Manipulation Part 1

Manipulation Part 1

Manipulation is about control, psychological warfare if you will. It's all about the manipulator getting what he/she wants and he will stop at nothing to get it. He will do or say whatever it takes to keep that control.

Most articles online focus on relationship manipulation. Those among lovers. However manipulative techniques can be used on anyone. I'm fairly new to this whole concept of manipulation and was made aware of it when someone(a buddy) moved in with my father. This buddy had been supposedly a friend to my Dad for quite some time. Personally I never cared for him, I found him aggressive and belligerent.

So I focus this article on not only manipulation among love relationships but any type of relationship because manipulation occurs between friends, neighbors, coworkers, family, almost anyone you have contact with and there really is nothing you can do.

Unfortunately, it is very difficult to get someone out of an elderly parents house once he/she has moved in. The law does not favor the elderly person.

What I mean by this is once the elderly person has allowed something to happen he/she is then embarrased to admit their mistake. Often times they may be afraid of the person they've allowed to take over their lives. They don't know what to do and when it comes to really putting the grind down on the manipulator to get him out it requires the time consuming task of going to the police then court all the while the manipulator is thinking of the lies he's gping to tell to get the police, court and everyone else on his side.

This is in many ways the worst kind of manipulation to deal with because you, as the family member, have no control over the elderly person's decisions even when you can see they are bad decisions. I'm not referring to someone who is senile, incompetent or is unable to care for himself/herself and belongs in a nursing home. Granted when this kind of problem is encountered it is much easier to declare the elderly unfit to care for themselves and ship them off to a nursing home if they can. And there is no shortage of governmental agencies that are more than willing to make sure the elderly parent gets put in a nursing home. All it requires is the child's say so in the matter and the wheels start turning and once they do there is very little that can be done to turn them back and the elderly have absolutely no say in the matter.

The elderly make excellent targets for a manipulator. It's seemingly easier to convince them of things that are not true or make them think an unfavorable outcome will happen if they disagree with the manipulator. In my father's case the manipulator(Dad's buddy, if you can call him that) convinced my dad that the VA and the doctors would send him to a nursing home if he wasn't there with him. He was moved in before I knew it was happening. The manipulator(his name is Herman) made sure to get his things moved in before the weekend rolled around and I'd be there. He convinced my dad he had no place to go and needed his help and threw the part about a nursing home in for good measure. As my dad had run into this problem after his heart attack with the homecare nurses trying to get him put into a nursing home(at the time I was with my dad) it wasn't particularly difficult to make him think they were talking about the nursing home again. I've even had this manipulator try to convince me of some of this stuff and even tried to say he'd spoken with my dad's nurses. I promptly called my dad's nurse and was quickly informed this was not the case. I certainly hope she valued her job and license enough not to discuss medical issues with anyone other than the patient or family.

Manipulators are insideous creatures. They will try to convince you of something that is not actually true. They twist everything to their own advantage, they try to control every situation and conversation and if they feel it goes in a direction they don't like they will attempt to change the subject. They will even try to overrule you to talk about something else. They will make subtle putdowns, make jokes that are hurtful.

In short a manipulator will do or say almost anything to get his way and control. A manipulator who wants to control his wife and make sure she never leaves him will convince her she is worthless and ugly and no other man will have her so she better stick with what she has. This is one of the most torturous of all evils to inflict on another human being yet countless people do it to the person they claim to cherish. This is not love.

Parents do it to their children to keep them compliant and dependent on them. In essence this is the most used tool in the manipulators arsenal. Keep said person compliant, weak, unable to defend themselves, in self doubt and totally reliant on the manipulator.

If you try to out the manipulator you end up looking like the bad guy. He always makes sure everyone else is on his side and they are masters at fooling people. They are constantly the victim, someone is always out to get them and it is truly amazing how many people fall for this. So if you disagree you are simply victimizing the manipulator and making it easier for him to convince everyone you are another one of the bad guys. Manipulators are experts at turning everything around. They are expert liars, cheaters, thieves, extortionists, etc. They have spent years honing their skill and by the time you encounter someone like this you really have no defense against them.

The only defense is to stay away from them. have little to nothing to do with them. My advice: cut all ties and never look back. If you happen to be in a love relationship like this you will never get any better advice. Manipulators don't change, they only change their spots.

But what if the manipulator is a family member that can't be avoided? What if it's someone your parents have allowed to move in with them and you can see what a loser this person is but your parents refuse to run the scumbag off? What if you are a parent watching your child getting involved with someone you can clearly see is a manipulator but your child refuses to see the person for whom he/she really is? Well this is much more difficult because it's not firsthand it's secondhand if you will and you have absolutely no control over what your parents, children, etc. do.

