How to Date a Single Mom
Holding my firstborn
My Experience Of Being A Single Mother
Being a single parent myself and knowing what it was like to be dating a man who wasn't sure of my children. This made me be very aware and choose wisely the partner I would want around my children. This means adult children as well.
As a young woman I became a single mother when my son was still a boy of approximately 8 years old. I begin dating for the first time around 5 years after my divorce, and when my son was nearing his early teen years, still developing into what will eventually make a man out of him further down the road.
When I started dating again (which was very minimal) I wanted to be ready and healed emotionally from my previous marriage, which was also annulled through the Catholic church determining that it was never a marriage to begin with. He (my ex husband and sons biological father) never was a good husband and he was a terrible example of a father in my opinion. He ran from his responsibilities from being a father for a long, long time. He chose not to pay child support so he was always on the run. Then much later in life when he came to the Lord and wanted to make his child support payment he did so. Though this payment was only $180.00 dollars a month, hardly enough to carry your child's expenses. So obviously my son grew up without really knowing his father besides as a little boy of around 7 and younger.
After five years of being single and still young and attractive myself, I decided to start dating again and was ready for a new relationship. But I didn't realize with that new relationship it would cost me my relationship with my son, as well as his well being. I am not saying that the new man that I dated was a bad person, he just didn't know how to be a father figure when it came to my son.
So now I will be sharing my experience in what started out as a good relationship and ended up as a relationship that unfortunately caused bitterness and division within our household.
After one year of dating we did get married but I ignored all of the silent red flags, that this 'match made in Heaven' wasn't necessarily good for the well being of my son (growing pains of around 12 - 14 years of age) and what it would do to him as a result of seeking out my own happiness and not paying attention to the results and effect it would have on my son and all involved.
Would You Date A Single Parent
What are the pros and cons of dating them? Post your comments on the subject below the page.
Tip 1: What NOT To Do When Dating A Woman With Children
Never tell the mother what they are doing is wrong when it comes to raising their children. Respect their decision on how they choose to raise them. After all they have been doing it on their own they don't need someone coming along telling them what to do.
And unless they ask for your advice, try not to give it. The last thing a mother needs from a man (or frankly anyone) is them trying to tell them what to do. Worse yet to say that they are doing it all wrong by putting them down.
My Ex and I
Red Flags
Although I waited to date again after being single for five years I still made some mistakes, in regards to my son.
First of all the man I began dating was twenty five and I was thirty four years old and he also had children of his own. So the age difference really made it hard on my son and yet also on him. He wasn't ready to deal with a pre teen. He even questioned it working because of that fact alone. That was a red flag.
Another red flag is this new man in our lives needed a lot of attention and he sabotaged my relationship with my son at that time. Perhaps we both did without realizing it? And being that this relationship was so new and since I was still considered young by society and I had been alone for so long, I didn't take notice of what it was doing to my son internally. He was at a very delicate stage in his life trying to find his place here on earth and when a young boy is turning into a teenager he really needs a role model.
What made it really hard for my son is his father leaving and never showing an interest in knowing his son. He was alone with me and he had me to himself for five years. Then along comes this man who is very needy when it comes to attention that he actually rejects my son because he wanted all the attention.
Big mistake is to come off as though you are competing with the mother's attention with her children. Never expect the mother to put her children aside just for you. Instead think of creative ways to do things together until your relationship with her children is grounded.
Tip 2
Be careful not to show rejection or any indifference to her children. Be understanding that mother and child have been spending a good amount of time together without a man being present, or vice versa.
Also, understand the child was facing rejection by the father not being present in their lives. A child can often blame themselves for the breakup. Even if you have tried to show them it had nothing to do with them.
What a tragedy for the child to not feel accepted! Another form of rejection!
