Unspoken Dating Rules: Dealing with Crushes

Crushes: YAY!

I think relationships are hilarious, and I think it’s a darn shame that I can’t provide much firsthand commentary on them. There is, thankfully, one area in which I may claim some expertise, and that is in the realm of crushes!

Yes, nerds, I am not only an experienced crusher, but also an experienced crushee, so I know how exquisitely humiliating it can be to at once suffer from unrequited love and to suffer from the unwanted affection of another (perfectly lovely, but only as a respected stranger/friend) person.

In addition to being experienced at having crushes and dealing with others’ crushes on me, I am somewhat reckless, meaning that I’ve tried pretty much every bad crush move in the book. Really.

Now, at long last, I can make use of my suffering to share with you the important lessons I have learned. Enjoy.

What have YOU done?

Have you resorted, in moments of insane desperation, to any of the following things?

  • A secret admirer note
  • Stalking
  • A written confession
  • An in-person confession
  • A drunk dialed confession
  • Violence
  • Something ELSE even MORE humiliating!
  • I've done it all. Why? WHY????
  • I haven't done any of these things. That's right, *I* am actually sane.
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If You Have a Crush On Someone

If you are in this unfortunate position, and it is pretty clear that you’re not liked back, PLEASE do not:

  • Send secret admirer notes: I have both received these from admirers and sent them myself. To be honest, they can be a pretty fun exercise (both on the sending and receiving end), but it SUCKS if you get caught, so if you do do this, be sure to be undetectable (I will not share my methods out of fear that previous crushes may discover my identity).
  • Stalk your crush (in real life OR online): You’re crazy if you do this. It’ll only make the crush worse and make you even more miserable. And creepy (though let’s be honest, everyone does this).
  • Send long-drawn out emails or letters revealing both your feelings and your identity: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???????????????????
  • Tell this person how you feel IN PERSON: Though this might be OK in isolated situations (e.g. you’ll never see this person again), this can mean utter disaster if you reveal your feelings to someone who you shall have to continue to interact with on a daily basis. What a terrible move to make!
  • Resort to violence: Even though violence can be very amusing, it is rarely a good idea (Oh heck, it is never a good idea).

Also, try not to be obvious about your drooling. And don’t so careful about pretending to NOT like this person that you make it obvious that you’re head over heels in love with him/her. Neither scenario allows you to suffer this crush privately.

What's Your Cure?

How do you get over a crush?

  • I self medicate, baby!
  • Sci-fi / chick flicks / video games / LOTS of television
  • I get a crush on someone else
  • I realize I've fallen in love with a fantasy, not a real person
  • I don't get over crushes.
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A Practical Thought

I’m sure that, by now, you have realized that I am basically telling you to crush your crush. Maybe that seems a bit harsh. But hear me out. The person you have a crush on, in all likelihood, is not a real person, but rather a fictional character you’ve made up.

Unless you know this person really well, the subject of all your crushing is likely a fantasy you have constructed combining a couple of random details and surface characteristics belonging to that person with a bunch of your own ideas and fantasies.

Basically, this person in your head is pretty different from the real person you are drooling over. Understanding that you’re more infatuated with a fictional ideal than a real person may help you move on with your life. It sure has helped me!

How have YOU experienced crushes?

  • I've had a crush on someone before.
  • I've been a "crushee" before
  • I HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE RIGHT NOW!!!!
  • Love? What is this.... love?
  • Thankfully, I have been spared this pain and humiliation. Everyone I fancy fancies me back. Because I am a sexy demon.
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If Someone Has a Crush on You

I will be the first to admit that being a “crushee” can be just as uncomfortable as being a “crusher.” The best way to deal with these situations is to...

  1. Remain calm (and for the love of god, do not vomit)
  2. Be polite
  3. Be firm about not returning the crusher’s feelings
  4. BUT! Be nice and (professionally) friendly
  5. Do NOT bring up what will henceforth be referred to as “The Incident” EVER again to ANYONE

You also have clearance to secretly feel a little flattered.

Good Luck! (Just kidding. You're doomed.)

I hope these practical tips may be of use to you... though I hope even more that you never find yourself in this sort of situation.

I think the most we can do when either feeling unwanted feelings for other people or having others feeling unwanted feelings about us is to be practical and compassionate. Such situations are not comfortable for anyone,

There is one little consolation that we can take from these scenarios, and that is that crushes result in GREAT stories, so as you bang your head repeatedly against a wall for being such a lovesick idiot or want to vomit at the thought of so-and-so pining over you, just remember... it all makes for GREAT material!

Do YOU have a funny crush-misadventure story? Share it in the comments below! We can all laugh, cringe, and cry together.

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Comments 19 comments

homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 4 years ago from Texas

I am not allowed to have crushes any more. It's a rule.

I've been married for 31 years - I think I forgot what crushes are. I may have to go back and read this again. You first poll needs another choice: Never done any of those things. That is where I would have been able to vote.

I really wanted to select your answer, "Thankfully, I have been spared this pain and humiliation. Everyone I fancy fancies me back. Because I am a sexy demon." because I sure would like to know what it feels like to have been a sexy demon.... LOL


FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 4 years ago

I spent most of my adolescence involved in a one-sided relationship. We went to school together.


Emma Harvey profile image

Emma Harvey 4 years ago from Berkshire, UK

I haven't had a one sided crush since school and I really didn't stand a chance (he was aware of it, as was the rest of the school)...

As I got older I have been a bit more confident with my crushes and had good results. Right now, I am in a relationship and I couldn't be happier! In fact we're getting married in the summer - so hopefully no more crushes for me (phew!).


