How to handle a controlling husband? Try understanding him!

‘I do not want a husband who honors me as a queen, if he does not love me as a woman’ – ELIZABETH I

‘You are lucky to live your life as you want to and take decisions all by yourself. I cannot even move the furniture as I want to’ my friend lamented to me. She was in total mercy of her controlling husband. In fact she would talk to me only when her husband was not around.

How will you define such a life? It is like living in a solitary imprisonment. Marriage should be of mutual love, trust and freedom. You must be able to live your life as you want to. Of course you should discuss certain important family matters with your spouse, but you should have liberty to enjoy the personal wishes you have.

What does your controlling husband do?

• You cannot decide on your circle of friends.
• He is commanding and rude
• He questions you actions
• He wants you at his beck and call.
• He throws tantrums when he does not have his way.

In your adolescence you are in total control of your parents. Your mind revolts in anger when you have to answer their demanding questions. ‘I am an adult. How can I be answerable to anyone’ your mind rebels when your parents question you.

Human nature is such that it craves for freedom of thought and action. Have you seen a toddler? Let us suppose he is trying to take his first steps to walking. Try to pick him up. He brawls at the top of his voice and breaks free of your controlling hold. Such is the need for freedom.

The urge for freedom will be there till the day you live. When you have to bow to the commands of anyone you feel terribly upset. Why this lengthy preach about the need of freedom you might ask. When a toddler does not want to be controlled, how can you tolerate your controlling husband?

‘What should I do to handle him? I would do anything to have a whiff of fresh air.’ Handling a controlling husband can really be tough as he is not bound by reason, but by his self-centered attitude towards you.

What makes him so controlling?

• He has inferiority complex
• He thinks it masculine to control you.
• He feels insecure about you.
• He comes from an abusive family
• He is not successful

He feels inferior

Inferiority complex can instill a sense of loss in your husband. He cannot show his power to his colleagues as he is a lamb in his work place. But he wants to be a lion at home and show his power. So he latches on to you to show that he is the boss.

He shows he is the boss by controlling you.

This emotion also shows him in a very negative light. Why should he show himself as a boss? He should actually show himself as a loving husband. Marriage is not about showing power, but showing love. When he suffers from complexities he does not have confidence or trust in anybody and that includes you also.

He is insecure about you

A husband gives freedom only when he confident about himself. But if he feels insecure it makes him completely negative. Are you more successful than your husband? This makes your husband feel crumbling inside in frustration. You are very successful in work whereas he is not. He feels completely let down and feels that if he gives you freedom you will break free.

He comes from an abusive family

If his childhood days were abusive, he would have grown up without proper family values. He might have been tossed about by his abusive parents and his bottled up emotions burst forth in trying to play the same game with you.

How can I handle him?

It needs immense patience to handle a controlling husband. You feel fettered in your family life. You gradually lose love for him as your mind revolts at the injustice he does for you. If you want your marriage to work, you must have the patience to handle him. If you clash headlong with him, it makes him even more controlling.

You should be assertive and learn to say no, but you should also understand that he is suffering from multitude of complexities. If you turn aggressive, he too shows the ugly side of him. He can be tamed by love and not by domination.

Do you know that a man is more pliable than a woman? He might be in his high horse for a while, but when he finds trust in you, he immediately climbs down from his self proclaimed pedestal. Try to love him and try to reason with him. If you cry, he feels his power, if you demand, he won’t give in, but when you are persistent in loving and understanding him, he gradually turns into a loving husband you craved for.