Love something waited for and not seeked out

It is funny if you had asked me a few years ago what love had meant to me, I probably would of passed it off as something I would not even want to be bothered with. Even now only being 22 I find it more of a cliche which is great, a lot of the foundation in a relationship is based off of those cute moments that make you feel like your partner is really putting in the effort to try and create more of a chemistry between the two of you. There also comes a point that you stop caring, not to be pessimistic but maybe flaws that have been buried away for so long to try and please someone has finally found its way to be surfaced. It is like when someone opens the door in a dark room, and for awhile you leave yourself vulnerable and take in the light. Only to allow the shadows that are around you of darkness to consume you in more ways then you can imagine. Truth and being an advocate to honesty is admirable, but the deception that comes with reasoning sometime is not worth going through the motions. It is funny at least for me you put yourself in a scenario that allows you to watch and listen to someone else. As lies are put out for their viciousness, and slowly begin to see them try and reconcile or even justify something you have already caught them on. Something I live my life by and it is great if you try to defend yourself, but the truth never needs defending not even justified. Your only making it more susceptible for someone else to see clarity an a underlining double standard of bullshit you have trapped yourself in. You hear the saying which you would probably get more from gemini's which is not a bad thing, but you hear people say they are turning over a new leaf. Great for you. All you did was flip from one side to the next, so the old persona was not good enough in the eyes of the beholder, so you change. Even though you change yourself for the wrong reasons, only later to have the side you once placed on the back burner to slowly begin to resurface. You try and fade away what is already been seen to the public eye only to encounter the same monotonous traits that you once laid dormant. The end resolution is your the fool, the coward that tried to stray away from what obviously made you who you are regardless if it is a good thing or a bad thing. Change is good, but not when it becomes efficient, especially if you lament about it. Not only do you know what is wrong, but you do not care. So is love or that feeling of acceptance really worth it, if it is something that you have to seek out. I am the type of person that whether you come or go out of my life, I wish all the joy,love, and happiness this world has to offer with a smile. Whether it is my perception and my way of thinking has influenced your life in a positive or negative way, I still was able to fixate a puzzle piece from my life to yours. I had someone tell me and this is a little off subject but something that I had encountered, if a guy is unable to tell you about his HIV status.

1. It is obvious what your status is with HIV

2. You truly know nothing about that person especially if it is something that they have to hide.

It is ironic for me, I know a lot of guys especially ones who have HIV it can be hard to date or go out in the world with a positive approach. Funny thing about it is, their are people out there who look past that. Not that I would want to jump in guns blazing and give my self to them 100 % , but you look past a status in hopes you can accommodate them in their life and build something more off the foundation of them simple being who they are not what they have. Obviously it is not a preference for me nor really is it something that I am looking for as far as relationships go, but it is happiness that you can offer other people just by simple taken in who they are to the core of their soul and showing them you care more for them once again rather then what they have. I never give up and almost getting HIV kinda made me take a step back. Especially when someone holds your life in their hands and chooses to place your life in a steadfast only because they are unhappy with their ending results. He was a douche bag and had nothing but anger and despair to offer the people around him, and it is funny you can see right through them, but you hope and have faith. That the life you live of open gratification for everything that you have and the people around you is not jeopardized in the mistake you made of concluding yourself in someones misery. So I leave myself with one thought, I may have dated douche bags and may at times have been a douche bag myself, but I never walked away from anyone. If I did walk away it was only because the person needed more help then what I had to offer them, to make their journey and goals in life seem more plausible to them to make their happiness grow stronger. In the end no matter what you do or what you say, as long as you learn to love yourself , and rise above being just a grain in the sand becomes a true treasure once you have become an oasis. I love myself and at times I stray into my dark room where barriers are created and a content feeling is possessed, but for a moment the door opens and finally the light is embraced and you pull yourself out into the world. Where simple things and gestures begin to become appreciated and the love you have seems to open other doors for people who have buried themselves in their shadow.