He's Friends with His Ex Wife, & His Current Wife HATES It!

Dear Veronica,

My ex wife and I have been divorced for ten years. We share 3 children, and see each other several times a week at the children's sporting events and activities, and at pick ups and drop offs. I get along great with my ex wife. I think we are great parents, and work together well to make sure our children are being raised with consistency. We have actually become friends in this process. I may not call her to talk about a problem at work I'm having, but if we are both at a school function, we can share a cup of coffee and a conversation very pleasantly.

My current wife is furious. She sees no reason for me to be friends with my ex. I've explained to her that I've known my ex wife for more than half my life, and that's its good for our children to see us working as a team. Yet my current wife is still furious about the situation. What are your thoughts on this?

Ron

*************

Dear Ron,

Well, after a few afternoon martinis, I have to tell you, I think your current wife is nuts. She is unreasonable, immature, irresponsible toward both you and your children, and she is insanely selfish. She knew you were a man with a past when she married you. She knew you had children. She should be proud of the kind of commitment you made to your children, and your ability to have worked so well with your ex wife to insure the children's best interest.

Based on the information you've given me, my thoughts are very clear.

But now I want you to think about the information you haven't given me.

Is there any chance that your current wife is picking up more then friendship and parenthood between you and your ex?

Let me ask you this: had you had an affair with your current wife prior to divorcing your first wife? Once a cheater, Ron... Your current wife may be lashing out at your friendship with your former wife, because she doesn't trust you. Have you given her any reason not to trust you? Have you cheated on her? Have you cheated with her? If you have, then she is valid in her fears.

Let me also ask you this: is your current wife considerably younger than you are? The behavior you described sounds terribly immature. This is a phenomenon that never ceases to amaze me. People are so attracted to younger partners. You could be a guy in his 40's, very attracted to some 22 year old chickie, for example. And you and this 22 year old get together and you think life is wonderful. Then, when you're 22 year old starts acting like a 22 year old, you're shocked. And appalled.

Ron, I have no idea why you and your ex got divorced or why your current wife is behaving so irrationally and immaturely. I have no way to know if your current wife is acting age appropriately or out of justified fear. I'm not accusing, or suggesting, or mocking. I'm just saying: think about the situation honestly, and try to be as honest as you can be with yourself regarding why the situation is what it is. If it really is as cut and dry as you've made it sound, then your current wife needs to consider getting some professional help.

And regardless of what becomes of your current marriage, you should be applauded for your commitment to your children's well being, and your ability to be friendly with the ex. I hope nothing changes that. You're an example to others. Good luck.

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All text is original content by Veronica.

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Comments 75 comments

Scott 9 years ago

Dude, your wife is being a jerk. I hope you know that. Veronica you are so funny wondering if more was going on with this guy than he said. but i guess its possible.


cheryl 9 years ago

You are now married to you current wife. You have no reason to be involved in any way with your ex. Divorce means it is over and done with. You have your visitation with your children time. You have no feelings for your new wife.


Miranda 9 years ago

Excellent article and excellent advice. There is something really wrong with your current wife for thinking you shouldn't be friends with the mother of your children. She needs some serious therapy. (And I think her name is cheryl.)


Dana 8 years ago

I will say you can be a good parent to your children without being a stand in husband for your ex. I would not be too thrilled if my husband started "hanging out" just for hanging out's sake with his Ex wife. they discuss everything they need to discuss during drop off's and pick up's. Of course, his ex is still madly in love with him so maybe THAT'S the reason it would bug me. Who knows. Excessive buddying around is not necessary and if there's a history there you are treading DANGEROUS ground. Somebody may wind up with the wrong idea and then feelings will get hurt.

I have a child with my husband and him ditching me and our child to hang with his Ex wouldn't work for me. We are the custodial paretns of his two daughters from his former marriage so there would be no reason for him to have to.


violet 8 years ago

I'm in a similar situation - my partner's ex still has a key to his house, they have each other over for barbecues every 2-3 weeks, they exchange birthday and Christmas presents ... and this has nothing to do with the kids, as they are grown and living lives of their own. It makes me wonder how he and I can move forward and have our own relationship, if she is still hanging around to such an extent. I think your current wife's fears need to be taken seriously.


cosmic observer 8 years ago

Hi Ron,

I am so very interested to hear some of the answers to Veronica's questions ... !!!where u at? come on


GARY 8 years ago

I split up with my ex 8 years ago, It took 4 years of hell before we finally started getting along, The reason it took so long was because we were still blaming each other for things that went wrong in the past. Since we both found new partners some 4 years ago we began to be able to see each other as friends. I think all that happened in the past become irrelvant as where we are now matters more.

I found it extremely unhealthy for my children when we did not get along, The difference since we have been frinds is amazing, Being able to work together to bring the kids up has helped us both. It's hard for another man to come into my childrens life and expect them to take as much notice as they do there Dad, This is where working together is so much more benifical. If my children are grounded by there mum the punishment contiunues when they are with me. This gives the children a much for stable life, To which I would say is one of the most important times when children are growing up, Stability. Having both parents on the same side helps achieve this.

My current partener is still insansley jealsous and hates it that we get along so well, Where as I wish all parents could be the same after a split.My Ex's current partner found it strange at first. But now he does not see it any other way, I consider hinm a friend and I hope he sees me the same. I go the extra distance to get along with hin as I have a great respect for him. He has taken on 2 of my children and now has one of his own. My kids thinks he's great, He works very hard. As a father I could not ask for a better person to be looking after my children when Im not around. Why would i want to upset this ? it would only damage the kids. Next year Me and my 2 kids are going to Disney Land, It worked out no more expensive to take a anotheradult. So I asked my ex's partner. He cant wait to go with us.

I think people look at things wrong, My ex now has a 1 year son with her new partner, I was askedto loked after there new baby and my 2 kids while they got a night out, He could not of thanked me enough for doing this. It was then I pointed out he does this for me everyday. Not such a big thing I done really is it. I think people need to have a much more open view of how we can all work together to give the children the happiest and most stable upbringing we can. All the time they lead completely separate lives with the Mother and Father this will never happen.

I have to add I have no will inside me to get back with my Ex and she has no will to get back with me, We are both happier with out current lives than we where together, b ut seeing the difference it made to our cildren when we got along is something that made me regret waiting 4 years before we could be friends.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Gary,

That new baby is a sibling to your children. It is so great that you babysit, and see all the children together sometimes. Your children are so very lucky to have you. What beautiful and healthy life lessons you're giving them, in everything from acceptance and tolerance, to teamwork and and maturity. So many other people in your situation would be teaching their children pettiness, jealousy, and other crippling immature emotions.

You should be applauded.

Thank you so much for sharing your story here, you're an example to everyone who visits.

 


nomi 7 years ago

I feel there is a way to co parent happy children without being tooooo chummy with the ex. I am the currently girlfriend of a divorced man with children and I would not be comfortable with a relationship between he and his ex that was not STRICTLY about the children..has nothing to do with insecurities but exes are exes for a reason...focus on the new marriage and making that a trust filled relationship


\Brenda Scully 7 years ago

it made for great reading I have to say


liz 7 years ago

I just ended 5 yr relationship where ex-wife would not let go of him, even though she has been remarried 2x after him. He spent 6 yrs single after their divorce with no other girlfriend. They got back together several times between the new husbands and it always failed. Yet they insist "we are just friends for the kids". All the marriages and breakups are not healthy for the kids. Ultimately, our relationship ended because he will not move away from ex-wife. P.S. "kids" are 25, 23, 18


pageantgirl31413 profile image

pageantgirl31413 7 years ago from England

I would pray that I would be friends with my ex husband if it came to that. My parents were in no way friends and it really hurt my childhood. It was a constant battle between the two on who screwed things up and who's to blame. I don't know what's truth from either of them. The current wife needs to grow up. It's really not her place since this has to do with children.