Effects of Parental Divorce on Children of Varying Ages
Age at Time of Divorce
| Initial Reactions
| Later Reactions (2 to 10 years)
|
|---|---|---|
Preschool (2.5 to 6 years)
| Are much more likely to blame themselves for the divorce; also likely to fear abandonment by the remaining parent. They may be confused, have fantasizes about reconciliation, and show difficulties in expressing their feelings. Early studies showed that boys had more problems than girls, but later studies have not confirmed this; rather, boys and girls have different kinds of problems as a result of the divorce
| Are more likely to have fewer memories of either their own or their parents’ earlier conflict; generally close to custodial parent and a competent step-parent. May feel anger at an unavailable non-custodial parent that prevents a strong adult relationship
|
Elementary School (7 to 12 years)
| Tend to express feelings of sadness, fear, and anger. They are less likely to blame themselves, but more likely to feel divided loyalties. They are better able to use extra-familial support. There is some support for placing children with their same-sex parent for best adjustment
| Tend to have the most difficulties in adapting to step-parenting and remarriage; may challenge family rules and regulations, and throw back “You’re not my real father/mother” during conflict. They tend to show decreased academic performance and disturbed peer relations to express feelings of sadness, fear, and anger. They are less likely to blame themselves, but more likely to feel divided loyalties. They are better able to use extra-familial support. There is some support for placing children with their same-sex parent for best adjustment
|
Adolescence (13 to 18 years)
| Show difficulty coping with anger, outrage, shame, and sadness; they are more likely to reexamine their own values, and may disengage from the family to do this
| Shares feelings of the 7 to 12 group but may not be able to express them. May fear long-term relationships with others, and show adjustment difficulties such as running away, truancy, and delinquency
|
Sources: Kelly, 1998; Amato, 1993; Hetherington, 1991; Wallerstein, 1991; Wallerstein and Blakeslee, 1989
Other studies have shown that problems resulting from the divorce last into adulthood, and often lead to poorer romantic relationships.
My niece and Her Son
If You Feel Like You Can't Handle The Child Or Children
Then it is best for all concerned not to go into the relationship any further for the sake of all concerned. Like I told you that even though I saw the red flags were there, I put those thoughts in the back of my mind and didn't pay much attention to them. I felt that within time things would change and he would accept my son eventually. BIG MISTAKE!
I saw my new husbands (ex husband now) doubts on being able to take on a teenager when we were first dating, especially because he was in his prime age of 25, and being younger than I was. Yet again I chose to quickly ignore these warning signs, feeling that these doubts of his would go away within time.
Not only did it NOT go away, it hurt me and it hurt my son that much more because he felt unwanted in life and became a lost soul. It got to the point where my son ran away and would rather be homeless then to stay with us, not feeling comfortable or welcomed by the man I married.
Because of the rejection that my son felt he began to act out in a very rebellious way and during this time I became pregnant with my second son, which only added to the stress of our relationship. Not because of the new baby but because my first born son was displaying a role of an extremely hostile and troubled teen, and unfortunately has even had long lasting repercussions into his adult life.
I do believe that my husband at that time really tried to accept this rebellious young teenager, but when my son started acting out instead he ended up with resentment towards him. Knowing this it only made me become a bitter woman toward my husband because I knew that he really didn't love my child the way he should have, or could have in all honesty. I wanted to know that my son was accepted by the man I married, and this want was never realized.
This was the starting point to our marriage where there 'was trouble in paradise' as they say.
Tip 3: If You Can't Accept Their Children Then Don't Go Any Further
Never tell your girlfriend or wife that you don't care for her children. This is a big NO! We know that you could never love them the way you would love your own but telling them straight up is like telling them that you don't love their parents either.
That is very painful for a woman to hear knowing that their own children's father walked out on them and now you are telling them something like that. Most single mothers want to protect their children from any form of indifference by a man.
Problems Do Arise
Yes problems will come within the family of ready made children. Are you committed enough to see it through? Will you do what it takes to help the troubled child or will it affect your relationship with their mother?
These are questions you have to ask yourself when courting a woman with children. A pastor once told me that it takes a 'very special kind of man' to even consider or want to take on the responsibilities of your children.
Not only did it affect my son I had two more children and they felt the brunt of the anger and bitterness of not everyone agreeing within the family unit.
He is no longer my husband. So my other two children were also left without a father so to speak. My ex never really realized what I was going through as a single mother until he started having problems with his own child from a previous marriage. The ironic thing is he is now with a woman and there for her with two of her own kids, yet not really there for his own until recent years (now spending time occasionally with our special needs daughter) since the loss of our son in the Spring of 2019.
If you want to make it work then you need to go into it with open eyes.
Tip 4:
Accept the fact that her children may not accept you right away. Don't automatically try to parent them by acting like a father. You also can't be their friend until they really know that you have their best interest in your heart.
This is a family that may be broken, if you can't handle challenges that come with along then I would forsake it before more hurt comes into each life.
Sacrifices & Commitment to see it through must be a first priority!
Do You love her enough to make it work? Acti
