Looking Beyond the Image in the Mirror

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Seeing the Inner Beauty

It has taken me many years of tears, anger, frustration and self-pity to finally get off the "poor me trip". I have been through a lot of hurt and disappointment in my life but accepting and loving myself for the large woman I had become was a freeing experience. When I looked at the reflection of myself in a mirror I was not acknowledging my gain. It started in my early twenties due to anti-seizure meds that greatly slowed my metabolism down.

Side Effect of Meds

My doctor had told me that one of the side effects of the meds would be weight gain. He had explained that my normal metabolism was high but due to the meds it was going to slow right down. Well at this point I was skinny and had never had a problem with my weight in my life; so I really didn't take the doctors warning too seriously. He had warned me that I would really have to be more careful of what and when I ate etc. He explained that with my natural high metabolism I could eat a pizza laying on a couch and I would burn calories. But this would be no more as once my metabolism slowed down I would notice the changes in my weight and energy levels. Before I knew it I was gaining weight just as the doctor had predicted. In fact I just had to look at a pizza to put on the pounds or at least so it seemed during this great transition of mine.

In My Dreams I see Skinny Me

In my mind I think I was in denial to a certain degree of the plus size me; even in my dreams I would always see the once skinnier me never the plus size me. At times it felt like one day I fell asleep as skinny Pam to reawaken as plus size Pam; of course it was not that dramatic but I did gain weight fairly quickly. I found myself trying to make excuses why I had yet again gained another 20lbs; before I knew it I had managed to ballon out to 270lbs; my normal weight for my height and size should be 170lbs. Many girls that are not over weight always see themselves as fat when in reality they are at a healthy weight; this type of denial can also lead to serious problems such causing women to loose weight when they shouldn't. We as women have to accept ourselves for who we are and love ourselves enough to make sure we try and reach or stay at a healthy weight. We must find that magical weight for our size and build- a good place to get some advice on this would be at our next visit to our GP. They will be able to give us a weight that will be healthy for us to stay at. The journey to get to that perfect weight will not be an easy one for most of us but then again usually anything worth while doesn't always come easily.

Deer Caught in the Headlights!

I went from a person who had never had weight issues to someone who was 80lbs over weight; I felt like I was trapped in the wrong body! I was skinny Pam living in plus-size Pam's body; hoping that I would one day wake-up and be back in my skinny body! I was like a deer caught in the headlights I didn't see it coming or more truthfully didn't want to see it coming.

Air-brushed Perfection

Of course the pressures of Society don't help in making plus size women feel that they are just as beautiful as the skinny women of the world. Society's ideas or visions of what beautiful women should look like have clouded our minds using all sorts of media to promote the air-brushed photos of skinny women. The women we see in the glamour magazines are only one type of woman many of which are air-brushed to perfection.

Loving Me for Me

I have come to realize that beautiful women come in all shapes and sizes and that beauty does not stop at the outer package; but that there is much beauty within the package that needs to be unveiled for all to enjoy. The day I finally looked at myself in the mirror as plus size Pam was a moment when I cried silent tears not of sadness but of a sense of contentment and inner peace. Once I had accepted me for who I was today not who I used to be I found peace within myself. I am now living in the present with plus size me and loving it; but that's not to say there is not room for self-improvement! Society in general has to take the time to open the package to see the real beauty within each and every individual no matter what their size!

Inner Beauty

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Comments 11 comments

Pamela-anne profile image

Pamela-anne 4 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario Author

This is so true DDE we all have our own personal idea on what is beautiful and what is not thanks so much for your support of my hub take care!


DDE profile image

DDE 4 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder


Pamela Kinnaird W profile image

Pamela Kinnaird W 4 years ago from Maui and Arizona

Society in general will never ever be less glossy, less fake, less all-about-the-flesh, but we as individuals in our own community and sphere of influence can love ourselves for our inner selves and love others for the real them, too.

Poignant hub. Voting up, awesome and sharing.


Pamela-anne profile image

Pamela-anne 4 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario Author

Thanks so much mprevita for your kind words it seems that our worst critics in life are ourselves maybe we should try and be less critical of ourselves and more accepting. take care.


Pamela-anne profile image

Pamela-anne 4 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario Author

I know what you mean maybe we have to try and stop trying to look like the air-brushed gods and godesses and just accept ourselves for who we are good people without the air-brushing! Thanks for your support and take care!


mprevita profile image

mprevita 4 years ago from Toronto

I have been dealing with weight problems for most of my life. Sometimes it can be hard to find support in the people you expect it from most, but then some true angels appear and can be there to understand your words and feelings. I truly feel for you as I read this and completely understand for I still hate to see myself in the mirror. It can really affect the relationships around me, however, and even took a toll on my romantic relationship. I had to start deprogramming everything society taught me about larger people and truly see that we are all just that: beautiful, unique individuals in an array of sizes and colours. It's funny when we appreciate everything in nature that is large; a graceful horse, a brilliant giant peony, a heavy glittering snowflake, but we do not see the same brilliance in ourselves.


Carneades-Georgia 4 years ago

And I'm no short Schrwarzenneger, no matter how I've exercised for forty-eight years! Fay at the VA told me to exercise for endurance. I endure!


Pamela-anne profile image

Pamela-anne 4 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario Author

Thanks Eric for your lovely response we all need to be reminded of the lovely person who lives within each and everyone of us! Take care.


Ericdierker profile image

Ericdierker 4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

I myself am getting old. If I focus on the young body building 24 year olds that are seemingly everywhere in media, I get bummed about the changes in my body. This article is a nice reminder that beauty is in loving who we are, and not what we are not. Thank you.


Pamela-anne profile image

Pamela-anne 4 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario Author

Thanks so much Larry for your kind supportive words. God bless you.


Larry Wall 4 years ago

Weight gain is a health issue. Beauty comes from within. You sound like a beautiful woman. I wish the best for you.

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