N8tiveH3art profile image

N8tiveH3art 7 years ago

I would hope that all parents, regardless of marital status, would at least have a parenting relationship with each other. Can you imagine being a child and watching how your parents are with each other? Sure, divorce is more prevalent these days, it's easier to obtain, but once you have a child, their happiness should come first.

I've seen up close how it works, exes who are married to different people and dating others and the children are happier too, especially when they see it working with the ones they will eventually emulate.

The "new" wives should think about this, if you had a child with your current husband and it didn't work out, would you still be posting these comments?


Ricky  7 years ago

I think it's great that people can be friends with their exs for the sake of their kids. That being said, it's not for everyone and won't work out for everyones partner. I've been divorced for a year and it was an awful relationship and she left me and te wounds are still there, one thing is that she just thinks it's like when we were seperated when something doesn't go her way she can say "forget about seeing your son he doesn't need you". I have my son 7 days out of the month (we live two and a half hours apart) and have gone over that several times for her, but she doesn't see it that way. Don't get me wrong I love my son, but it is hard for me to pay $350 a month in child support and take him almost half the time. I go to college fulltime and work part time and I'm a young kid (21), so it's just not good.

What I'm getting at is that I've told her she's just not good for me and I don't want to be friends or nice just civil, period. I pay my dues, I'm the only one who buys him clothing, I think I'm getting shafted here and she wants to be friends?

Do friends do that to one another? No, and the wounds are still too fresh and I really don't miss her so I don't understand why the problem.

Oh and how hard is it to be civil with your wife but not friends? Really, people... She might be a little immature, but at the same time if it would make her happier make a compermise, you're really going to choose your divorcee over your current wife? I'm sorry, but it's not like asking you to choose your kids over her.


Anamika S profile image

Anamika S 7 years ago from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India

This is not a new situation. Many woman (Girlfriends or wives) do feel insecure or jealous when they see that their man is friendly with his ex. But no relationship is worth it without the trust factor.


Sharri 7 years ago

My problem with the ex-wife is that she has Full Custody of their "son" and I get to have their "son" in my home every weekend and he is with my husband's parents every school vacation. Just when does she look aftr her own child? I thought Full custody meant just that. 99.9% of the time the children are in the parent's care/home/sleeping in their own rooms, beds with full custodial parent. - Don't know if he is biologically my husband's as she slept around continuous during their courting, marriage days.My husband sees nothing wrong with this arrangement and it is causing trouble, lack of privacy and an invasion of our home. Divorced people should be grateful to get a second chance by having someone prepared to marry them knowing they have baggage and are used goods. Divorced people who find new partners and remarry should have a responsibility to their new spouse, children born from that marriage and keep a healthy balance. Life cannot go on as it did before when they were still married. The ex-wife has a new partner who she left my husband for and is as free as a bird. What about our lives? I have spoken to my husband and I am afraid this marriage / relationship is not going to last as I refuse to play second fiddle. I deserve respect and loyalty as he is now married to me. If he does not find a solution and take his ex on regarding the excessive babysitting and her lack of looking after the child, I will pack my bags with our children and leave him without looking back. He cannot have his cake and eat it. I could/should have rather married a single man as I was a single woman e=with no baggage and he should be honoured. Problem was that he lied to me when wanting to get a commitment from me that his ex-wife and child will not feature in our marriage as the child is Full custody with his ex. He pays his maintenance and he can visit/phone his child but I now want nothing to do with it. It is a mess because males are cowards and cannot stand up to their exe's, especially that she-devil. He should be impressing me not his ex by taking the child off her hands. She must be enjoying her relationship with so much freedom and she must take her responsibility of Sole Custody seriously. If I knew this was how my life was going to be never feeling private in my own home I would never have married him. Ex's are just that ex's. This best friend nonsense when diovrced is a joke. If they had worked on their relationship/friendship in marriage they wld not have got divorced so they must not start their friendship nonsense now unless it is a guise to get back together again.


quin browne 7 years ago

full custody means you are the primary custodian, and have the children more than 51% of the time. it usually covers things along the lines of the 'custodial' parent decides schools, doctors, etc.

i, for one, would LOVE for my ex to get his head out of his ass and be polite to me. he left me, not the other way around. i raised our five kids on my own (full custody) and he had liberal visitation... which he never took. now, our kids are older, getting married, and one is preggers... when we are together for various events (holidays, weddings, etc) he pretends i'm not there.

the reason this has not had a huge effect on our children is that i never played the blame game. step parents who are jealous of the old spouse because they get along are insane. what it comes down to is this, "what is in the best interest of the child". it is about the children, people, not your own silly egos. if it is better for the kids to see mom and dad being cordial to each other, that is what it should be. any adult knows the lines not to cross, don't go there... just be polite and kind to each other for your kids sake.

even if your ex left you for another person, be polite to that person, too.. it makes you the better for it, and it keeps your kids from holding their breath every time the group gets together.

veronica said it right. i'm just adding my two cents.

quin


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Thanks Quin.

I feel so sorry for Sharri's poor husband. Wow.


Unknown 6 years ago

Alright. If I was married to someone for several years, we had children together, shared a life together, but then divorced, and got re-married, I would not out of respect for my spouse have drinks or socialize with my ex in any way without my new marriage mate. How would you feel if your spouse was having drinks and socializing with (not with the kids) someone that they had sex with for years, and once had a passion and love for one another? Divorce is hard on kids, don't you think it's confusing for kids to see their parents split and have new mates, then for the two to start having coffee just chatting together, and see them both getting a long like they did when they were married? This is very disturbing. Divorce means that the two people no longer wish to be together. If you want to get a long with your ex, and have a "coffee" with her, please be a gentleman and bring your WIFE along with you. You two are ONE now. That is what marriage means. Another thing.....This is completely disrespectful of you, and this "Veronica" person. Your WIFE is the woman in your life you are supposed to be caring for, not going on Internet Website's and letting people bash her. I feel sorry for your wife, she is entitled to her feelings and you are throwing her to the wolves on Internet sites. For gods sake, respect your wife and her thoughts and emotions more. If your wife is uncomfortable with you socializing with your ex, you need to consider her feelings, thats what real husbands are supposed to do. I'm starting to see why your a divorced man.....


Unknown 6 years ago

Just one more thing. The way he calls his wife "current wife" like hes leasing a car and hes going to replace it once hes run up with miles. Your wife should not be current to you, should she be permanent. How about you start using her official title...My Wife. There should be no other label. She has that right.


Mamelody profile image

Mamelody 6 years ago

see this is why it is never a good idea to get together with a man that has kids. I personally would probably behave the exact same way as your wife as for me divorce means its all over, just drop the kids, pick me 'up and let it be.. I mean, what's the point of being friends with an ex when you could have been friends while you were together?? So no she's not being childish but you as the husband must know that you cant get friendly with your ex as it always will cause problems with your current relationship. Good hub girl, you get a thumbs up from me xx


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Mamelody,

Thanks! You reiterate a great point. If you don't think you can handle the history and baggage, don't get involved with a guy with kids.


Maria 6 years ago

Veronica are you married and have children?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thanks Peter for your email. Your answer is in it's own hub:

http://hubpages.com/relationships/Certain-GuysGirl...


Natalie  6 years ago

My Ex and I 2 daughters. His wife will not let me have his contact number I have to call her and she will pass on a message. He is not aloud to pick up our children if she is not with him. I find this situation really difficult my girls cant call their Dad they have to call her pass on the message and wait for him to call back with his phone on private. I am not sure how to handle this situation if I do anything she will stop him seeing the girls. I think if a women marries a man with children they need to accept that they still need to be a father.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Natalie,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. What in the hell is wrong with your ex-husband allowing his new wife to have such ridiculous control over his life? Obviously there is something wrong with this woman, completely insecure and controlling and having no respect for her husband or his children. But this is really your husbands' responsibility. What is wrong with him, that he lets this happen, and his daughters can't even call him?


