friendship with benefits
I will provide some personal examples of my friendships so the topic can
be analyzed more closely. Firstly, I am not writing this in order to
convince these individuals that they were wrong or that I am better. I
am not interested in assuring people that they were incorrect. That is a
personal understanding. The individual himself must comprehend what he
did wrong; therefore, he can improve. If he does not comprehend his
vicious actions, he does not understand they are vices, and he does not
understand what are virtues or how to be virtuous. In regards to
convincing people I am better, I am no longer interested in that. There
was a time when I strove to be better than others instead of seeking
happiness, or realizing my values. That is just another form of
dependence. It is relying on others actions and emotions to make one
happy. This is a vice. For man is independent. He should control all the
elements of his own life. Happiness is the realization of one's values,
not the emotions and actions of others. The reason I am discussing
these past friendships with these individuals is to uncover truth
because when one knows truth, one knows how to be virtuous.
First, I am going to discuss my friendship with two individuals who I will name Alpha and Bravo so as not to reveal anyone's name. This will somewhat show I am not trying to prove I am better than others, but also few besides maybe Alpha and Bravo will know who I am talking about. Therefore, Alpha and Bravo are somewhat confidential.
I began my friendship with Alpha and Bravo early in junior high and I maintained it throughout high school. However, Thanksgiving break of last year, my first semester in college, was the last time I spoke with either of them. I do not intend to initiate any contact with either of them in the future.
The reason I was looking for friendship in seventh grade because, as I explained in a previous post, events during my fifth and sixth grade years caused me to loathe myself. I then believed that I was a vicious person and the only way I could prove I was virtuous was to have friends. Consequently, having friends made me feel good. Therefore, friendship became my end all and be all. I was essentially being dependent on others to make me happy. I was not yet relying on others actions and emotions to make me happy, but I was relying on these individuals to give me happiness. Once again happiness is a personal endeavor; a realization of one's own happiness. Happiness is not dependently or collectively achieved.
However, Alpha and Bravo were also self-loathing. I do not know why they loathed themselves, but I know they did because they degraded me. As they degraded me, and a few others but mostly me, they would smile and laugh. Most of the times, when I saw them happy, smiling, laughing, they had just degraded me. They were being dependent, violating their own nature as men; thus, being vicious. They relied on my anger and self-loathing to make them happy. Often times, they would cover this by saying, "This is just how guys are friends." I do not care if this is how most guy friendships work, it was wrong. I should have terminated my friendship with them at that moment, meaning after I explained they should stop degrading me and they responded by saying that their actions were the norm. In doing that, they stated that they did not really value me. Causing me to suffer was not as important as being part of the majority. It was a warped since of morality and I should have just left. However, I remained, and by remaining I was acting viciously. I was valuing people I knew who were vicious; thus, telling them they were more virtuous than vicious. In turn, they continued to degrade me. I enabled vice. I also lied to them by remaining, for as I just said remaining in the friendship told Alpha and Bravo that they were virtuous and deserved my valuing of them when that certainly was not the case. Finally, I was vicious because I chose suffering, I chose attacks on myself, I chose to laugh at myself. Essentially, I was slapping myself in the face. I was becoming more self-loathing; thus, desiring more friends. Except, friendships could not give me enough happiness.
Consequently, I turned to degrading others like Alpha and Bravo; thus, becoming more vicious. However, I could not degrade Alpha and Bravo. In the social network I was considered the weaker, and a weaker can never degrade a stronger. Therefore, when the stronger are self-loathing they must degrade weaker individuals to make themselves feel happy. Thus, I turned to degrading another one of my friends, which I had known since elementary school. He eventually stopped being friends with me, and only recently have I begun to correct that friendship.
Finally, there is a vicious cycle that is revealed in my friendship with Alpha and Bravo. I was self-loathing, so I sought their friendship to make me feel happy. However, they degraded me, in order to make themselves feel happy, which in turn caused me to loathe myself more. In addition to degrading others I sought a stronger relationship with Alpha and Bravo to make me feel happy. Consequently, they were provided with more opportunities to degrade me, causing me to loathe myself more, and driving me closer to them. I believe degraders are aware of this cycle. They are essentially parasites that have found a way to sustain themselves forever.