goodbye for good and not ever look back. No regrets.

Honestly, I thought that after 35 years it was safe enough to reach out in the name of friendship and that there couldn’t possibly be any problem to try to go back to being friends…BUT…it just didn’t work out. I will say this though, I’m glad that I knew him and I’m glad that he’s had a good life and has his good health and I wish him well on his way. The Lesson I learned is that you can’t go back in life, only forwards. Next time I see an obit of an ex in the paper I’ll just leave it at wondering and saying a little prayer for someone’s dearly departed.

Sometimes what's dead should stay buried


TheMonk profile image

TheMonk 5 years ago from Brazil

My mother was married for 20 years. Then she found out about my father's affair. She dumped him right away. After a little time, they became friends. That was 20 years ago. They are still friends but she still hates the woman who took him away from her. And he still lives with that woman. Life can be really complicated sometimes.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 5 years ago from NY Author

TheMonk,

Thank you very much for sharing that. That really is pretty amazing. You're right, life can be really complicated.

Looks like you're new to Hubpages. Welcome!

V


GrahamReviews profile image

GrahamReviews 5 years ago from UK

You can always continue to be friends with an ex as long as you had a good friendship before. If you were just steamy lovers than I would say NO!!! I have had several ex girl friends and we are all still friends :)

Graham


Ally S. 5 years ago

i lost my virginity to this guy. we dated for 6months and he broke up with me. "we can still be friends" he said and not even a week goes by and he has another gf, generally this pissed me off and hurt. i pushed my feelings aside cuz i wanted to try and make a friendship work.

after him and his gf break up he said he cared for me and wanted me back. i agreed cuz deep down i still loved him. we had sex and dated for 3days, after he says "it wont ever work out". i knew this was coming. all i felt was numb.

he moved away for a year(went off to college). we both moved on. went our saperate ways. we still kept in touch, wrote over the months and talked on the phone maybe twice.

weve been friends for almost 2 yrs. he tells me hes moving back and has a gf he wants me to meet. 3months goes by and they break up, hes callin me askin if we can "hangout". im not dumb, i kno what he means by that. i try so hard to be just his friend, and i truely mean just his friend cuz i dont have that same longin to be with him. its hard cuz when were friends were best friends and thats how i like it but i feel like im the rebound after he gets out of a relationship.

so my question to youu is..

will we ever be JUST friends?


girlie:) 5 years ago

I am 17 years old this year. A guy that was my best friend & i happen to like confessed to me & we started dating. I admit that i was a little afraid as i didn't know what to do as a gf...

Then, after 5days, he asked if we could be best friends again. He told me he didn't want me to suffer as he could not give me anything as a bf, he said it was entirely his fault & that he wasn't mature enough to handle this. I agreed & finally got over it. BUT THE PROBLEM IS THAT now in school, he ignores me n treats me as though as i'm invinsible. I asked him about it & he says its because he is shy. I really wanna be friends again with him. I don't wanna lose a soulmate because of this.


TheStreets 5 years ago

Mike Skinner (The Streets)-

"We can never be friends

One wants to stay together

One wants it to end

We can never be friends

We can make it easy."


5 years ago

Hi,

Am I obsessed?

After 7,5 years I decided to break up with my boyfriend, as we grew apart. Our relationship became really boring - no emotions, no affection, no passion, no sex. It took me about 2 years to make that decision – he is a really good guy, so it was difficult for me to make such a move, but I started suffocating in that relationship, as I became kind of emotionally blocked. After I broke up with him, I was relieved. Anyway, suddenly I met a guy and there was a huge attraction between us, so I fell in love with him straight away and I thought he felt the same. It was an explosion of feelings, emotions, passion. We really liked, adored and admired each other. However, from my side it was kind of obsession, as I thought about him non-stop, and at the beginning I didn’t feel like sleeping nor eating. I was crazy in love with him. Even when I was out with my friends, I was thinking abut him and I was missing him loads. I tried to control my emotions, but I couldn’t. I had never been so crazy about anyone before. Well, he didn’t know how crazy I was about him, as I controlled my behaviour well, but my mom and my closest friends knew. After about 5 months of being together, I noticed he was not as crazy about me as I was about him. I started nagging him a bit. I think he got scared that we became so close in such a short time (he is much younger than me). He has a very short temper, so we had a few weird arguments and I cried a lot. After our last argument, we broke up. He insulted me, so I got shocked and left his place. The next day he called me to apologise for losing his temper and said that we hurt each other too much. I said I agree, and added: “I am still shocked how you insulted me, as it is unacceptable”, he interrupted me, said that he didn’t have anything else to say to me and hung up on me. It was 5 weeks ago (after being together 6,5 months).