Jen 6 years ago

I have 3 kids from my 2 previous marriages I love my husband he gives me my place but when it comes to his ex I am not sure, she doesn't call often but I notice how his voice changes when they talk, to me you don't talk to a friend that way only to a special woman in other words ME,I like her as a person but I don't like the relationship she has with my husband, she doesn't include me only probably out of respect, but when she contacts my husband which is like 6 times a year they are on the phone talking and talking for more than an hour before and after their child passed away, I have tried to be understanding, but the closeness they have can't be broken, I don't want to break a friendship but I can't accept that type of friendship... at the beggining of the loss of their child I felt she was too concentrated on my husband transfering the love for her child to him, which is not appropiate because she has her husband and children with him and also it is very uncomfortable when she talks about the past they had or the way my husband is (personality) his likes and dislikes and also how she refers to him as my exhusband. lately we've had arguments with my husband about it, he can't handle a relationship with any of my children's fathers but I do have to put up with this woman, I also am hurt because I look at it as it not being fair to me, because my first husband was abusive and left my 2 children and I and he didn't pay support so I raise them and worked, I shed lots of tears at seeing my children lost but I tried then my 2 marriage lied to me when I found out he was a lazy man who ddn't like to work I was already deep in the relationship and had a child with him and now after trying to stand tall and always looking for my inner strength to fight for my children's sake working hard and facing the world, after all this I think I found the man of my life BUT I don't feel he is giving me my whole place in his life, I hurt because I feel he is not fully mine like I am his, I have given him his place in my life talk to my exes like once a year or every 2 years and I am not interested on contacting them. don't care about because to me if it didn't work out then it was because they didn't love me enough. oo when they separated she wasn't the best woman in the world, she changed, they were separated for 15 yrs and he had some friends with benefits no real relationship until he found me. So it's not right you are too friendly with your ex, being friends for the sake of the children I would say is ok but yeah you are acting like you have the other type of realtionship. My husbands ex has never called my home and she has the number she always calls my husband's cell. I think even though she will never accept she had unfinish business with him and now she is just too use to him being there, so what am I then?

almost forgot to mention we have a 1 yr old baby together whom he should put first now while never forgetting about his other child, I am fed up with them channelling their love for their child to each other


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Jen

I wish you the best with your situation. I imagine that the loss of a child fucks with alot of aspects of a person's rationale. I feel badly for both your husband and his ex. Your right: the focus needs ot be on his 1 year old with you. A major red flag in this is that he understands the connections of the past because of his own, yet he can't give you the same respect and courtesy regarding your relationships with your ex's. That's really not healthy or fair.

The thing you need to remember is that your relationship, bond, and commitment is with your husband. Not his ex. If you are hurt or upset, and I can see why you would be, please try to keep your focus on the person who has actually disappointed you, and that's you're husband, not his ex. It was his job to handle this better, it's his responsibility to correct this.

My advice to you is to tell him you need to have a sit down very-real conversation with him about values and priorities. you need to let him know exactly how his decisions are making you feel. He needs to understand you won' t continue to put up with that disrespectfulness. He has to make the consious effot to work at this and to meet you half way. You can do it without ultimatum or nagging. Just be clear, and follow through with your plans. Good luck to you.


Jane Doe 6 years ago

My husband was friends with his exwife. Now that we are getting a divorce because she always interferred in our marriage. Now, his exwife moved in with him after I left him 4 months ago.


Caroline 6 years ago

Me Ex partner and i split up just over a year now,(I left him) i have been with my new partner a year. The Ex has a new partner which he has been with 8 mths. We have 2 children together. When he first got with her we had just got through a rough patch and things had started to calm down. 5 weeks into their relationship something came up which caused me and the ex to have a row,(as yo do when splitting up) we sorted this out but i was then told by my Ex that from now on his new GF thinks it would be best that only i communicated with her about the kids and not him. I was shocked that the father of my children and ex partner of 15 years thought this would be best. I kept trying to sort this out with him but the more i tried the more the new GF would text me and tried to communicate with me. Eventually all communication between me and the ex broke down. Then hell broke out really, courts ect. We have now started to communicate again and he is having the kids every other weekend but now i feel there is a new problem coming as he use to come into my home to pick and drop of the kids and we could talk about what we needed to concerning the children. But the NG does not like him coming into my flat and he now has asked if the children can comedown to the car park to be picked up!. I really do feel that the women who get with men who have children with other women should really think hard when they take on this life, as it cant be all about them. The children need to come first and seeing that mum and dad can talk and be nice and friendly to each other is teaching them skills on how to deal with break ups in life and how to move forward. I would really like to know if these women who fall for men would like it if they found themselves a few years down the line with children and his NG should be the one whom they talk to about the kids and not the father of her child.

Ex's are Ex's but parents will always be parents.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Caroline,

You're right. I'm sorry you and your children have to deal with your Ex prioritizing his new gf's control and shit, over his time and relationship with his children. It says alot about your Ex that he made such a choice.


Sue 6 years ago

I do wonder, are the husbands sending the right messages to the “new wife or girlfriend” and are the exes being respectful of the “new wife or girlfriend”? My husband has two exes with whom he has a son with each. This is actually one area that I’ve never had an issue with my husband as the relationships were definitely over with no loose emotional ends to tie up. I actually socialize with both women, they’ve been to my home, I’ve been in theirs and their spouses get along well with my husband so we are all at ease and there have never been any underlying currents. But I think everyone needs to be fair in this situation. Obviously the new woman doesn’t get to take over and make all the rules as she has walked into this relationship knowing that there is an ex and children. BUT the husband and the ex wife (or wife and ex, if we are talking about a man) need to respect her position also…for example, this would mean phone conversations do not have to be private, she should be able to sit there and listen to his end and not feel uncomfortable, meetings have to be open, not secretive, that sort of thing. I guess I’m saying there need to be boundaries. What was once yours is no longer yours and yes, you have children together and those children need to see a civil relationship but that would not include making lots of private jokes or innuendos that would make a new spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend feel left out (and yes, we women sometimes tend to get a bit catty with each other..) and honestly, I would guess that if your relationship with a “new” person is growing that you naturally will spend less time with an ex if that were the situation…I don’t think that most people feel jealous when they are comfortable with a situation. I think it’s when there is some unknown or something that “just doesn’t seem right” that the jealous really starts to flare up. I would argue that yes, a new spouse/love is walking in with open eyes but you need to keep in mind that if you are bringing a new person into a situation, a person you care about you need to make this new person a priority also, to help this person fit into the situation and be good with it and to make it healthy for them also. And if this means calling up your ex and laying down some ground rules that are completely reasonable and fair, not stupid immature things, then do it and both of you respect them. Now if you are doing all those things and someone is just jealous because it’s an ex, well then that is their problem and they need to deal with it. Like I said I’ve never had problems with the exes but I have never once gotten the feeling that there was any unfinished business between either of them or my husband and I do believe that is exactly why everything worked out as well as it has for me.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Excellent comment Sue. Thanks for adding this.


Lisa  6 years ago

The real, underlying problem that no one has talked about here is that lengthy conversations and meet-ups with a former intimate partner, formerly married, or not, keeps an inappropriate emotional relationship going (not unlike polyamory). Or, it can pick back up again after the dust has settled post-divorce. What does that mean for the new person? It means they have only a part-time emotional relationship available to them in their partner in what should be a "whole" marriage. You might as well be having an affair with a married man. People do not set boundaries, they don't care to set boundaries for the good of all, they want their cake and eat it too, and they like the way it feels to have several emotional feeds. Just like an affair. It feels just like that to a new partner and it is incredibly miserable and not worth it. And, of course, the person basking in the emotional glow of it all could care less about the new person's feelings because they are not experiencing that (or would refuse to if the situation is reversed). I have been a wife of 16 years, an ex-wife with a child, a single woman, a person hit on for affairs by married men (I refused), and a new girlfriend and second wife/step parent. I also have been a child of divorce. I have been in everyone's shoes and I have to say unequivocally I am on the side of the new wife of this post. Those two idiots who are chatting away with each other at the expense of their marriages using the children as their reason (and patting themselves on the back for what wonderful parents they are) are very selfish. I don't believe there are not underlying motives. There is no need to take it as far as they have. I am sorry for your pain, dear. I also agree that anyone willing to marry their sorry asses with all that baggage should be appreciated. Divorced people in the dating world act like their needs are the only ones that count, and the new person is supposed to kiss their feet and not ask for anything in return because THEIR families are fine and great; it's YOU that has the problem. Makes me crazy.


