...Mommy, I wanna be a killer when I grow up...
...It's all about the story, baby...
My story, the Forest Labyrinth, has brought me into a chapter of intense realization. It has brought me way back into memories that were never expressed, never discussed, and ultimately repressed. The danger of sharing the exact details could ruin the lives of many people, so with undue respect I will work with the Queen as She sees fit. She assures me that the right justice will be applied to the aggressor that stole untold amounts of confidence and security from my young mind. No one could have protected me against such vile intrusions as I see in hindsight, and they step forward here and say LOOK BACK NOW...or you cannot look forward.
The story winds around and into dark recesses of the human mind where the most ugly and blackened teeth bare themselves into my back, leaving a horrible infection and later, as I see, the scars of immobility and pain. I walk on anyway, bleeding and picking and trusting that I will be healed and knowing that there is much more than the instances that crushed my spirit. That they have an enormous task and place in my current life. Things that were then, affect how things are now, and I see further than ever.
Yesterday I observed a young man getting out of his grandparents car. He had the most angry look on his face. His aura was completely filled with thorns and angst. The grandfather stood outside the car while the grandmother and whom I supposed was the granddaughter all stared at him and motionlessly watched his every move as if he would do something irrevocable at any moment. The only thought that crossed my mind, and I cannot explain why with any logic, was "hearing" "Mommy, I wanna be a killer when I grow up." I don't know if it was the look in his eyes, the fear emanating from those he was with or my own thoughts of my own story that has taken this dark turn lately that this arose from a shrouded collection of thoughts and memories of how the darkness of just one pivotal event can destroy a child's well being forever...
But there it was. And here it is. Laying across the threshold of my life, not allowing me to pass until I can at least understand it. This dead corpse of the past laying there with maggots pouring out of his skull. I know I need to bury him somewhere out in the Labyrinth and only then I can attempt to accept it and allow it to be really something of the past.
The whole issue, the whole dark recollection feeds my curiosity as I can see what could lead people to grow into adults who believe they have the right to take a human life, and I think of how enough abuse and neglect can foster a monster into existence. Now, don't get me wrong, I open the screens to let flies live...those who were once maggots...but the Queen is asking me some questions that I cannot possibly answer...as of yet...The number one question of the day is "Don't you want to know what it's like to understand the mind of a killer?"
