It Is Perfectly Okay To Walk Away From "A Break" Without Any Regrets: Why Ending The Relationship Is Best
Do you really want to spend time trying to figure out what your significant other is "thinking" about the relationship? It is better to have the expectation that in the beginning both of you will talk things out and will pretty much be on the same page. I think men are wonderful and one day I would love to be married to the right person, but I am willing to hold out for a person that will make me happy and who communicates clearly and straight forward. We do not have to have 100% of the same interests, but I refuse to play guessing games or be a detective.
Looking at the successful and happy relationships of my parents, grandparents, friends, and neighbors I have noticed one trend: these couples were always honest with each other at the beginning and they did not have to figure out what the other person was thinking. My parents and grandparents never had to take breaks from each other because they had their own interests and activities, so why would then need a break for time apart? If someone wants time away they can do that while still being in the relationship, but you will have to decide if you are comfortable with that or not.
More power to you if you want to spend time consuming hours trying to dissect what your significant other means when he or she says they "want a break". Gee, this sounds like the most fun I could ever have! Personally I do not want to spend precious hours thinking about what my boyfriend is thinking when all the answers have been there from the the start. Trying to figure out what anyone else thinks is boring because there are no guessing games with the honest people that want to be with you. Some will say do not listen and that breaks are a good thing for relationships, but they are confused and not really as committed to the relationship if they need time away from you. I am very happy and very single because I believe in holding out for the relationship based on team work and complete honesty. This hub will investigate whether you should walk away from "a break" in a relationship without any regrets.
Talk and Team Work
Healthy relationships involve daily discussions of what both of people are thinking. This does not mean to ask "Where do you think the relationship is going?" because most men and women will take that as an ultimatum and will back off if you do that. Traditionally a man will tell you from the start that he wants to be with you and start a relationship. Many women feel this goes against women's liberation by waiting by for the man to say he wants a commitment, but settling for anything less is only setting yourself up for disappointment. In Sherry Argov's book Why Men Love Bitches clearly points out that women should wait for the man to ask her out and to bring up the issue of commitment. However, Argov also points out you can do other things and date other people if this person waits too long to make a commitment. This book shows that a woman actually becomes more powerful by holding back and waiting for the man to bring up the issue of commitment and pursuing a man will only turn him off in the long run.
Some men may enjoy powerful women who ask them out and who pursue them, but traditional men prefer to intiate the dates and to ask for a lady's hand in marriage. This does not mean women are not equals in traditional relationships, it just means they are using tried and true rules that have stood the test of time. In the book All the Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right by Ellen Fien actually shows women are more powerful in relationships by waiting for the man to make the next move. Men enjoy the thrill of the chase and by giving it to them you take away much headache and a large amount of time that is consumed by draining thoughts. To me this is even a good book for women who are not in a rush to get married because it teaches us how not to waste our time waiting around for a man to call. The author points out in many of her books that you want the man to remember he was the one that called you and pursued you. Thus, it will become evident in daily conversations and on dates that he wants to be with you because he will tell you constantly. My mom and grandmothers never had to play guessing games because their husband continually told them and showed them that being together was important.
One of the most memorable episodes of Sex and the City was when Carrie is visiting a performance art exhibit in which the lady is protesting world violence and starvation by not eating for several days. Alek is an another artist that also visiting the exhibit and he feels this is a beautiful piece, but Carrie simply states this lady looks like any woman in New York waiting for a man to call on Friday night. Many episodes of Sex and the City revolved around single women waiting for men to call and trying to figure out what these men thought about the relationships. In the episode "He's Just Not Into You" Jack Berger clears the air by telling the ladies that a man is just not that into them if they have to wonder what a guy is thinking. The characters Aidan, Steve, Sith, and Harry continually showed their girlfriends they wanted to be with them by telling and showing them they wanted a commitment. In my opinion the other men were just a waste of time because they never showed a true interest in the ladies, at least not until the end with Mr. Big.