Nicole 6 years ago

my boyfriend and I were together for 8 yrs when we split up.we have a 4 yr old together. unfortunatly I started dated a co-worker as a rebound. I got pregnant with him and we have a 1 yr old. we split up and my long time boyfrind has helped me raise her. (he wasn't there for her first year because of the military.) after doing a lot of soul searching I realized I wanted to get back with my long time boyfriend. the co-worker ex and I are good friends with no intentions of ever getting back together. on either end. my long time boyfriend hates that we're friends. we chat most days about how we're doing and can confide in each other. I guess I want my cake and eat it too. my friend thinks my boyfriend should grow up but I understand it tears him up inside. I'll do what ever it takes to fix my family but he is a good friend to me and I'd like to keep it that way. is that possible? what should I do?


bluedevil 6 years ago

Ok, So I must admit that I am surprised at some of the responses here. It seems to me that everyone is pointing the finger at the new girlfriend or new wife as being the selfish or controlling one. But who here is really the selfish one? How about the man or woman with the ex and kids that doesn't tell the new partner outright that they are not the priority in their life. My fiancée and I have been together for almost two years, and he has two beautiful girls from his first marriage, girls that I consider my own. His ex and I get along, and he and his ex communicate with each other well. But if there was ever a point that I felt that I, as the new wife, was not on a priority level higher than the ex wife, then obviously there is a problem.

I've seen the comment, once a parent, always a parent. I agree, But being a parent does not mean that you have to make your new partner feel as though they are less important than the ex. Someone mentioned that if a person could not be friends with the ex when they were together, then why is it so important now? There is generally a reason why a relationship fails, and it takes both sides. I have been accused of being controlling by my fiancees ex, but I can't help but wonder if she's unhappy that I have succeeded where she so clearly failed. My fiancée and I actually talk with each other about anything that comes up concerning the girls, and when we have a solution that we come up with together, we take that to the ex to see her opinion on it. Now if that's selfish, then perhaps I am. To me, it just our relationship functioning in the way a happy relationship should function, with all parties working on the same page and towards the same goal.


New Wife 6 years ago

I've read what everyone has had to post. I happen to agree, most people are blaming the GF or new wife. Bluedevil makes the best point.

I have been married 8 months. Both of us are on our second marriage. He has a child. I don't have any. He and I both left our spouses for each other.

I moved in with him shortly after he left his wife. At first, I understood the constant phone calls. They had been married 16 years. I thought to myself after being with someone that long, it's a little hard to get used to doing things on your own. I was fine with it. I treated his son as if he were my own.

Fast forward 3 years, she was still contacting him about issues in her home she needed repaired, her nights out with her girlfriends, the people she's been in touch with which know the two of them and what pushed me over the edge was her phone call to him about what the mechanic wanted to do to repair her car. You may think this is minor but it isn't. What I haven't told you is she's been to our home, entered the home without knocking, made unnecesary comments about how wonderful my husband is for still taking care of her when she has no one and several other things I let roll off my shoulders.

Well, the car call was to end it all for me. I sent her an email to her work telling her not to contact my husband unless it had to do with the well-being of their child. And perhaps I could have been a little more pleasant but I also told her to get a life. She, in turn, calls my husband, after I told her not to, and gets into an argument with him. My husband was unaware of the email.

I had sent the email to her job so her son would not read it. I wasn't sure if he had access to his mother's account. To this day, I don't know what was discussed because my husband chose not to talk about the conversation with his ex. Her phone calls have ended. At least during the times I spend with my husband, nights and weekends.

I found out last night his son wanted to have dinner with his mother and father to celebrate father's day, ommitting me. I understand a child wants his parents to be together, or at least have a decent releationship with one another. I get that... I don't have a problem with that. The killer for me is she told their son about the email. This in turn has upset him and changed the balance of the relationship I had developed with him. I thought he would have come to me with questions as to why this has happened, but I am wrong. So, I am now back to square one with him and I have to explain my actions to a 16 year old.

Needless to say, I got into an argument with my husband about his ex and child. I tried to impress on my husband what happened between his ex and I should have remainded a conversation within 3 adults, she, my husband and I. I felt there was no need to bring his son into it and she was in fact diminishing anything I have tried to build with his son. His response was, "I'm tired of getting yelled at by everyone. I am 45 years old and don't have to deal with this."

When I went into the relationship with him, I knew she would always be apart of his life because of their son. I knew there were certain things I would have to accept and look away from. But after being with him for 3 1/2 years, things have not gotten any easier. When do I, as his wife, say enough is enough without having it effect his son? Am I wrong for believing there are situations in which kids should have no knowledge of?

I was brought up to believe, children, regardless of age, should not know about household money situations, adult arguments or problems which do not concern them. My husband's take, I was very fortunate to grow up in a household like that....

It truly is trying and I'm at wits end. I don't think justifying my actions should be necessary but because his ex has put their son in the middle of the situation, I have no choice. As far as my husband is concerned, I feel he is trying to pasify his ex and myself...

So, here I am... Wondering how to smooth out a situation when I don't feel I am in the wrong. Wondering if I should even bother because I feel there are two forces against me... His ex and my husband... Wondering if perhaps, I should just let it roll off my shoulders and ignore the hurt and pain I feel in this situation...

His ex has put a strain on our relationship. I think I've been very passaive about many situations and think I'm loving, caring and generous where his son is concerned. I just don't know what to do...,


What??? 6 years ago

Sharri, I'm sorry, but YOU really sound like you had a very hard life before you met your husband if you are so against him having visitation with his son. It really sounds like you have a lot of emotional baggage, as apparently you have a serious emotionally charged past that keeps you from separating your husband's desire to be with his child with being with his ex. The child staying at your house is visitation, and every father should stand up and be real men who want to be with their children as your husband did. Your comments sound like you do not like having the child around at all. As for the ex, no she should not have anything to do with your lives, and it really does not sound like she does. Maybe I misunderstand, but you are right, neither you nor your husband should have gotten involved with someone with so much "baggage", emotional or otherwise.


