Is It Possible To Love Someone Too Much?

You Deserve The Best!

Love yourself first and foremost!

There have been many books and articles written about people who love too much. The phenomenon of loving someone too much is usually applied towards women. One very notable book is “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood.

What is too much?

Does a mother who is willing to die in place of her children love them “too much”? Does a man willing to risk his life to protect his family from an intruder love them "too much"?

Under these circumstances there is no such thing as loving someone "too much".

It's only when we discuss (romantic love) that we buy into the concept that it's possible to "love too much" and yet most of these people would not die for those they "love too much".

Usually when one believes they love someone "too much" what they're really saying is (they don't love themselves enough!) In some way they have given up being themselves or sacrificed their wants, dreams, and needs in order to fit into the other person's world and now they realize their mate would have never done the same for them. It's not so much about "loving too much" as it is a feeling of "Inequity of love" in the relationship.

Having a lack of confidence and low self-esteem will lead one to feel undeserving or lucky to have someone in their life and therefore they walk on eggshells or live in fear of losing them. Once again this is NOT loving someone "too much" but rather Not Loving YOURSELF Enough!

It's impossible to be too healthy, too happy, or love someone too much.

You are responsible for cultivating your own self-worth and setting your own standards.

You must be willing to risk not being liked or loved for being yourself.

No one is going to win them all!

It’s important to know yourself well enough to be able to recognize the traits you desire in a mate as well as those traits that collide with your needs and wants.

Each of us selects our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

You are responsible for your own happiness!

Ultimately we are looking for someone who will love and appreciate us for who we are.

As one famous hit song once invoked: The Greatest Love of All is Learning to Love Yourself!

More by this Author


Comments 22 comments

Ashantina profile image

Ashantina 5 years ago

You have defined this 'phenomena' really well. And although it is usually applied to the fairer sex, men are often guilty of this too.

The points you have underlined are also noteworthy. I think its a must to be self aware and discerning before we 'step' into love.

Interesting article.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago Author

Ashantina, Thanks for your wonderful comment!

I believe WE really are responsible for OUR own happiness.

We just have to be true to ourselves and learn to make better decisions when it comes to matters of the heart.


Edlira profile image

Edlira 5 years ago

A very insightful and well written article, like always.

I must say though, "cultivating self-worth" sounds easier said than done. I am not advocating on favor of the victim attitude, but most people don't know better, that's why they choose the way they do.

We are all products of partly the environment we have been grown up into.

How can the ones who were never taught that, know what self-esteem is? Being "incomplete", they long for the one who presumably will feel the void and validate "they are worthy to be loved". At the point I am in my life, I do know that is recipe for trouble and pain, but that I learned the hard way, after a number of years.

It is very true what you write but it takes a great deal of self-discovery and understanding to be able to realize first, and then accept that. Cheers, Edlira.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago Author

Thanks for your comment Edlira!

I agree it takes many of us several years to finally sit down and say "I've made some bad choices!" Most people would rather look outward than inward. Playing "The Blame Game" will always win a person more sympathy.

However as I've said before, "When we change, our circumstances change". Most of the answers to our questions are within us. It's not easy to go the introspective route but that is the only way we are able to break free from our self built prisons. Thankfully there are many resources (books, programs, workshops..etc) available to help one if they have the courage to take a new approach to life. Cheers!


Lita C. Malicdem profile image

Lita C. Malicdem 5 years ago from Philippines

I'm the type who is choosy with relationship, but can't do that with my own siblings. I give love the way I want others give love back, that's why. When one of my siblings hurt me, I'm really hurt. This hub teaches me one thing- love yourself first. Somehow it erases my guilt of not taking to myself the pressures of sibling-related misunderstandings. I'm just rediscovering myself and this hub is helpful. It helps me try other perspectives that will work out more for me under the situation. Thank you.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago Author

Lita C. Malicdem, Thank you for reading my hub and posting your very kind comment. Yes, dealing with family is a little different than non-family. At some point you still have to see and interact with family even if it's only at a funeral.

You are correct when you elude to the fact that "We tend to love people the way we want to be loved." This approach to life sets US up for disappointment (because each person has Their Own Way of expressing love) as well as how THEY want to be loved. Instead of the old adage of "Treat people the way you want to be treated" maybe we'd be better off to do it in reverse, "Treat people the way they treat you". When you think about it that is the same thing! If they treating you a certain way it must mean that's how they want to be treated. Hopefully at some point you will be able to see your brother for who is and not for who you hoped he would be. Most of the time we get hurt it is because someone did not live up to "our expectations". Unless they specifically made a promise,guaranteed us, or offered us assurances of some kind we're better off not "expecting" anything. Being "pleasantly surprised" beats being (disappointed) any day! Best of luck!


Suellyn 5 years ago

This was great and ironically, I just posted this question to my Facebook profile about an hour ago and saw your comment to my hub and checked out yours. Yes, I totally agree with you and that has made me start to examine how much love I actually have for myself.

Great Hub!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago Author

Suellyn, Thanks for taking the time to read my hub. Everyone of us is "a work in progress" :-)

Life is a personal journey.

Thanks again for your comment!


christalluna1124 profile image

christalluna1124 5 years ago from Dallas Texas

Scorpio,

So good to see you agin. What an excellent article. It really hits home in more ways than one.

Warmest regards,

Chris


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago Author

christalluna1124, Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment! Hope all is well with you!


