Easy Ways to Know For Sure if You Are a Jerk or Not

Jerks are so large in numbers, books are written about them
Jerks are so large in numbers, books are written about them

NOTE: Ladies, relax. This story is not about you. So enjoy some “you time,” and take life easy. Kenneth

It’s time to get serious, guys. To step-up, man-up and be the men we ought to be. What am I getting at? I want to ask you a very sensitive and bold question: Are you a real jerk? No, you do not have to answer. It’s that I am very concerned right now because each evening when I watch the news, most of the time I see stories about the police arresting a jerk who has abused his wife or children and has lost their love and trust with his stupid actions.

Right now let me wax philosophical. I asked you men if you were a real jerk? Well, in all honesty, all of us guys have been real jerks at one time or the other somewhere in our lives, so do not come off in thinking that I am your judge and that I can walk on water. I was just interested if the number of jerks was on the rise or declining in our country.

Now. If you are a real jerk, there is help. No joke. And if you are not a real jerk, great. You are now dismissed to go about your “great guy” business. Real jerks, the help that I speak of is in this list below.

Easy Ways to Know If You Are a Real Jerk or Not

Jerk husbands doin't talk to their wives, they yell
Jerk husbands doin't talk to their wives, they yell
Jerk husbands are experts at ignoring their wives
Jerk husbands are experts at ignoring their wives
Two famous cartoon jerks
Two famous cartoon jerks
Jerk defined
Jerk defined
"I'm a man. You listen when I talk!
"I'm a man. You listen when I talk!
Busted! This isn't your wife. Right?
Busted! This isn't your wife. Right?
Some jerk husbands cheat on their wives in front of them
Some jerk husbands cheat on their wives in front of them
"What a doofus!"
"What a doofus!"
Can't you hear me???
Can't you hear me???
"I am the boss. Now go and get me a cup of coffee-- and YOU pay!
"I am the boss. Now go and get me a cup of coffee-- and YOU pay!
Steve Martin as "The Jerk," in the bathtub scene
Steve Martin as "The Jerk," in the bathtub scene
Ahhh, this is the life
Ahhh, this is the life
Steve Martin as the most- famous 'jerk' in his film: The Jerk
Steve Martin as the most- famous 'jerk' in his film: The Jerk
  1. Do you yell at your wife just to prove that you are a man?
  2. Do you threaten your children (through anger) to keep your place as “man of the house” intact?
  3. Do you like to tell your hard-working wife a pure lie and act sick so you can take a day off and hang-out with your pals?
  4. If your wife comes out with a few extra bucks from paying her share of the bills, do you grab it for yourself?
  5. Have you forgotten how to pay your devoted wife a simple compliment or your nice children a “proud of you?”
  6. Is your anger getting to be a problem when you are at home with your family and not with your co-workers?
  7. When a female friend asks your wife in front of you, “Why is your arm bruised?” And she gives the automatic, proverbial, cover-all answer: “I fell.” Then her friend asks, “On both arms?” What do you say? Nothing? You know the answer, but not man enough to own the abuse because you are a real jerk.
  8. When your kids ask if you can come to their program at school, you lie to them and say you have a big meeting at work, but when you get home, your son says that his best friend’s dad said you were in a bar drinking with friends during the time of his program.
  9. Do you constantly berate your wife in front of other friends?
  10. When you see a stray dog or cat on your property, do you shoot at it instead of calling your local Pet Shelter to come tend to it?
  11. Is sleeping late more important than taking your wife out of town on her birthday?
  12. When she, out of love for you, gives you a little constructive criticism, you throw a raging fit and put your fist into the wall? Your thinking is: You are man and a man should not be criticized by his wife.
  13. Do you watch your share of pornography and justify it by saying, “Hey, us guys need “that” extra sizzle after so many years of marriage.”
  14. Had you rather drink until you are drunk than listen to how your wife feels about a problem she is facing?
  15. Do you, for some reason, find ways to visit your neighbors because “Sandy,” the wife of “Bob,” is so hot? (Sometimes you stay so long that your wife calls you to come home which brings on a severe-cursing from you.)
  16. When you are engrossed with your favorite “male-based” show filled with partial-nudity, violence and other manly things, and your daughter wants you to look at her artwork, you yell, “Get outta here! I’ve had a tough day!”
  17. You forbid your wife from going to visit her mom.
  18. You openly-flirt with your wife’s younger sister who is really pretty. (Your wife has even caught you several times flirting with her on the phone).
  19. When volunteers for established-charities knock on your door, do you threaten them with bodily-harm if they do not leave.
  20. Do you find reasons to not come home right away after work, but instead go with a few pals to a strip club? Then lie to your wife by saying you were in a last-minute meeting.
  21. When you do finally agree to take your wife out to celebrate your anniversary, do you just throw on whatever clothes you can find in your closet?
  22. And when you get to the restaurant, do you walk in front of your wife and let the door close on her?
  23. Then you flirt with every woman, including the waitress, at will.
  24. When trick or treater’s ring your doorbell, do you reach into their bags and grab their candy and eat it in front of them while laughing like the cold-hearted jerk that you are?
  25. When an old Army pal visits you, do you get drunk and then kick your dogs to entertain him?
  26. Do you refuse to let your wife buy herself a car, although she works as many hours as you do?