foreign wife 6 years ago

When I came in to this country to marry my husband, I must admit that I was not prepared for the issues and baggage that comes with marrying a man with several children. I have one of my own, and before my daughter and I arrived, I sat down my child and told her that she must extend to my husband all the respect, love, and consideration that she is currently giving me. I've raised my child to be the best possible person that she can be, and she understood my request and agreed to it. So when we came here, my husband's children were all living with his ex, and my child lived with my husband and I. My husband was so strict with my child, I didn't understand it then, but I supported it thinking that this is how he raised his children, and I his wife should present a united front to our children to set an example. A year into our marriage, my husband's second child moved in with us, my daughter was about to move out to go to college at this time. My husband completely ate all his words, not instilling discipline. His child can come and go as she pleases, would not help with housework, and sometimes would ignore me, and would ask her father for everything,even though some things in question are my personal property.(like my car and computer). This has become a source of hell for me for the past two years, I would come home from work, with dishes piled high in the sink, there are no more bath towels in the bathroom because she's used them all up, won't wash them and expect me to wash them. I brought this all up to my husband's attention, and he would be angry at me, he said if he made his daughter do household chores, she would leave the house, and i would have to answer for it.Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore, one time...we had an argument that has nothing to do with his child, and I decided that I need to leave the house to think, I pack some of my clothes and left. Two hours upon leaving our house, i received a text from his daughter telling me that I was ungrateful, because after her father brought me to this country, paid for my education, paid for all my stuff etc, etc, this is what i will do to him. Aside from the fact that, all these that she is saying is none of her business, because we are husbands and wife, and I thought, supporting each other is part of that deal...none of it was true, I was the one who elected to come to this country because he will not have a chance of getting a job in mine due to the language barrier that he is unwilling to learn, I paid for my own education and all the expenses that came with it. To make the long story short, my husband asked me to come back, I told him I won't come back until he sat his daughter down and set her straight, he agreed. When the time came for us to have a meeting, his daughter was not sorry at all, she told me to my face that I scammed her dad, and that I was a mail order bride. This hurt me beyond anything, and I could not say anything, my husband just sat there not saying anything, and this hurt me even more. His child left the house, and would not want anything to do with me. A few days ago, I accidentally opened my husband's email, and found out that he was talking to his ex about how he is going to take his daughter shopping, buy her a new GPS, and pay for some camp that she wants to go to,(we are talking about a 19 year old woman here). I talked to him in the calmest way possible, how he expects to spend several hundred dollars without planning on telling me, but he sure has no problem telling his ex about it.He blew his top off telling me I have no business going through his email and reading them...I was thinking, he told me before that i was free to check any emails that he has because we are now one. My friends tell me to just let it go. when i entered into this marriage, I jumped with both feet in, but my husband doesn't seem to be willing to do the same thing. Now in this case, i ask you, is a parent always a parent? After the insults that his daughter has dished me, how am I going to handle the relationship that they are having without including me?


Rich 6 years ago

working


Richard 6 years ago

Dear Veronica,

I have a four yr old son and have separated with his mum for the past 2.5 years.

We have shared parental responsibility, and I have him exactly half the week.

I have had a new girlfriend for the past 1.5 yrs who also has 2 boys from a previous relationship. I have a good relationship with their father even though he has his issues. I believe its important for the boys to see us getting along. My girlfriend however has a completely different attitude when it involves my ex.

My parents have a good relationship with my former girlfriend. Our son is just 4 and utterly adores his grandparents.

On days when I don’t have my son he sometimes asks my parents go out for the day with him which some times includes him mum. I don’t have a major problem with this but my now girlfriend goes bananas about it and says its totally abnormal. My parents disagree and this is causing a massive rift between us all.

Of course this story could be a lot thicker that this, and I could go on about other instances. But I firmly believe my girlfriend is acting insanely jellious. Its getting to the point where I feel comfortable taking a call from my son whilst he’s with his mum for fear of the reaction from the new girlfriend.

What do you think?

Richard


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Rich,

It's absolutely great that you are friendly with the father of your girlfriend's kids. And it is fantastic that your kids adore their grandparents: I believe that is an undervalued relationship for many people and I am working on an article by request regarding that.

Your girlfriend is 100% wrong. It is in no way abnormal for your children to want to be with family. Your family is complex, but nonetheless, it is their family. Your parents wanting to be with the kids with their mother at the same time is wonderfully exemplary to your children of several things. One is that no matter who isn't dating whom anymore, no one "broke up" with them. The kids have everyone in their lives that they did before. It also shows your children how true adults behave when they are mature, intelligent, and loving.

What strikes me as odd is your girlfriend's jealousy over situations that don't even include you, like your parents and ex being together. She has no right to try to harm your children in that way.

Richard, your first priority is your children. You have done a great job at that so far, insuring that they feel safe and loved. I can guarantee you going forward with your girlfriend if she can't get her jealousy in check right now, it will drive a wedge between you and your children that you will never be able to repair. Already you are hesitant to accept a phone call from your son depending on whom he's with? Are you kidding me? That's bad. And you know it. The gf can grow up or move along. Good luck to you.


Jodi 6 years ago

Your poor wife!!! All these people can voice their shit, but have they been in the same situation? Wow, your great parents good for you, but your kids will grow up and have lives of their own and you will have no one because of the disrespect you have shown your current wife. No, you do not sit and have coffee with an ex. How would you feel? Even if you disagree you need to make her feel secure and loved from you. Listen to her and make it work where everyone is happy. Your life with your ex is over and you need to cut the ties you are trying to have a new life with someone else.


New wife 6 years ago

Hey, Veronica

Okay here is the prob, my husband ex was married for the past 3 years of them being divorced,they were married for 10yrs, mind they hv 5 kid together. She never came around to see them or to take them out for a movie, or video games.. Now all of sudden she's getting divorced frm husband #2, i dnt have a prob with her but why shld u chose to come over when im @ wrk, i find that weird.. It pisses me off. You left your family for sm1 else whom you thought was good. Come to find out he cheated on you and took your wedding ring away, and did many other things to you, now you miss the man who only loved you... I dnt want you near my house, ur sneaky stay away..... When you come over its not to see the kids or pay child support, it's to tlk w/ my man about ur prob's i dnt think so... Am i wrong Veronica?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

New wife,

Nope, I don't think you're wrong at all. But you haven't mentioned how your husband feels about her coming by when you aren't there to talk to him about her problems. I still maintain that it's healthy and sets an excellent example for the kids if your husband can be friends with his ex. But that does not mean you should be disrespected or excluded. You should talk to your husband about this. If he's encouraging her to come by when you aren't there to talk to him, then you have a problem.


CindiL 6 years ago

I agree with Veronica the new wife is selfish. I met my ex also Ron at 15 and we divorced at 40. We have two children together. We remained friends becuase of the kids. I didn't call him up to see how his day was or anything like that. If I called him at all and that was it was rare, it only pertained to our children. He remarried about two years ago and when he met her his involvement with our children dropped off a great deal. They are now 21 & 24 and only receives a text message from him saying hi!. His new wife is so crazy she put my son on speaker phone last week when he tried to talk to his dad. This is a woman that spends time at her local church donates free time for others. Yet she wants my ex never to speak to me or rarely his own kids. I feel that is wrong I don't need to talk to him now that they are older but it's sad how the second wife can be so cruel and controling that the husbands become weak an heartless.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

CindiL,

I'm sorry you have to see your kids go through this. If you were once married to this man you'd think you could have a civilized adult conversation with him, just to say hi. I realize that's not what you were saying, but it is what I am saying. This new wife over controlling "leave the past in the past" thing is really scary and sad. A man should always have the common decency to prioritize his children over a paranoid woman.


Ingrid 6 years ago

My ex and I divorced and have one son. He was a good dad and we got along well, even going on family holidays, family days out etc. He showed interest in our son's well-being and always made sure he contributed. For both of us having new relationships were sacrafised because we felt that despite not being married or living together any more, our child deserved a happy childhood. Then it all changed. My ex met a woman who had 7 kids of her own. She was jealous of my ex spending time with our son and made his life hell. He suddenly stopped seeing our son altogether. It was heartbreaking because my son thought it was all his fault. I had to approach CSA and then starting getting threats from the ex that he would not pay and leave his job. It was the strangest thing I had ever encountered, a man turning his back on his child so suddenly for a woman. I respect any man who makes an effort to make his children happy and who tries to make a stable life for them despite divorce. I have come to dislike my ex for what he has done to my child and to me, and people do change when significant others enter their life. If you told me a year ago my ex would have left his son for a woman, I would have put my head on the block in statement of saying never...just goes to show.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Ingrid,

I am so sorry for your son. That sucks, and he'll wonder and deal with this for the rest of his life. Thank the gods he has you, you're in his corner and having one kick-ass-awesome parent is so much more than most kids ever have.

The situation you described seems to be a frightening majority. I get so many comments and emails from kids and ex wives describing exactly the scenario you're saying. Just scroll up here and read the comments from the psychos like Jodi, who I'm sure is a very lonely, angry, pathetic little person. There are actually women like this selfish wackjob your husband is with now, that expect and pressure men into neglecting and ignoring their children. Read bluedevil and shari and lisa and unknown who've commented above. They can't even fathom the idea that once a man has a child with a woman, that he and that woman will always have a bond and should absolutely be able to have a fucking cup of coffee together and talk. They can't figure out how a decent man would act. They go in their heads right to that he's cheating, and that he should be cutting out his past. And you can guess why that is - it's reflective of their character. It's projection. They have no clue how decent people behave in the world. All their experience is with cheaters and control freaks. It's their unhealthy personalities, so it's exactly what they attract to themselves. It's what they put out there. You reap what you sow.

