Last Things That Desperate Guys do to Impress Girls They Want to Date

You really have to hand it to desperate guys.

You can search high, low, and all across the world, but you will never find a more-determined person than a desperate guy who is looking for a girlriend. I have met a few in my time, and I am testing myself here and I find that I am telling you the truth. These guys are some of the mentally-toughest, thick-skinned, and goal-oriented guys in the world.

Guys like these should belong to the Army Rangers, but they don't. Actually I don't know whom or what makes them so desperate to find female companionship. They do not travel to Tibet to be trained by a monk who is master of his own self, desires, and life. And it is certainly not continually-losing or experiencing defeat that toughens them. Outside of some mysterious cosmic power, I give up the task of trying to fgure out what makes desperate guys so desperate.

I might add that judging by the desperate guys I have seen in my day, the majority of these guys were not unattractive, dirty, filthy-talking, disrespectful to girls, or out of shape. Quite the contrary. These guys were good looking, well-dressed and all that any girl would want. But when it came time to ask the girl of their choice out, they were turned-down flatter than a two-buck tire sold out the back of the store.

And when "the axe fell on their necks that were on the block," did they cry? No. Did they curse? No. Did they stomp off mumbling nasty things about the girl? No. This was a mystery that only the great Charlie Chan would unravel, for I was confused at what I witnessed.

This is an example of conversation that I happen to hear between one of these desperate guys and a decent-looking brunette:

DESPERATE GUY: "My, my, 'Deborah,' you are sure looking good tonight."

DEBORAH: "Gee, thank you, 'Dexter!"

DESPERATE GUY: "I was wondering if you were not busy, say next weekend . . .

DEBORAH: "No, 'Dexter.' I have plans. And besides, now do not get hurt, but you are not my type."

DESPERATE GUY: "Uhh, gee. Well, okay. I am not one to pressure anyone. Be good."

And 'Dexter' walked away with his head held high. Not like me when I was rejected so many times, would not walk, but crawl away with what little self-dignity I had left--praying that not many of my classmates had witnesses the disaster I had survived.

As comedian, Jerry Seinfeld was prone to say, "It's a mystery, I tell you. It's a mystery."

And what really made me respect and admire these guys was as much as their mental and emotional strength to survive the coldest rejection by a pretty girl, it was their "last line of offense." I say this because it is the truth.

These desperate guys were far from fools. They did have one last "trick up their sleeve," and they were not ashamed to use them. This, my friends, was more-amazing that any space exhibition ever presented by the Von Braun Space Center, Huntsville, Al.

The things these desperate guys would do without shame, to hopefully have one final chance to impress the cold-hearted girl into going out with them was at the foot of amazing. It was like these guys had studied with Gandhi in the art of self-control and presenting their final displays of affection that no girl could resist.

Just some of these amazing things were

• Letting the pretty girl watch them change a tire and explaining it this way: "I know you are not going out with me, but in case you are ever alone, being able to change a tire will prove valuable to you." And the girl would watch with eyes welded to every move the humble-hearted, desperate guy made.
• Showing the girl the easiest way to peel a red potato. Sometimes, to be cute, the girl would say, "My mom has already shown me this," to which the desperate guy would say, "But was her way, with all respect, the EASIEST way?"
• Teaching the girl how to correctly feed beef cattle. Every time the girl would smile, giggle and try to make pets out of the cattle. The pretty girl was falling right into the desperate guy's hands.
• The desperate guy would sit the girl down and show her how to correctly listen to someone talk. The girl would soon realize that this desperate guy was of a special breed.
• The desperate guy, if he were musically-gifted, would take great patience in teaching the girl three of the easiest chords to make on guitar. By now, she was regretting how she turned him down for a date.
• If the pretty girl were a country girl a heart, the desperate guy could teach her how to bait a fishhook the faster, easy way.
• And he could also teach her how to pitch a tent, survive by her wits in the woods, both valuable things that all girls should know.
• The pretty girl could learn from the desperate guy to be assertive and not be intimidated by other girls who think that God made them as a "gift" to the guys around them.

And lastly . . .

• The pretty girl could let the desperate guy teach her how to handle her own case in a court of law without the high rates of a lawyer.

And this couple, I still cannot believe it, will celebrate their 35th anniversary tomorrow.