He's 24, Doesn't Want to Lose Her, But He's Not Ready For Marriage

Hub Request

Hi Veronica, I am 24yrs old and my girl is 26yrs old.We both love each other and it is goin to be 2

be 2yrs.Everything goin fine.Her age different with my age is 2yrs gap.So now she is doing teaching course and goin to get posting next year.She will be completely stable and i am into my new job as IT engineer which is my better oppurtunity to excel in my career and life.Now,she is pushing me to get married and asking to buy house next year,and get married in 2yrs time coz her family are pressuring her for not getting married and she is getting older.Both of our family know about our relationship but her mother are not confident with my age.I don't wana lose her but I'm think i am not ready y

- kumar86

Dear kumar86,

Thanks for requesting this Hub from me. 

I hear this issue you're having a lot from certain cultural backgrounds: the pressure of the family to marry is insane. So many good relationships have been completely ruined because of this needless interference. So many people wind up unhappily married either too young, or to the wrong person, because of unfair pressure from their families. 

You and your girlfriend both sound like you have made smart career choices, and are proceeding in a completely healthy and normal journey in life together. Clearly, you care deeply for each other and are making your way toward your good future together. 

The only problem that exists is the meddling of her family. It is such a shame that she is being influenced by that. 

You are 100% right. You aren't ready to get married yet. You are doing great, you sound smart, sensitive and caring. You are right where you are supposed to be for your age, if not a little ahead of the track. 

Rushing your life at this point will lead to nothing but disaster. Emotionally, financially, mentally, and otherwise. Getting married when you aren't ready to get married is always always always the wrong decision.

It's easy for me to sit here and say if she's the right girl for you she will stop trying to push you into doing the wrong thing, something you are not ready for and shouldn't be ready for. She will behave instead like a partner, and take the journey of life with you in a more natural time table.

But what's driving her to lose sight of all that is normal and healthy, is her family. 

Obviously, if you are living the life you described, you have accepted a different culture for yourself; one of natural healthy progression and good solid choices. You girlfriend sounds like she has embraced that for herself too, except for this one nagging nightmare.

You need to have some very serious conversations with your girlfriend. If she is willing to risk harming or losing your relationship over pressures from her family now, imagine what life with her will be like. What about when her family wants to bully her about when to have kids, where to live, what job to have, what house to buy. This is a pattern you do not want to be in. So you need to end it now. 

You need to be clear with her that you love her, and want your future to be with her. But that you aren't ready to get married yet, which is the healthy and normal choice. Listening to the pressure of her parents is a child's behavior, not a woman's. She needs to make the choice to grow up, and choose her own life. She should want to marry because someone was ready to propose, someone who was in love with her made the correct preparations with surety and love, and embarked happily on life with her. She should not want to get married because "daddy said so." 

Buying a house before you are stable in your work is like digging a grave. It is tying yourself to debt and responsibility that is completely needless. Her family's failure to assess reality in an intelligent way, and their choice to cling to outdated unsafe rushed responsibilities, is not in her best interest, and serves no purpose. 

I really hope you are able to get through to her, that it is time for her to grow up, think for herself, see the reality of your ages and places in life, and continue on her journey with you as a healthy mature adult and partner. The consequence of her failure to do so will be to lose out on a special man that loved her very much and would have given her a wonderful life. Good luck to you both. 

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13 comments

dallas93444 profile image

dallas93444 6 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

Great conversational, easy to read hub. Your M.O. is great. First the reassurance, quick summary, restating concern and possible actions, or "stay-the-course!"


kumar86 6 years ago

Hi Veronica,

First of all I glad i find ur hubs.Its really helped me.Next,I would like to thank you for understanding my problem and willing to help me to get thru this.Actually the thing that u advice me is the one that running in my mind.Now I am clear and goin to have serious talk with my girl regarding this.Hope she can understand me well.May god bless u for ur "special" social service.It helps many ppl alot when they turned down to take decision.

Thank you.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thanks dallas93444!

Thanks to you kumar86 for your comment, and for your hub request. I think it's common that when people seek some advice they actually already know deep down what the answer is, but they wanted to hear it from someone else for the reassurance. I think you should follow your instincts here. Good luck to you and to your girlfriend. Namaste.


Toby 6 years ago

awesome advice here. veronica you are a little more than insightful. I think you are psychic. i saw some comments that say that on other hubs. I agree with them.


