Make Up Your Mind...St*pid

First of all, this hub is not for anybody in particular. This is meant for me, and it's my first "ranting" hub (again, on myself, not on anybody else). I'm ranting because I can't seem to make up my mind on a lot of things, including my life.

I'm 34, a professional, with a good career and (hopefully) a great future in the online world. And yet, something seems to be amiss and this has been made painfully clear to me during these last few weeks.

A bit of a background. When my father died two years ago, he left behind a thriving accounting firm in a small town. Yes, my father is also an accountant and he's my influence for my decision to become one. Since I was the only one most qualified to take over his firm, I resigned from a good job with a big local auditing firm, packed up my (and my husband's bags), left everything behind and came back to my birthplace. You can just imagine the reaction I got from my former boss and officemates. By all accounts, I was on my way to the top and, barring any major disaster, I would have been on top two to three years from now. Not bad, huh? But due to sentimental reasons (my father's firm has been around for 30 years already) and because I wanted a change of scene and phase, I chose to come back.

So there I was, back to the place where I was born and where I grew up. I was welcomed with open arms by my father's clients, employees, peers, friends, and acquaintances. Almost 100% of my father's clients stayed (partly because of their respect for my father and partly because they respect my work experience and background). I came back to a well-placed system within the firm and all I had to do (or thought I had to do) was to familiarize myself and just go with the flow (and earn the money my father used to earn). To top it all, I got in touch with my high school close friends and we renewed our friendship. Great, right?

Wrong. I basically got more than I bargained for. Naively, my husband and I thought that we were just here to handle the firm, the clients and the employees, nothing else. But it seemed to be other than that for the past two years. I'm not going to bore anybody with the details but suffice it to say that coming back was not that easy and, after two years, is still not that easy. A lot of the problems we are facing right now are not work-related (more like people-related) and are not likely to be encountered by us if we decided to stay where we were two years ago. And it's getting to the point that everything is just grating on my (our) nerves. Still with me?

Another thing is that we can't seem to set up any permanent roots here. Oh I know I thought this is the place for us, that we can live here for the rest of our lives but I thought wrong. So the next question is: where do we go?

Now here's where I can't seem to make up my mind. I mean, do we stay and go through the same things year in and year out? Do we close the firm, go back to the metropolis, go back to my old job and go through all those late nights, overnights, overtime and brain-wracking assignments again (OMG, not again!)? Do we transfer to another place and set up a branch there and keep the firm here? Do we go abroad, get a whole new life and new jobs and forget about the firm (and our country for that matter)? Or do I embark on an online career, and just maintain a few easy-to-handle clients (I have a lot of clients who give me headaches, believe me)? Or do we set up something here that can make us earn passive income for the rest of our lives?

Okay how many choices did I enumerate at the top? Those are six choices (and I did not even include some other combinations). Six choices! I can't even make up my mind on two choices, much more on six choices! No wonder I'm getting confused. And my husband is getting confused with me. What is wrong with me?!?!?!?!

Did I make sense? I hope I did. Half of the time, I don't make sense to myself at all. The other half, well I just don't know. Sometimes I just wish I live a simpler life, with simple choices and simple results. Other times, I wish I can have more money so that it'll be easier for me to make my choice. Obviously, some of these choices would mean a lower level of income (and who's not afraid of a lower income?).

But I need to decide and decide fast. We can't stay in limbo forever. And we can't stay here indefinitely when we are not totally satisfied with our lives here. This will be kind of unfair not only to us but also to the people around us (fortunately, they are still blissfully unaware of all these). So I have to decide (my husband will decide with me, of course, but I think he's giving more weight to my decision) and decide fast. And I also have to stop telling myself - "make up your mind, st*pid!". Thanks for reading this hub!

UPDATE:

Thank you very much to those who have read or those who have left comments on this hub. I just want to put in writing that after publishing this hub, my husband and I talked and we, more or less, laid down our plans for the future. Concrete plans that we can slowly develop and implement. Writing this hub was a great therapy for me and made me calm down and face the future in a more confident manner. So for those of you reading this, thank you very much! =)