Modern Matchmaking 101

This article is completely tongue in cheek. Please do not implement these ideas and theories, unless of course you wish to take full responsibility for the results should they be unfavorable. If everything works out great for you, let me know and I'll be happy to offer further tips!

We all know at least one of them. The girl who stands against a wall with her smile getting a glazing over if a male enters the room. The young man who becomes as rigid and uninteresting as Cicero's De Re Publica if something feminine comes within a ten foot radius. Or maybe it's just someone who needs a little help finding their one true love. We all know they need help, and if you care enough about them, I will here offer a few tips on how to get your friends on the road to wedded bliss.

This is not something for the faint of heart, since the days of the Yente are long past. It will require determination (somehow they always think they're just fine and will fight your best ideas), great judgement of character (I mean, do you really want to be responsible for inflicting all that misery if it doesn't work out?), and most of all an enormous amount of tact. This is the biggest key, though I should mention that, at least in this instance, a large component of tact is being sneaky. Because let's face it, nobody, not even you, likes somebody helping them, even if it's done with the best intentions. But by all means, don't let that stop you! Persevere, and there will be a generation of children who are named after you because of their parent's gratefulness. Even if said parents still won't speak to you.

This is obviously a very necessary component of any heaven-made match-- they have to know who the other person is, right? This can be done in a number of subtle (or not so subtle) ways that are adjustable to your particular needs.

• Invite a group out to lunch, dinner, or dessert at some nice little establishment. Keep it small. Two would be ideal, but since you at least have to be there to instigate, it must be at least three the first time. But having a few more people around could make it less awkward for the intended love birds. Just make sure they sit next to each other, and be close by to facilitate conversation. Oh, and make sure it's not too nice if you plan to foot the entire bill. Remember, you still have a wedding gift to buy!
• Event planning can be effective. Conventions, parties, etc. are often a relaxed atmosphere for people to casually meet and chat on a basic level. Just make sure to come through on the follow up. Make sure that someway, somehow, both parties end up with the other's contact information and a good reason for another point of contact. Recommend them to each other as friends on Facebook-- it's developing depth in the relationship that counts!
• Start a club of some kind, based on a mutual interest. If they love books, find one that will interest them both and have meetings at your house to discuss it. If they both golf, have a tournament of some kind. If politics is their current true love, send out an email blast (keep it select) arranging a day to go campaign volunteering together. But first, please make sure they're registered with the same party.

• There's more to it than getting two people in the same room. Unless it's love at first sight, and they both start waxing eloquent in a Romeo and Juliet fashion, you'll have to keep at it. More planning, time, and effort will have to go into it than that, because a majority of mankind is far more stubborn than to cave after one try.
• Also, the further you get into the process, the more you have to bump up the levels of intensity. If neither party about whom you are concerned is "getting it", you might have to state the obvious to one or both of them. Just make sure they don't know that the other one knows. That's a recipe for disaster.
• At some point you have to realize that you are no longer needed. In this relationship, you have become extraneous, superfluous, and quite possibly not wanted. This will wear off, and at this stage it is probably wisest for you to gloatingly retreat to your corner, rub your hands in glee, and put another notch in your gun handle.

Now, it may take some time. But if you play your cards right, you may have a wedding to attend in the near future if Frank Sinatra was right about love and marriage. Don't expect to get any credit-- the fate of the matchmaker is to receive no public accolades, but rather be inwardly satisfied only. The mere knowledge that you have brought about the love story of the century will make you go to your grave content, with only an occasional snicker in your sleeve.

But you are still allowed to enjoy the cake at the reception. Trust me, you've earned it.