MellyMoo profile image

MellyMoo 5 years ago from Australia

I could write a book on this topic!!! I spent years in a relationship where I was not loving myself enough. I left afew times but each time he won me back, telling me how much he loved me & saying he would die without me. Knowing I loved him too & not wanting to see him hurting, I took him back each time, until I finally had the courage to leave, after many years. Even at that stage, I stopped eating & nearly would rather have jumped off a bridge than leave him, with our two children, but I did it. Unfortunately I did not allow myself time to heal and "fell in love" with someone who turned out to be an abusive alcholic and so my journey became harder and harder. After much trauma and another beautiful baby, I escaped and after taking another few twists and turns in my path, I finally am with someone who loves me as I love him and I feel truly blessed. I must say, however, that we are who we are because of the experiences we have been through and I do believe that our soul chooses these lessons before we are born. I now find that I am able to help others that come into my life and if it were not for what I have been through I would not be able to do that and I would not be the strong person that I am. Scorpio, I love your work. You are doing an amazing job empowering people. Awesome stuff!!!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 5 years ago Author

MellyMoo, Thanks for your wonderful comment.

I'm so happy to hear you have found love and peace of mind. Unfortunately most of us have to go through "The School Of Hard Knocks" before we realize it is US that is selecting the wrong people to share our lives with. I use to fall in love with "potential". :-) "If only she ....etc then this would be the perfect relationship!" After several years I came to the conclusion that real love is being loved for who you are and loving someone else for who they are. If either person has to "change" for the relationship to be great it usually means they are wrong for each other. The real trick in life is to find someone who already "is" what you want. However before that can happen WE have to know ourself well enough to know what it is we truly want and need in a mate. MellyMoo thanks for stopping by and posting your comment.


the brazillian mans wife 4 years ago

How could you love someone too much? I am one of those people who has had their heart completly ripped out and shredded. It hurt, I was convinced that it was impossible and unatural to really trust a person other than yourself.Possibly because I loved in that fairy-tale way, meaning I believe that there is no end to that love. It is a bond you have with a person that is unbreakable and that loves reciprocation inspires that bonds immortality. It is a devastating physical pain to love that way and learn that everything you believe in could infact be compromised. Then I met my husband, who immediatly reimbursted that belief and faith I had once sworn away from.I love this man with every fiber of my spiritual and physical being, and he reciprocates it without yield.I would die in his place, but I know he would never let me.I believe love cannot be weighed or measured as too much or too little.As a mother I can say that it is impossible to love your children too much,you just love them to no end it is infinite and immortal.So love for your beloved is no different.I believe there is just love. So if in your heart of hearts you profoundly love someone, naturally you love yourself.It would be impossible to feel absolute love for another if you didn't.

Sorry for making you read this novel I know it kind of just goes on and on but it feels good to share it.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 4 years ago Author

the brazillian mans wife; Thanks for posting your comment! I agree with you there is no such thing as "loving too much". I do however believe it is possible to be emotionally invested in the wrong person. When people claim to have loved someone too much what they are really saying is they gave their heart to the (wrong person). There is a big difference between the two. In order for someone to be "the one" they must also see you as being "the one". The underlying definition of soul-mates is BOTH people (feel the same way) about one another. If the feelings aren't mutual then it's not a "perfect match".


thebrazillian mans wife 4 years ago

I agree, it must be a reciprocation of mutual respect and dovotion.I also know that when you feel something for someone who makes you happy or feel good it can be hard to differentiate love and lust. My father always told me when it comes to matters of the heart never ever trust just your heart. Trust your gut, your heart can lieto you but your gut never will. So trust your gut and when your gut agrees with your heart you'll know.


Danext profile image

Danext 2 years ago from Tanzania

loving yourself is foremost important thing before you start loving others, and you can never take good care of yourself well if you don't live yourself first....another nice and interesting article dashingscorpio, well done....


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 2 years ago Author

Danext, Thanks for the comment.

Self-esteem is a gift people give to themselves. If you don't love yourself you cannot believe others could love you. Therefore you aren't likely to set any boundaries or have any "deal breakers" when others mistreat you.

That's not loving someone too much. It's not loving yourself enough!


C.V.Rajan profile image

C.V.Rajan 2 years ago from Kerala, India

Let us assume a case where an extremely attractive woman, but with no other qualities like education, natural brilliance, mental maturity etc from a very low rung of the society manages to win the heart of a rich and smart guy high up in the society. Hooking him could have been the best prize she had ever received in her life. If she loses her clutch on him, she will have nothing else to fall back on.

In other words, except for her beauty and charm that keeps fading every day as she grows older, she has no other merit to take pride of. Naturally she will tend to do/ pretend/ show off "too much" love in order not to lose her new found luxuries of life.

C.V.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 2 years ago Author

C.V.Rajan, You make an excellent point. She is with that man so he will take care of he financially and he is with her because she is beautiful.

It's not unheard of for such a man to drop a woman after she ages and select a younger woman. It's also not uncommon to hear of a woman who abandons a man as soon as he has lost all of his money or prestige.

Everyone initially has their "must have" list of traits for their "ideal mate". Overtime we're either growing together or growing apart.

If we're (growing together) we discover other things about the person that enriches our lives and causes us to love them even more.

Thanks for your comment!


C.V.Rajan profile image

C.V.Rajan 2 years ago from Kerala, India

There was one old, famous movie in Hindi where a King would go for hunting and he will come across a very beautiful tribal girl. He will fall in love with her and marry her. He will bring her to his palace and try to mold her to be a queen. Then he will find to his utter shock that she is too below average in anything else. He will engage royal ministers to formally educate her and teach her etiquette and royal manners but she would prove to be too dull-headed. The king will lose all interest on her sooner and will start looking for a new queen!


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 2 years ago Author

Interesting!

Like attracts like in the long-term and opposites attract divorce attorneys! :)


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 2 years ago Author

Interesting!

Like attracts like in the long-term and opposites attract divorce attorneys! :)

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working