How to cope with emotional cheating? Kills marriage!

‘It is important to set proper boundaries in your outside relationships for the purpose of protecting your primary relationship from emotional promiscuity. We often think of infidelity as a physical act when the truth is it started as a breach of emotional monogamy.’ – Jordan Blake Michiels

The world has turned very modern and along with it many family values have also undergone radical changes. Of course you should change with times as otherwise you will be outdated and outmoded to cope up with the new world. But can you say that all the drastic changes in relationships are good? Do these changes contribute to your family well being? The answer will be a big ‘no’. I am afraid we are losing certain basic culture when we accept everything as part of being modern.

You should change according to the situation you are in, but you should understand that certain values will never change. Not only has the world turned modern, marriages have become modern as well. There is a tug of war of equality between you and your spouse. Women have ventured out to work and have achieved incredible financial freedom.

There are families in which the wife earns more than the husband. It is all good for the family, isn’t it? But something has changed in the values of marriage as well. Long ago, infidelity was a taboo word and it was spoken in hushed tones as it was very rare and unusual. It was always assumed that men crossed the border because of the physical attraction he felt for the other woman. But it is no longer the men who commit such out of marriage relationships. Women have joined the bandwagon with men for equality in being unfaithful to her husband.

Why this radical changes in values of marriage?

• Men and women work together and mingle closely.
• It is common to see female and male colleagues going out together.
• Mobile phones play the culprit in many marriages as it becomes easy for you to stay connected to your new relationship.
• You have idealistic expectations about your marriage and feel disappointed when you do not have it.
• You feel attracted to the other person.

Are these changes necessary for marriage? Of course you cannot be demure and say you will not interact with your male\female friends\colleagues. You will look foolish if you do so. But there should be a dividing line and you should not let anyone cross to your side to become uncomfortably close to you. There should some distance between you and the other person.

It is funny isn’t it, that you feel bored to talk with your spouse, but find it very easy to interact with your new friend. You call him from home and spend hours talking with him\her. When you do not think it important to confide about this to your spouse, it plainly points out that you are cheating your spouse. ‘Ours is a platonic friendship and there is nothing physical involved in our relationship. How can this mean that I am cheating my spouse?’

You might not be cheating your spouse physically, but you are cheating him\her emotionally which is also a betrayal of trust your spouse has in you. Why do you have to be so secretive about it if it is a harmless interaction. You could talk to that person in the presence of your spouse. Why do you not do it? Why do you want to hide it from him\her? You know you are doing something wrong, but you would not accept it as you feel that only physical cheating will affect your spouse. How wrong you are!

How to know that you are cheating your spouse emotionally?

• You talk with the person privately and do not confide about it to your spouse.
• You talk about personal things which you never share with your spouse.
• You always want to talk with that person.
• Your tone is low and secretive.

What are the repercussions of emotional cheating?

• Your spouse loses the trust in you.
• He\she resents you.
• He\she no longer wants to spend time with you.
• You drift apart in your relationship.

You enjoy His\her Company too much.

You feel you have lots of things in common which you do not share with your spouse. ‘There are lots of things I can talk with him\her which I will never be able to do with my spouse’. You laugh a lot and have such fun time with him\her that you find the time you spend with your spouse boring and dull. You always compare your new friend with your spouse and find him\her lacking.

You tie yourself in a knot when you cannot connect to him\her

When he\she does not call you, you feel lost and deprived. You become edgy with your family and in your inner mind you know you are doing a wrong thing. But your newly found craze gets the better of you and you let yourself get emotionally embroiled in a situation which slowly disintegrates your marriage.

You compare and find your spouse wanting.

You compare your spouse with your new friend and feel that your spouse is not after all up to your expectations. You do not want to spend your time with him\her and find it easy to be on your own when at home. You shout and yell at your spouse and pass unwarranted comments about his\her appearance, behavior and habits.

The right thing to do

Your loyalty should always be with your spouse. You married him\her out of love, didn't you?How can you suddenly find him\her lacking and feel drawn to your new friend? You cannot console yourself that you are being truthful to your spouse as you do not have physical attachments with the new friend, but when you let the other person occupy your mind and when you compare that person favorably with your spouse; you are emotionally unfaithful to him\her. This also borders on cheating !