I do hope that this is a serious wake-up call to the male jerks who have had it their way for so long.

I am not angry. I am just fed-up.

Future project: "Are There Such a Thing as Women Jerks?"

Look at a "real" jerk

Although the men in these vintage coffee ads are actors, there ARE men like them in our world called "jerks"

More by this Author

Comments 20 comments

KenyaPastures84 2 years ago from New York

Awesome topic

Adventuretravels profile image

Adventuretravels 2 years ago from London UK

I think this has to be a real wake up call for every jerk who reads hubs! (assuming there are some that is! ) Great hub.

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author


Wow! Thank you for your comment/compliment.

How are things in New York? Hope you are okay and having a great night.

Come back to see me and I invite you to follow me too.

I would appreciate it so much.

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Adventuretravels,

Thank you, dear friend, for your input with this piece. Most of the text is disguised comedy, but overall, simple truth.

I agree with you. Hopefully IF there are any jerks on HP, hopefully they are not any, they need to read this.

I published a female-counter-hub tonight with the same premise.

Just to be fair.

Thanks for your comment and stay in touch.

KenyaPastures84 2 years ago from New York

Hello Kenneth :) things in new york are well as i am also thank you! Hows Alabama treating you?!

KenyaPastures84 2 years ago from New York

Also would you be open to writing on a specific topic i chose?! Im currently going through your hubs love the one on a perfect woman

CrisSp profile image

CrisSp 2 years ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

Ahh, jerks! They are everywhere now....so, I thought this is the "jerk generation". Then, I saw your video clip on coffee. Considering that's an old clip, therefore, I conclude that it is innate for men to be jerks! And yes, some women too! *joke*

Fun read as always but hey, I don't believe chivalry is dead. :)

sheilamyers 2 years ago

Any man who does any of those things are more than jerks, but I won't use type the words in my head.

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, sheilamyers,

LOL. You are right. I respect you NOT typing the words in your head and I agree that any man who does these things ARE more than jerks. How about low-lifes?

Does that work for you?

Thanks for the comment. I loved it.

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Well, hi, CrisSp,

Where have you been for so long?

I have really missed you, so please do not stay away this long again.

I thought that that vintage jerk coffee clip would get the response that you wrote.

But in those days, talk about an ignorant society. But in another way, their ignorance made them blind.

Thank God most have changed.

And speaking as a man, and I cannot help it. LOL. I hope you do not think of ME as a jerk.

And if you do, I am sorry.

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, KenyaPastures84,

I would be very agreeable to it.

You just choose the topic, and Ipromise to give you my BEST effort.

And thank YOU so much for the following which I cherish, but the compliment on the perfect woman.

I do cherish all of my followers.

Thank you.

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author


Thank you sincerely for asking about how Alabama is treating me.

First, I am glad that New York is treating YOU okay. I am very glad.

Alabama is doing me right. They leave me alone and I leave them alone. LOL.

Seriously. I am glad to have YOU in my followng and as my new friend in New York. I see you as a very talented, sensitive, and intelligent peson who loves to write.

I wish someday that I could make it to New York to see the Ed Sullivan Theater where Late Night is taped.

