How to Get The Attention You Deserve

please listen to the song below.

That was America with "Lonely People." Now on with this expose' that only a few chosen people will not only understand, but hopefully, act-upon and start living lives of happiness, security, and peace of mind.

I say expose' because it sounds like "I" know something that the masses don't. It has everything to do with "our" need of attention. That, my good friends, is not big news. We heard the embarrassing bulletin from our parents when we were age six, "oh, never mind him. He just needs attention," am I right? Did "you" ever hear this statement when you were "showing-out" in front of "Aunt Lillie and Uncle Rob," from Adrian, Michigan when they came to visit that "one" time on a certain Thanksgiving?

Sure. Go on and be honest. Admit it. Wanting attention is natural. And to all parents who made this traumatic statement (to me) and many who are reading this, "well, tell me why didn't you just do it? Show us some attention? Or if you were unable to do this, why pray then didn't you let "Aunt Lillie and Uncle Rob," have the time of their lives by giving "us" some needed-attention?

But soon, we grew into men and women. But that "little demon," called "needing attention," never was exorcised from our souls. But we, as civilized mortals just suffered along and pretended that we were too-adult to even dare say, "I am in need of some attention. Right now."

Too bad too. Because if "you" or "I" had been blessed with brass gonads, we wouldn't be in the shape (the guy in the photo below) we are in today--depressed, unable to laugh, smile, and mix into social events like the "normal" people who we pretend to be.

So when things seem the darkest, a hub comes along that carries that one ray of hope in its text that can change everything we were taught about "needing attention." It's not hard. In fact, getting needed-attention is easier than you were led to believe.

Try this list of "Ways to Get Needed-Attention" and then tell me if you are not a happier person.

ATTEND PUBLIC FORUMS

where famous and powerful civic leaders are scheduled to speak. Sit toward the back. And at mid-way through the governor or mayor's "snoozer" of a speech, gently wave your hand into the air. The expert speaker will either wave back at you, or stop and say, "yes? Something I can do for you?" Don't panic. He (or she) has played right into your hands. Gently smile back and reply, "I just want to tell you that I am truly enjoying your speech and appreciate you taking the time to come to our fair city to grace us with your company." Listen for it. Hear the thunderous applause? That's for you, the needed-attention that you richly-deserve.

"ACT" LIKE YOU ARE HURT IN PUBLIC

but do not go too far. A simple stumble onto the sidewalk and then holding your knee with a grimace on the face will do. "dear man, are you hurt?" asks an attractive woman out of concern for you. "no, miss, I have learned to just 'suck it up,' and go on," you reply with head down. This good Samaritan will hang-around for awhile to see that you can walk giving you ample time to get to know her and get her cell number.

GET YOUR SHIRT TORN ON-PURPOSE

in those revolving doors that some hospitals and government offices use to save energy. Simply place the tail of your shirt in the handle of the door in front of you. Stand still and suddenly, your shirt will rip from your body. Now for your acting skills. Look stunned. Shocked. Say loudly, "this cannot be happening! I am due at a high-level meeting in five minutes," you will be surprised at the people who will hand you cold, hard cash for you to get yourself a new shirt and give you that needed-attention you didn't get as a child.

RODEOS ARE PERFECT

places to get plenty of attention. Get a seat as close as you can near the arena where the bulls and bronco's try to throw their riders. At just the right time, yell, "that's my uncle out there," and the people around you will applaud like wild people. The rider, of course, cannot hear you. And the crowd doesn't know the difference, so you "have it made in the shade," by telling made-up, heroic stories of your "rodeo legend" uncle you grew to admire over the years.

HELPING A HOMELESS PERSON

may be "the" ultimate act of sacrifice in order to get some sweet attention from the passerby's in some brisk winter morning in New York City. Wait until a big crowd is front of the homeless man or woman, then take your overcoat off along with your shoes, and hand them to the homeless person with an humble look on your face. That's it. You will not only be helping a fellow human being, but maybe gain a lot of new friends who will always remember your act of charity.

SIR WALTER RALEIGH RIDES AGAIN

if you see a guy treating a lady in public with disrespect, don't pick a fight with him. Wait for the thug to leave, then hail a cab for her at your expense and talk about accolades. She will eat you alive with sweet things in your ears. I promise.

VISIT LOCAL CHURCHES

on Sunday mornings or evenings. You do not have to go inside, but stand outside on the steps. Then as the parishioners file-out, you blend-in with them and tell the pastor, " nice sermon, sir," shake his hand and then get loud by telling his crowd, "I think that this man should be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize," and "you" will recieve the pat on the back. Plus make the pastor happy in the process.

CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE

recall how you scored attention with the politician at the pubic forum? Why not show-up at your local P.T. A. meeting and sit near the back. When the chairperson asks, "anyone have anything they'd like to say?" You seize the opportunity and regale the parents on just how good you think this P.T.A. chapter is doing with the kids in the local schools. If you can get away with it, stick around for more attention from parents who are attending the meeting, plus get a free cup of cocoa and a danish.

HUMBLE COME-BACK'S YOU NEED TO MEMORIZE

when the crowds recognize "you" for something good that you did or said.

• Shucks, wasn't that big of a deal
• Wasn't anything to write home about
• Anyone could have spoken for 45 minutes other than me.
• Just speaking the truth, friends.
• Don't give me the big head.
• Thanks, but it wasn't like Superman swooped in and saved the day.
• I am proud to be a free American and proud of my Free Speech
• I am only doing what I thought was right.

This list is only "the tip of the iceberg." There are more way to get free, needed-attention without being called a narcissistic man.

And who will write them? "Me," of course.