We didn’t talk for 2 weeks, but we kept on bumping into each other at work, so every time I saw him, I had to run to the toilet to cry. I cried every day. It was very painful, so one day when we bumped into each other, I said to him that it is weird that we don’t talk, so we should have a normal, friendly relationship, and he agreed. I sent him a long email to thank him, as I learnt a lot from him about myself, and to explain my behaviour on our last day together, and to say that it would be a shame to destroy the friendship we have, so I hope we could be friends. I felt relieved after that. He didn’t reply, but after a few days when we bumped into each other, he thanked me for the email and we had a nice chat, he explained his behaviour, so actually I started to understand his reactions. Anyway, I contact him a few times a week, just as a friend. He always replies, calls me back, etc. However, am I lying to myself? Can I be friends with him? The truth is that when we bump into each other in the office and we talk, I feel like hugging him and kissing him. I realized I would like to be with him again, as the first 5 months we had were amazing, and now I think that we understand mistakes we made, so I would like to give it a chance. I just feel that we broke up too quickly, as we were impulsive. So, last Sunday I called him. We had a normal chat, like friends, and then I told him what I’ve just written above. I also told him that I am missing him. I decided to take a risk and I opened up myself to him. He said that he thought we are doing great as friends. I said: “Maybe you are, but I am struggling. I want us to be friends, but every time we bump into each other and talk, I feel like hugging you and kissing you, as I am missing you. I feel that we broke up too quickly, and it would be a shame if we don’t try to give it a chance, etc”. He said he is missing me, too, but added that he is stubborn and that we made a decision, so he doesn’t want to change his mind, as he thinks it was a right decision.

So, how can I forget him? I don’t want to remove him from my life, as I like him – we always have a great time together and we enjoy being in each other’s company. Besides, I see him in the office every day.

Well, the truth is that I do call him or text him from time to time, as I am missing his presence in my life. But I am the one who initiates contact. However, is it healthy or am I making myself worse?

I am in early 30s, but I have never been in such a situation before, so I don’t know how to cope with it. I feel like I am obsessed with him, as I think about him a lot and I can’t stop. I am keeping myself very busy, have taken up a few new hobbies, am meeting many new people, etc. However, I am thinking about him so much that I can’t function properly. How can I forget about him? I am afraid that if I remove him completely from my life (when I stop calling / texting him), I will be missing him even more. Besides, he is in the office, so it hurts to see him. Any advice will be appreciated. Many thanks!


Manuela 5 years ago

Sadly my ex broke up with me some weeks ago after both of us planning get married. He asked for my friendship and i said ok but he treats me bad since than...he said he knows why he ran away from me and everybody will do the same....he even said about my ex who left me alone because he found a better woman.I even mentioned that if we really wanna be friends, we supposed to be nice and forget everything that happened with us.I didnt ask for his friendship! he offers me that and i took it but he just makes me feel really bad! but on the other hand, he said he loves me. and the last time he said that he cant treat me normal because he loves me. But he didnt ask for getting back together or show any regret. he just treat me bad and say im ridiculous. Im really hurt and sad.I wish we could be friends but i guess its not possible anymore.

I need an advice.thanks


Heartbroken 5 years ago

My boyfriend just broke up with me 3 days ago. We were having a lot of fights. I acknowledge that I had times I wanted to break up before - but my love was just to big.

Now we both suggested to be friends. But I am no where near being over him. He was such a big support to me - I am feeling very empty without him. The fact that he will still be there for me comforts me. Hearing his voice still does. But I will still be hoping. This is tearing me apart. Should I still be friends - so atleast I won't feel lonely and loose him forever?


Finnja 5 years ago

I was here almost a year back, when an old ex with whom I had no contact for a year or more (my choice - there had been betrayal and dishonesty from his side and the over a yearlong trying to remain friends after the breakup just hurt and annoyed me, cause he never took responsibility for his actions) asked for contact again. I thought - ok, we're both in different places having started a family with new partners, but after the texting and phone-call I felt uneasy, just not trusting him in a way that a friendship would ever seem possible.