SSh 6 years ago

Kumar86, your problem sounds like a typical indian problem! I too am an Indian, and had exactly the same problem. My girl was a year and a half older than me and was under immense pressure to get married, we were together 3 years. To make the long story short, dont pull it on for too long before things get too dirty, take your decision and convey it to her and stick to it, no matter what: she will beg and threaten. As for me, we had a dirty break-up which involved not just as, but our families too, not something I would wish for anyone.

@Veronica, Its impressive that you are able to gauge a problem specific to a completely different culture so well. Kudos!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Toby - Thank you.

SSh - I'm sorry about your break up. Thanks for sharing that, and thanks for the comment.


kumar86 6 years ago

HI Veronica,

I got a problem down here.She already start pushing me already.Today we had a conversation on da phone,she was asking me to say whether can get register or not next year before april because she will get teacher posting on that time.She ask me whether i am agree or not.I jus say that i am not ready yet.She tell me don't think i will leave u and go.I just want to know ur decision.I seriously dunno whats in her mind nw.I dun want loose her but honestly i already say to her what my decision is.She ask me u will drag like this for 2 or 3 years rite if u canot take decision.She say her mother are searching bridegroom for her and will marry her to some other guy who is more like a teacher or same level.She say now many of the guys will agree if they findout their bride is a teacher.I dunno wat to do,m helpless now..


cinthya34 6 years ago

Hi, Veronica,

Love to read your advice, they are really sane. I am almost on the same page as kumar, but on the other side. My brother and sister in law were the ones dropping not so subtle hints, that I am well past my time to get married. I am 34 and my bf is 27, we really love each other and the relationship is great. We have been dating for 3 years and live in different cities but manage to see each other every weekend. This is my first really serious relationship because I had some personal issues regarding intimacy and I have been in therapy for a long time to get to know myself well enough to find and be part of a good and balanced relationship. Two days ago, I told in a very firm and decided manner that I didn't want either of them (brother and sister in law) putting any kind of pressure on me or him to speed things. Only thing is, apart of all this, there is a real issue on me, anyway. That is my age and the fact that I want to be a mother someday. He also wants kids but has said to me that can see us married in 2 or 3 years. I love him a lot and don't want to jeopardize things between us because of my insecurity regarding this. I am litlle bit stressed because if things go wrong, I will be approaching an age where the odds will be against me regarding maternity. I have been thinking about having my eggs frozen but am a little afraid if this wouldn't freak both of us out. I would appreciate your view on my situation, thanks a lot!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

cinthya,

I'm glad you told your brother and sister in law to back off. I hope they respect you enough to listen to you.

Congratulations on being in therapy and working hard toward creating the life you want and getting to know the real you.

You sound very strong and insightful. I think your concern about having kids at a later age is valid. I don't mean to dismiss it, but I truly believe you will be best served by letting it go. There are no guarantees, whether you stay in your healthy relationship or whether you start all over again and look for someone else. You're with a guy you seem to really want to be with, that you worked hard to "get" to in your heart and your intimacy and your life. I certainly wouldn't want you to blow it because you wanted to take a chance on finding another person you love and who loves you, and getting to the kids part in a faster time table. The truth really is that it wouldn't be smart for your boyfriend to rush into the steps that will govern the next 50 years of his life. He sounds smart and responsible. Really the best advice I can give you is to follow your heart. If this is the healthy solid relationship that you want to be in, then be in it, even if it means some things you think you want in life may work out a little differently.


cinthya34 6 years ago

Thank you so much for your lovely advice. I specially loved it because it resonates within me as very delicate and from someone who cares even if we have never met each other and live so far away (I live in Brazil). Yes, you're so right , because I am really grateful for everything I have now in my life, and for the very difficult path I have already journeyed through . Every beat of my heart tells me to trust life and let the chips fall where they may. Thanks a lot, again.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

cinthya,

Wonderful!

Thanks for your comment. Best to you.


kumar86 6 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I have posted u my problem 2 weeks ago..I think my problem are getting complicated and u are not interested in listening anymore.Anyway,I would like to thank you for everything u guide me.Take care..cheers.


Right On Time profile image

Right On Time 5 years ago from Australia

Hi Kumar,

Here is some good advice. Follow your heart but also listen to your head. If she says she is interested in other guys it may be time to leave and find another. Many blessings to you.

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