Diary of an Educated Idiot--Part III

Jan. 9, 2****

Wow! I can’t believe how amazing the hub community is. It really is as though I’ve found myself in a city, and am beginning to make good acquaintances who seem well on their way to becoming genuine, good friends. I wasn’t expecting them to be so concerned about it me when I published my first hub, but then again…I guess I really needed the perspective of outsiders to get an even better handle on how messed up things are around here.

Not that I didn’t know it was messed up…but it’s as though I’d just gotten used to something I ought to be appalled at…like all those normal people reading my hubs are appalled. It’s been such a slow progression to this point. I guess I have really been stripped bare of all my defenses since Mom died, over a year ago now…I can’t believe it. I think I’ve just been in a daze since then, and am just now waking up to find that, well, everything is so different from the way it used to be.

And I’m so tired. God, I’m too young to be this tired! But this emotional roller coaster has been in crisis for over ten years. I realize that now; it’s just been one tragedy after another after another…I tell myself that’s life, but is it really? I see other people who don’t seem to have the unceasing string of deaths, deceit, and disruption that I’ve had. Am I just unlucky? Well, I already know the answer to that. I am just stuck in a rut focusing on all the negative stuff…There have been things just as amazing: Ireland at the awakening of spring—while it is still tender and young, before it becomes that fiery green explosion of new life as Eliot’s cruelest month unleashes its final frigid—futile—bite as tiny green shoots and red buds burst forth! London in winter, grey and stately—complete with protesters angry about the price of petrol—I bet they went nuts last year. I lost all that weight and have been able to keep all but a few pounds of it off. I quit smoking two months ago—I will become healthier by the time I’m 30! I already am healthier. I need more energy though. I need structure too. This working at home has really got me lax about self-discipline; it really wouldn’t take much more freelancing to be making enough money to get back out on my feet again; I just need to get myself motivated. It would help if I got back into my yoga, I know.

And I need to keep writing! There are actually people listening!

*****

Fellow Hubbers: Thank you everyone for all the support and kindness!! Your comments have given me some perspective, and a lot of smiles. Many things about our actual environment have finally gotten fixed...like the roof, the sewage...well, we're out of water again HAHA...but at least it's not the pump, it's an easily fixable problem (once the five feet of snow we're under have melted, that is). The emotional problems still exist, but I am becoming a different, more assertive person—and I am a pretty strong woman and independent: I *WILL* be okay. My temper—which is very slow-building but nuclear when it arrives—coupled with the fact that it is very difficult to be heard here in my home, makes it hard to learn to remain assertive rather than aggressive, but I am speaking up for myself more often—I am putting distance between myself and my roommates/S.O., and not standing for the disrespect any more. I’ve been making it clear that there are going to be some boundaries and respect and that as soon as it is possible I’m looking for other living arrangements. They don’t really like it, but the house has been peaceful for the most part, at least for a few weeks now—well…with the exception of one BIG explosion—but that’s another hub!

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12 comments

dave272727 profile image

dave272727 6 years ago from Kentucky

I can't wait to read about the BIG explosion... I was going to attempt to write something witty or inspirational, but decided against it. I hope and wish you all the success that you want. Your hubs have become more positive since the first. I hope that is a trend that continues.


myownworld profile image

myownworld 6 years ago from uk

you write with a lot of passion...and one can feel you through your words. keep that strong...and people will love whatever you write. (your forum posts are without doubt, brilliant!) best of luck with everything in your life....much love..


Sara Tonyn profile image

Sara Tonyn 6 years ago from Ohio, the Buckeye State

"And I’m so tired. God, I’m too young to be this tired! But this emotional roller coaster has been in crisis for over ten years. I realize that now; it’s just been one tragedy after another after another…I tell myself that’s life, but is it really? I see other people who don’t seem to have the unceasing string of deaths, deceit, and disruption that I’ve had. Am I just unlucky?"

Wow. Did I write that and just don't remember? Eerily similar story here. Lucky us, eh?!

Great series of hubs. Very well-written. I look forward to reading more...hopefully about happier times. :)


poetlorraine 6 years ago

you are very funny...... keep being assertive it suits you


ralwus 6 years ago

Well girl, it is called life. Many ups and downsies on the trip. All a matter of how ye deal with it. I choose to smile on my way as often as I can. Sometimes a pain unbearable can defeat that option, but please don't dwell on it. I am pleased to know ye a wee bit anyway and maybe given enough time we can be friends. a spider and a walrus. LOL ye can bite me anytime now, I am immune to venom as I am fat like a pig, even fatter. LOL Tough hide too, and a huge ol' heart. Much love and peace darlin' girl, CC


Sage Williams profile image

Sage Williams 6 years ago

Just got around to reading your hubs. I can't believe all that you have been through. I am happy that you are finding comfort here with the community on hub pages.

I just started myself about 3 weeks ago and feel the same way. There is a lot of great people here, that love to reach out and support.

I am anxious to read more of your hubs. Please do stick around. I find that writing is the best therapy of all.

Sage


lyricsingray 6 years ago

god I love your writing - bravo my girl indeed, love kimberly


Faybe Bay profile image

Faybe Bay 6 years ago from Florida

I've been there myself Glassspider. I get the nam now I think. God bless, continuing to the next chapter. Hoping it's getting even better now.


sophs 6 years ago

Glad things are continuing to get better, you're a great writer, so real, that's what I like about you. Sending you lots of positive smiles :) :) :) :)


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

On a hunch, I put on Carly Comando's "Everyday" and looped it before reading this segment and moving on. I was rewarded with a line like "while it is still tender and young, before it becomes that fiery green explosion of new life as Eliot’s cruelest month unleashes its final frigid—futile—bite as tiny green shoots and red buds burst forth!" to harmonize. ... click... next...


mega1 profile image

mega1 6 years ago

All this and you still have a since of humor. Well, there are lots of us, I guess who have gone through "a string of deaths and deceit and disruption" and at the very least you have a grand way of saying it. that phrase right there, if you never wrote another thing would put you in my personal hall of fame. so YES doing all the right things, you are.


mythbuster profile image

mythbuster 6 years ago from Utopia, Oz, You Decide

"B-O-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S," (related to assertiveness) TheGlassSpider...hurt at first but will show you more about what those around you think about respecting you...than any words they feed you. My best friends set aside times for 'boundary checking' with me - where we are both/all allowed to say whatever is honest. Sometimes this sucks but it always helps us to know where we stand with each other. We all have a bit of 'correcting' to do from time to time.

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