Update: we've been texting about every month now via Skype, random stuff and tips regarding work, and it has worked out pretty well. One conversation was somewhat rocky, but we finally agreed to leave that topic in the past and let it go. We even occasionally exchange fotos of our kids. He sometimes comes somewhat close to trespassing the boundaries in my view (like stating that I still wear the same shirt on a photo like when we were together, or stating some t-shirt is too small for me, now that I nurse a baby) - but I ignore that or make it clear that that's more than I'd like to hear and let it go. Basically, that's just his way and always has been, even before we were together. We won't become bestbest friends ever again (I will not discuss my current relationship with him, that's between me and hubby)like I thought we were before and during our fling/relationship - whatever it was; But it is relaxed and nice to talk about the old times (also NOT about 'us', but about common friends/travels/climbs) and also about the kids. I think, being in a good place in life now has been crucial for me, in order to come to that point. Having this amical contact with him, again, actually helped me to become real 'zen' about our rocky past and dreadful breakup. (Actually, writing this I realize he has STILL not taken any responsibility for his actions or voiced any 'I'm sorry' - it's not in his genes I guess - but it is just not important to me anymore).

So, to whoever is in a place of hearbreak and desperation, I couldn't agree more with Veronica's blog: you need to be in a different place for a friendship to start, being done dating and being done breaking up. And I would add: Then, forgiving the past and becoming friends again can actually be a beneficial and healing experience. Cheers.


msm 5 years ago

i was with my ex for 7 years. He broke up with me and we are still very good friends.

WE have agreed to have "the talk" in Jan about getting back together, as the circumstances we broke up in were mainly related to personal issues.

Am i doing the right thing by staying in his life?


dp 5 years ago

my ex and i now talk because we boat having problem in our relationship and i think that if we were not having problem we wold not have Spokane thank you for all of the comment i understand WY ex relationship don't work some time.


Masada 5 years ago

I broke up with my ex 8 months ago, but we still had our benefits. He met a girl 2 months ago and told me just to be friends. He moved on but I haven't. He talks to me like we are still good friends. But it just makes me angry and sad because there are so many questions.He was in love more than I! So, how can he just see my as a random friend now? Is that possible? Because I cant.


blah 5 years ago

my ex keeps contacting me every six months asking for sexual pictures or to screw around in emails. i'm so tired of it, at first i did it because i still liked him, then i started feeling bad if i didnt, now i'm just sick of the disrespect and come on, it's been five years since we broke up. i want to tell him to shove it and get lost but i still have some weird need to be in his life so i keep letting him use me.


Alonso 5 years ago

Hi Veronica (:

My boyfriend and I broke up after a relationship of 9 months. It had been passionate, romantic and wild, and it wasn't very much realistic. We're both in the 17~21 years range, it that helps. (: I didn't want to continue the r/s because I didn't think he was the one for me, even though I liked him a lot, but just not enough. It was a peaceful breakup, we talked about things relatively calmer than I thought it would be. Then he asked if we could still be friends. I replied yes because we knew that we are the ones that understood each other the best in both our lives and could be absolutely solid friends for each other.

I want to keep him as a friend because of that. However, because I raised the topic on the breakup, I didn't know if he will be comfortable with the idea. If he isn't, then I'm fine with cutting off all contact.

Few days after, he said he thought it through, and really wanted to continue to be friends. He said he needed time to get over me but didn't want to lose me as a girlfriend and a friend as well. I didn't, too. He asked if I wanted to continue the friendship. I said yes, if he is alright with the idea. We went out (not as a date) and things felt like we're back together (without the physical actions of holding hands etc) and we could feel the connection when we communicate.

Then soon after, he sent me a text saying happy anniversary. I am worried he still hasn't gotten over it and don't want to still be part of his life if that will cause him to have difficulty to get over me.

Is he trying to fool himself into believing he can get over me while being as friends? Is that possible? I want to know the course of action I should take to let him down as lightly as I could. What could he be thinking? In one of the previous posts, someone mentioned that guys are not capable of doing this.