Greg Behrent was one of the writers from Sex and the City and he has written a couple of books about relationships called He's Just Not That Into You and It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy (written with his wife Amira). These are both great books for women and men to read because Behrendt is a man who used to play low down and dirty tricks in the world of dating, but he reformed when he met his wife and love Amira. I am listening to his advice about breaks because he has clearly stated a man is just not that interested if he wants one. He used to do the same thing with women he was not that interested in, but once he met Amira that was no longer an issue. Also, Behrendt is guilty of pursuing a woman who wanted a break from him, but her break was so complete that she moved away and cut off contact. Amira also went through a dysfunctional first marriage where her then husband wanted to take breaks so he could sleep with strippers. Amira stated she always thought she could work things with her ex, but she finally realized he was the one that was not able to make the commitment. The advice in both of these books clearly shows that in a true committed relationship there is no need for a break because you will have enough of your own interests throughout the day and the week to constitute a healthy break.
Not Accepting "Breaks" Now Minimizes The Chances Of Divorce Later
At one time I used to wait by the phone wondering if my boyfriend would call, but then I finally realized I just did not care anymore. This may sound harsh, but if he wants to be with me he will call and he will plan things with me. If he is not calling this means he has better things to do and so do I. The majority of married couples I know always tell me that holding out for a successful relationship will minimize your chances of divorce. Call me gun shy, but I do not wish to be married just to say I did it and I do not want to become a statistic. Usually when people have been divorced two or more times this is a sign they are not holding out from relationships that will work in the long run.
For me the only reason to date someone is to see if I would like to marry them one day, and if we need a break that tells me that at best things would be chaotic if we ever got married. At worst we could end up getting divorced after a few months or years, which is something I wish to avoid. We cannot plan out everything, but dating someone for a long enough period of time will usually indicate whether the relationship will work out in the long term.
Relationships are time consumptive, but these are not supposed to become second jobs. My grandpa was a teacher, an amateur carpenter, cyclist, and history buff. Many of his free hours were spent grading papers, lesson planning, bike riding, reading, and woodworking. My grandma was busy raising five children, painting, and managing their household. Once her children were old enough she got a part-time job and upped the time she spent working on her hobbies and baking. Both of my grandparents were so busy working on their careers and hobbies that they had enough breaks in the day away from each other. Once they had time alone at night they valued spending an hour or so talking or watching a movie, which shows there is really no need for a break in a relationship if you take enough breaks through out the day. In fact my grandparents have been married for over fifty-one years and have never once felt the urge to take a physical break. Part of this was because both my grandma and grandpa dated and were engaged to other people before they married, so they were able to find out what they needed before getting married. Take a break from a relationship if you wish, but I have seen enough happy and successful relationships to know complete physical and emotional breaks is not necessary in good relationships. Usually it is better to break it off completely than to keep working on a problematic romance.
I Never Regret Walking Away From "A Break"
Why would I worry about someone who wants a break? If he were into me he would not want a break from me and we would have enough breaks in our own activities through out the week. No one needs a relationship to make their lives complete, so breaks are usually not necessary when you can be doing new things and meeting new people. My life is filled with family and friends who do want to spend time with me and who do call me, so why would I even spend a millisecond worrying about some guy who does not? There are times when I decide I do not want to date someone, but I always have the kindness and decency to be upfront with that person. I never play games with them and say I want a break when what I mean is "I want to break up". So what do you want in this lifetime? To spend your life wondering about what your significant other is thinking? Or to know in your heart or hearts that he or she would have already told and shown you in the first place. Yes this hub puts the onus on men to call and make the commitment, but I am coming from the traditional standpoint and I do not expect anything less. Those women who want to be aggressive can call men and ask them what they are thinking, but I would like to argue you do not have to do this. Actually a woman is much more powerful in a relationship if she knows her self-worth and walks away from a mediocre relationship where a guy wants a break. I will also tell you gentlemen to no longer pursue women who rebuff your overtures of commitment and marriage. Men and women who believe in holding out should not be ashamed, scared, or have any regrets when walking away from "a break". We deserve so much more than that.
More by this Author
Why does my friend make me feel inferior.
There is a segment of the population who has completely given up on dating and is happier for it. Sometimes this only a temporary measure for a few weeks, or sometimes this is an indefinite amount of time that could...
How to get over a breakup.