That's why I really celebrate Ron, and Rich, who puts their responsibilities and commitments in a healthy and correct order. I'm so sorry Ingrid that your husband found a "Jodi" and that your son had to pay the price.

Karma is a bitch.


Lala_Lisa profile image

Lala_Lisa 6 years ago

Veronica I always follow you around through your profile and I'm glad I did this time. I don't think I would have clicked on this article because it doesn't apply to me really. Now I realize it does. I WAS that kid. My father got involved with%20this bitch after my mother. She was like jodi, just completely selfcentered and crazy. Or this woman ingrid's ex is with. I always thought these wackjobs (LOVE that word!) were the exception. Guess not! But wow, I am so blown away by what you said. You really do give great insights. Having a child is a huge responsibility, a lifelong commitment. These second wives or new wives are really quite a gas, aren't they. Thinking these men should throw away their pasts. You are so right about how they can't even begin to think about a guy that would be friends with a woman he has a life long bond with. They can only think about cheating. Wow, that really is so reflective of what their lives are like. Once again V, I tip%2


Saunders 6 years ago

If I may, I'd like to add the advice of someone who's been through this. I got divorced from my first wife when our daughters were 8 and 10 years old. It was very amicable and we were able to form a friendship. It was a wonderful example for the girls and everything was very smooth. My wife was dating her high school sweetheart and I was dating several different women. About a year and a half after our divorce I married my second wife who influenced my thinking very much. She would get upset whenever I spoke to the mother of my children. She convinced me that our friendship was inappropriate. My relationship with my daughters suffered. I didn't see them as much, and I had a harder time relating to them and being involved with their lives because my second wife was so impossible about everything that had to do with my past. During this time my first wife married her high school sweetheart. He's a good man and he took wonderful care of my daughters. But they were so confused and hurt by what I was doing that they completely changed. My daughters went from being healthy normal kids getting B's in school and playing sports, to being withdrawn or lashing out. They were hurting so badly and didn't know how to handle it. The worse they got the worse my second wife got about my interactions with them. Finally I had the good sense to listen to my first wife and her husband. They had the girl's best interests at heart, and I also believe mine too. I realized how miserable I was and it was all because of my second wife. I told my second wife that enough was enough and she can't expect me to cut my daughters and their mother out of my life. This is when I truly realized how completely unstable, selfish, and miserable a person she was. She was horrid. She screamed and yelled and gave me an ultimatum. I took it and told her I wanted a divorce. It was a horrible bloody divorce. But I will never forget sitting in front of the lawyers and watching their faces as she made a complete ass of herself spewing on about how inappropriate it was for me to be friends with the mother of my children, and how I refused to move on, and how crazy it was for me to expect to see my daughters every week when she should be my priority. Even her lawyer looked embarrassed. I will never forgive myself for what I did to my girls during that mistake of a marriage. Fortunately it was only for 2 years and I came to my senses. I can't even explain what was wrong with me at the time for listening to her craziness. I am very lucky, I was able to repair my relationship with my daughters and with some counseling and the patience and support of my first wife and her husband, they came through their teen years okay and went on to college. I have been married to my third wife for 10 years now. She is a wonderful woman. She is truly the love of my life. She is confident and respects herself, me, my daughters, and their mother. If I make plans to see my first wife my current wife completely understands. My eldest daughter is now 26 and engaged and she asked my current wife to go dress shopping with her, that's how highly she thinks of her. I am sorry for the two years I was blinded by my second wife. I would erase her from all memory if I could. She is a very lonely bitter person and here's a big surprise, she is still single. There really are good women out there who understand what's right and will support your relationship with your children and with their mother. There is no reason to waste time and hurt the ones you love with a woman that's selfish and miserable.

Good article.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Lala_Lisa, thanks for your comment, I don't know if the end got cut off or what, that happens sometimes. You'd better not be tipping 2%! ;) Don't worry, I know you're not.

Saunders, thank you so very much for your comment. I'm so glad you were able to figure things out before it was too late. I wish you could explain to us what the hell was going on that you let that 2nd wife do so much destruction. The important thing is that you figured it out and dumped that crazy bitch. I am so happy for you that you have found the love of your life and that your full extended family gets along so well with each other.


Njackson22 profile image

Njackson22 6 years ago from KY

Veronica this is a question for you you may or may not have addressed this but I REALLY need some insight. I was on the phone with a friend today who knows my situation. Married two years no major problems at all just rushed into it without a clear picture of who we were I went back and forth on weather (


christalluna1124 profile image

christalluna1124 6 years ago from Dallas Texas

I think it is good that you and your ex are able to work together for the sake of your children but if there is more to your relationship than friends and parenting it will do them more harm than good. They will be confused as they will continue to think there may be a chance for reconciliation. As for your new wife...cut her some slack. It is difficult to see the one you love with their ex. She may have doubts or fears until she is sure that you are in love with her..remember "once bitten, twice shy". I wish you both the very best.

Warmest regards,

Chris


lucky! 6 years ago

The thing I have always found funny (in a sad way) was that after my divorce, women all loved the fact that I was on good terms with my ex (we were together 10yrs and have 1 child together)--that is until relationships started, and then they would become insanely jealous. There seemed to be this thought that it was all fine and good and stand up, but that once I was with them a few months or a year, that I should just suddenly change and drop all contact with someone who I had known more than half my life.

I really do not understand this thought process where people think that having been in a committed relationship with another person for years (or decades) and especially having a child with that person, it would be ok to simply cut off all contact. It seems to me that someone who would do that would be the sick one. You obviously got together for some reason, and stayed together for that reason, and to simply stop caring about that person - or even to hate them seems a little crazy. I don't know about anyone else, but I have yet to find a way to simply turn off my emotions at the drop of a hat, nor would I want to, that seems inhuman.

Today I am lucky enough to have found a woman that accepts me as I am, as someone who was married once, who has a child, and who has genuine care and concern for the woman who gave him his daughter. Further, my ex and my wife have become friends, as have I with her boyfriend. We hang out together, go to all the recitals and sporting events, have keys to each others houses, take joint vacations, and they sat at our table at our wedding. The ultimate consensus is that the more people that love and care for our child the better. No one tries to take anyone's place and no one talks down another.

Just because our marriage didn't work out, doesn't give either of us the right to hold our daughter as some sort of hostage. We managed to come out of our divorce as stronger, better people than we were before, and actually are better friends today than we were the last year or so we were married.

Now the kicker here is that this friendship didn't happen overnight, and there was a transition period that was not without tears (we didn't get divorced, shake hands and then go to lunch...). In fact getting divorce was the worst thing I have ever been through, and I rank it as the biggest failure in my life so far, but it happened. Then we had to put our egos aside, do some hard work on the people that we were individually, and come out the other side. It is hard to say that I failed as a husband, and she will be the first to admit she failed as a wife. Its a hard pill to swallow, but if I don't do it I cannot hope to succeed in my new marriage.

I feel really bad for anyone who doesn't have this relation with the other parent of their child(ren), but I feel worse for those kids, who really lose out.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Bravo to you, Lucky!!

Thanks so very much for your fantastic comment!

Best to you.


dubdub 6 years ago

though it's great to get along with an ex, you still need to take your current partner into consideration. rather then you and your ex going to "grab a cup of coffee perhaps she should be included into this? how would you like it if the situatino were reversed and she was sharing coffee/conversations etc with an old flame? it's just as hard for your current partner as it is for you, keep that in mind.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

dubdub,

If the situation was actually reversed, that would mean imagining a current partner having coffee with an old flame who represents a huge part of their life, and that they share children with. Of course I would be fine with that. That would be healthy.