Thanks XO


Lord_Meika 5 years ago

Unfortunately this is too close for comfort. Time and time again I get into relationships purely because I have a hard time saying "no" to people, so when we've been hanging for weeks on end the next step always seems to start "dating" and it usually works for about a month--but dies because it was never anything more than friendship.

A few times it has worked, but usually the breakup is painful enough that it is impossible to salvage anything, and unfortunately I've lost entire groups of friends because I can't bear to see the other person.

Currently one of my ex's is coming back to haunt me; we dated, and broke up without resolving everything, and we kept getting back together because we--as you put it--knew each other so well, we didn't have to start over because we knew everything about each other, which hurt when I finally decided we should not hang around each other any longer, but recently she has been starting to hang out with all of my friends, (friends that neither of us knew back when we were dating, all new friends) just because she knows that I won't hang out with them while she's around. I know it sounds childish, but none of the group of friends hung out together 3 weeks ago, and now are all inseparable, maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's justifiable, but, thought I'd let you know.

Even though your article was written 3 years ago, I'm sure it will still ring true years to come.

Thanks


megha1202 5 years ago

What if the person you were in a relationship with is your best friend ? How do you move on from that ? Do you let himstay in your life as your friend or do you drift away ? I cant imagine my life without him, yet everytime i meet him , i cant but wonder, what if we haden't broken up ? My brain tells me, that we shouldn't be together but my heart refuses to lsten. What to do in this situation ? Reply Veronica. Please.


lolrose 5 years ago

Personally, I don't think two people can remain friends after a breakup, especially if the relationship was serious.

I think it makes friendship awkward when you've known someone so well, and it's not like you can forget what went on between the two of you. It's hard to start with a clean slate and have a conversation while knowing every reply there's too much pressure.


Robert Erich profile image

Robert Erich 5 years ago from California

Veronica, you've hit the nail right on the head. I've learned that it's a fine balance when deciding if you can still be friends after a break up. I've had girls who I wanted to be friends with (more to win them back or prove them wrong, or something terrible like that), and others who have wanted to remain friends with me for similar reasons. I admire anyone who is mature enough to continue with a friendship after dating.

I like your posts. Very insightful. I'll continue reading!


matilda36 4 years ago

I'm kinda using this hub to offload a bit too- sorry if it's not what this is about- delete it if it's inappropriate. In my particularly sad case, my ex wants to be friends with me in an impossible situation he created.

After 15 years of marriage and 2 children, my ex had an affair with and left me for a work colleague. He stayed for a little while to 'work things out', insisting all the while he wouldn't give her up for me. It devastated me, to quote the film "Love Actually".. "It's made the life I've led seem foolish!" Nine years later (he's still with her), I'm engaged and happy but my ex insists that "enough time has passed" and I should be friends with him and the girlfriend. On the surface this may seem reasonable as we are keeping cordial for the kids. But this same man has said to me repeatedly that he wants a chance to sleep with me again one more time... infact it might bring us closer together and bring closure! When I pointed out to him that apart from I would NEVER do that to my fiance, his girlfriend would be devastated.. he commented that "What she doesn't know won't hurt her".

My point, I guess is WHY!! Why does he want to remain friends. In my case I am convinced its 1) an ego stroke- what guy doesn't want 2 girls chasing for his attention 2) so that he can play 'happy families' therefore never having to face the hurt that he's caused to his ex wife and his kids.

I'm sure not all ex's are like this. Normal people realise there are boundaries, and true friends (regardless of whether they are ex's or not) preserve each others dignity, lifting each other up, not using their friend for their own benefit or satisfaction. Take pleasure in seeing the other happy in a relationship- and are careful not to do anything to jeopordise that new relationship.

Unfortunately I am not one of those lucky people, that is a shame for me, and especially our kids. I remain distant but respectful, and I accept that is a decision my ex has forced me to based on his behaviour.. and he remains insistant that we must be friends and that I am being childish and 'not getting over him'.

post script: apart from having to see him to get the kids back from custody visits- I don't have anything to do with him. My fiance does know about it - he shakes his head and says "he wants what he can't have!" Very understanding.