And meet you and let you buy me a cup of New York coffee, e.g. Starbucks. Would that be okay?

But alas. I am disabled and cannot drive, so dream I might.

And yes, go ahead and let me know what topic you choose. I will be waiting.

Have a Safe weekend.

word55 profile image

word55 2 years ago from Chicago

Hey Ken this was very cool to write. I hope men will realize that they should be in control of themselves and take care of their responsibilities. You hit all the nails on the head. Thanks for sharing!

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, word55,

God bless you, my brother, for the nice remarks.

I appreciate YOU so much. You are one cool dude and I am thankful that you and I are friends.

May God bless you with a peaceful night.

vkwok profile image

vkwok 2 years ago from Hawaii

You raise some important issues in this hub. Thanks for sharing!

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, vkwok,

Really? Thanks for showing that to me. I appreciate you, my good friend.

JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 2 years ago from Central Oklahoma

Boy babies aren't born jerks. Some male relative or other authority figure has to teach them that "real" men are "entitled" to be cold-hearted and mean to females (even their daughters) and workplace underlings. That females are "less" than men. In many instances, however, they're just mimicking how their own fathers treated them, but that's not an excuse to "carry on the tradition". The circle has to be broken at some point.

That said, in a pefect world every man who exhibits such behavior should have "JERK!" tatooed on his forehead as a warning to women to avoid him like the plague. Too many jerks - aka ABUSERS - can be quite charming in the dating stage, and hide their real selves until they "hook" their "prey". Warning off potential mates before it's too late would also take most of the jerks out of the gene pool.

Great hub, Kennth! Upped and shared! ;D

kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Oct. 24, 11:50 p.m., cdst

Dear JamaGenee,

I could not agree with you more. I mean, it has come to this in our society when JERKS, like you say, shadow their JERK dads and so on and so on, hurt their wives or children and out of fear, the victims always shun turning the authorities on them.

I say weaken the law on wife and child abuse by a legally-married man to her and her children. If she exhibits bruises on any portion of her body, haul the JERK in and make hin stay awake for hour after hour of questioning until he breaks.

Oh, cries the bleeding heart. What about his rights? What about them?

Where were you when he was abusing ihis wife and kids?

And the JERK always plays on their sympathy by an I am sorry, hun-ee. I will do better.

JamaGenee, I do not want to offend you, but can you say CASTORATION?

Nuff said. Thank you, sweet friend for getting me riled up.

Have a great weekend and pray for me. My health is acting-up again. Thank you.

JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 2 years ago from Central Oklahoma

I know of a situation where a 6 ft, 300-lb JERK beat his 5 ft, 100-lb wife within an inch of her life. She'd managed to punch 911 before she passed out, but because she was unconscious when the cops arrived, they bought the husband's story that it was self-defense! Never mind he didn't have a mark on him as evidence that she'd attacked him. They charged HER with assault and battery, and after she got out of the hospital (with her jaw wired shut and one arm in a cast among other more minor injuries), they threw HER in jail for several weeks!

Unfortunately, this is only one of similar cases all across the country. Whichever spouse or Significant Other is conscious when the cops arrive is the one whose story they believe and base charges on. Oh, and Stand Your Ground laws DON't apply if a woman shoots "her" JERK to keep him from beating her to a pulp. Oh, no. Off to jail ya go, ma'am.

No, the word castration doesn't offend me. Sounds like a perfect solution to domestic abusers AND rapists.

Sorry your health is acting up again. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and hope it gets better SOON. ;D

Kenneth Avery 2 years ago

Oct. 25, 7:05 p.m., cdst


This is not only ridiculous, but sad. What a sham this law was as to not see the obvious. But I can take comfort, if the JERKS like him do not find true repentance, then the part of the scriputre that reads, "Be ye not deceived. God is NOT mocked. Whatsoever a man soweth, that he shall also reap." And oh, what a painful harvest that will be.

I appreciate you so much, JamaGenee. You cannot fathom just how much.

Thanks for the prayers and thoughts about my health. I appreciatre it and I will keep you posted and you take care and let me know what you are up to.

I Value Your Friendship so MUCH.

God bless you.

Your Friend for Life,


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