There's no reason to exclude the current partner from those coffees, unless of course she's behaving the way Ron's was. The article asks if he's given her reason to be irrationally jealous or if there's more going on. Because, based on the information he shared, he's developed a healthy friendship with someone he's tied to forever with children, and is setting a wonderful example for his kids.


LE 6 years ago

I'm in a similar situation, but I'm the one with the problem. I've been called insane, jealous, childish, unreasonable, uncaring, and so on.

My situation differs a little. She has a son with the ex, but the son is almost 25 years old and has lived on his own for 5 years. Also, the ex is in another country, but she visits the country every year and they swap emails/phone calls.

She is helping her ex immigrate to the U.S. when his son is perfectly capable of helping him. She has spent a great deal of time going this and has even contributed money for things when he was short. In addition, she put our home/bank acct information on the form that holds us responsible if anything goes wrong.

She did all this without my consent and I resent this.

To top it all off, this guy hardly ever called his son and never sent any support(or even birthday cards/gifts) while he was growing up.


Sam 6 years ago

I just don't know what to do now!! I have tried so many time with my ex partner and his GF. I have ignored the pokes she has given me time and time again to make me react to her! My children are 9 and 12. She has in the past put up a list of "The golden Rules" in the flat. I have told the children to be respectful of her wishes and even though they know that what is on the list they do where ever they are (Basic Manners) they do respect her!. Then she started to make arrangements in the time that their father would be having them. She sent me a list of her "Power point calendar" I was shocked when i got it in an email! It worked out that the kids would only be seeing their dad for about 2 days all over the summer holiday!. I spoke to my ex and was very polite and just explained that i don't think the children would be happy about that. He asked me to speak to his GF!! (I know.. Spineless man comes to mind!!) After speaking to her i looked over the dates and helped with a few planned dates she had booked but agreed that maybe the kids dad could have a week where he could take time of work and have them. Her and the ex agreed!! Summer came there was a weekend that the ex had the kids and she was at her parents which is about 500 miles away! (I would just like to say she "suffers" from M.E) The ex picked up the kids on the Friday, but by 11am on the Saturday i received a call from my son saying that dads GF was on the phone all night last nigh and this morning she has told dad that she is driving back home to chuck all 3 of them out!! (this was because their dad would not bring his kids back home so he could go and pick her up as she was ill!!) I got the kids back home that night as she turned up after driving herself back. He saw them for 2 and a half days in the 6 weeks over the summer holidays. Contact with their dad is not consistent he is always letting them down. The final straw for the children was in October again the gf had a screaming fit at them and i had to go pick them up at 10:30pm as they were so upset. I have tried and tried with my ex. I have now told him that he will have to go to a mediator if he wants contact at his home as the children do not want to go there if his GF is there! I have told my ex that he can see the kids as much as he wants in the week or even weekends by taking them out but he is still letting them down on the one day a week he had told them he will see them. Now Christmas is coming and the children really want to see him on Boxing day! That is fine with me but they don't want to see the GF! My ex has not got in touch with a mediator about contact at his home and just seems to think i should make the kids go there! It shocks me so much that this man has changed!! I left him but now it seems like he has left his kids!! I only hope that one day he will work it out and realize the pain he puts his children through just to have a quiet life with his GF!!


ang 5 years ago

my dad recently came back in my life after 36 years. i wasn't born when my parents split and both were very young. he is now on his 3rd marriage and is delighted that i have kids and have made him a grandfather. his wife is spitting blood that he wants to be at school events etc as my mum (his ex) will be there. were not talking friendship, just in the same room. she has now given him an ultimatum - and he chose his wife as she cant cope with the whole situation. he never wanted more kids and she did. its so sad, especially for my kids who were starting to love their grandpa.


Jules 5 years ago

I have read all the preceding comments and original situation with great interest. To all those that have good relationships with their ex's and their new spouses, well done! It is afterall all about the children.

My two girls aged now 18 and 13 have been so hurt by their father because he hasn't stood up to his new wife. My younger daughter lived with them temporarily due to school arrangements, a year ago. I eventually removed her from their care prematurely, as her stepmother was emotionally and mentally abusing my daughter, a situation that has been traumatic and had lasting effects, and went about legally changing our custody arrangement from joint custody, where we had fairly flexible arrangement to me having primary residence and my ex having visiting rights, although we still share joint guardianship. Since this time direct contact with my ex husband has become non existent, not due to effort on my part, and to be honest, doesn't concern me on a personal level, but I wish with all my heart that my daughters were still able to have a decent relationship with their father.(I even offered my home for himself and his little boys, our girls stepbrothers, for the weekend and I would stay with a friend.

He sat idly by as this new wife of his abused our daughter, and when confronted by it, with written proof (a letter written by the school), denied it ever happened (both my daughters, friends, his own family members and my daughter's old school will testify to it)and instead of taking the issue up with his wife, has blamed me for slander and falsely accusing THEM, when all I did was protect my daughter after making sure I had proof of misconduct. He now seldom contacts our daughters and on the rare occasions he sees them, due to their own choice of not wanting to visit him at home, but only when there are other family members there, due to their stepmother, he hardly talks to them. I have tried to re establish cordial relations with him, only to be ignored.Is this a salvageable situation? Any thoughts anyone?


ang 5 years ago

Hi Jules, I dont think there is anything you can do. You have tried your best and he is ignoring you. like my own situation the new wife is in control of the situation and is probably using the threat of leaving to make sure he does what she wants. I feel bad for your girls, like my own they are missing out. One day he will realise what a huge mistake he has made and by then it will be too late. Why cant men grow backbones and do the right thing ?


Jules 5 years ago

Thanks Ang, I feel more peaceful knowing that I have done my best and you right, one day he will realise what a mistake he has made with regards to the girls. You have to wonder about the hold some women have on their husbands and how they can choose a dominating, jealous, possessive, manipulative person over their young, innocent children (or grandchildren in your case), who only want to love and be loved, because of a relationship that was over years ago with more than no chance of being reconcilliation. In fact, in my case, I feel that they deserve each other. But once again, it's the children that suffer. In your case, could an arrangement not be made that you mom and dad attend alternate sports events etc, not for the wife's sake, who is obviously one of the above mentioned people, but for your kids sakes?


ang 5 years ago

hi Jules, unfortunately not because shes put a stop to all contact now. My girls are only 6 (twins) so will hopefully forget through time. I wont forget though and cant forgive. I hope your girls dont blame themselves for the adult problems. I really respect your restraint in dealing with the abuse your girls have suffered, I'd be in jail if anything like that happened to my kids. Your an example to us all in dealing with this awful situation and hope you and your girls can continue to help each other through all this. Those 2 monsters will pay the price for their actions one day. Take care x


crush 5 years ago

This is an excellent thread--very informative.

I am the man in this situation. My ex who I left 5 years ago and I are good friends, with 2 healthy (knock on wood) children. I have been seperated from another woman for 6 months now, mainly because of the ''insane jelousy'' she had towards my friendship with my childrens mother.

Here's the rub---I think she had a good point. When kids mom moved out of her apartment I made myself available to help. When her parents need a ride I offer as well. In fact, in our neighborhood we are a shining example of a healthy ex couple. And I don't think it was fair to ex#2.

Some family members of mine have said Ex#1 was playing me (I never noticed, but I'm a man--and therefore a little thick). But I noticed the other day--ex1 asked me to do her a favor, that she should have asked her boyfriend to do.

Now, what should I do? To be fair and respectful to the next woman I meet (or ex2, who I'd happily have back)? Should I set some respectful boundries, and hope like hell that ex1 doesn't freak out about it (always a possibility). Or should I bite my tongue, keep being super dad, and when the kids turn 18 tell ex1 to shove it?