If it's a family member avoid contact as much as possible. If not never engage the manipulator, be polite, that's it. Don't argue even when the manipulator is clearly wrong. If he asks for something the answer should always be no because when he asks for something it's always to further his own ambitions and if you say yes even once he will try to make it impossible for you to say no the next time. Be ready, he will try to make you feel guilty for not helping. He will use subtle putdowns, he will try to say the thing he wants is for someone else thereby casting the light from himself trying to make you feel even guiltier for not complying.

There is much to know and learn when it comes to the manipulator so I've decided to divide it up into more than one part.

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Comments 8 comments

oldersister profile image

oldersister 4 years ago

Sassy girl you have hit the nail on the nose. I myself have dealt with a manipulating sister who not only took advantage of my mom tried to take advantage of me. When things did not go her way she wanted nothing to do with me. Now she is working on my Aunt trying to get her to feel sorry for her. She has done her fair of stealing lying and manipulating. If I didn't know better you could have written the article about her


gramma 4 years ago

This is about my youngest daughter's boyfriend, who lives with her. I broke my leg about 6months ago. My daughter asked me to move in with her, what a mistake. Her boy friend has been unemployed for over2 years, He tries to create circumstances, to look like, I can't live without his help. In fact, even though I am 80 years old, I can get around just fine. I just want to stay out of his way, but then he cries about all he has done for me. And he really cries tears. Sometimes it is just amazing to me. What hurts me the most is my daughter taken in by all of this.


Lisa HW profile image

Lisa HW 4 years ago from Massachusetts

This is an important topic (and well written Hub). It's a subject that hit my life in a number of ways, and it's something everybody ought to read more about.


Lisa 4 years ago

Ive got what you would call a very manipulative,and poisiones sister,who uses everybody, write now i am still liveing at home and she is trying despretly to turn my own mother against me,i can saftley say i hate her, i studied and worked for years an i had to leave my job to undertake a position for my course and i am now unemployed ive went through hell this last year and she has jumped on the bandwagon happy to see me in the gutter, she couldnt use me enough when i had funds, but now i have nothing im scum, i watch and hear her playing games and it makes me sick, she is trying to push me out,but my so called mother is no better she is a master manipulator who is basically using all her children for her own ends and i would say has done it for years, she treats me like i am not good enough and is up my sisters bum because she has more money than me,when she is not around its all laughs and jokes, but as soon as she is back, i get nothing but fakness i can see it written all over her, it makes me sick that this is what you get these days even from family, i ust to want to fix it but i am starting to think run and never look back,they treat me like im alone anyway, and try to say things like ow just go to your room, also the only reason there keeping me here is because it suits them for now cause my mum gets helped with rent and she is so despretly hopeing that i get kept down and not move anywhere. she is happy to see me with nothing as long as it does not affect her situation, and she says things like go leave if you want knowing i have no family or no where to go because my dad and her was both screw ups and now she blames me when it was her who brought me in to this world, she says im the weak one when really it is her she has no ambition to go anywhere so she want me down as well ive never seen anyone happyier that i had to go on benfits, i whish i had the strength to stand alone because i am starting to resent them i look at them and can see write through them.its like i am in a nightmare and can not get out and this is my life i payed enough as a child for her choices and now she wants me to pay as a adult too, in the words of queen "i want to break free. its like i have to stratagize and think about everything i say and do i dont want to become like them,devious,eveil,and weak,whats even more funny is how she rants and skits the sister when she is away....


4 years ago

psychopaths are everywhere


swordoftruth 4 years ago

I'm dealing with a manipulator that has befriended my senior mother. I am afraid that she will change her will and leave all of her belongings to him.

the sad part is I don't think there is anything I can do.


sassygrrl32 profile image

sassygrrl32 4 years ago from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina Author

I'm sorry for ur situation. I just posted a much longer comment but it wouldn't post. There isn't anything u can do really.

These people are lowlife's/scum of society. There are no nice words to describe these people.


Diane in NJ 4 years ago

Please let me know how to get in touch with you. I also need the rest of your articles on manipulation. I would like to have them this weekend. I have written my State Senator and Chief of Office of Aging about six months ago. They are going to get a second letter this weekend from me. I have spent $5,000 on lawyer fees. My mother's manipulator is a neighbor that is taking care of her. She has made up stories to my 86 yr. old bedridden, amputee mom about me, slandering my reputation. She disconnected the phone so I cannot call my mother, took me to court about stealing money in which I was innocent. I am the only living survivor and this woman and her husband want me out of the picture. Now this woman is trying for a restraining order so I can never see my mother again. I have never met such evil. Please let me have the rest of your manipulation story as I want to send it to my state senator and office of aging. I can use all your help. Thank you.

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