lolitsme 4 years ago

I have a problem of my own with exes. Me and this guy (B) were together for some time, then he broke up with me because he couldn't see me anymore and all that time I was still hurting over him. Then he went out with one of my recent friends (1) and then dumped her a short time later. He asked me out and because I still liked him I said yes. But then a few months later I broke up with him because... I don't know, there was still some anger on why he broke up with me in the first place. 2 weeks later I started dating my ex (A), the one I had before the guy I broke up with. We dated and into the first 2 months, he (B)dated another of my friends(2). Well A then broke up with me and I realized that 2's brother (C) liked me so right now I'm going out with him. But then things is B has like 2 for a long time, even before he liked me or dated me. I'm still friends with A but with B its harder because we had a lot of nice memories which I miss from time to time. :'(


Lucybabyxo 4 years ago from Surrey

Oh gosh, I honestly don't know if you can, the valid point made about whether you both are truly over it is 100% true! I'm in this situation at the moment, I'm finding it very hard but I gues I just want him in my life still! Me and my ex were together for 2 years and split up in February this year (2011) lol! It wasn't the nicest, we moved away together and he left me one day and I never heard from him until six months later, because things had been left so badly I was really unsure that I wanted to try again because I made a life for myself without him and in the end I called everything off! Although last week, I ended up contacting him, I realised that I was just kidding myself and that I hadn't stopped loving him, so he came up and stayed with me-we had a serious heart to heart..and I genuinely thought he meant everything he said to me that night, then after he leaves, he doesn't speak to me? He's finally let me know that he just wants to be friends, it wont 'last' because apparently some of my old 'colours' came out? I don't understand how someone can suddenly go from saying the love you to then just wanting to be friends? It's confused me, but I still want him in my life :\ he texts me every now and then to see how I am, but I'm finding it quite painful and there's a part of me that wants him to just realise!? I coped fine without him when he left in feb but now it's a totally different situation and I'm not sure what I did wrong. I sound like an idiot but Im just v confused..


Motherx2 4 years ago

So my husband and I have been separated for 10 months now due to his affair. We have two small children (4 and 11mo). He has lived with the other woman since our separation. Custody arrangements make for our 4yr old to call mon and wed nights. My husband has begun to tell our 4yr old to give me the phone and wants to be "casual" for the sake of the boys. He will bring up old pictures he has of not necessarily of my but of my sisters son and him or will bring up things that I want point out the things our son does that are similar to things I do. A few weeks ago he ending up bring up our separation again and how much he tried and how I pushed him away type stuff. I am confused as to why any of that stuff still matters to him and why he feels it necessary to keep bringing it up. To me thats not casual. To me causal is a "hey how are you? im well you? Good. The boys are blah blah blah" not discussing us. Im confused... Someone help me!!


SShadow 4 years ago

This ex and friend crap still drives me nuts. I wish that some greater power would make all the pain just go away. Even after this year has past, where it finally seemed somewhat better, it has taken on an entire new spirit. Creating even more frustrations, and problems than I ever could have understood the first time we parted ways. Now a full two years for me since the initial break, and she still manages to twist the knife in my back.


100ktrainer profile image

100ktrainer 4 years ago from Michigan

IMO you can be friends with an EX. However, that friendship should have boundaries when in a new relationship. Simply communicating those boundaries will help an Ex understand what's acceptable and whats not.

That's only respecting the new relationship, if nothing else.

Great Post!


gypsygirlxoxo 4 years ago

when you said that the friendship after breaking up could just be for closure, is that a good or bad thing?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 4 years ago from NY Author

gypsy, that's up to you. It can be good, as long as you're aware of what's going on and realistic about what you can expect.


iflo 4 years ago

I need some advise here..

I have a close friend whom later broke up with his girlfriend because he liked me.

Only a very short moment I'm as his lover, his ex attempted a suicide, he was depressed and we went back as friend as he wanted to settle his past before moved on to the future.

So, i waited and after all things settled, he didn't say anything but we were closer and spent many times together. He gave some gentle hints of us went back as lover, but he didn't say it. Everyone thought we were already a couple as we both were so match and enjoyed each other since we shared very same interest & life values. And I do love him so much. Only recently i knew he was hiding something from me, i was upset and he knew i was jealous & suspecting he had a girl friend. He didn't confirm that but say that he wanted to be friends with me because it would be complicated if we become more than friends as he would hurt me as before. I was very upset though I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. He kept on asking me to be his friends as he liked me very much. He also said he wouldn't had me and his girlfriend meeting each other because he knew it would hurt me. I think that means he will spend time with his new girlfriend and when he wants me, he will go out with me. I don't want to be second options. But the thought of leaving him and not communicating with him, burnt me. I admire him so much and he's the only guy I can have the kind of conversations I dreamt of. We understand each other jokes and we share the time we spent together silent and not saying anything.

