Legal Ways to Look Foolish and Not Be Arrested

I love it. And you do to. You might as well "man-up," and admit it. From the time we left our mother's womb, until now, we all need and sometimes-crave attention. Don't ask me. I am not Dr. Phil. And on second thought, don't ask him either for he isn't a "real" doctor. Why do we all need attention? I am give you one completely uneducated guess: Attention from others gives us that feeling of belonging to a group, family and just makes us feel all warm and gooey inside.

When we were all children in our learning stages, the things we did then, seemingly were perfectly-acceptable. Grown-up's would heave with laughter. Some would slap their knees while other grown-up's would nudge each other in the ribs and say, "ain't my little boy, Thad, a card?" meaning that Thad was a sure-fire, bona fide "cut-up," and this made Thad's mom and dad proud.

and that's when our lives really get interesting. We have more rules, some useless, some needed, that we are programmed to adhere to if we are to be "responsible" adults. Responsible for what? Bills? Kids? Wives? Oh, yeah. I got it. Mortgages to our homes. Car loans and expensive vacation trips to Key West, Florida knowing ahead of time that we couldn't afford it, but going on our "uncle Don's" shifty advice, "tell the people in Key West my name. They will treat you right," we went. To Key West in a Pontiac station wagon loaded to the gills with kids, suitcases, two dogs named "Cody," and "Mildred," who fought all the way and an open cooler someone forgot to close allowing all those tuna fish sandwiches to "turn" in the hot, Florida sun. And this family adventure only set us back $5800.00. That was money back in the day when General Motors still made a Pontiac station wagon.

Stupid rules that someone with a degree in sociology wrote in a behavioral paper to the New England School of Medicine and from that time on, we have been "bottled up" by these rules that take away our abilities to not only have, but give attention to those around us like we were intended by our Creator to do from the beginning.

Well, my civilized friends, I have had enough. I am publishing my own set of "Legal Things You Can Do For Attention and Not Be Arrested," and maybe by reading this hub, you readers whose lives are so miserable from not having the necessary attention from others, that you can now be free to express your true, inner-feelings without fear of being arrested by "Johnny Law."

IT IS NOT ILLEGAL TO GET ATTENTION BY

• Walking on a public sidewalk while whistling a tune from "Porgy and Bess."

• Waving "hi," to a sleeping dog.

• Saluting a stop sign in the middle of any big city.

• Tap-dancing for five minutes on Printer's Alley (a real place) in Nashville, Tennessee.

• Talking like Ed Sullivan in most Hooter's restaurants as you give "Muffy," your waitress, your order.

• Giving a $100-dollar tip to any waitress who is off-duty at Hooter's.

• Talking Chinese to a teddy bear on Fifth Avenue in New York (you will only fit in).

• Telling corny jokes to elderly people who are on an outing in a city park.

• Doing hippo and rhino impressions (on all-fours) while waiting in line at the DMV.

• Mashing your face against the window from the inside of a laundry mat.

IT IS NOT ILLEGAL TO GET ATTENTION BY

• Doing mime routines on the side of a public highway, but do not cause a traffic accident.

• Yelling into the thin air in a public city park.

• Reading a book upside down in an airport terminal.

• Getting expensive plastic surgery to look like John Travolta.

• Taking voice lessons to sound like John Travolta.

• Pretend you are "walking a dog" but having to lead him with the rope that you are dragging behind you.

• Quote sad French poetry in a public place near a busy office area in Chicago.

• Ask people if you can give them a quarter to promote world peace.

• Wear various colored shirts, pants, but no shoes at any drugstore.

• Strike-up a conversation with a stranger and then sing a song to them.

MY "TOP SEVEN" WAYS TO GET ATTENTION FROM OTHERS WITHOUT FEAR OF GOING TO PRISON

• Nod your head up and down as you wait in line at a fast-food restaurant.

• Talk extra-softly to a clerk who is renewing your driver's license.

• Post your name on public bulletin boards that "you" will do errands for FREE.

• Shake hands with all ministers and preachers you meet and then walk on down the sidewalk.

• Visit the Army Recruiting Office in your town and ask, "business good today?"

• Make yourself look stupid by crawling like a spider when you have to climb stairs ahead of people.

• Always sing popular songs to yourself, but loud enough for others to hear you.

Thank YOU, my Good Friends and Followers for Reading this hub.

Very Sincerely . . .Kenneth