I got no clue--other than knowing clearly that I got no clue.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 5 years ago from NY Author

crush,

ex#2 knew your situation when she met you. For any person to think they have the right to tell you who you can and can't be friendly with - especially people you share a child with like your ex and her family - then that controlling angry self-absorbed attitude is only a shadow of things to come. Your ex#2 doesn't sound like a partner, or even a woman. She sounds like an immature little girl who thinks stomping her feet will get her whatever unrealistic thing she demands of you. Yeah, give in to that and see where that leads.

But that's not the issue anymore since she's the ex#2 (and BRAVO to you for that.) The problem here is that you think about telling ex#1 to "shove it" when your kids are 18.

You and your exwife#1 share a history. You made people together. You will always be connected to her. There will always be birthdays and graduations, and problems, and holidays and weddings and maybe grandchildren. You will forever be connected to her, and to her family, who are your children's family.

If you hate your exwife#1 so much that you are waiting for your children to reach a certain age so that you can tell her to "shove it" then that's a very sad reflection on that first marriage. Maybe you have good reason, I have no idea. The shining example you are in your neighborhood of healthy coping human beings is a front. While social politeness and correct parenting is essential, it's still an act in your case. So just wait until that magic year you picked when the kids will all be 18 and do whatever you want. Meet a new woman, tell people from your past to shove it, cut your children's family out of your life, whatever your plan is.

If however you really are moving toward that healthy shining example you have put out there, then take it one year at a time. Enjoy being a father. Date Women, not girls, who don't think only of themselves selfishly. Take some time to really think about what's best for you and your kids. There is no rush. If you feel rushed, then you're in the wrong relationship. Best to you.


crush 5 years ago

Veronica, you are an angel. Thank you for guiding me through a valley of self doubt.

Yes, I do feel manipulated by ex1---and am disappointed by it. And I guess this is where my soul searching came from. At the same time, I did more damage to her--by breaking up her family and throwing her childrens stability in doubt---and she has swallowed that and treated me kindly and decently, for the sole benefit of her children. In a very real sense, she has taught me what love is.

Thank you Veronica for being here and listening. Your good people...


ang 5 years ago

Veronica, do you think men like my dad (see 1 week ago) ever feel regret? It is beyond me how anyone can walk away from their own flesh and blood because of a jealous partner. I would think that a degee of resentment would be left and the relationship would suffer. Or are these men so hard heated that they can move on with no guilt?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 5 years ago from NY Author

ang,

I think in the end most of them do. Unless they are sociopaths, they have to come to a point where they realize what they lost, and come to terms with the fact that they gained nothing. It may be too late at that point for any kind of repair. The best thing you can do is learn from his mistakes: Take your responsibilities seriously. Don't have children until you can be 100% sure you will be a good and committed parent. Don't ever expect a partner to throw away their prior life in order to indulge you, and don't ever let any potential partner try to do that to you.


louise 5 years ago

My partner still occasionally meets his ex(they were never married and have no children) for a drink or meal, mainly, I think at her request. He does not know that I am aware of this. She also sends him Christmas/birthday cards and they exchange gifts, even though he denies this. He knows that this upsets me, but insists that it is innocent and that they are truly over. This ended 8 years ago. I have been with him for 3 years. I do not behave like this with my ex husband, with whom I have a daughter. What do you think?


Deirdre 5 years ago

Veronica,

My ex's new wife really does hate me. (And we USED to be friends, at least, I thought so...) She tells my children (who are also his children) that she hates me, and wishes I were dead. She accuses me of "stalking" her when I am just dropping my kids off from school. She has told people who used to be friends of mine that I left my husband, and THEN they started a relationship. That is simply not true: I left him BECAUSE he was seeing her.

Last year, he and I had volunteered to work at an event. Come the day, she threw a fit, insisting that he was going to this event JUST to see me, which as far as he was concerned was just a bonus, ha ha! Could this be that "once a cheater, always a cheater" factor coming into play? He and I only EVER discuss the children on the rare occasions we speak on the phone, and I haven't even seen him any closer than 20 feet away since before he married her. Oh, and of course, SHE thinks she can do no wrong, and that sleeping with a married man (while she, too, was still married) was perfectly OK because they're "in love". Did I mention that he's her 4th husband? Hmm, three failed marriages in a row...and she is the common factor in each, I guess that hasn't occurred to her.


htodd profile image

htodd 5 years ago from United States

Thanks for the great hub!


newpartner 5 years ago

After reading all of the above it has shed a lot of light. I left my husband and my current partner left his wife so we could be together he has 2 children to his ex wife 1 is a step child. I also have a son from a prior relationship many years ago. I have told my current partner that when his kids are ready to they are welcome we have started organising furniture and the likes for the bedrooms however the ex has vowed that the kids will never be allowed to stay here, my partner and ex are currently going through mediation because its a case of when she is not happy she tries to stop my partner from having any form of contact with the kids. Where do I stand in this I feel as though my feelings and opinions mean nothing, I am trying my best to be supportive and positive and not to push or rush anything. Does anyone have any suggestions as to where to go from here.

Thanks in advance


GG 5 years ago

Please don't judge cuz i'm coming in from the other side, the ex's side. I was married 27 years and then my husband has the typical mid-life crisis affair...very unoriginal...much younger "girl" (he was 45 and she was 22) but he wanted his cake and eat it too...he didn't want to divorce. After 1 yr of attempting to salvage the marriage, the stress and drama were affecting my health, so I filed for a divorce and left...I moved far away cuz I needed much time to heal and eventually get a fresh start. BTW, our children were adults and we were already grandparents. There was sooo much drama, it made for a soap opera because HE CUDN'T THEN AND CONTINUES TO THIS DAY NOT TO BE ABLE TO LET GO OF ME!!

I could go on and on with details, but I'd never finish writing. When I left, he was constantly calling me (our divorced had not yet been finalize) even though he was still having the affair with the girl. I wouldn't anwser his calls, but then he'd text, EM..anything to get in touch with me!!

This girl was my daughter's best friend and I received her in my home and treated her like one of my own!! This girl had NO SHAME!! Not that I'm excusing my Ex's behavior, but WTF did this girl have to come to my home?? He had every right to be there!! She had none!!

She was also very very much aware of my ex's ambivalence towards her yet, she continued to interfere anyway!! I know this to be a fact because we spoke on several occasions and she admitted it.

After 2 years of barely speaking with each other (after the divorce, she immediately got pregnant and he married her)after the birth of their child, he approached me in complete disarray because of his "mixed" emotions. Now here's the issue...how could I possible turn away the ONLY man I'd ever known, father of my kids, grandfather of my granchildren, when he was reaching out to me in the emotional turmoil he was in. BTW...there was NOTHING wrong in our marriage!!! We were BEST friends to each other!! He'll b the first to tell you that he had NO justification for doing what he did!!

So after I had healed, I allowed him into my space as a friend. I felt it was safe because I still lived far away and for the sake of everyone concerned, I consciously made the decision NOT to move back because I knew it would cause friction. But that also meant being far from my kids and gkids.

We've been divorced 5 years now and I'ved moved back because I wanted to be near my family and I realized it was not fair to me or them to stay away because I didn't want to cause friction between my ex and the girl because they had serious trust issues between them! The sacrifice I was making was just too great.

Forgive me if I don't "respect" my ex's wife!! Forgive me for still being a friend to my ex!! But above all, forgive me for, after having struggled and fought all those years to stay away because I knew it would cause problems...forgive me for reciprocating to my ex's advances and having an affair with him!!! Really?? Affair?? WOW!!

But is it an affair?? Yes, technically it is because we're divorced and he's remarried...but emotionally, he was never able to let me go and I just caved in!! I had been pretty strong up to now, but just what I feared would happen, did! How do you just forget a 27 year marriage? How do you just disconnect, like there was nothing there?? I was doing pretty well, til I moved back!!

Listen, I know it's wrong (is it?)and I know this will eventually have to cease because he knows there is no possibility of reconciliation...but man...it's the best sex I've ever had!! LOL!!!

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