Jim Gorham profile image

Jim Gorham 4 years ago

Very funny hub! On the last poll, some of us might need an option E for "All of the above except sexy demon."


50 Caliber profile image

50 Caliber 4 years ago from Arizona

Simone, I got nothing here but LMAO, but I may be developing a crush on your sense of humor and original content, voted up funny and a few more, 50


Simone Smith profile image

Simone Smith 4 years ago from San Francisco Author

I've added that "I've not done any of these things" option, homesteadbound! (You sexy demon, you. Don't deny it!!)

I believe many have, FloraBreenRobison! Guess it's just part of being alive. =__=

Oh gosh, that must have been awful Emma Harvey!! It sucks when other people know. I'm so glad to hear your crush days are OVER!

Jim Gorham, I'm surprised by the number of people who apparently don't want to admit that they're sexy demons.

Thank you, 50! I'm most CERTAINLY developing a crush on your flattering comments!


Robwrite profile image

Robwrite 4 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

I had my share of crushes when I was younger.Probably too many. I think I was a serial crusher. I don't think I've ever been the crushee, unless someone hid it well.

Entertaining hub,

Rob


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 4 years ago from Texas

Hi, Simone! I was able to vote because of your addition, (thanks) but there is some question of my sanity. Boring may be more appropriate.


livelonger profile image

livelonger 4 years ago from San Francisco

This is great advice, and that last poll *should* have 100% admitting to have had crushes. Aren't we all human? It's been a long time since I've had a crush, but they are difficult to get through without any cringe-worthy behavior. Hopefully plenty of people will read your advice before stepping into figurative doggie doodoo and swearing off love for the rest of their lives!


Emerald Strachan 4 years ago

Thanks for the tips Simone, and here I thought the dinner notes were cute. I also wondered why the person changed their email address and moved to another country, and why they looked so uncomfortable when I told them how I felt (I thought it was because they wanted to use the bathroom)....whew...glad I got that off my chest..did I just say that? It wasn't me....it was my friend!

That was so much fun!


derram profile image

derram 4 years ago from Beijing, China

I have a crush on 3 guys right now. It just amuses me in the back of my mind.


K9keystrokes profile image

K9keystrokes 4 years ago from Northern, California

Really fun hub! Dealing with crushes, no matter how crazy one gets, is a difficult thing. Your advice in the video is spot-on! I laughed right out loud when you flipped that knife open!!! Hilarious! Thanks for always making me smile while teaching some really unique stuff.

Happy Holidays and HubHugs~

K9


Simone Smith profile image

Simone Smith 4 years ago from San Francisco Author

I bet you'd be surprised, Robwrite! Sometimes I wish that, for one day, we could all know EXACTLY what others thought of us (at the end of the day, of course, our memories would have to be wiped, because our heads would probably explode).

Hahaa, sanity only SEEMS boring, homesteadbound!

I would definitely like to think that everyone suffers from cruchitis at some point, livelonger. Something about shared humiliation makes embarrassment more bearable!

Of course it was your friend, Emerald Strachan! And yeah... *I've* never done any of those things, too..............

Good point, derram. Cruches can be rather entertaining!

And thanks so much, K9! I could say the same thing about your Hubs- they're super fun, and packed to the gills with interesting information!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

Hi, Oh my God! the one thing you never mentioned is the wobbling mess that you turn into when you bump into that man/boy of your dreams! I remember a few, well, long years ago, I really liked someone who came into the same pub that I used, I was so nervous to see him, that, staring at the front door, I never heard him come up behind me through the back! I turned around, turned to jello and lit another cigarette, which was not as good as it sounds! I had one already in my hand, another in the ash tray, and then I dropped my drink on the floor all over his shoes! arghhh! luckily he asked me out after that so it was fine! lol!


stricktlydating profile image

stricktlydating 4 years ago from Australia

Haha! Loved Nell's comment! I think if you have a crush ASK THEM OUT! If they're not interested than you have a good reason to move on.


epigramman profile image

epigramman 4 years ago

...well I guess it's official now and out in the (hub) open .... yes it's true my dear Miss SS - I have always had a mad crush on you ........ lake erie time ontario canada 1:16am ....and it's not just because I am currently listening to Lou Reed's Walk on the Wild Side - lol - very high winds here adding to the wind chill of living so close to a great lake but what the heck it's January ....and I am supposed to be a tough Canadian - lol


Robin profile image

Robin 4 years ago from San Francisco

Very entertaining Hub, Simone. Those high school and childhood crushes always seem to be the worst but also a big part of growing up. We all have to get our hearts broken a bit - as unfortunate as it is. ;)


Simone Smith profile image

Simone Smith 4 years ago from San Francisco Author

Oh GOSH!! Yes, Nell Rose!! How could I have forgotten about that @_@ - it's so embarrassing! Love your story- and I'm glad that, despite the bumbling, there's a happy ending!

That's really good, but really horrifying advice, strictlydating. I think I'm too much of a coward for that sort of behavior. It would be better to make that move RIGHT after meeting someone- BEFORE the crush gets out of hand. Then it can be prevented altogether!

Lawl, what an honor, epigramman! And for GODS SAKES DO NOT FREEZE!!

Very true, Robin! And life would be really dull without at least a BIT of heartbreak!


breakster 4 years ago

DO NOT BRING UP "JUST FRIENDS" THING!!! that's god damn humiliating

i mean not enough that you're rejecting someone but + you pity them and give some sort of consolation prize or something like that it's like a huge bitchslap

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