What should I do? Should I stay as friends and become his second options? Or should I stay away from him? Either one is hard for me. I'm sure I couldn't find someone that match me like he does. Now I really live like zombie.. Any suggestion?


not4sissys 4 years ago

Dear Iflo,

IMHO I think that your feelings for him are too strong for you to have a "friendship" with him. I think that you need closure with this and move on. Being someone's "2nd option" is not going to bring you happiness or peace. You are worth so much more than that. Let him free and free yourself to find that extraordinary person that sees how extraordinary you are and appreciates you in their life. IMHO leave him behind as a treasured memory and go be happy.

I wish you the very best of everything, Angel


iflo 4 years ago

Dear Angel,

Thank you so much for your support. I really need it. You are very true, I know I can't be his second option. I just have this foolish wish that I could win him back if I'm still his friend. I will try to move on, though it's damned hard and hurting because now he doesn't want to let me go (would be far easier if he acts cruel like a real jerk). And with my birthday coming next few days & a trip we have planned for the week end, I will try to switch off my feeling and try to stay strong.

Again, really appreciate your support..

Also thanks to veronica for this hub


TennisPlayer13 4 years ago

My boyfriend and I dated for exactly one month. From March 1st to April 1st. He broke up with me after we went to the mall exactly 21 minutes later to be exact. He texted me while I was in the car with my best friend. He started the conversation by 'Hey listen we need to talk'. I knew at once that he was going to ask about our relationship. The first day of the break up wasn't bad at all, I didn't feel as bad as I do now. So here's what happened.

I'm very shy and usually keep to myself and my ex was able to get to know me. I got to know Jim do well we would talk for hours up until 1:30 am sometimes. I liked some qualities about him and other not really. He's different than any other guy I have known. He's funny tall so sweet caring he listens to me and everything. There are some things that I would change about him like he doesn't play sports and his breath smells I also feel that I constantly am asking him 'what's up' over text. We just didn't have enough in common. Yet I feel that I still want him back.

On April 1st we went to the mall together with a small group of friends. We held hands interlocking our fingers, but I was the one to break away bith of the times. When we went to ho sit diwn also he wanted me to sit in his lap but that idea was also rejecyed by me. I dont know why I was so stupid do that. He felt after that that I didn't want to be around him or like him anymore. I could tell that he really liked me a lot more than I liked him, but now I realize what I had was amazing.

I guess in the first place I wasn't too excited to go out with him, but there was always something about him that got me and it wasn't anything sexual.

Now after a few days the weight has been getting heavier although we decided to be good friends. He also wants to be my friend. We are going to the same high school together next year and I'm very excited.

I still have this small nagging thing inside of me that just misses him. I miss our conversations until late and the fact that he always asked me for pens or put his backpack next to mine. It's the little things really that I wish back. I know that I couldn't take him back as my boyfriend because I'm too afraid to hurt him. I've cried because of it I never wanted to hurt him at all and I don't really know why I did that, but I still don't think we could work in the future.

I'm going to go watch a movie with him and a few couple friends I was wondering if I should repay him by holding his hand as a friend. I really want to be close to him and have tight connection. I know things about him that his best friend that he calls his 'sister' doesn't even know. He's the type if guy that would do anything to make sure you're okay and he has actual feelings. I also have told him everything about me and everything I have said was nothing but the truth. I have shared my deepest thoughts with him and he's never once judged me in any way not that I've done anything wrong though.

Please don't take me the wrong way just because I'm young I do feel for him. Can you help me figure out what I'm really feeling. I don't think he wants to get back together even if we had the chance to though. Is the a normal stage to go through as I'm gettin out of my breakup?


bryanbaldwin profile image

bryanbaldwin 4 years ago from Los Angeles

I am happily friends with nearly all my ex's. However yes.... it does need time. You need to completely break up before you can be friends.


SShadow 4 years ago

What a crumby week. Seriously, it just doesn't get any better does it? I'm trying. I've now been in therapy for over a month now to deal with all my issues. Hopefully some silver lining on some other brighter day. The drama of life seriously seems to never end...

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